Wednesday, March 28, 2012

feeling down...

Having a hard time picking myself up from this whole ordeal...

Last few days have been really hard. I ended up in the ER with severe pain and cramps, and excessive bleeding, which they said could be normal. I begged to go home, and  was set to follow up with my RE the next day, but they blew me off, and basically said, we can't help you go back to the ER if you need to...great, just great. way to make me feel like you care that I have had 8 losses in a year and can give me NO answers! I also cannot do the saline u/s till after my NEXT period...not that it will even make a difference...since I am pretty sure my issues lye elsewhere...Let me explain...

So I decided to revisit the immune testing I have looked into a few different times...I was so sure it was not my "issue" because I have had healthy children before with no problems. But the more I read the more I am convinced this is something I need to get addressed. So I contacted the BEST of the BEST in the area of medicine, Dr. Braverman. He is the top dog in this field, and knows what he is talking about, and has awesome success rates. I e mailed him, and he got back to me immediately, and even called me personally to go over some more info, and advised me to fill out the questionnaire online, which I did. Then called back to let me know he is almost 100% positive my issues are immune related, due to family history, and some of the symptoms I get around implantation time etc. he also said that having healthy children previously does not mean a thing...and that it can onset at anytime Also because my father had adult onset type one diabetes, triggered by a auto immune problem, that it could be hereditary, then factor in my mother's 10+ M/c's and I have a double whammy of things that could be immune related ... It all just makes sense...He also said that it was most likely the reason we lost our Hannah as well since  she was Chromosomally  fine and there was no issues with the placenta or clotting. It felt great to hear that someone might have some answers for me...
The catch?
......Money....It all costs money I do not have...
It will cost about a grand just for the initial consult and  follow up to go over tests and  a plan for a protocol. Then they work hand in hand with the RE I have already been seeing and I manage my cycles there, while Braverman sends over RX's etc...All feasible had we had the money to do it...Most of the rest is covered by insurance but the consults are not, because he does them over the phone, instead of going to long island in person ( he helps people from all around the WORLD, not just the USA, which is why the phone consults are so neat). I have contacted some of the ladies I know on my online support groups to ask about their experiences with Braverman, and every one of them loved him...and are now  very much pregnant...all great news...BUT, I am just crushed...
I will have to wait an entire year till next tax season before we can even revisit this.....How can I come THIS close to answers, but then not be able to do anything about it....It's just not fair...I should not have had to endure this for so long...why can't God just heal me like I have been begging for, for months...why does this have to happen to ME??
It's almost too much to take in, and too saddening to think about....

I may be MIA for a few days, I cannot even think about trying again right now...I am just totally devastated... and  afraid to try again without this testing or help, because i cannot bare another loss...I just can't!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Standing on the Word...

So this month, I have decided to "not try" and give my body a rest, and do a cleanse, lose some weight and spend some time really trying to heal from all of this...I never Imagined I would be going though yet another loss...And still here a year later with NO baby, and broken hearted ..

But, rather than get angry at God, who I know did not "take my babies" or cause this to happen to "get a message to me"...No, instead, I will stand on the word, and claim HIS promises over my life...Even though some days I don't FEEL it, I am going to do it anyway...I will speak these out of my out each day, and tell the enemy to take a hike and get out of my head. The power of life and death is in the tongue, and while I know this principal is true, I have not really, truly been walking in it. I also did it half heartedly, with a "wishful thinking" kind of attitude behind it. Not this time...I know that his word never comes back Void, and I know that I will over come...That I have the authority to call things to be.

The Word says in Psalms 127:3, 
“Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord and the fruit of the womb is his reward.” 

Psalms 84:11 says,
 “…no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.” 

Also, Psalms 113:9 says, “He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children….” 

Exodus 23:26 in The Amplified Bible states, “None shall lose her young by miscarriage or be barren in your land….” 

Yes, this is what the word of the Lord says, and I will stand on it, and claim it, and speak it out every day, regardless of how I feel...

