Monday, December 31, 2012

Good news, and bad news...

So, I have some good news, and some bad news...

The Good news...My hormone levels are great, and we can try again this month!

The bad news? My once "mild" insulin resistance, has now turned into full blown PCOS. While I did not have any cysts,my ovary's are poly cystic in appearance, and  had TONS of follices. which can be good so long as I take something to stim a bit and cause the many follices to mature into a few good ones... AND, because my levels were good, I get to start my femara tonight! woo hooo!

I am slightly bummed though...It sucks to have issues after issues arise in regard to TTC...It is like my body is falling apart...So disheartening ...But, I have to be thankful for a chance tp try, and some good baseline levels to start off with! so...here we go!

Levels are as follows-

HCG- <0.5
TSH- 0.19
FSH- 5.1
LH- 2.39
P4- 0.4
E2- 25
 Endo thickness 4.5

Wish us luck!
=)

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Monday 10am

 I have an appt set for Monday at 10 am for clinic with the RE office, to get a set of CD 3 ( I will be CD 4) labs and a ultrasound to check over everything...Hopefully, by then, the HCG is totally baseline, and my E2 this cycle is not stupid and is also baseline...Please, please, please!! NO more set backs!!


Friday, December 28, 2012

Hiccup

Happy hour!! whooo hooo!

Yes...I realize what time it is...But, it IS 5 o clock somewhere....Right!?

Screw this cycle! Screw TTC and all the emotional baggage that goes with it...Screw the weight gain from fertility meds...Screw the temping, OPK's, CM, CP and all that jazz....Just screw it...
I am going to spend the remainder of today, sipping on this bottle of red, and watching some Grey's, while I try to pretend my heart has not been crushed, yet anther time...I am well aware my denial will end soon, and reality will hit, and I will have to face the pain, face TTC....Face it all over again....But today, I am going to say screw it, and enjoy happy hour/day.



Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Bummed out

I am feeling pretty let down today...

I know this cycle was not even supposed to be a "go" anyway, and by some miracle, we were able to try and got a dose of intralipids in there too, which was doubly awesome, and I was so thankful to have a shot at this cycle..... But still, I am feeling so bummed out today...

On 8 dpo, I woke up, broke down,  and tested...I saw a "shadow" on the wondfo's, and just kept testing throughout the day...By the end of 9 dpo, I had lines on 4 different tests, ( wondfo strip, wondfo cassette, dollar store test and FRER) squinters, but def lines. But over the course of the last few days, nothing has progressed, just kind of stayed the same...I held hope, and just tried not to obsess..( hence the not posting of HPT pics on the blog this time..Its gets to hard to have to see them, after the fact, when the cycle is a bust)

So....Today, 12 dpo, I woke up to a temp drop, and all tests now totally BFN...

I am trying so very hard not to just break down...I know I need to be realistic, and understand that just one try with the intralipids may not do the trick, and that we may need to do a couple cycles with the new protocol before we get a sticky...BUT, I was sooooo hopeful...

Even DH was really upset today....Over the last 2 years, he kind of just thought it would "happen" and that would be that...But now he is realizing this is a LOT harder than we anticipated...I think a small part of him thought it was "it" this month too...I caught him praying for me while I was "sleeping" this last week, asking God to heal my body and give us the baby he promised us...

:::sigh:::

The two year TTC mark is only a few weeks away... I never thought I would still be "here", still......

Friday, December 21, 2012

Beautifulness!!!!

I just LOVE when I have a pretty chart!!

Yes, I know, It does not mean a BFP/THB or anything else really, other than ovulation occurred and progesterone is now the dominant hormone....BUT, on a cycle like this, where Normally I would STILL be waiting to O, I am pleased as punch to see such a great chart for a cycle that we all thought was a "bust". Not only did I O'ed wayyyyyy early with NO meds, but my progesterone was good, and but my charts looks  aaaammmmaazzzinggggg....NOW, all I need is a sticky BFP!!

I have to admit, I am a LOT more hopeful than ever before....I sure hope that is not setting me up for a BIG fall at the end of this cycle...I know nothing is guaranteed  even if we do get a BFP, but the addition of the intralipids gave me a little more hope to hang on to that maybe, just maybe we will get our rainbow one day after all....

Anyway, here is my kick ass chart!

=)


Wednesday, December 19, 2012

That wasn't so bad!

   I am not sure what I expected, but now that it is all over, I can say with certainty, that is was a piece of cake!! The hardest thing was staying still in the chair for 2 hours! LOL!

I got there, got checked in, used the potty real fast, then my nurse drew my blood for progesterone ( came back at 10.7 on 5 dpo, not bad at all for a non medicated cycle and 2 days earlier than a normal peak P4 draw!) then got me set up in my chair and prepped me for my infusion. She then went over the waiver info, and I had to sign a few things. She then went over any side effects/adverse reactions etc...And gave me instructions for the rest of today/this cycle...

I was told to drink at least 80 oz of water today following the infusion, not sure why other than it is supposed to help keep away any head aches associated with the infusion.IV, and also, NO tylenol, and NO alcohol. No problem there! After that, I was all hooked up and ready to go!

I just sat there, and chatted on FF, and caught up on some old epps of  Grey's Anatomy , and guzzled water/ate some snacks. It felt so surreal to be there...Like I had been counting down to this for the last 3 months, but my silly body would not cooperate, and NOW, I was there...I was just so happy, sitting there, thinking about how awesome it is that this cycle happened to work out after all, and how lucky I am to have a RE who will let me do the intralipids!


So, anyway...It was pretty basic, no nonsense and pretty cheap in the grand scheme of things.... BUT, for me, it is worth more than GOLD, if this gives us a THB....Please God, let this WORK!!!

Intralipids today!

This morning at 10 AM, I will be going for my very first intralipid infusion! I am excited, as this is new for us, and has been shown to have great success rates for RPL ladies! I will get there about 10 mins before, just so they can do a progesterone draw as well, then I will get set up in my little room, and my nurse will start my IV. It should take about a hour and a half or 2 hours to completely infuse the meds. After that, I am set to go, and wont need another one till 5 weeks If we get a + preg test. And again every 28 days till 12-16 weeks or at my RE's/RI's discretion.

I reallllllllllly HOPE we caught the egg this month, and this new concoction helps us snag a THB! I am feeling all sorts of symptoms the last two days...I know it is just progesterone, but it makes me feel better knowing my levels must be good to cause the nastiness I am feeling! We will see what my levels are at this afternoon....Praying for the best!

Here is a nice Chart Overlay of this month's chart, along with two other previous BFP charts as well....So far so good! ( the teal color dots are this cycle)


Ekk...I am getting a little excited...which I know is a premature, but I am kind of liking the glimmer of hope I am able to hang on to for the moment...

I can't wait to TEST!!!!!
=P

Monday, December 17, 2012

Yay!!!

