Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Adventures in my crazy life...

So, I had my tests today...It was rather eventful! I will back up though, and start from the beginning...

I went back down to Albany, and checked in at my cardiologists office for the testing that needed to be done.  First test on the list, Echocardiogram.

















I went in, got on the LOVELY gown ( shown above)

Then , a wonderful tech came in and probed my chest for 25 minutes. Which incidentally was more uncomfortable than a follicle scan, and lasted way longer...No word back on those results yet...
As soon as it was done, I got dressed, and waited for the Tilt table test ( aka- TTT)...

I was slightly nervous before, but nothing major. I had done a little reading, and even watched a few vids from the mayo clinic on TTT's, so I was aware of what they were going to do, to reduce anxiety. They called me back, and had my take off most of my top wear, and put on a gown. I then waited, while they went over the test, and what they were trying to find etc...

Then, they started to hook me up to all the machines...Holy crap, was it a LOT of wires. They would not let me fiddle with my phone or take pics..Boo...lol...But in hindsight, I am glad...

So, the first part of the test, you start out laying flat. They get a baseline heart rate and blood pressure. Then they raise me,  to a mostly standing position, while strapped down to a table, also, while continuing to monitor. This goes on for 45 minutes. If I were to have passed out, they would have stopped the test, and had the results needed. But, I stayed awake. I had many issues with fluctuations, but none severe enough to cause me to pass out.
After the 45 mins, they lay you back down, then prep and IV line to give fluids, and to administer a medication called Isoproterenol. It acts to speed up the heart rate. Then they stand you up again for 30 mins, unless you pass out before then....

Well...Things did not go as planned when they gave me the meds through the IV...I ended up having a bad reaction...I was immediately unable to breathe, move, talk etc...My heart rate went up, my muscles started shaking and I started to have hot flashes and cold sweats...The monitors started going off, they stopped the meds, and started me on oxygen ASAP, then laid me flat, to try and stabilize my heart rate and Blood pressure. I did not even get to complete the second half of the test. They were all freaked out by the event, and made the DR come in and see me before I could go home, because it was soooo crazy! None of them had ever seen anyone react to the meds that way before. I was slightly traumatized...It was a bit much for me...My body is still so tired, even now from it all.

Anyway, I ended up, after all was said and done, with a 30 day event/loop monitor, that will continuously monitor my heart for any abnormalities over the course of the next 30 days...Here is a peek at my new "best friend" for the next few weeks...


This little gadget will go with me EVERYWHERE, 24/7 except while in shower, for the next 30 days...Fun fun...


Monday, January 27, 2014

Ohhhhh!! Makeup!!!

So I was sitting around, looking for ways to raise a few bucks to go towards the tuition for the StillBirthday.com's bereavement doula training program. I really want to focus my efforts on taking the experiences we have had to endure, and using them to HELP other people.

Anyway, I stumbled across some info on this company/product, called Younique. One of the ladies in my church has started to have some virtual parties online, and I saw all the cool pics on the facebook groups and it had me interested...I began to check it out...


I am NOT one to hop on the next new "bandwagon" or "fad" marketing product team...BUT, I am a sucker for good makeup, and this stuff rocks!! The  Fiber lashes ( 100% natural, made with green tea leaves!) have me in awe! Seriously! Ahhhhmazzzing!!



  Over the next 10 days, I will be posting pics of myself modeling the different products/looks! So stay tuned!  Click HERE to visit my page and order some of the finest, high quality make up you have tried in a LONG time!


Friday, January 24, 2014

Happy Birthday, Molly!!

Today, my Furbaby, Molly turns one year old!

This little ray of sunshine has brought so much JOY and laughter into our lives...we are SO thankful for her...I am fully convinced a dog can bring healing to the soul in a way that nothing else can...I have experienced this first hand...

Here is a photo bomb of our "baby".....








Thursday, January 16, 2014

Trust & New Pajamas


So, a blog comment I got the other day from wonderful woman, and awesome supporter of mine, caused me to pause a bit, and kind of evaluate some things about my faith and relationship with God. Which I truly appreciate, because she was kind and not judgy in her words...And I felt God gently nudge my heart each time I read the comment over... I felt my face start to burn with emotion, as tears welled up in my eyes...And I finally admitted to myself...

I do NOT trust God...At least not fully, like I once did...


