Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Still not convinced....

Well, I got CH's yesterday....But, I am still not convinced for some reason. I feel Like the whole cycle has been ONE BIG fake out all the way across the board. So many issues, let downs, set backs etc...I am too afraid to think I o'ed, only to be caught off guard and set back to waiting for AF again because O didn't really happen...I think I am going to go do to the RE Friday morning to see if they can figure out whats is going on between some blood and ultrasound we should be able to get an idea of where I am at in my cycle...If need be, I can do a round of provera I guess, but I need to know what is up one way or the other...I may just wait it out some more too...I dunno......I feel like I cannot rely on my temps/CM/CP or body at all in general right now...Totally sucks...I just wanna move on to next cycle already!    :::stomp, whine, cry, grumble::::

Here is my "spectacular" ( NOT) chart....

Monday, November 26, 2012

I HOPE, I hope!!!!

I THINK I may have ovulated the other day!! I got a + OPK (I have had those in the past and NOT ovulated  so I still didn't really think anything) and then some EWCM,  now my temp is up two days in a row...Here is hoping I get CH's tomorrow (FF shows CH if tomorrows temp is high again)  and I can finally start counting down to the next cycle! Geez, this has been such an ordeal...I Hope to never have another cycle like this again!

Sunday, November 25, 2012

LIebster nominees

OK-
Here are my Liebster Award nominations… Please answer the questions and nominate your own fellow bloggers.

In no particular order-

  1. Bean journey
  2. Eat Love Procreate
  3. Our Journey to a baby bump
  4. 2 kidney beans
  5. Ive seen a love
  6. Strong mind, passionate soul, crappy uterus

Ok- Here are your 11 questions!

  1. If you HAD to choose- Salt or pepper?
  2. Favorite place to eat out
  3. Girly girl, or tomboy?
  4. Are you a saver or spender?
  5. Do you  have any animals/pets?
  6. How do you like your eggs cooked?
  7. Do you floss every time you brush?
  8. What is your favorite thing to do to pass the time?
  9. Windows or Apple?
  10. Would you go sky diving?
  11. If you could go back in time and change ONE thing- What would it be, and why?

Liebster Award!


I’ve been nominated for a Liebster Award!!! Woot! Go ME!
HUGE Thanks to Wanting another wagner for the nom!
For those who do not know....
The Liebster Blog Award is given to bloggers by bloggers. It is for blogs with less than 200 followers. When you receive the award, you post 11 random facts about yourself and answer 11 questions from the person that nominated you! After that, you nominate another 11 blogs, and ask them 11 questions!-
Here are my 11 random facts-  
  1. I used to wear glasses for a light sensitivity disorder
  2. I ALWAYS buy things on clearance- Like, OCD about it- I WILL NOT pay full price...lol
  3. I keep my hair brushes in my freezer in a bag ( dont ask-long story)
  4. My parents were professional musicians while I was growing up- 
  5. I grew up in so California
  6. I have experienced at least 3 BIG earthquakes in my time
  7. I went to cosmetology school
  8. I hate to wash silverware.
  9. I LOVE wearing flip flops and slippers ( depending on the season)
  10. I am a hair product junkie
  11. I put my Xmas tree up a week before Thanksgiving this year....( don't hate me!)

=)

Here are the questions asked by the blogger who nominated me---
1. Where would you rather live, beach or mountains? ---  
Beach for sure!!
2. What is your favorite season and why?--- 
Summer- I love to swim, and lay in the sun- cook outs, and camp fires, fore flies, and thunderstorms- 
3. What qualities do you look for in a best friend?--- 
Honestly, transparency, loyalty, humor, integrity, and confidentiality.
4. Are you a dog or a cat person?  Both
5. If you could travel to any country free of charge right now for 2 weeks, where would you go?--
Australia-! OR Iceland
6. Which family member are you the closest to and why?---
My Mother- She and I have been through hell and back together- 
7. Who is your favorite musician/musical group?---
Tooooo many to narrow down!!! I live and breath All KINDS OF MUSIC!
8. How many times have you been in love?--
I have been in LUST many time, but only really ever LOVED one man- 
9. What’s your favorite movie?---
It's a wonderful life- =)
10. eReader or real book?---
Kindle fire!
11. Come up with your own question and answer it.* Snow or rain?*---
Rain!


Standing on a road I didn't plan....Wondering how I got to where I am...


I know I have posted this one before, but it is worth a re- post....I cannot count the time HE gave me the strength to just keep breathing....


Saturday, November 24, 2012

I am so very Worn....I am crying out with all I have...let me know the struggle ends...