I am pleased to report, not all is lost with this cycle!! Not only did I ovulate way early, and get some BD action in, I also got the RE to let me do my Intralipids and prednisone!! I go down Wed morning at 10 am for a Intralipid IV infusion and a progesterone draw...I already started on dexamethasone, just waiting for my prednisone RX to come through for the correct dose! I am so stoked! I know this cycle could be a total bust due tot he funky O and whackiness, but, I have a LITTLE hope, now that I get to at least TRY the intralipids, and I will get them in time too, right on 5 dpo...which should work out great, it is not ideal, like having it done on CD 5 days before ovulation, but at least I get it done before implantation, that is key!

I also woke up to wonderful crosshairs! always makes me smile a little! especially with a early O like this month...I had virtually NO waiting  for ovulation like normal...So this TWW is already flying by!

Here is a peek at the chart!
=)

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Alrighty then!

Looks like It def was Ovulation!!! Got a NICE temp spike this morning, and all my regular post O symptoms! The only "odd" part about it all is HOW EARLY I ovulated this time....Talk about a SHORT cycle! Yikes!  It must have been a good O too, cause I already feel like crap, and am constipated...generally I don't feel that way till at least 6 dpo, so progesterone must be kickin in already too...As much as I hate to feel like junk, I am glad things are going better than expected. I expected another suuuupppperrrr LONG cycle like last month, NOT to ovulate on CD 8!  If this had not happened to ME, I might have said this was not even possible, especially considering how late I have O'ed for most of my life, so it really was a shock!

NOW...we wait....

I do have to say though, this might be the quickest, and easiest TWW ever for me, since normally, I am still 7 to 10 days away from O at this point! LOL...Here goes nothing!

Oh yea, here is my chart/Temp spike!


Friday, December 14, 2012

OK...really!?? what next!?

Soooo After my RE canceled my cycle, I just kind of resigned myself to the fact that this cycle was shot, and I was looking at another delayed ovulation cycle, like last month, and just was not even really paying attention...Well around CD 5/6, I started to get EWCM, like perfect, beautiful, clear, stretchy EWCM, and I noticed DH was VERY intent on BD, out of the blue, even whilist sick with the flu ( pheromones??  lol)...I was a bit perplexed, bit figured the high E2 that caused my cycle to be canceled was to blame...But on CD 7, I had even MORE EWCM, with my CP at HSO, and  I felt ovary twinges like I do around O time... Intrigued, I decide to take a OPK....
??????
Totally positive??? what!?

On CD 7?? What on earth? So I asked the RE what to do, he said, basically, more U/s and blood that close to "O"  would be inconclusive, and to just BD as much as we can and go for a P4 check on 7 dpo to see what is going on. No real answer on why this is all happening but he said conception can still happen, so to BD and take the dex and prednisone and then if P4 test comes back good we will do a intralipid IV infusion right after that, and hope for the best...This was great news for me, cause it made this cycle a little less stupid, but none the less, a + OPK  on CD 7? with O day on Cd8!? what the heck!??

The only thing I can think of, is that Ovulation did not happen last cycle, and it was a cyst that caused my temps to be wonky, but because I started prometrium on supposed "4dpo" , my chart showed a biphasic shift, and then the AF I got was just withdrawal bleed, and not actually "AF", all the while, my body was maturing a follicle?? I dunno, but this is STRANGE!

I didn't even believe it was real till today...

All yesterday  my OPK's looked like the pic above, with NO hold and every sample/test I took, I kept up with the ovary pains, and now today I have ALL my classic O type symptoms and my OPK is neg, just like all my other cycles,  so hopefully temps will also confirm and line up with everything...Most of all, I am hoping this crazy cycle gives us a shot at a take home baby, despite the odds.

So that's what is going on here...


Monday, December 10, 2012

WOW!!

I just happened to log on a few mins ago, and check my blogger account and all the blog's stats. I happened to realize, I just passed the ONE year mark from when I started this blog, and nearly 2 years TTC...Time sure does fly!!

Then I happened to look down at the "all time page views" and see over 22,000 views!!  Holy Cow! (And NO, I do not track my on views, lol)...I am actually surprised anyone reads this horrendous display of emotional baggage spewing all over the place....Some time I feel like a whining, insane, bitter, brat when I look back at some of my posts...LOL...I don't know how yall put up with me, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you! I appreciate the encouragement, and it really is nice to know this page reaches someone, somewhere, and even if only for a moment they can relate in a small way, and feel a little less alone in this LONG, hard journey, then it has been worth putting my time into this blog, and I don't feel as bad bearing my soul here on these endless empty pages...

Thanks readers, you just gave me a little "pick me up" from this really bummer of a day.
=)

Out again...

Even though we were not going to "try" at all a few days ago, then we decided after a long talk, to just see what happens/how we feel after CD 3 results came back.... I was excited at the CHANCE to maybe say "ok let's give it a go" But, yet again, my body is being STUPID!

The RE messaged back about the CD 3 labs, and basically said, I need to wait it out, no BCP's as they just "mask" the issues....He said to just try again with the next period...I replied back with a message to push the issue of additional testing, since this has happened now two cycles in a row, and  it is NOT normal, and I feel like something is "off"...We will see what he says...
=/


Grrrrrrrrrr.....

I am starting to realllllyyyy hate my body right now...

I don't have all the labs back from yesterday yet, but I logged into the portal and most of them were in there...Of course, I have to wait for a call back from the Nurse/RE, but, I am pretty sure this cycle will play out like the last one with delayed ovulation  etc......Levels are as follows...

E2- 109 ( should be under 50, last cycle it was 300+ on CD 3)
FSH- 2.66
LH-  6.89 ( the ratio between LH and FSH should not look like this- indicates PCOS)
HCG- <1 (I knew that!)
Waiting on the other two results...
P4- ?
TSH- ?

UGH...Looks like my "mild" insulin resistance" had turned into a more aggressive form, and presenting more like PCOS now...Great, just great...I sent a message to the RE on the portal about it all, asking what he thinks we should do next...Waiting to hear back, but VERY frustrated we are dealing with this same song and dance again!!! WHY ovaries WHY!????????!!!!!!!!!!

I will update once I hear back from the office...I am betting on having to go down for some more blood work and ultrasound to check on what is going on in there...=/

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Still not convinced....

Well, I got CH's yesterday....But, I am still not convinced for some reason. I feel Like the whole cycle has been ONE BIG fake out all the way across the board. So many issues, let downs, set backs etc...I am too afraid to think I o'ed, only to be caught off guard and set back to waiting for AF again because O didn't really happen...I think I am going to go do to the RE Friday morning to see if they can figure out whats is going on between some blood and ultrasound we should be able to get an idea of where I am at in my cycle...If need be, I can do a round of provera I guess, but I need to know what is up one way or the other...I may just wait it out some more too...I dunno......I feel like I cannot rely on my temps/CM/CP or body at all in general right now...Totally sucks...I just wanna move on to next cycle already!    :::stomp, whine, cry, grumble::::

Here is my "spectacular" ( NOT) chart....

Monday, November 26, 2012

I HOPE, I hope!!!!

I THINK I may have ovulated the other day!! I got a + OPK (I have had those in the past and NOT ovulated  so I still didn't really think anything) and then some EWCM,  now my temp is up two days in a row...Here is hoping I get CH's tomorrow (FF shows CH if tomorrows temp is high again)  and I can finally start counting down to the next cycle! Geez, this has been such an ordeal...I Hope to never have another cycle like this again!