I did this when I was pregnant with my darling daughter, every day...and she is here safe and sound...
One would think after knowing this all, I would just be  doing it automatically...But I had to go my own way, and try and control things in my own strength, and it has left me empty and totally wiped out...I am going to rely on God to give me strength ...and take it day by day, speaking out the Word of the Lord...One day at a time...One moment at a time...


Sunday, March 25, 2012

I Will Stand By You...A song that has comforted me today....

Hard day...

I started bleeding today...It makes things feel so final...

I went to church, and just poured out my heart...I told God, that despite the circumstances, I would praise him, and give him my love. It was hard...In the midst of so much grief...I was bought back to each and every moment in the last year...back to each loss. with every one, the pain seems to grow even deeper and deeper...I know God has brought us to this place, and led us to have another baby, so I frustrates me to no end to wonder WHY I have to keep enduring this...WHY  does this keep happening...Why Me? I have said and done all the "right things". I have spoken scriptures and spoken LIFE over myself each day I was pregnant...I forced myself to HOPE and stay positive...fasted, prayed...re evaluated...and yet, I am still here, and cannot come to grips with "giving up" because I KNOW we were called to have another child...

I sat there this morning, trying not to be angry, trying to wrap my heard around this happening again....when a BRAND new baby comes through the doors...talk about adding insult to injury...I could feel my chest tighten like it just might explode...My heart breaking all over again. Then, bitterness... That should be ME...I should be holding my baby not grieving a 8th loss in a year...After all we have been though, why ME!?? why do I keep having to endure this...I know God has a plan, and I do not believe for ONE second that he made this happen, but I just keep asking...why can't I have my miracle yet? what am I doing wrong? I have been pouring my heart and soul believing for a miracle, and here I am again, empty inside and broken...

I know better days are ahead...God help me....


Saturday, March 24, 2012

It's over....

They called me with yesterday's labs...my levels dropped, we are losing the baby....I am so heart broken....I was so hopeful after yesterday's u/s showing a sac...this is just crazy...and NO answers...
I go in for a saline u/s after I am done bleeding...I know God will bless us again... for now...I wait, and pray....One day at a time...

Friday, March 23, 2012

Ultrasound!

Well, the good news is, the sac is in the uterus!!! I saw it even! woo hoooo!!! It was measuring small, but considering this one was a late implant-er, and got off to a slower start I kind of expected it. Not to mention I am only 5w4d!

The Nurse called, and said that they also see a sac, and not to worry about it being behind, because the sac measurement is not accurate for determining how far along you are this early on,  and it can vary from machine to machine...So, more waiting. repeat u/s next Friday and a beta later today just to be sure the levels are rising!

I feel at peace with it all...
Just taking it a moment at a time!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

BETA!!!!!

Up from 237 on Sunday to 704 today!!!
Doubling time of  45 hours!!!
Ultrasound on Friday!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, March 19, 2012

yay!!!

Of course I know this means nothing really, but it is NICE to see!!!
The test line is darker than the control! LOL


Beta numbers in!!

Up from 96 to 237
progesterone was 24
so still rising and looking stable, but I am terrified...this is around the time they just started dropping before, so I am just scared...I go for one more beta wed, and a u/s next Monday...
Deep breaths and a LOT of prayer is the only thing that will get me through this...

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Almost!!

As dark as the control line!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!! One day at a time...Today I am PREGNANT!!!

Friday, March 16, 2012

Still hanging in there...

Beta went up!!
 from 44 to 96
a bit concerned about the lower doubling time (44 hour doubling time vs the 29 hour doubling time from last draw)
BUT, today I am pregnant, and thankful!!!!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

wondfo progression!

These are from the last couple days. Top on is from the day before yesterday, and middle is yesterday, bottom is today. all done with 3rd morning urine, and a hour hold!
 Def getting darker....Of course, I had great betas before and wonderful P4 and still lost the bean, so I know nothing is guaranteed, but I am hoping and praying!!!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

They doubled!!!!!!!!!!