Selah - I Will Carry You With Lyrics

For my ladies facing this LONG hard road- It's Going To Be Alright

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it, but feel you're sinking in too deep
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

I believe you'll outlive this pain in you heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Oh, oh I believe I believe that

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

When some time has past us, and the story if retold
It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soul
Oh, oh, I believe I believe,

I believe
I believe

I did not come here to offer you clichÈ's
I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving- and some ramblings-

It was right about this time, last year, that I really started to realize this TTC thing may take a BIT longer than we anticipated...We had a few losses, but I was still rather hopeful, and had been keeping that "just keep trying, just keep trying" (sang in Dori from 'Nemo' type voice) mind frame firm in my head, not letting the doubt cause me to waiver in my assurance we would have a take home baby SOON.

I remember thinking- "This time next year, I will either have a newborn, or be BURSTING ready to deliver!...I will have name picked out, and know the gender, I will have been shopping for baby stuff and setting up the nursery at the very LEAST". I was so very SURE it would be a different scenario for Thanksgiving of this year...And It should have been...I should have a NEW baby three times over - or be 26+ weeks or 16 weeks- etc etc...I should be enjoying my rainbow...I should be feeling JOY - I should be seeing my new baby grow and grow......-But, I am not- things are FAR from that....

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not going to turn this into a 'poor me' pity party and spend the whole day feeling sorry for myself, because the reality is, I do have a LOT to be thankful for- SOOOOOOOO much!...My family both blood and otherwise, my husband,  my house, our health, our faith, our freedom etc, etc.....And of COURSE the BEAUTIFUL children I already have.....They are the LIGHT of my LIFE

 But even they trigger the hurts to surface now and again- For Instance, yesterday, out of the blue, I over hear them all talking in the other room, ( all 4 of them) about another baby ( they  know I am not preg) and what gender they want, and who it will sit next to in the vehicle, Who will sit next to the High char at the table, and who can get the diapers etc...etc etc...It was so hard-

I almost ran in there and shouted "STOP!, just STOP!"- But they have NO idea why it hurts me, or how hard it is to hear- It was so innocent. Secretly, I wished I could so effortlessly dream about having another baby as well, without the cynicism that comes racing back and quickly slaps me in the face, and then tells me just HOW MANY losses I have faced, and statistically, I am bound to have more....
Instead of interrupting,  I let them carry on, and listened, as my heart ripped out of my chest, and I fought back the tears- Feeling like a failure-....Later that day, I overheard  my 3 year old, randomly  ask Daddy if - "Santa can bring her a baby brother or sister"...To which he replied " If only it were that easy my love"....I cried...I know it is something only those with Kids who want more would understand- Women who are struggling to TTC #1, I understand how silly or ungrateful  it may seem, but for me, it hurts....

 It really hurts too be "here" still, and not even in the throws of a good promising/ well behaving, normal  TTC cycle....Nope, just stuck, in a hellish, stupid cycle of NO ovulation....Waiting....waiting and waiting....

.I imagined things so very different about how this year would be...It was almost as if I was THAT confident about it....Like I was certain there was NO way we could endure this much craziness for this long....Now, it seems like such a HUGE let down to reach the 'holiday's' again,  and have NO sticky baby...Again...It's almost like it makes it more REAL. 

 But, Today- I am going to smile through my tears and heartbreak and disappointments....  Eat tons of turkey, and overload on crap ( but delish tasting) food and decorate my Christmas tree while stuffing my face with chocolate cover cherries, and for the day, put TTC and baby stuff on the back burner...I may not have what I have been dreaming of for 3 years now, and I may never get it again, but I AM thankful for what I have...

Thankful for the many amazing people I have in my life, both near and far, and the amazing people I have met through this long hard journey through recurrent loss...I am thankful for this Blog, because not only has it been therapeutic for me, and I have received encouragement from so many wonderful women, but most of all, Thankful that I have been able to reach out and touch others in the same situation, and make them feel less alone or help them in any way...

I hope today is filled with lots of laughter, and love and fun for all of  my followers- And even if you are dying inside watching that pregnant family member who totally does not know how lucky she is- :cheers!!- shot o vodka:: here is one for you!
=)

Happy Thanksgiving!


Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Private RPL group...

Just wanted to share the Private TTC and dealing with recurrent M/C groups on FB that I started/admin. There are some amazing ladies there, all with various diagnosis's, most no diagnosis, as are most RPL women. You can ask questions, and most of all gain support there, walking through this very hard time, its always nice to have women to relate to.

Click HERE to Join-

Monday, November 19, 2012

GGRRRRRRRRRRR!!

CD 27-
 STILL....NO OVULATION....

That about says it all....

I am frustrated, sad, impatient and realllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyy disappointed that we are STILL dealing with this hellish cycle! I just wanna move on so we can do our new meds, and actually have a shot at a take home baby!!!

