Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Graduation day

O9 weeks and 4 days... I had my final scan with the RE... 

Both babies are measuring perfect with heartbeats at 188. They were moving and kicking around in there!! It was awesome!! 

From here on out- I'm to see the OB... I got all my records etc ... Next appt is Jan 11th- then NT scan Jan 18th!! 

I'm so blessed and thankful to be here!!!

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Wow...we have made it to 9 weeks!

I'm so thankful to be here... 9 weeks today... 

When I wrote my last entry it felt like I would never get "here"... It feels rather surreal. 

I found both babies heartbeats on the Doppler this morning. Baby B is much higher and to the left and baby A is tucked down to the right under my pubic bone. It's so wonderful to be able to wake up and hear them - πŸ’— 

I gotuesdsy for my last scan for the RE's -then I won't see the little ones again till the NT scan-with MFM - can't wait for that! They will look so Cute!!! More like babies and not beans. 

I'm feeling... Good- no real symptoms other than some fatigue, mood swings and hunger. I am def expanding in the midsection though. 

I am so thankful for this opportunity - without the gift of embryo donation/adoption I wouldn't be here ...

I am so in love with these snowflake babies πŸ’™πŸ’š

Saturday, December 12, 2015

The anxiety... I almost forgot how hard this was...


When we lost Hannah in 2008, I barely had enough time to grieve before we were pregnant again with Kaitlyn my youngest... I  remember being so excited at first... Then, BAM.... Anxiety... It was overwhelming and debilitating. The surge of bittersweet emotions was too much to articulate... I barely survived. I remember the relief after her birth... It was immense... And almost instantly I had forgotten about the anxiety...

Over the last five years I've been so consumed with just getting to the point of even having a positive pregnancy test, seeing a heart beat, or at the very least just having good betas, that I forgot how hard it is week to week after that... The panic and worry from appointment to appointment ... You forget how hard it is to survive...  Then you feel guilty because you should be enjoying every second of this, after all the begging, pleading, and crying you did praying to just get  "here"... 

I find myself barely existing again... Forcing myself to try and accept that this is different some how... Trying to put on the brave face for everyone else... Faking a smile and telling everyone I feel great, so I don't have to tell them how incredibly scared I am... 

I remember the day of transfer, telling myself it would be different this time... That I wouldn't allow myself to feel this way... How incredibly naΓ―ve... Like I had any control over this at all?! It's not like I haven't been through this before... And yet somehow I was able to convince myself I wouldn't struggle as much this time... Of course things are definitely different with twins ...More risks... More possibilities... 

At this point I'm just counting down the moments to each appointment and trying to breathe... 

And don't get me wrong I am so incredibly blessed to even be feeling this way... I remember the intense heart ache, when I would give anything to have this kind of anxiety, because at least there would be a little bit of hope... But it's hard... And overwhelming... And crippling ... And very very hard to explain to those who don't understand...

3 more days until the next scan... 

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Overjoyed!!

We had another scan today. The doctors schedule had changed so they moved my ultrasound up ...

I was so nervous... This was kind of a "big" one considering we hoped to see heartbeats... 

And ... We did!!! Two heartbeats!!! Babies are measuring great!!! Omg! We are having twins!!!! 


Friday, December 4, 2015

One more step closer...

I finally made it past the furthest I have been in the last five years... Today is 5w6d!! 

It's kind of surreal actually.... So many emotions and anxieties... I really can't properly articulate it right now...

We had an early scan yesterday at 5w5d... It actually went good!!! 

In the past when I even made it to ultrasound I always measured a week behind... Or it was tubal etc... 

I'm pleased to say things are measuring. Good!!! And.... There's two!!!


I go back next Thursday for a repeat and hopefully there are heart beats for both!! :)