HCG went form 14 to 44!!and progesterone from 13 to 23!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are getting darker!!!

I went for my beta this morning, should hear back this afternoon.... Taking it a moment at a time...
 BUT I have to say I am kind of stoked to see the tests getting darker~!!!
=)

Monday, March 12, 2012

Beta

My beta today on 14 dpo...

HCG 14
P4- 13
E2- 199

Trying reallllly hard to stay positive... speaking out health and protection over our baby...But my mind wanders...and knows the chances of this being sticky with numbers like that is slim...But I do serve a BIG god, so i am not giving up just yet...

This song spoke to me so deep....Just LOVE it!!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

One year ago today....

I was  down in Chapel Hill NC, and  was recovering from my reversal. Everything went perfectly fine, and I was feeling so good and over whelmed at being on the "other side" of it all...I was so Nieve....I fully though it would take 3 months max, and we would be holding a baby 9 months later...That has obviously not been the case. However, I have been made stronger, and wiser, and have met some amazing people along the way...

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring with this pregnancy, but today, I am pregnant... and I am thankful....

Friday, March 9, 2012

Still Pregnant!!

That is a step!! And my tests got darker today for sure!! I am just praying...and hoping...and praying some more!!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

They are getting darker!!!

After a few days of super faint almost non existent line, They finally got darker this afternoon!! I am over the moon! I am praying this one sticks!! For anyone who prays, please keep me and the bean lifted up...I want my take home baby!!!

Leaving it to him...

I have decided that is all I can do, is give it to God. .My lines came back again this morning, still faint, but there...I am Hoping maybe I caught the  implant surge, then it faded and is on it's way back, nice and strong...Got a temp rise too this morning! I know there is nothing I can do to control the outcome of this, or any other future pregnancies, but I can try to control  my thinking, and emotions...I can remain level headed and not stuck in self defeat...I have enough odds against me, I need to be positive for ME too...My heart does ache at the thought of not having another baby, or losing another one...BUT I know the road has made me into who I am today, and my rainbow after the storm will come.....

Monday, March 5, 2012

Ok, here we go again....

So this morning, I decided to test, fully expecting to see a BFN...In fact, I was not even going to test, due to my temp drop this morning...But DH asked me why I was so weepy, and emotional the last two days, and said "I bet you are pregnant"...It got me thinking...
So I tested this morning after  all night ...and what do you know....
I get this!? what on earth!?? I am only 7 dpo!? this is NOT real... so I took another after , same thing...Hoping they get darker. I will test again tomorrow morning!
The pic is slightly "tweaked" to show the line, due to my dim lighting in the bathroom at 5 am! LOL

Sunday, March 4, 2012

6dpo

and dying to test!!
Chart is looking good...and very similar to last month!

Hannah"s story...


I guess you could say, this is where my journey really began leading up to today...
It was because of this event, that I chose to ties my tubes, that gave me Post tubal issues, that sent me searching for a reversal, that landed me here, now 1 year later, and 7 losses later..

*******************************************************************************
April 28th 2008……
So I started out my day like any other.. though I was  having some emotional issues with it being the 4 year anniversary of my father’s passing.  I tried to peel my eyes open and get the kids up and ready from school, sipping on a cup of coffee trying to revive after a  glass of wine the night before that had too many sulfites in it and have me the YUCK feeling…ugh.. usually I don’t get a bottle like that.. but… maybe that’s not all it was..??
My mom called me later on that AM to tell me my brother and his  girl were having another little baby, and I was sooo excited!!!  Talking to my mom  jokingly I said “  better her than me!!”  my mom knew I was joking.. cause we were sort of  preventing. We had a lot on our minds... there was a possibility of moving to a different state with my husbands company, and issues with my Hubby's ex etc.   So later that that I get a  appt reminder call , and im writing a date on the calendar to confirm... And I see the date …It hit me! Even though I knew it was the 28th I didn’t really KNOW it was the 28th...which meant I was a little "late"…hmmmmmm I thought to myself. “ gosh I hope I don’t eat my words!!! And end up preg!” I pondered it all day… and kept saying to my self  “ we were so careful… there is NO way!!”… but none the less I called  darling husband of mine to tell him..to make a stop to “CVS” for that that I needed.... you know… one of those things… he was like “ really???? You think???” I said "no not really but I wanna make sure"…

