Friday, May 31, 2013

Woke up to...

......Spotting/bleeding and side pain this morning, even despite having  a darker test...Those, combined with low betas for the DPO and super low progesterone...I already know what that means...Another damn ectopic....I mean really!? I have to have one more beta to confirm with a P4 on sat- But with the bleeding and  my history of the two previous ectopics which presented much like this one, it looks like I am in for another round of methotrexate...Ugh...I am so tired and worn from all of this...Just when I don't think I can take much more, Life throws another pile of crap my way...

Oh and I got a "nice email" from Braverman's office informing me I will no longer receive care from them unless I pay a 2000 first trimester monitoring fee....For a pregnancy that isnt even viable!!??? I shot back a semi peeved mail about it, and then Judy ( the financial lady) CALLED me to tell me they are pulling all my RX's and wont read my lab work!!?? Braverman didnt even have an apology for forcing me into this God forsaken cycle- and then asking me to pay 2000 bucks to manage something that was not even viable!? Oh and, I was never given a RX to check my CBC after being on Neupogen, and never geiven instructions on weaning off the 40 mgs of prednisone, and had I not been privy to the fact that you NEED to wean down, I could damage my body severely by stopping abruptly...I mean, Are you kidding me!? This is just not safe! Come to find out a few of the other ladies on the boards have had verrryyy similar instances take place as well... I was floored yesterday, and I am still pissed today...I am trying not to let the emotions of this cycle being failed cloud my perspective...I don't want to just stand here and blast him/the office, because I am ever so thankful to have a DX and to know why we have had the losses we have and what not...However, preying off of people like this is NOT ok, and I am really sick about it....My local RE will finish monitoring me and follow this pregnancy to baseline, luckily...But, I will have more to say about this Braverman issues in a future blog post....For now, I need some IB profen and some coffee...Maybe a little vodka in it? hahahah j/k...

Thursday, May 30, 2013

follow up beta

Today's follow up beta was interesting- HCG went up to 22?...Progesterone is still low...at 2.91- was 5 the other day....They want me to repeat again sat and up my progesterone dose...I guess they are being optimistic...I know better...This is def not good...beta of only 22 on 17 dpo  with low progesterone...After having days of positive tests...I have been through this same song and dance and both times it ended with shots of methotrexate, so I am reallllyyyyy praying things just take care of themselves before the week is over....If I have to stand in Church sunday next to the lady who just had a baby the same time I should have had my May angel baby, and still be in this limbo with a semi dead baby, possibly lodged in my tube, I am gonna lose it...

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

when the tears fall

I've had questions without answers 
I've known sorrow, I have known pain 
But there's one thing that I cling to 
You are faithful, Jesus You're true 

When hope is lost 
I call You Saviour 
When pain surrounds 
I call You Healer 
When silence falls 
You'll be the song within my heart 

In the lone hour of my sorrow 
Through the darkest night of my soul 
You surround me, You sustain me 
My defender for ever more 

When hope is lost 
I call You Saviour 
When pain surrounds 
I call You Healer 
When silence falls 
You'll be the song within my heart 

And I will praise You 
I will Praise You 
When the tears fall 
Still I will sing to You 
I will praise You 
Jesus praise You 
Through the suffering 
Still I will sing to You 

When hope is lost 
I call You Saviour 
When pain surrounds 
I call You Healer 
When silence falls 
You'll be the song within my heart 


When the laughter fails to comfort 
When my heart aches, Lord You'll be there 
When confusion is all around me 
And the darkness is my closest friend 

Still I'll praise You 
Jesus praise You



And just like that...

My hopes are crushed...

HCG was 8.... Dr. B said that it does not look viable at this point- I repeat my quant on thursday just to be sure- crushed.

Beta hell....

...........Has officially started- Got my lab req for my Quant Beta and P4...I go in at around 1 pm for a draw- Hopefully I will get results by the time the office closes....I reallllyyyyy HATE this part...The waiting, and wondering if it will double or is high enough etc...I want to say that today, I am just enjoying being pregnant, but I will be honest...Really, I am just scared as heck, and want to fast forward past the next few weeks...
=/

Monday, May 27, 2013

OK....Now...

I can get excited!!!! I am pregnant!!!!!!!!!