Sunday, November 25, 2012

LIebster nominees

OK-
Here are my Liebster Award nominations… Please answer the questions and nominate your own fellow bloggers.

In no particular order-

  1. Bean journey
  2. Eat Love Procreate
  3. Our Journey to a baby bump
  4. 2 kidney beans
  5. Ive seen a love
  6. Strong mind, passionate soul, crappy uterus

Ok- Here are your 11 questions!

  1. If you HAD to choose- Salt or pepper?
  2. Favorite place to eat out
  3. Girly girl, or tomboy?
  4. Are you a saver or spender?
  5. Do you  have any animals/pets?
  6. How do you like your eggs cooked?
  7. Do you floss every time you brush?
  8. What is your favorite thing to do to pass the time?
  9. Windows or Apple?
  10. Would you go sky diving?
  11. If you could go back in time and change ONE thing- What would it be, and why?

Liebster Award!


I’ve been nominated for a Liebster Award!!! Woot! Go ME!
HUGE Thanks to Wanting another wagner for the nom!
For those who do not know....
The Liebster Blog Award is given to bloggers by bloggers. It is for blogs with less than 200 followers. When you receive the award, you post 11 random facts about yourself and answer 11 questions from the person that nominated you! After that, you nominate another 11 blogs, and ask them 11 questions!-
Here are my 11 random facts-  
  1. I used to wear glasses for a light sensitivity disorder
  2. I ALWAYS buy things on clearance- Like, OCD about it- I WILL NOT pay full price...lol
  3. I keep my hair brushes in my freezer in a bag ( dont ask-long story)
  4. My parents were professional musicians while I was growing up- 
  5. I grew up in so California
  6. I have experienced at least 3 BIG earthquakes in my time
  7. I went to cosmetology school
  8. I hate to wash silverware.
  9. I LOVE wearing flip flops and slippers ( depending on the season)
  10. I am a hair product junkie
  11. I put my Xmas tree up a week before Thanksgiving this year....( don't hate me!)

=)

Here are the questions asked by the blogger who nominated me---
1. Where would you rather live, beach or mountains? ---  
Beach for sure!!
2. What is your favorite season and why?--- 
Summer- I love to swim, and lay in the sun- cook outs, and camp fires, fore flies, and thunderstorms- 
3. What qualities do you look for in a best friend?--- 
Honestly, transparency, loyalty, humor, integrity, and confidentiality.
4. Are you a dog or a cat person?  Both
5. If you could travel to any country free of charge right now for 2 weeks, where would you go?--
Australia-! OR Iceland
6. Which family member are you the closest to and why?---
My Mother- She and I have been through hell and back together- 
7. Who is your favorite musician/musical group?---
Tooooo many to narrow down!!! I live and breath All KINDS OF MUSIC!
8. How many times have you been in love?--
I have been in LUST many time, but only really ever LOVED one man- 
9. What’s your favorite movie?---
It's a wonderful life- =)
10. eReader or real book?---
Kindle fire!
11. Come up with your own question and answer it.* Snow or rain?*---
Rain!


Standing on a road I didn't plan....Wondering how I got to where I am...


I know I have posted this one before, but it is worth a re- post....I cannot count the time HE gave me the strength to just keep breathing....


Saturday, November 24, 2012

I am so very Worn....I am crying out with all I have...let me know the struggle ends...

Selah - I Will Carry You With Lyrics

For my ladies facing this LONG hard road- It's Going To Be Alright

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it, but feel you're sinking in too deep
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

I believe you'll outlive this pain in you heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Oh, oh I believe I believe that

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

When some time has past us, and the story if retold
It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soul
Oh, oh, I believe I believe,

I believe
I believe

I did not come here to offer you clichÈ's
I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving- and some ramblings-

It was right about this time, last year, that I really started to realize this TTC thing may take a BIT longer than we anticipated...We had a few losses, but I was still rather hopeful, and had been keeping that "just keep trying, just keep trying" (sang in Dori from 'Nemo' type voice) mind frame firm in my head, not letting the doubt cause me to waiver in my assurance we would have a take home baby SOON.

I remember thinking- "This time next year, I will either have a newborn, or be BURSTING ready to deliver!...I will have name picked out, and know the gender, I will have been shopping for baby stuff and setting up the nursery at the very LEAST". I was so very SURE it would be a different scenario for Thanksgiving of this year...And It should have been...I should have a NEW baby three times over - or be 26+ weeks or 16 weeks- etc etc...I should be enjoying my rainbow...I should be feeling JOY - I should be seeing my new baby grow and grow......-But, I am not- things are FAR from that....

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not going to turn this into a 'poor me' pity party and spend the whole day feeling sorry for myself, because the reality is, I do have a LOT to be thankful for- SOOOOOOOO much!...My family both blood and otherwise, my husband,  my house, our health, our faith, our freedom etc, etc.....And of COURSE the BEAUTIFUL children I already have.....They are the LIGHT of my LIFE

 But even they trigger the hurts to surface now and again- For Instance, yesterday, out of the blue, I over hear them all talking in the other room, ( all 4 of them) about another baby ( they  know I am not preg) and what gender they want, and who it will sit next to in the vehicle, Who will sit next to the High char at the table, and who can get the diapers etc...etc etc...It was so hard-

I almost ran in there and shouted "STOP!, just STOP!"- But they have NO idea why it hurts me, or how hard it is to hear- It was so innocent. Secretly, I wished I could so effortlessly dream about having another baby as well, without the cynicism that comes racing back and quickly slaps me in the face, and then tells me just HOW MANY losses I have faced, and statistically, I am bound to have more....
Instead of interrupting,  I let them carry on, and listened, as my heart ripped out of my chest, and I fought back the tears- Feeling like a failure-....Later that day, I overheard  my 3 year old, randomly  ask Daddy if - "Santa can bring her a baby brother or sister"...To which he replied " If only it were that easy my love"....I cried...I know it is something only those with Kids who want more would understand- Women who are struggling to TTC #1, I understand how silly or ungrateful  it may seem, but for me, it hurts....

 It really hurts too be "here" still, and not even in the throws of a good promising/ well behaving, normal  TTC cycle....Nope, just stuck, in a hellish, stupid cycle of NO ovulation....Waiting....waiting and waiting....

.I imagined things so very different about how this year would be...It was almost as if I was THAT confident about it....Like I was certain there was NO way we could endure this much craziness for this long....Now, it seems like such a HUGE let down to reach the 'holiday's' again,  and have NO sticky baby...Again...It's almost like it makes it more REAL. 

 But, Today- I am going to smile through my tears and heartbreak and disappointments....  Eat tons of turkey, and overload on crap ( but delish tasting) food and decorate my Christmas tree while stuffing my face with chocolate cover cherries, and for the day, put TTC and baby stuff on the back burner...I may not have what I have been dreaming of for 3 years now, and I may never get it again, but I AM thankful for what I have...

Thankful for the many amazing people I have in my life, both near and far, and the amazing people I have met through this long hard journey through recurrent loss...I am thankful for this Blog, because not only has it been therapeutic for me, and I have received encouragement from so many wonderful women, but most of all, Thankful that I have been able to reach out and touch others in the same situation, and make them feel less alone or help them in any way...