But I desperately WANT to be at that point again....Trusting fully...And filled with peace...

I walked into this journey,  to try for one more, 100% SURE, God was calling us/giving us the desire  to have another baby...I/we were, 100% certain we would walk away with a baby in our arms...As a matter of fact, I would have bet my LIFE on it.

Now, 3 years later, I am broken, weary, and so utterly soul shattered, that I simply cannot "look" God in the eyes...How could he let me endure this so many times? Soooo many complications...So mannnyyyy losses...Ectopics...Surgeries...Now the loss of my once so strong faith, and hope....WHY even let me go through this if we wont get a baby? Why give me the desire at all to start?? Why not just keep me from even getting pregnant? And what was the deal with getting pregnant on birth control, when I decided to just walk away, so I could physically heal..???...Or why so many ectopics, and the loss of my tube and almost loss of my life?..So many questions that have NO answers...How can I fully let go, and give  my life over, back to God, and his will for my life, if I cannot TRUST him fully?
The answer is:
I can't...

So how does one begin to let go of the disappointments, hurt, and fear, and TRUST again? I am still working that out myself. For me, Simply admitting to God that I am dealing with distrust and hurt seemed to unhinge a portion of my heart, so I can give it back to him....
 There is something about being raw and transparent  before God and even before yourself, that just shines light into the depths of your soul...



Its not an easy process to start...If anything it is rather messy, and I have barely seen the tip of the iceberg that I am facing...But I know I NEED to deal with this...Its vital I allow the fullness of my emotions to come out before God, so he can actually work with me...But first I need to put my HOPE in HIM and him alone, and not "God, AND, a baby" (or husband, career, ministry etc) or whatever variation it may be at each stage in my life...HE needs to be enough for me, regardless of what else I may have in my life at that moment in time, or what disappointments I face...

Which brings me to the PJ's...

I realized, shortly after the above emotional moment, while going to get my PJ's on, that I had placed such hope and faith in having a baby, that I even put these hypothetical scenarios in my head when I bought PJ's 3 years ago. I remember when I bought several sets of them, a few months before we began to really actively try, but were set on having another, just waiting for surgery...I was standing at the rack, envisioning what those PJs would endure in the next few years...I imagined a belly, that eventually would not fit in them, but still would offer room for nursing after...I held on to this hope those PJ's would see the birth of a baby before they were thrown out...Last night, I looked in drawer and instead of grabbing my PJs, I cried...I was NOT putting those PJ's on again... those reminders of the dreams I had that wont be fulfilled...I wiped my tears, and rushed out to KOHLS, then, bought a few new sets,  come home and promptly threw the old ones out...


It was a strange feeling...

I have removed almost all things that remind me of our journey...The boxes of sharps containers, drawers of maternity clothes with tags still on them, and baby clothes I have almost gotten rid of now from gifting to other people for baby showers, as each month slipped by and we didn't get a take home baby...And last night, I finally got rid of the PJ's ...as STUPID as it sounds, (and it does!) throwing them away felt good! Never mind they were half paint filled anyway from painting this house to get ready to list (which BTW is going well, but no offer yet)...It was like I laid to rest another area of my hopes and dreams, and I stood there and laughed at myself...Pajamas?? Really? lol...This journey really does make you go nuts! But I am starting my new journey with a few brand spanking new sets of jammies that rock my socks off!  At least I can battle whatever comes our way in comfort! 
:)




Tuesday, January 14, 2014

- Reblogging- Not everyone get's a rainbow

4 years ago..... I was in THIS PLACE......(beautifully written, and very much true, I know there are a few who can relate to this now- which is a part of the journey)

I was feeling so much healing, since  the loss of our Hannah, with the recent birth of my "rainbow" baby  Kaitlyn (We lost Hannah in august 2008- I gave birth to Kate in July 2009- Just a few days before our 1 year angelversary for Hannah)...

I swung between feeling like I was still too far in the loss community for comfort, considering "I reached the other side", and I didn't want to make newly bereaved mothers upset, especially those who could not try on their own, without assistance and a LOT of money,  but I could not let go totally, because I was afraid I would also lose Hannahs memory at the same time,  and  also, my "badge" I earned from surviving the unthinkable...