so he came home that night with a CVS brand 3 pack..(smart man… he knew id test more than once and have him back out for another if he didn’t get a 3 pack..LOL) After dinner I  decided to pee on a stick.. I walked away for 3 mins.. so I didn’t just stare and make believe I saw a line there after 30 seconds..lol…and I came back to a test…. A test with… 2 lines!!!!!!????????? No frikkin way!!!!!!!!! This cant be happening… we both were shocked… then came…. The thinking time… we both just thought and thought… of all the possibilities… was it a girl… a boy??? Oh man…. What now…

we started to get excited.. and I had my Dr’s appt… and got an ultrasound.. and things were good.. Though I had a nagging feeling that I was going to start bleeding any day.. and  it would be over… but the first trimester passed and little  baby girl kept hanging on in there.. I also had a few more ultrasounds and all was perfect…and I was getting a belly!!! I got to feel her move and see her grow..

I was on my Baby center boards.. I was due January 4th… interestingly enough, that was also my fathers birthday. I found out  on the 4 year anniversary of his death. Odd…. And  even stranger, I kept on with the same due date with each ultrasound I would get… hmmm……we were counting down days till the BIG ultrasound when we would find out if we were having a boy or girl.. though I KNEW it was a girl and had a u/s prior that indicated she was a girl at 15 weeks and again at 18.3 weeks, just a few days before she passed, all was normal!.... I had a feeling and I was right each time with my other kids also…I  had many dreams…I was soo excited… Though I still had this fear. This fear my dream of having this little one was going to go away…  I dreaded the 12 week scan for nural tube defects.. but all came back fine! (yay!) still I had this fear.. I even got prayer for it.. . several times....it was over taking me . But week by week I began to get happier and happier and the anxiety faded some.. still was there but had faded…and I got bigger and bigger! I could feel her moving even more!! It was  just awesome...


August 5th 2008
The big day….. it was our ultrasound day… jared had taken the day off and auntie was  gonna take the kids to the park while we went in the office...we get in there, wait a few mins, and hurry back to the room...  I quickly  pull down my pants and get prepped for the u/s… as I take the last swig of my OJ.. I was trying to wake up my little one I hadn’t felt her move a lot.. and I didn’t want the legs crossed!  The tech slathers on some gel and begins to scan... I was watching the screen… She started clicking and taking measurements.. and I asked jared if he could se ok.. he said yes.. and we both looked… and then as soon as I could see anything viseable.. she looks at me and grabs my hand…. And says… im sorry… your baby has passed on.. I cannot find a heart beat…. ( what!!!!!!!!????????? Are you kidding me?????? Is this some sick joke!???? A dream????????? No way!!!!!!!!) she said she would go get a dr to confirm…. And  there is was plain as day.. a 4 chamber heart.. perfect in every way… but not beating.. not moving… no blood flow nothing…. The baby had passed on…. I was in shock I couldn’t even cry… I could not believe it was real.. that this was MY life!!??? It wasn’t possible! But it was… and I cried…. Jared and I prayed right there in the room.. and told God not matter what the outcome.. we would STILL PRAISE HIM…. And we tried to pull ourselves together and walk out after being given our options as to what to do next… nothing was an option though… having my baby die was not an option…  laboring….. surgery?? Those were my options!!!!? I  just wanted my baby back and  living and moving inside my belly… and I knew.. it wasn’t going to happen… Not that I didn’t  trust god could do a miracle.. cause im living proof he can. But I knew.. it was not  right… and there must have been a problem with my little angel… and I had to walk out of that building with a dead baby inside of me… the hardest thing I ever had to do… and I had to face everyone who  was waiting for a call to confirm it was a baby girl!!  I had to tell them I was a dead baby… we were having a dead baby…????......