I hope today is filled with lots of laughter, and love and fun for all of  my followers- And even if you are dying inside watching that pregnant family member who totally does not know how lucky she is- :cheers!!- shot o vodka:: here is one for you!
=)

Happy Thanksgiving!


Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Private RPL group...

Just wanted to share the Private TTC and dealing with recurrent M/C groups on FB that I started/admin. There are some amazing ladies there, all with various diagnosis's, most no diagnosis, as are most RPL women. You can ask questions, and most of all gain support there, walking through this very hard time, its always nice to have women to relate to.

Click HERE to Join-

Monday, November 19, 2012

GGRRRRRRRRRRR!!

CD 27-
 STILL....NO OVULATION....

That about says it all....

I am frustrated, sad, impatient and realllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyy disappointed that we are STILL dealing with this hellish cycle! I just wanna move on so we can do our new meds, and actually have a shot at a take home baby!!!

Please send me some O/AF vibes! I don't care which one happens, just something!!!!! ANYTHING!!

Friday, November 16, 2012

Somewhere over the rainbow...

Me singing "somewhere over the rainbow"...Hard one for me to do without crying-

LOL...

Yup, that's about all I can do right now is LOL

- I got a possible + OPK this morning so yay for that! But by noon it was neg....My temp did dip, so I think O will be soon thank goodness, then we can get on with this cycle and move on to the next! This has been one heck of a cycle/month.

- Then, to top off this crazy, stupid, silly couple of weeks/last month... I rolled my ankle and sprained it and jacked the tendon up...Ya, NOT fun, and VERY painful...I just finally recovered from the strange neck pain that spazzed my whole body out and caused me to have to eat valium and hydro's and now I am back to eating hydro's for the stupid ankle...UGH! I am so frustrated with things right now!

AND- we are trying to get a new family vehicle, and are waiting for some money to free up to buy one ( and also pay for Braverman testing) And things are LAGGING like crazy! I am not the more patient person in the world, but this whole month has tested me for sure...

Thursday, November 15, 2012

REALLY~!!!!!!!!!!!!??????

UGH-

CD 23- and NO sign of O! This is getting ridiculous!! I just want to move on for crying out loud! I hate waiting to O anyway, but even more so when this cycle is basically a bust, and each day feels like a million years! C mon stupid ovaries, and ovulate already so I can get on it with it!!!

Monday, November 12, 2012

I wont move or quit...I will stand-

‎"Cry if you must, But DON’T MOVE! Having done all to stand, DON’T YOU MOVE till you get your crown because GOD says when I send the crown, I will send the power to the place of your pain! And, until you can deal with your pain, You can’t receive your power. Stop avoiding it, Stop running from it, face it. Your power is in your pain! I came to encourage somebody! Don’t move, don’t jump, don’t quit, STAND RIGHT THERE!!! If you hold on, EVERYTHING God promised you will meet you in the place of your pain. Show me the place of your greatest pain and I’ll show you the place of your greatest promotion. Show me the place that tried you to the breaking point and I’ll show you the place of your prophetic destiny."-T.D.Jakes

Friday, November 9, 2012

ok- well, guess not-


Well, I def did not Ovulate-

Not even sure what is going on! Good news-- My thyroid is back to normal!??  Maybe the dexamethasone I was on back at the start of my cycle threw it all off?  My estrogen should be higher if I am going to ovulate soon?? My LH is rising,- and so is my FSH-? Aahh- Guess this is going to be one of those months....
Here are my labs from this morning-

TSH: 1.17
FSH: 8.16
LH: 7.46
P4: 0.67
E2: 40.36

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Another....

Strange cycle! Ugh! I am getting sick of this dysfunction I am dealing with in my cycles these days!

So as you all know, my CD 3 labs were off, due to this strange bleeding I am having, and even when I repeated the labs on another day- But, my estrogen was still just "too high" ( and my thyroid was off) to cycle with meds- so they canceled me- and told me to call in with the next AF-

So the bleeding continues, and gets worse as the days go by...After all was said and done, with spotting included, I bled for 15 days- 8 of those days were super heavy flow with large clots- then a few medium light days and some spotting before and after- I didn't even bleed that heavy, for that long after giving birth in the past! No one could tell me why I was bleeding this way....

Finally after what seemed like forever dealing with AF- I was down to super mild spotting. DH and I jumped on the chance for some fun together, but not cause we want to TTC, but cause it has just been "that long" since we could do anything, and man O was it much needed. Of course, I "thought" O would be wayyyyyy off- due to the messed up E2 and super long AF- But I woke up to a decent temp rise this morning, and while it could be a fluke my boobs are sore like I just ovulated as well...which is crazy to me!

I did have some EWCM- but that was mixed with HEAVY flow AF- for a few days, so because of the bleeding I did not even mark it as fertile fluid, cause, well, why would you!? Then after it slowed to spotting, I had a little more EWCM like stuff, but nothing I would have considered "my normal" fertile fluid-

I will have to wait to see what the next few days bring, but honestly, this is a bit strange. All of it. The E2 issues, my TSH going all whacked, the bleeding etc...I feel like my body is going to give out on me!!

ETA: I went ahead and called the R and asked for some blood work to see where I am in my cycle, and that way I know what I am dealing with! I go tomorrow morning, with results later in the day!

Here is the chart for your viewing pleasure! ( look at all those pink AF squares!)


Saturday, November 3, 2012

Falling apart...

I feel like everything is falling apart. Pretty much everywhere in my life, things are in chaos, and shambles...

To start with, the whole canceled cycle thing has only gotten worse- My TSH ( thyroid labs) have gotten even worse in a matter of days and no one knows why, I am STILL bleeding now, 12 days total- and it is NOT letting up- I dont bleed this long, ever, even after giving birth!? I don't get it! BUT I guess a little part of me is happy we did not try to cycle anyway, as it is certain this cycle would be a bust, regardless of what we did/do- But still....

So then, yesterday morning, I wake up feeling fine....Within a HOUR of being awake, my neck locks up, and I cant move it a bit- excruciating pain.I toughed it out all day, then finally decided, OK, I need to go get some meds for this, as I was laying on the couch bawling like a baby from the pain...Off to Urgent care we went...