But slowly, over time, I let go of my place in the loss community, and it felt good...I was finally in this place, where I was OK...I NEVER thought I would ever be "OK" again after losing Hannah...It was a bittersweet blessing...I wanted so much to be "OK" again, but there was a familiarity in grief and pain and in the loss community I didn't want to lose, or be shunned  from...

But my new normal came...I was no longer weeping every day...The optimism, that once was so vibrant, and overshadowed any cynicism in my life, was back again!! I was no longer a walking zombie overcome in grief, and I was no longer faking smiles. They were REAL, authentic, and I was happy...I felt JOY...

It was that healing, The JOY, that new normalcy, and newfound happiness, that brought us back to the conversation of trying "one more time" .

We had MANY reasons for wanting to try one more time. All of which were valid and well thought out. MANY were very personal, and VERY spiritual as well.

We would have NEVER  brought it up again as a possibility, or even considered entertaining the thought of TTC again, had it not been for that healing...It was that very JOY, that healing, and happiness that brought us the courage to talk through the possibilities of having just one more...We discussed actively TTC, before the "age gap to have siblings close in age is gone", "before I turn 30 etc"... Because we had a LOT of things to deal with before we could go on.

It was not as simple as just making the decision to try again,  and then having sex...It would require surgeries etc. But each time I thought about how hard it might get, I looked at my "rainbow baby", Kaitlyn,  and I remembered telling myself, "Healing is possible, no matter what I endure through this time...As long as I get another "rainbow baby, I will be fine"". After each loss, I would remember that feeling of JOY after we had our rainbow baby kate, and that would keep me going....

Over the last 3 years, (and up until april/may of last year we we got our official immune diagnosis) I always, always, always thought we would have another take home baby...Never in my dreams did I think it would never happen again...


I had, inadvertently, placed this expectation, before we even began to TTC, that, IF we had to endure a loss or two, it would be "ok" because we will get our rainbow baby, eventually ...I had put this unwritten rule down on paper in my head..."Even if we were to endure insurmountable loss, having a rainbow baby would make it all better"...It seemed like even online, around me in my close relationships, all you read/hear about is, how everything was "made right" when you met your rainbow baby...Heck, I had even uttered those VERY  SAME words myself just a few years prior, because in some ways, for me  it WAS true, based on my experience with having kaitlyn after losing Hannah...But I was an exception, not the rule...which is something I have come to realize...

"Everyone eventually gets their rainbow baby, one way or another, and when you do, everything you endured is worth it."... 





How nieve....How stupid...

Just because we were lucky enough to beat the odds after several early losses and a 2nd tri loss, and some how, managed to carry to term again, and have a healthy take home baby, didn't  mean it was SURE to happen again...

I am reblogging this post.. "Not everyone gets a rainbow"...

 It has been a post that I have read over and over...I have written a variation of this post of my own, several times over, in the last couple of months, but I  hit delete before I can even think twice, and publish, for fear of being flogged by the community.....This has soooo resonated with me...And  has so MUCH truth in it...Truth I need to start accepting...

The end of our "journey" , as we have known it for the last 3/4 years, is going to end soon, with NO more living babies to make it "all better"...And despite what many might think, the children you already have do not "make it better" either... It just gets different. You learn to honor the lives lost (simultaneously, you become more present in the lives around you) in a special way, but let go of the grief and stop letting it define you...At least,  that is what I am starting to see, on my own personal journey to acceptance.

So....What do you do when you have NO option to have a living child added to your family, for either the 1st, or 4th time?

I like this quote:

"Lets stop pretending that the best way to heal is to feel the redemption of birthing a healthy baby and recognize, healing has to come solely within."

I never thought I could agree with this quote ( above).

Heck, I was the poster child for hope where there is none  ( ie. 15+ consecutive losses, with 4 ectopics), with less than 1% chance of carrying to term, (due to the immune issues) but still, I hoped and prayed, against all odds, when those two lines appeared, ( in the past) that a miracle would happen...Each time, let down...With each loss...More complications...

 I am slowly realizing, with our super slim odds on own own, and very slim odds even with the use and necessity for major immune meds/ivf etc/.. Then, add in my newer cardio issues and possible (I do have it, just not officially diagnosed) hypermobility/connective tissue issues,  the risks are too high for me to keep playing this game of 'chicken'...