 I cried a lot… but  mostly just had anxiety.. what should I do??? How should I do this… I opted for surgery ….I couldn’t bare to see my little angel  come out of me.. and associate that with the beautiful births of my other two children…or future children... I just couldn’t do it at that time.… so I was put in the book for the next day at 12 PM….

That night I had the hardest time sleeping… Holding my belly with my dead baby in me.. and knowing this would be the last time I would be able to “hold” my angel…
I woke up the next day in a daze and quickly popped a xanex… so I could even make it to get ready without breaking down and being a totally wreck… Not that it would have been terrible if I did… I just knew I would make it worse than it already was… we went into that hospital and I checked in… I cried all the way while walking down the hall to get in my gown.. and to get  admitted. The girl in front of me not knowing why, or what was wrong… But knew something was wrong…  I just cried… not talking… I just nodded my head stuck on my gown and tried to breathe. …. I got a headache from holding in the tears…AND finally jared was able to come back while I waited… I was contracting… and I was going back in forth in my head… labor…OR surgery?? Oh man… what was I gonna do.. but I already opted for sugury…. I  could back out… but I cant…. I know I cant… but I felt the pain of the contractions… and it was like a piece of me was being ripped out  each time… and I was scared…I could not see my baby girl...I just could not do it...I wanted to keep the image of her in my mind of what she would have been like alive and well, not  the image of my dead baby...they shot me up with some morphine… and then the Dr’s came in…. put a blue headcap on me and wheeled me away…. I tried to breathe but couldn’t… they  gave me some oxygen on the table after I moved over.. I was so uptight my heart rate went down…. And… then…. Lights out… I was down under… and it would all be over in 20 mins….

I woke up… in a daze.. But hurting from the breathing tube they had stuck in me and removed before I awoke….. I asked for pain meds… and then the Dr came over… she said it all went well.. And that the nurse on hand was able to get me footprints ! They were so precious..
(I asked before and they said they couldn’t do that… ) I WAS SO HAPPY.. BUT YET SAD TOO… and she said she was going to go tell my husband  I was ok and let him know I was out… I sat there for a bit… I reached down and moved my IV tubes and felt my belly… it was gone… I had no belly, no baby… nothing but pain… in every way possible.. Pain… I tried to sleep it off.. Maybe I would wake up and it would all be over.. But it wouldn’t... and I woke… and there was the nurses.. With their sad faces…  awkward  and confused… what would they say… what do you do for someone in a situation like that..  They deal with trauma all the time.. Yet.. It was different….. What do you say?? Nothing makes it ok. now... here i am... ONE of those ladies… a lady who has lost a baby…. Not just a baby that was the size of a sesame seed. not that it makes it any easier to loose a child at any stage.. But a baby I felt kicking in me… growing inside of my body… and it was gone…