I get there explain the last week or so, in regards to hormones, bleeding, TSH, neck issues. They draw blood, and get the ball rolling. Blood count came back find and iron ok, but probably need a little supps. So he said to follow up with OB/RE about bleeding Monday, as long as it does not get worse Other wise, I need to go to the ER asap. Ok I can deal with that-

Then, the nurse comes in to get vitals again, and goes over my meds- what I am taking etc...I am running through some of the meds I have been on/ am only on when I am cycling etc-After all that was done, the conversation went something like:

"Are you trying for a boy or girl or something?"  I said " Um, that is  kind of a personal question"- she went on to say- " Oh, sorry,  I was wondering why you would do that if you already have 3 kids, you couldn't pay me to put myself through the fertility treatments if I already had kids, Id just be happy with what I have" (insert judgy, snotty attitude)
- My jaw dropped...I said -- "well I have had 15+ losses,I am not doing the meds  because I cant get pregnant it is cause I keep losing them from immune issues"- I still kept my composure and let it go...She left, DR came in, and we chatted more about his thoughts on my neck pain, and  said he was going to send me for a X ray, and see what happens, other wise I would be going to hospital for spinal tap ( to rule out meningitis - I begged NOT to have that happen, as I have NO other symptoms-

So the  X ray tech came in to get me, and took me back- and was being snappy and strange from the get go- Then, while trying to make small talk, she was like Oh how many kids do you have- and I said 4- etc..." she says " Oh wow and you want another?" and I said, " that is a bit personal", in a snappy way, and she was like " well I was just trying to make conversation" as she grabs my neck and tries to manually turn it when I told her I cont move it!! I freaked out- finally caught a lab tech/nurse I know ( most of the staff on last night I did not know) and she got the director of the facility down to talk to me...I cried and cried- and explained how terrible those things were they said etc- and also expressed my  frustration with the lab issues from  last week when they lost my labs, did not run them in time ( they were STAT) etc, not once, but TWICE, and it has happened in the past SEVERAL times) which they were aware of and had been fixing (they ordered a NEW E2 machine JUST for me, so they would not have to send my labs out anymore...lol she said she calls it the (insert my real name) special! LOL....She said to me ( the director) " you are like family here, we want to make sure this is taken care of and I am going to deal with those women tonight" -To which I heard them being chewed out.....LOL...

 I know I have been at this too long when the lab/facility staff and the facility managers know me personally and order 10,000 dollar machines to appease me...LOL!!...Ah what have I become??! BUT then I think about the testimony of GOD that will come when we have that baby to all those people who have watched me endure this madness!!! One might wonder WHY I keep going back...Well, simply put, LOCATION. it is 5 mins from my house, VS 25 mins to the RE, and I don't have to pay a co pay when I go to my lab, everything is covered 100%, but when I go to my RE labs I pay 50 bucks a pop, so I endure the crap for convenience.

OK-So then, X ray's come back, And they said my neck is so spazzed out, they could see the muscle contortion in the X ray even!! They finally discharge me, and send me off with lortabs and valium. ( flying HIGH now...LOL) And told me to rest. That's what I am doing- rest, rest, resting. Still in a considerable amount of pain, despite the fun meds...They also repeated my TSH again, cause he saw my previous labs from the RE in the computers, and was also shocked and worried about the spikes ( TSH went fro. 1.24 to 4.09- then, to  8.20 just 3 days after the 4.09 result!!!)- so I will get a call today on those levels, and also need to get in to see the regular endo to figure out whats up....My body is like falling apart!! ahhhhh!!!


SO then, to touch on the other drama...It is never ending...Family drama,( another novel post)  church drama,( it would take me hours to write up on that one too) money issues, car issues,( I hate cars!) I mean seriously, my stress level is like a 15 on a scale of 1-10....No wonder my neck locked up so tight, I am a ball of stress compacted into a ready to explode bomb....

Now more than ever, I am thinking this may not have been the best time to cycle anyway, so maybe God knows what he is doing...Cause this would have been a heck of a time to try and focus on timing BD, OPK's etc...I honestly am not "feeling it", and am feeling very defeated...::sigh:::
One step at a time-




Tuesday, October 30, 2012

$HIT!!!!

I am so sick of all the SHIT!!!

Yes, I used profanity...It's that kind of day/week/month....

  Just got a call from the RE office, and after looking at my chart further, RE said NO cycling this month after all..::whine/stomp/scream/cry:::
  He said my TSH (which took a jump from 1.24, just 6 weeks ago to 4.09 Friday, to 8.20 Yesterday which is now a whole other issue on it's own!) and my estrogen which was STILL at 163,  I am not ok to cycle, and the nurse who said yesterday, that I was at baseline, was wrong ( looked at wrong levels from wrong day)...Freaking great. I already took a dose of Femara, last night...I am sure it wont do any real harm, but none the less... So, no TTC/ no intralipids nadda...

Maybe it is best anyway...Since in the last week BOTH our cars decided to die, leaving us in a pinch, and rather stressed out scrambling for $$ and transportation for a few days, and now trying to figure out whats worth it to put money into etc...Not to mention MANY other very stressful things going on I cannot really publicly get into, but stress is a factor right now. I have a busy 3 weeks ahead, so I will be okay, I guess, but I am just so sick of this, Up and down, yes, no yes no crap...Getting my hopes up, just to be disappointed again...

:sigh::

=(

Monday, October 29, 2012

All may not be lost...

Turns out, my labs on Friday were not really done on "CD 3"- I misjudged the heavish spotting as "light flow"- it went on for 3 days, and I thought I would just have a lighter cycle...Well, REAL flow came on sat morning, and today, I went and had my labs redrawn, and they are baseline! yay! However, my TSH is all sorts of off- so they adjusted my meds, and will recheck them in a few weeks- I will still follow up on things with my regular endo just to be sure. BUT, I get to keep my intralipid appt!! Yay! I cannot wait!!

Now to hope that Sandy does not kill it for me, and keep the power out and roads closed....



Saturday, October 27, 2012

You have to be kidding me!!!???????!!!! =(

Just great- This whole cycle is shot- They finally got all the rest of my labs back from Friday (after the lab screwed it all up) and my hormones are whacked out. My Estrogen is 350 still...And even though HCG was neg, and progesterone was baseline, my estrogen was not, Which means NO meds, NO intralipids and a busted cycle...She said I more than likely have a cyst. I have to call back Mon, and go for a u/s and blood again, but by then it will be too late to start meds, and do my infusion...::cry:: =(

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Intralipid appt set!

I am all set to go, Wed at 1 pm for my Intralipid infusion. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I can't wait to get this cycle moving! =)

What are Intralipids?

Hopefully part of the crazy cocktail that will give us a THB!

Intralipids Reduce NK cell activation - calm down overactive immune system/inflammation. (to help keep body from rejecting or attacking the embryo) 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18782287 As effective as IVIg http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17362387 Intralipids are safer than IVIg as they do not contain any blood products. ILs are also around 10x cheaper than IVIg. More information: Intralipid (IL), is a synthetic product composed of 10% soybean oil, 1,2% egg yolk phospholipids, 2.25% glycerin and water. Based on research performed at SIRM and elsewhere, infusion of IL lowers Natural Killer cell activation (Nka) as effectively as does, intravenous gammaglobulin (IVIG.) When indicated IL (as with IVIG) is infused 7-10 days prior to ET and one more time again after a positive pregnancy in women whose Nka is due to an autoimmune causes (antiphospholipid antibodies and/or antithyroid antibodies). In cases of alloimmune implantation dysfunction (DQa and/ HLA matching between the embryo recipient and the male partner) the same applies but in this situation the infusion is repeated at 2-4 week intervals until the 24th week of pregnancy. We have supplanted IVIG with IL therapy in a significant number of women undergoing IVF , and who had immunologic embryo implantation dysfunction. The results thus far have been excellent, way beyond our initial expectations. At last we now have a safe and inexpensive alternative to IVIG therapy...Intralipid! What is more, IL costs about 10 times less than IVIG, is not a blood product and is without significant side effects. http://haveababy.com/sirm-innovations/immunologic-treatment.html 

BACK!!