After the last ectopic that ended in surgery, with them accidently cutting my intestine open, and then after the fact, reading on my charts,finding out that I had issues waking up from general after surgery, I am just done gambling with my life to try and bring forth another child...I wanted this more than ANYTHING...I still DO...But enough is enough...

But how does one heal with no "rainbow" after the storm?

I am trying to figure that out myself...I didn't say I had it figured out...But somehow, I have to find a way to acceptance...even though it feels as if it closely resembles defeat....Giving up after so MUCH time, money, energy, thought, prayers, blood, sweat and tears were put into this...And walking away empty handed...Changing your expectations on how your plans were going to work out...Its a very strange feeling...You know it is right, but it feels sooo wrong.

I need to find a way of  knowing, deep down, my days of having more children are OVER, even if I don't want them to be, and someway, let that grief go..Grief for both the losses we endured in trying to have another take home baby and for the loss of the ability to ever have another biological child, EVER...

Its a hard thing to accept.  I am sure harder if you have NO living children. I cannot compare, or even begin to imagine, as I am not in that place....My heart truly breaks for those walking that road....

 But, I can speak from my own experience, and having done it (had a take home baby) and now not being able to, is immensely hard, at least for me personally, because I KNEW exactly what I was missing, and I KNEW, there was nothing I could do to make it happen, (at least in this lifetime) and I have felt so utterly betrayed by my body, because after 15+ losses, it couldn't just hang on to ONE more , and give me that "rainbow" to soothe the wounded soul...I became bitter and angry at those who can and do choose to make it happen on a whim, and choose NOT to take care of the baby they produce in their careless decision making. ( ie. crack heads, etc)...It pains me to see women with 7 to 9 children, they pawn off on aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...Why does it get to be easy for THEM?

But, eventually, one must stop asking those questions...There are NO answers to them...The world is what it is...NOT fair...It has never been said that the world WAS fair to begin with...I am not sure where this notion came from that everyone will get a baby when they want it just because they are good people...Yet somehow, we cling to that logic and wish everyone a "quick journey to your rainbow baby!" after they have a loss...As if somehow, having endured such heartache, it automatically means you get a baby to even out the scores ...

But the truth is....Not everyone gets a rainbow...

I/we wont ever get a rainbow following the storm of the last 3 years...No, In fact, another storm, of a different variety is headed this way with NO reprieve...

I am going to stop waiting for this infamous "rainbow" to appear, and learn to dance in the rain instead...I might fall in a few puddles, get muddy, and cold, but I will find a way to get through this, and instead of giving birth to a baby, I will be in the midst of a rebirth, of myself...

This year, I have to  rediscover who I am now, and where I am going, now that our plans have changed...I don't know where I am going to be this time, a year from now...I hope a MUCH better place, and closer to living with that JOY I once had in such abundance...I can't make any promises on my progress, but I can promise I am going to work as HARD as I can to get to that place of peace, now that I KNOW, it wont be in a take home baby....

Friday, January 10, 2014

My Cardiology appointment -



Well...After "braving" the 1 inch dusting that mother nature chucked down, that made it slippery and MESSY enough for all the upstate  NY'ers to turn into maniacs who do not know how to drive, almost peeing my pant, almost getting in a accident, getting lost, AND falling in the snow...I finally made it to AMC- (Albany Medical Center)

I met with a Cardiologist at Albany medical center this morning. Dr. T.  He was a fantastic DR, and nearly restored my faith in DR's! Even his staff were awesome! You dont usually find BOTH under one roof! LOL..
Anyway. I went in to be evaluated for some issues I have been having (all my life really) Specifically worsening in the last year. I have been leery of doing a lot of reasearch on my own, as not to "convince myself" I have some other rare bull crap disorder to deal with...I met with Dr.T, and he took down all my family history of heart issues, which in of itself , he said, was enough to be evaluated as it is...Then add in the symptoms I was and have been experiencing, and he was very glad that I am getting looked at and checked out appropriately now.

In the past, when I would have a episode, where I would pass out, or start to feel"off", I would go to the urgent care, they would run a CBC, do a EKG ( which BTW shows nothing, unless you just had a heart attack or are super sick with an infection) and some basic vitals and send me on my way with valium and anti nausea drugs. Saying it was "anxiety attacks" and what not...One specific time, was right after the methotrexate injection in May/June of last year, and I passed out 3 times in a row, and went to the urgent care and they, and my RE said it must have been a side effect of methotrexate....So basically, no one has even thought to think about cardiac related issues...