Please send me some O/AF vibes! I don't care which one happens, just something!!!!! ANYTHING!!

Friday, November 16, 2012

Somewhere over the rainbow...

Me singing "somewhere over the rainbow"...Hard one for me to do without crying-

LOL...

Yup, that's about all I can do right now is LOL

- I got a possible + OPK this morning so yay for that! But by noon it was neg....My temp did dip, so I think O will be soon thank goodness, then we can get on with this cycle and move on to the next! This has been one heck of a cycle/month.

- Then, to top off this crazy, stupid, silly couple of weeks/last month... I rolled my ankle and sprained it and jacked the tendon up...Ya, NOT fun, and VERY painful...I just finally recovered from the strange neck pain that spazzed my whole body out and caused me to have to eat valium and hydro's and now I am back to eating hydro's for the stupid ankle...UGH! I am so frustrated with things right now!

AND- we are trying to get a new family vehicle, and are waiting for some money to free up to buy one ( and also pay for Braverman testing) And things are LAGGING like crazy! I am not the more patient person in the world, but this whole month has tested me for sure...

Thursday, November 15, 2012

REALLY~!!!!!!!!!!!!??????

UGH-

CD 23- and NO sign of O! This is getting ridiculous!! I just want to move on for crying out loud! I hate waiting to O anyway, but even more so when this cycle is basically a bust, and each day feels like a million years! C mon stupid ovaries, and ovulate already so I can get on it with it!!!

Monday, November 12, 2012

I wont move or quit...I will stand-

‎"Cry if you must, But DON’T MOVE! Having done all to stand, DON’T YOU MOVE till you get your crown because GOD says when I send the crown, I will send the power to the place of your pain! And, until you can deal with your pain, You can’t receive your power. Stop avoiding it, Stop running from it, face it. Your power is in your pain! I came to encourage somebody! Don’t move, don’t jump, don’t quit, STAND RIGHT THERE!!! If you hold on, EVERYTHING God promised you will meet you in the place of your pain. Show me the place of your greatest pain and I’ll show you the place of your greatest promotion. Show me the place that tried you to the breaking point and I’ll show you the place of your prophetic destiny."-T.D.Jakes

Friday, November 9, 2012

ok- well, guess not-


Well, I def did not Ovulate-

Not even sure what is going on! Good news-- My thyroid is back to normal!??  Maybe the dexamethasone I was on back at the start of my cycle threw it all off?  My estrogen should be higher if I am going to ovulate soon?? My LH is rising,- and so is my FSH-? Aahh- Guess this is going to be one of those months....
Here are my labs from this morning-

TSH: 1.17
FSH: 8.16
LH: 7.46
P4: 0.67
E2: 40.36

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Another....

Strange cycle! Ugh! I am getting sick of this dysfunction I am dealing with in my cycles these days!

So as you all know, my CD 3 labs were off, due to this strange bleeding I am having, and even when I repeated the labs on another day- But, my estrogen was still just "too high" ( and my thyroid was off) to cycle with meds- so they canceled me- and told me to call in with the next AF-

So the bleeding continues, and gets worse as the days go by...After all was said and done, with spotting included, I bled for 15 days- 8 of those days were super heavy flow with large clots- then a few medium light days and some spotting before and after- I didn't even bleed that heavy, for that long after giving birth in the past! No one could tell me why I was bleeding this way....

Finally after what seemed like forever dealing with AF- I was down to super mild spotting. DH and I jumped on the chance for some fun together, but not cause we want to TTC, but cause it has just been "that long" since we could do anything, and man O was it much needed. Of course, I "thought" O would be wayyyyyy off- due to the messed up E2 and super long AF- But I woke up to a decent temp rise this morning, and while it could be a fluke my boobs are sore like I just ovulated as well...which is crazy to me!

I did have some EWCM- but that was mixed with HEAVY flow AF- for a few days, so because of the bleeding I did not even mark it as fertile fluid, cause, well, why would you!? Then after it slowed to spotting, I had a little more EWCM like stuff, but nothing I would have considered "my normal" fertile fluid-

I will have to wait to see what the next few days bring, but honestly, this is a bit strange. All of it. The E2 issues, my TSH going all whacked, the bleeding etc...I feel like my body is going to give out on me!!

ETA: I went ahead and called the R and asked for some blood work to see where I am in my cycle, and that way I know what I am dealing with! I go tomorrow morning, with results later in the day!

Here is the chart for your viewing pleasure! ( look at all those pink AF squares!)


Saturday, November 3, 2012

Falling apart...

I feel like everything is falling apart. Pretty much everywhere in my life, things are in chaos, and shambles...