Well...

Finally, after a whack-adoodle second half of my super early O cycle, AF is here! Time to officially start TTC  again! I am so stoked. I have to give a call in to my RE and schedule a clinic visit for labs and my intralipid infusion! I start my dexmethasone tonight, and Femara on CD 3. I am so stoked to be moving on with this new plan, and hopefully only a short time away from snagging a take home baby!
Here we go!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

A little late-

Yesterday was a hard one for me. October 15th marks pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, and all over I saw reminders of our angels....Part of me felt connected to them again, and then, part of me felt so distant from reality...

I lit some candles in memory of our angel's my friend's angel's and the rest of the world...

                         Forever and always in my heart- I love you all my precious angel babies!!


Sunday, October 14, 2012

Seasons

Its so hard to watch the seasons go by...

   It's so hard to still be here -Hoping, praying, ,crying, desperate....Trying so hard to be patient, but desiring to get on the other side of this all...Each season that goes by, digs a bigger hole into my heart, creating this deep pain...I grieve what I do not have, and at the same time what could have been, so many times over...It is such a hard place to be in...I fight my way out, and go about the day, trying to live normal life, but every so often is creeps in, stronger than usual, and gives me a reality check...I am still wandering around inside a real life nightmare...

I watch the leaves turn an amazing gold, red, yellow, orange ...Crisp and brilliant...I watch them fall ever so softly, ushering the chilly, brisk air...My heart sinks as low as the fog in the valley...We enter another holiday season with no baby, and no sticky bean...We inch closer to the 2 year actively trying mark...A part of me feels like a failure...I struggle to climb out of my emotional, bottomless pit...It goes round and round like a merry go round...This vicious cycle...The swing between hope, grief, and being a cynical bitter TTC'er...I am rambling now...


Saturday, October 13, 2012

Coolness!

I DID actually ovulate early this month! I am still a tad shocked by it all. Totally not my "norm". Anyway that means this cycle will go MUCH faster, and we can get on with TTC next month-

Here is my strange looking chart.



This cycle has also kicked my butt- I had some KILLER cramps the other day, way earlier than normal in my cycle...Not sure what that was about...Anyway, I am anxious to get on with it and on to next cycle! counting down days!  I will be picking up my meds this week for all the immune protocol etc.  Turns out my progesterone in oil is NOT covered by insurance, so that will be about 75 bucks- yuck, but we will give it a try I guess!


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

One more day...

And I should have crosshiars!! Holy CRAP! I ovulated on CD 13!! My earliest O ever since charting for over 30+ months! I am quite surprised! I was overjoyed when the last two cycles yielded a CD 15 O day, but this? I am floored! Maybe the metformin is kicking in, and moving my O day up? Who knows really... I am not entirely sure what caused it, but I will take it!! Generally, my O day varies from CD 16- CD 22, with no real rhyme or reason, so I am used to things never being the same in any given cycle, but never in my wildest dreams  would I have guessed I would ovulate on CD 13! This means, this cycle will go by faster, and we can get to TTC faster!!  And that I ovulated in the "normal" time range!!!

The only glitch?...............

We had a super spontaneous, super HOT (more than amazing) BD session on CD 10....Me, thinking, (in a split second moment while I was all riled up- yes I realized my judgement may have been skewed due to the passion, lol) I would not O for at least 5-7  days, and having NO sign of fertile fluid, thought we would be safe....WRONG...

It was still 3 days before O day, so I am sure I will be OK, but let this be a lesson to those who think they have their "normal" figured out... LOL...Even the days around O, when I got EWCM, I was thinking it was just a fluke and from the HSG a few days before, and that O would still be days away...But the last two days temps, have been elevated in post O range, and all my other post O symptoms are there now...Yea...Took me by surprise!

I swear, we have the worst luck trying to abstain!! I either can't keep DH off of me or keep a hat on his manhood, or I get pregnant on the pill or some other strange crap! What is with that!?!!  I mean, I am thankful for a great sex life, dont get me wrong...lol  But man!.........
And before anyone yells at me through their screen for my "super fertility" remember, It comes with it's own set of issues in my case, because  BFP does not = a take home baby for us generally.

Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE nothing more, than to get a surprise, miracle BFP, and carry to term without immune meds and more extensive testing, and all that junk...BUT, I would just die, if we have to put the new protocol on hold for yet another month due to another loss or whatever...

I suppose the only thing I can do right now is wait, and wait....and wait...

And....try not to kill anyone in the mean time...I am having a SERIOUS set of mood swings with this cycle's onset of the luteal phase, and I already don't like being around myself...Lord help me....

Monday, October 8, 2012

Just trying to pass the time...

Nothing really going on...Just trying to pass the time...Been cleaning, and organizing so we are all ready for Holiday's and winter etc...

I THINK I may have either Ovulated super early, or just geared up to O...Wont really know for a couple more days, once I see what my temps do, but if I had to go on CM and CP alone, I would have totally thought I ovulated 100%...Part of me really hopes I did, so we can get on with  this cycle and have it be over faster! LOL. I there was a way I would fast forward time, I would be using it right now, that is for sure!
But, for now...I clean, and stay as busy as I can , so the days go by as fast as they can!

Estimated time left till TTC: 18 days!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

eeeekkk!!


So I have been looking for info regarding progesterone in oil injections so I can be prepared on how to do this. I stumbled upon a vid on youtube that shows you how. Come to find out, this is my fertility clinic who shot the vid. anyway...YIKES! that needles it HUGE! I am NOT looking forward to that, but I will do whatever it takes for a take home baby!!!

HSG results-

I went to the RE this morning for my HSG, to check the condition of my tubes, since the recent ectopics. I had a HSG, back in July 2011 that showed things were well in there, but we wanted to be sure nothing was gunked up before we started to TTC with the new immune meds.

Anyway, results:

Both tubes OPEN, clear and NO swelling! yay!!! Good news!!!!!!!

Here is a pic-
So, now that we have determined my tubes are all good, we can start moving forward with our plan.

We decided to wait in seeing Braverman until after the first of the year, and are going to cycle locally at my RE- Using, Femara, Intralipids, dexamethsone, progesterone in oil injections and prometrium vaginally after O. If in two cycles, we either do not get pregnant or have a m/c we will go right to Braverman and get tested, but I am hoping the new meds and especially the intralipids will do the trick!!
Now to pass the time, until next cycle!!



Monday, October 1, 2012

Back and forth...


   So, the Appt with Braverman is set,  but now, we are having car issues, and DH might have to work that week/day. That, combined with the 400 bucks I need to get down there, pay for child care, pay my co pays, gas etc... It is looking like we will have to wait till after the first of the year to go down there for testing. It totally sucks. If both cars did not need to be fixed/inspected etc, we would be able to swing it, but as it stands right now, we will have to change the plans...