After talking through my symptoms and what a "normal" episode is like for me (which ranges from feeling brain fog, to flushing, cold sweats, vomiting, dizziness, and eventually fainting) He said he believes I may have a thing called, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome-  AKA, POTS. He ordered a few tests to check things out.

1. Being an echocardiogram- Basically they take some very high tech pics of my heart.

2. Tilt table test.

3. A 30 day loop of my heart rhythm  - This is where they record and send the signals that my heart gives off 24/7 (except when I am in the shower) electronically to my DR's office/computer system.

I am assigned to go for these tests on Jan 28th.  I am set to follow up with Dr. T on Feb 25th, just before we head out to CA.

Next week, I am going to be setting up an appt with a cardiologist out in CA (for sometime in april) who will be able to manage this, should this issue be confirmed through testing.

So for now,  that is about all I got...I will leave you with a couple videos on POTS- If anyone is interested....


Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Before & After

This was me, Jan 2013
Dark , LONG, naturally curly hair (down to my butt)..40 lbs heavier...


Here is me, TODAY:

Hair shoulder length ( just a tad longer) straightened, and with a color change.
:)

Which one do you all like best?

Hubby misses the LONG hair, but likes the color and style...I could go either way...I still do curly now and again, even with the new color and length, but I prefer it straight when it is this length.



Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Hello 2014!

Well, well....Here we are...

A new year, new opportunities, A chance to start over...


I am excited for what is on the horizon for us!! It has NOTHING to do with TTC/IVF/adoption, babies etc..We have realized it is time to set aside those dreams and desires, and focus on something else for right now, not because we WANTED to, but because we HAD to...Maybe one day, things will be different for us financially, and we can look into those things again one day, but for now, we cant even entertain the thought...Anyway, I digress...

So, this year, we have quite a bit going on!! Here are 4 things that will be happening  in 2014~!

1. We are MOVING, from upstate NY(20 mins north of albany), to Southern Cali (near Big Bear- 60 miles east of LA)! It is actually my old hometown we are moving back to, it is is kind of exciting, adventurous and nostalgic all at the same time!

After more than 80 hours of work in the last 2 weeks, the repairs, painting, packing and staging is DONE! Picture appt was yesterday (for the agent/listing) and the house will be officially on the market later this afternoon!
ahhhh!!!!








We are waiting to hear back from DH's company, from the district in CA, to see what the relocation benefits are going to be for the available positions in the 3 locations he chose....We should get that info by the 24th...Its looking like end of Feb/early March will be our ETA for CA!! It is going to come sooooo fast! I am thankful we are 85% packed...NOW to start making calls for switching schools, getting homeschooling info, getting info on DR's and new Vet's etc...

An other HUGE thing I am thankful for, is my parents are letting us crash there for a couple months till be buy out there...Hoping everything is seamless with the selling of this house and buying/closing of our new home, so it wont be toooooo LONG...I love, love, love my mom, but after 2 months living there, I will be ready to set up our own place! LOL!

2. I have signed up to do the required classed to be a StillBirthday.com's certified bereavement doula! I am excited to start using the immense grief/pain/heartache we have had to endure, to help other people! I WISH I had someone experienced and trained like that when  we have been faced with losses in the past, especially the later losses, and the ones requiring surgical intervention etc. I think this will be a good step in the right direction for me...I aso think the training will bring about healing for me, that is much needed, as will being there for another  woman in a time of heartache...Not that I don't get a HUGE blessing out of "being there" for my online ladies and blogger friends etc, but I know, that one on one, in person interaction with another who has walked in similar shoes can be a huge help, when you feel SO alone...I should start classed and training this summer, once we get settled out in CA!

3. I am writing music again! I am singing again! AND my mom (who is a musician/performer, in the resort area of so. cali) and I are collaborating, and will be gigging together at least once a month! I am soooo excited to really get back into doing something I love...For so long, music has been a trigger for me...hearing certain songs that were popular during certain time frames after a loss etc...Sometimes the words, they just cut  like a knife, and  slice open the gaping wound in my heart...I have kept my music and writing and such at arms length, long enough. I am ready to pick back up, where I left off, and let the music heal! And, the icing on the cake, my kids are getting into music and dance as well- (the girls will do ballet at my old dance studio)

4. I have lost 40 lbs since this time last year! I have to say, I am pretty stoked! I dont even have any before and after pics that would show the weight difference, as I always hid from the lense especially if someone else had control on the camera...Anyway, it feels good to retired the size 16/18's...:) I still have 30 more lbs to go, but I have a feeling it will happen in time, after we get settled into a routine again...For now, things are just chaos...LOL...Living moment to moment! Trying to enjoy the ride!!