I got myself set with pain  meds.. And they started my discharge crap… and I was on my way out the door. But I would not be walking out of there the same person who walked in just 5 hours before…I would forever be changed. I steadied myself and sat in the wheel chair… they were gonna wheel me out like they did after I had my darling son a little over two years ago… though I had no baby… nothing to show for but a broken heart. I got to the front doors… and  I had this terrible feeling come over me… I looked down at the papers… the papers that had my little girls foot prints on them… soooo tiny… but perfect in every way… each little  toe… with  the smallest detail.. Right in the perfect place… and I knew… and felt it… it was over… and I just couldn’t believe this was my life… now I have had a lot happen in my time… and a lot of heartache and issues… but this was  hard… really hard… MY baby…. OUR child had passed on.. And yet I knew she was in a better place.. It was still so hard.. I wanted her with me.. In my belly growing and kicking.  The next few days were like a daze…but with each passing day it got easier and easier.. I found comfort in little things… having my husband home… having a church family there for us.. That brought us meals and just prayed for us like there was no tomorrow… for that I am sooo greatful I have never felt more loved. Even though there was nothing anyone could say… just BEING there made it  a little better… and I had peace.. I was not mad at God… after all I knew God was  sad over my pain.. And didn’t want me to feel that way.. But HE new what was best.. What if that baby had lived to term,.. And had a severe mental retardation??? I could not  live with that… I would be heart broken everyday that I couldn’t “fix” it… and make it all  better.. There were so many what if’s… but at the end of the day I knew… that we live in a fallen world.. And bad things happen to GOOD people… because  our world is corupt.. And the foods we eat are toxic and the air we breathe is bad for us… ect ect… sometimes things just happen… it wasn’t God’s will… it wasn’t  this or that… I just happened.. And I could live with that.. Just because I KNEW my baby girl was in the arms of our father.. And dancing around with my grandma and my father and everyone else I know is up there…
I also… KNOW that I will overcome this hurt.. And each day I know… that the hurt I had  is turning into happy memories.. At least I had the chance to have her in my belly as long as I did.. And I got to give her life.. And God got to give her a spirit…. A spirit that lives on to this day and is in a better place and ill get to meet my wonderful baby one day… and untill then I know she knows how much I LOVE her… and that even though she is not alive to impact my life  each day… she has forever made an imprint on my heart.. And I will carry it with my always… I hope to with my experience help others too… if I can give just ONE person that much needed comfort of “I KNOW what its like” and can really know  what its like…I will be satisfied.. After all.. My story.. And my life is an open book… it would be worth nothing if I was closed up and  never let anyone in… thought my hurt and pain is still there.. I am ok with being vunerable and open…and let my life and hurt, and happiness and pain, and joy make in impact on someone else.. I will  probably blog on this again at one point in time or another… as there is so much to tell.. And to say about all that has occoured since  the loss of our baby… but for now.. I am going to leave it at this…
I will always LOVE you my baby….you are forever in mommy and daddy’s hearts….. We miss you..

Friday, March 2, 2012

Having a strange week...


Having kind of a hard day...This is non TTC , just a heads up...

DH and I have decided to leave our church home of 9 years....after a LOT of prayer, and confirmation, and revelation, we made the choice to go...There were many reasons for it, but a lot of it was politics in the church, sermons being more opinionated instead of scriptural, and  a lack of belief in most of the new covenant stuff...All of which started to really go against the things God was doing in us... The meetings with the pastors went OK, but a lot of un healty stuff was said, to us....As much as I hate to admit it, I am hurt, and a bit sad...It feels so surreal....We are heading to an amazing body, one where many of the attendee's are people that previously went to our church, but left for the same reasons I listed and  then  some... It is going to be good, but very hard for a while...I stepped down from leading music after 7 years, DH was a youth leader etc......anyway...I am doing ok, and it is def taking the focus of TTC...I just can't wait to get on the other side of all of this. It has been a REALLY long 9 months dealing with all the emotions surrounding this...and waiting for the right time. then  add in our losses, and everything else...I am ready for a nice rest...rest from it all...

On the TTC side of it all...Things are going well, nothing new. 4 dpo today, and chart is still tracking like last cycle. I am overly emotional, and really irritable! LOL...here we go!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

crosshairs!

Yay!! woke up to cross hairs! Gotta love that!!

It is looking similar to last month, not sure If I find that comforting or not. But at least I know I O'ed and had a nice sized eggy in there, and everything else was in good working order. I was a bit nervous that after coming off 5 medicated cycles my O would be a little off, but it seems to have worked out great! NOW I am just praying this is our take home baby month! How cool would it be to snag a sticky BFP on a natural cycle!?
=)