   The ONLY good thing...My local RE, is willing to cycle with me, using femara, dexamethasone (a steroid like prednisone to suppress immune issues), Intralipids ( IV infusions that lower the NK cell activity) Lovenox, progesterone and estrogen. So, basically, what I would be doing with Braverman anyway, since I cannot afford the IVIG treatments, those are 3 grand a pop, and need to be done every 2 weeks!! The intralipids are about 80 to 100 bucks a pop, also needs to be done every two weeks, before pregnancy and during. All the other meds are cheap, like less than 100 bucks. so not too bad.  So, at least I have a RE willing to work with me, and try treating me empirically for immune related issues, which is more than I can say for the last RE I was seeing who point blank, told me Immune issues are bogus...

I will know by Wed or Thursday if we will be going to Braverman this month, or waiting and cycling with my local RE...And of course, all of this is pending the HSG results on Wed morning...

I hate this back and forth crap! I just want to get the ball rolling in some kind of direction, so I can feel like we have a "plan" and have something to look forward to!

Friday, September 28, 2012

HSG scheduled!

I called in today, to let the office know I had started a new cycle. I wanted to wait another day or so, just to be sure the bleeding stayed consistent with a regular AF before I called in. Anyway, I called in and let them know, and that I had been speaking with the RE via the portal, in messages, and he suggested a HSG to check my tubes again after the recent  ectopics. So, they took some info and sent me over the scheduling, and I booked my date- and they sent in a RX for my 3 days antibiotic course to start the day before the procedure.

I will go  in next wed, October 3rd, at 11 am. It worked out perfect, as my DH had the day off and can even drive me down and take me if I want him to. I will probably go on my own through, as I have already had this done before, and it was not nearly as painful as I imagined it would be. In fact it was a similar to the pain you feel with a pap, mixed with a little AF cramps. Nothing severe at all. This test will be able to tell us what the integrity of my tubes inside are. The last time I had this, back in Jul11' both tubes were open and clear. That is what we are hoping for this time as well! There is also a increase risk of pregnancy after a HSG for whatever reason, for the 3 months following the procedure, so, this, in combination with the immune testing/immune protocol in the following cycles, will hopefully give us a shot at a take home baby!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

YES!!!!!!!!

 I got a call from Braverman's office today...They ARE "in network" and it will only be a 50 buck copay to have a visit!! yay! I am still waiting to hear back about the lab they use for the testing, reprosourse, and if  they are also in net work. The lady I spoke to today, said she was almost positive, but wanted to re check and confirm...I hope to get confirmation tomorrow...

This is a HUGE step for me...I really never wanted to have to go down this road, but it seems like it it the last resort, and the DR seems confident he can diagnose me. The biggest challenge will  be getting some of the med's covered and possibly some of the testes. But I am praying it is minimal out of pocket....I really want to get some answers...

I do also have some good news regarding my regular RE's plan to treat me should Braverman not work out for whatever reason. (ie. insurance not covering the IVIg infusions which are 3000 a pop, and need to be done every few weeks). My RE said he would let me cycle with intralipids, and lovenox, baby asprin ( which  I am on anyway) and dexamethasone ( a drug similar to prednisone) along with progesterone support. so that is good as well...I know I said I was done with meds, but if my immune system is off, I need to get things sorted out. I will also do the gluten/dairy/sugar free diet while TTC/ and in early pregnancy. I am going to start on some of the supplements that Braverman suggests as well, to boost the body naturally along with whatever they decide to give me after I am diagnosed. The RE also said he only sees the need for me to abstain for one more cycle- and then we are clear to TTC again. He asked I take extra folic acid and calcium.

I also started a new cycle today...Which was TOTALLY unexpected! Not only did I ovulate uber early this month, AF came early as well! I was only 8 dpo today, and that made this last cycle only 22 days. I know  it is only because of the craziness due to the ectopic, but still! What a mess! But, I was glad I got to start a new, and will call in to the RE tomorrow to schedule my HSG, to see what my tubes are looking like in there before heading off to Bravermans's and getting tested...I'd like to know what we are working with in there... In light of the recent ectopics, and the RE agrees. So, that is where we are at...Really, really praying that this new turn of events gets us a bit closer to our take home baby!! I so desperately want to end this journey...It has been so long, and so hard....

Monday, September 24, 2012

Revisiting Immunology....

 So,  while browsing the net, looking for some info on supplements  and  diet changes to implement  for  when we decide to TTC again,  and I found a post on a paleo site, about the diet and auto immune issues, unintentionally.... It had a few other tag posts on the side, that were similar in content, and I saw a condition that I have struggled with for years, that another person had been also dealing with, and they noticed changes when they did the paleo diet, and restricted nightshade foods. I was intrigued with this new information, because this was contrary to what I had been told before, that the condition I struggle with was due to bacteria/over active hair follicles, and I was always on antibiotics in the past, but they never worked...So I began to research this condition in relation to auto immune disorders, and it turns out it is starting to seem that is IS indeed immune related. I am not going to go into detail about said condition I was looking into- as it is pretty embarrassing and quite frankly, just not  the best of topics to write on/ read about. But I will tell you, I have noticed the immune connection myself and it all made sense...

So then I began to start looking into some options in treatment for it, and stumbled upon some info that talked about elevated TNF-a levels that tend to trigger these instances, and that there are certain meds that can help lower it, and keep it at bay. Then it listed some of the TNF inhibitors and similar meds- I also red that welbutrin is in the same kind of family as some of the TNF inhibitors... which was strange, since I had been on webutrin for all 3 of my pregnancies before conception and the first trimester...Thought that was kind of intriguing...so on I went looking and reading... I spent a good 3 hours reading various sites, and medical  studies. and then began to think about how it is probably all related to my pregnancy losses as well...

I started to put two and two together, and began to revisit the idea of seeing Dr. Braverman in NYC. I decided to log on and ask a few questions regarding TNF's on Braverman's web page, and from there, decided to give the office a call and give my insurance info over, so they could see what my out of pocket expense is going to be with going to the office for a visit, instead of phone consults, that are not covered by insurance. I have the benefit of being only 3 to 4 hours away by car to NYC, so it is feasible to drive down there and get the ball rolling and see if they can test me and DX me. I even asked my Local RE what he thought my next steps should be, and he also said Braverman was the way to go. He agreed to collaborate with Braverman after the DX and help me cycle with meds locally. so that is a HUGE plus!

I know there is a chance it could still be too much money out of pocket, and I might not be able to get it done till after taxes come back etc..But I kind of feel like there is this one last resort, and I might just have a chance, if I go and check this immune stuff out. I have had a feeling it has been immune related for a long time, but then I tried to forget, and deny it, hoping I would supernaturally just fix myself and BAM we would get a keeper, but as the months have gone on and my history has gotten drastically worse, I think it is time turn over this one last stone...If not now, def in the future...I think this will be a HUE link for me, not just in regards to pregnancy but the other conditions, and if I manage it well, perhaps prevent me from getting even worse conditions and disorders as a result of my immune system being out of whack....

Praying for some amazing news tomorrow, and that we can book a trip to NYC in mid oct!

Rejoice!