So that is what is going on for right now...



Saturday, January 4, 2014

She should be five....

January 4th...That was the date our Hannah Marie was set to enter this world...She should be turning 5 today...

It is such a strange feeling...

 We should all be celebrating the birth of a life today...5 years of glorious living, loving, laughing,  making memories and exploring the world with childlike innocence...We should be celebrating with my father also, but even he is not present, taken by death (he passed at age 50- in 2004)

Life is short....Sometimes, way too short...

Today: I am going to make a point to celebrate MY life, my Husband and kids lives...It is the birth of a new year...We need to celebrate each day! So many new things going on ( I will make a separate post about all that) and things to be thankful for!

But I can't help think of my little girl who "should be" here with us...But, then again, if not for her loss, I would not have my rainbow Kate...Who is my everything....4 and a half years old... Golden, curly hair, porcelain skin and blue eyes that you could get lost in...The most precocious little sweet pea you could ever meet....The Immunologist who diagnosed us with our allo/auto immune issues this past March said,  she was a "true miracle"......So it is a strange paradox...To grieve the loss of one life, but then at the same time, be thankful for the path that led you to what you have now...Anyway...

A little about Hannah, for those who are not familiar with her story...

I found out we were expecting Hannah, after a years worth of trying, and then, giving up. I took the test on April 28th 2008. Which happened to be the 4 year anniversary of my father's passing.(He should also be turning 60 today, which always had me puzzled that he due date was his birth date, and I found out about her presence, on  his death date)..It was an emotional day...I was so nervous...ALL. THE.TIME.  Even after the sacred "12 week 'safe' mark", I was scared...I never knew why. I felt morbid and really kind of messed up actually... Eventually, when I could feel her move, those feelings slowly went away...

On August 5th 2008, everything would change. We went in for our scan, to verify our Hannah was indeed a she, (the few days prior when I was feeling off, (aka- gained 25 lbs in water weight, migraines etc) they did a u/s at hospital and said "girl")...Only to find out, she had passed just the day or so before the scan...It was one of the single most horrifying events in my life... had to go home that night and sleep with a dead baby inside of me, while I figured out what we were going to decided as far as getting the remains of the pregnancy out....Not a decision anyone should have to make...Not something I was able to think about fully...It was HELL...

But in 48 hours time, all was over, and I was left empty...I left the hospital in a wheelchair, like all the other mother's with their newborn's...But my arms were empty, we had no baby in a car seat to carry out...That day, I was forever changed...I had some early losses in my younger years when we were not actively trying and such, and it was hard, but this...This, was unbearable...

I left that hospital, a worried, stressed, confused, angry, grieved, hurt, bitter and heartbroken woman....

5 years later...::sigh::...I wish I could say I was "all better"....Ya, NOT gonna happen...I am still very much grieved over the loss of that precious baby girl....Even though I have since had a "rainbow" (and then, after, more than 15 consecutive early losses since her birth)...Nothing replaces the unique person she was/is/would have been here on this earth....I felt her move inside of me...After she left, my milk came in, and I was left with a empty womb, empty arms and full breasts with NO baby to feed, or cuddle or snuggle...It was a hard time...I still had flashbacks, and certain things trigger me to "go back" to that time and place, weather I like it or not...It is not a choice...I had a dream about Hannah Last night, which is why I posted this...I was going to leave it alone...Since I know, most of you know about our history with this loss, but I cant help but think of her today...I miss her...Someone I barely had a chance to make ANY real memories with...But I miss her...

I, however, will not let it control me, or keep me in that "pit" I was so stuck in just a few weeks prior...

I will still celebrate the life I am living with the people I am living it with, right now....I will enjoy the moment...EACH ONE...Yet, still hold on to the memory of my babies in my heart...ALL of my babies who fly, instead of walk...But today, I honor and remember our precious Hannah Marie...