To start with, the whole canceled cycle thing has only gotten worse- My TSH ( thyroid labs) have gotten even worse in a matter of days and no one knows why, I am STILL bleeding now, 12 days total- and it is NOT letting up- I dont bleed this long, ever, even after giving birth!? I don't get it! BUT I guess a little part of me is happy we did not try to cycle anyway, as it is certain this cycle would be a bust, regardless of what we did/do- But still....

So then, yesterday morning, I wake up feeling fine....Within a HOUR of being awake, my neck locks up, and I cant move it a bit- excruciating pain.I toughed it out all day, then finally decided, OK, I need to go get some meds for this, as I was laying on the couch bawling like a baby from the pain...Off to Urgent care we went...

I get there explain the last week or so, in regards to hormones, bleeding, TSH, neck issues. They draw blood, and get the ball rolling. Blood count came back find and iron ok, but probably need a little supps. So he said to follow up with OB/RE about bleeding Monday, as long as it does not get worse Other wise, I need to go to the ER asap. Ok I can deal with that-

Then, the nurse comes in to get vitals again, and goes over my meds- what I am taking etc...I am running through some of the meds I have been on/ am only on when I am cycling etc-After all that was done, the conversation went something like:

"Are you trying for a boy or girl or something?"  I said " Um, that is  kind of a personal question"- she went on to say- " Oh, sorry,  I was wondering why you would do that if you already have 3 kids, you couldn't pay me to put myself through the fertility treatments if I already had kids, Id just be happy with what I have" (insert judgy, snotty attitude)
- My jaw dropped...I said -- "well I have had 15+ losses,I am not doing the meds  because I cant get pregnant it is cause I keep losing them from immune issues"- I still kept my composure and let it go...She left, DR came in, and we chatted more about his thoughts on my neck pain, and  said he was going to send me for a X ray, and see what happens, other wise I would be going to hospital for spinal tap ( to rule out meningitis - I begged NOT to have that happen, as I have NO other symptoms-

So the  X ray tech came in to get me, and took me back- and was being snappy and strange from the get go- Then, while trying to make small talk, she was like Oh how many kids do you have- and I said 4- etc..." she says " Oh wow and you want another?" and I said, " that is a bit personal", in a snappy way, and she was like " well I was just trying to make conversation" as she grabs my neck and tries to manually turn it when I told her I cont move it!! I freaked out- finally caught a lab tech/nurse I know ( most of the staff on last night I did not know) and she got the director of the facility down to talk to me...I cried and cried- and explained how terrible those things were they said etc- and also expressed my  frustration with the lab issues from  last week when they lost my labs, did not run them in time ( they were STAT) etc, not once, but TWICE, and it has happened in the past SEVERAL times) which they were aware of and had been fixing (they ordered a NEW E2 machine JUST for me, so they would not have to send my labs out anymore...lol she said she calls it the (insert my real name) special! LOL....She said to me ( the director) " you are like family here, we want to make sure this is taken care of and I am going to deal with those women tonight" -To which I heard them being chewed out.....LOL...

 I know I have been at this too long when the lab/facility staff and the facility managers know me personally and order 10,000 dollar machines to appease me...LOL!!...Ah what have I become??! BUT then I think about the testimony of GOD that will come when we have that baby to all those people who have watched me endure this madness!!! One might wonder WHY I keep going back...Well, simply put, LOCATION. it is 5 mins from my house, VS 25 mins to the RE, and I don't have to pay a co pay when I go to my lab, everything is covered 100%, but when I go to my RE labs I pay 50 bucks a pop, so I endure the crap for convenience.

OK-So then, X ray's come back, And they said my neck is so spazzed out, they could see the muscle contortion in the X ray even!! They finally discharge me, and send me off with lortabs and valium. ( flying HIGH now...LOL) And told me to rest. That's what I am doing- rest, rest, resting. Still in a considerable amount of pain, despite the fun meds...They also repeated my TSH again, cause he saw my previous labs from the RE in the computers, and was also shocked and worried about the spikes ( TSH went fro. 1.24 to 4.09- then, to  8.20 just 3 days after the 4.09 result!!!)- so I will get a call today on those levels, and also need to get in to see the regular endo to figure out whats up....My body is like falling apart!! ahhhhh!!!


SO then, to touch on the other drama...It is never ending...Family drama,( another novel post)  church drama,( it would take me hours to write up on that one too) money issues, car issues,( I hate cars!) I mean seriously, my stress level is like a 15 on a scale of 1-10....No wonder my neck locked up so tight, I am a ball of stress compacted into a ready to explode bomb....

Now more than ever, I am thinking this may not have been the best time to cycle anyway, so maybe God knows what he is doing...Cause this would have been a heck of a time to try and focus on timing BD, OPK's etc...I honestly am not "feeling it", and am feeling very defeated...::sigh:::
One step at a time-