1 Peter 1:6. "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials."

As Jesus is revealed in you, you can rejoice no matter what. The display of his glory often comes through your wounds. Your dark nights showcase by contrast his splendid dawns, your griefs contrast with his glorious joy. In brokenness, God works in you something beautiful, deep, and substantial to offer others. You are developing inner strength as you are being blessed, broken, and given as an offering in your trials. True strength comes from your desperate need of God. You are a joy to him as you offer your true self as a spectacle of his sufficiency. Paul said he wanted to know Christ and be conformed to the fellowship of sharing his sufferings, knowing there's a resurrection coming (Phil. 3:10).

Sunday, September 23, 2012

What a day!

It started out like any other Sunday...

I got up at 7am, got myself showered and ready to go for church, so I could get there for worship practice before service. I got there at 9 am, got myself sorted, and got to practicing our songs for the morning. Service started, and went seamless...It was an amazing morning, filled with so much healing, and freedom for those in the body...Everyone got prayer, and a touch from God...It was beautiful...I felt like I was on this supernatural high....

Service ended, and hubby left to take Kate home for a nap, and I kept the 3 older kids with me, so they could play, and I could chat over coffee with everyone. Had some great conversations and laughed a LOT. Finally, I decided to head home. Packed the kids up and on we went...

The afternoon was beautiful...Crisp, cool breeze, and the sun shimmering on the leaves of the tree that are just now starting to change over to their autumn hues...I was driving home, just soaking in the beauty and thinking of the morning...Thankful for all the things God did in the hearts of his people...

I get about 100 yards from my house, and put the blinker on, to indicate I would be turning left into the driveway of my home soon...I got to my drive way, and slowed down to stop and let the car coming the opposite direction pass by before I took my left turn...I glance in my rear mirror, and saw the car behind me slowing down, and then all the sudden, he starts to vear to the right between me and the guard rail...At first I thought he was going to try and pass me, and then, in a split second I hear a screech, and then a HUGE bang, followed by a JOLT of force...

I get out, and see two other cars behind/beside me, that were smoking and in pieces! I check and make sure everyone is OK, and everyone was, and get back in and pull my car into my drive way to try and  clear the road a little...My Husband heard the crash, and ran out, and called 911, and made sure the kids were ok, along with the other divers, and all the neighbors came out and were assisting  in directing traffic until the emergency vehicles arrived.

I stood there astonished....I had virtually NO damage to my car, except a few scratches...The other two cars had to be towed away, and were not driveable...The one car that caused the whole incident to begin with had deployed the airbags and the whole front end was torn off...The guy in the middle was not as bad off, but still very damaged, and their poor doggie got thrown to the front of the car in the impact...It was VERY scary...

I am still shaking hour later, due to the burst of adrenaline and craziness....I am so shaken up, I almost fear driving...
 I am so thankful for the protection of my heavenly father...There is NO doubt in my mind that he had his hand on us, and protected us...


Friday, September 21, 2012

That was FAST!

I was expecting this cycle to bee pretty funky due to the ectopic, and lingering HCG. I assumed I would not O at all, or at the very least, have a very delayed O date. Not once did I expect to ovulate the day after my HCG reached neg.

So, on CD 9, I  ran out of HPT's and began to use OPK's to see if I could see the decline in HCG with those, since they can detect LH and HCG in higher amounts. The OPK on CD 11 was still very much positive ( line darker than the control line) , and I assumed we had some time left before I was going to be at baseline for HCG levels. ( beta was 47 the day before CD 9) The next day, my OPK was still positive, but a bit lighter...I stopped testing, and decided to wait for the next beta.

So CD 14 comes along, and I go for my beta, and while I am waiting for a call back, I decided to OPK again, and it was still VERY much positive, even a little darker than on CD 9and 10. I thought for a while, that my levels were still increasing and I might need another metho inject...About a hour later, I got the call...HCG was neg. The positive OPK had me a bit baffled...So I tested again the following day, and got another +, followed by some EWCM. I figured I was just going to have some fluky opks, and temps due to the loss so I still j=kind of brushed it off...

Well, here I sit, with cross hairs, at 3 dpo! I am floored! Not only did I ovulate, but I ovulated early in a loss cycle and with NO meds! I am lucky to get a CD 16 O day on femara, so this took me by surprise!

I am glad to see my body is already back on track, despite the loss, and hopefully it stays on this track from here on out! I could get used to CD 15 O days! I am also super happy I did not have to deal with a hellish annov cycle on top of everything else we have had to deal with. Too bad we have to waste the eggy and cannot try this cycle...
=(

Onward and upwards I suppose....

Thursday, September 20, 2012

ugh...

So, I know I said I was going to lose weight, and get back on my diet, and start exercising....And when I said that, I really meant it...I still do...But, it has been harder than I imagined to get motivated enough to stick with it....Or even get started for that matter....

I cannot seem to muster the strength to get dressed and leave the house, let alone, diet, exercise, and do a cleanse, and start my herbs...I know I should just DO IT...But I can't....

See, part of me feels like, If I do all these things, I have a better chance at a take home baby...But, Then the other side of me feels like, if I do all these things, and it does not make a difference, and we continue to have loss after loss, then I will have come up with yet, another "plan" and it will have failed yet again...I don't know If I can deal with that...

To top it off- I feel like I am slinking into depression mode...Where I just don't want to do anything but sleep, eat and watch TV/play on the computer, and drown out the pain and emotions by filling my mind with as much mindless, stupid junk as possible. Which probably in contributing to the reasons why I have not started with my "plan" yet......I know it is not unreasonable to be dealing with that considering the last 19 months, with all the losses, but as silly as it sounds, it kind of snuk up on me...I have felt "fine"  for so long, with only mild moments of depression, and sadness, in the midst of  difficult times,  But in the last couple weeks, it has been more prevalent, and seems to be getting worse...I have teetered back and forth with going on some meds for  a short term fix, but I always end up with terrible side effects, and many are not safe for when we do TTC again...Then part of me says, screw it, I have done everything  "right" for 19 months, and it didn't make a damn difference in the outcome, why continue to limit things if it wont change a thing...? But then I swing back into "what if" zone, and I would kick myself in the ass if anything happened to a baby ( should be be blessed with one) that I could have prevented by avoiding X,Y and Z.   See, round in round in circles I go....

I hate this....I hate that this journey has infiltrated every nook and cranny of my mind, heart and soul, and it is slowly ripping the last bit of HOPE and life left out of me...


Monday, September 17, 2012

Back to baseline

I got the call this morning, my HCG is neg finally, and now I just wait for a new cycle to start. After AF, I will go in for a second HSG ( had one in July 2011) To take a look at my tubes, and see what is going on in there. I hope and PRAY they are both open and clear, and the ectopics did not damage anything and we are in the clear to TTC again.

We wont be using any meds, except for Lovenox in the TWW- and Progesterone after a BFP. I am done taking all that JUNK. I will be doing some of the natural/herbal things I talked about in a previous entry, and hoping for the best.

I was told to wait 1 to 2 cycles after the metho shot before we TTC again, so for now, we will use the dreaded condoms, and grin and bare it till we are in the clear again. I am glad to be on the other side of this ectopic, and looking forward to trying for a fall 2013 baby...