I have NO idea how this is going to turn out, but I am praying with all I have this is our take home baby!!!! I am taking it one day at a time, and I am going to enjoy each moment. This life is a gift, and I am so very thankful!!!!!!

Here is a peek at the BFP chart!
=)

Beta's start tomorrow!!!!!!


Sunday, May 26, 2013

just a smidge-

tests today are a smidge darker- if things keep progressing, I will go in for a beta tuesday!!!

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Let's Hope

welp lines are still there! still really light though...I don't know if the prednisone made me retain water or what, but I have not even drank much and my urine is like wayyyyy clear- and I cant hold more than 2 hours without feeling like I might bust- so thats why I am probably not seeing much progression this morning...Hopefully later today will be better...

Update******

Looks like things are still going ok...Not quite as dark as I would like to see, BUT, still there!! 

Friday, May 24, 2013

:)

They are faint- but a smidge darker this morning! I realllllyyyy HOPE and pray this is IT!



Thursday, May 23, 2013

OK...

Lines are def coming back now...I am feeling pretty good about it- staying as positive as I can considering my history...I know you are all dying for pics etc- but I am beat and am too tired to make this post any longer- I will post an update tomorrow! 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Bummer

Tests today were BFN, both FRER and wondfo with FMU...Musta just been the trigger screwing with me yesterday...

I know it is still early, but I just feel soooo "out" already. I don't have any of my usual pregnancy symptoms I get with my other losses...Which is so strange considering my progesterone was so high even on 7 dpo....I guess we will have to see what the next couple days brings...

Sunday, May 19, 2013

8DPTrig-

Today is 8 days past trigger- and 6/7 dpo. Feeling suuuuuuuuper TIRED! That could be due to being awake every 2 hours with the puppy, and the combo of massive amounts of progesterone..lol...

Tests today still have a faint line...I went looking through my book and all my other trigger cycles, my wondfo was like non existent on 8 days past- even when tweaked- This could be a better batch of tests though, so that could be the difference...Regardless, here is a snap shot of the regression//hopeful progression.
Here is my chart- Temps really high and pretty stable- 
Here is the link to my home page, in case anyone wants to stalk my stats after the fact


All in all, I am feeling pretty positive still....Having my new furbaby here to love on has distracted me a great deal! I am very grateful to have here here with us...She literally is PERFECT...
Here is a little pic of her sleeping! lol
=)
Only two accidents in the house yesterday, and it was right after we got home, and she was still figuring out everything...Today, when she has to go, she sits tight at the back door, and waits, and I take her out, she goes every time!! Oh, and when I "baby talk" to her, she talks/barks back, and turns to a BIG mushy ball of love...LOL...=)

Other than that- Nothing really going on...Just trying to pass the time...I am starting to get the itch to pee on a stick every time I walk in the bathroom...Trying to hold off on the madness for another day or so...LOL...we will see how I do...
=x

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Friday, May 17, 2013

random updates- furbaby - trigger pics-

This post is going to be kind of "all over the place".  I am in a strange kind of mood where I cannot focus very well. I think the prednisone is kind of giving me a attitude-
Anyway, 6 days past trigger today, and 4 dpo, with O date being May 13th- per FF. I was going to manually override for O on the 12th, but honestly, I don't care...it was somewhere in the middle of the two of those days- LOL

Feeling pretty good the last couple days- VERY crampy/pinchy around the ovaries etc- but all in all good- DH might disagree- He says I have been "testy" and "snippy"- ehh- maybe? ;)

In other news....

We are adopting a puppy!!! After looking for the last 6 weeks- We finally found the one we want, and we go to pick her up tomorrow morning!!! We are soooo thrilled and over the moon excited!! A Furbaby to love and cuddle!  Her name is Molly- She is a beagle/feist mix-
Here she is in a video- she is the lighter one of the two!

Hubby and the kids are soooo happy- they have been begging me for a dog for 3 years- and we have been planning/TTC that whole time for another baby, and so I held off, not wanting to "take on too much" should we get pregnant.... But, with this being our last shot/cycle at a baby, I figured, why not just try out murphy's law.... ;)

And with that, I leave you with my trigger pics from today!


Thursday, May 16, 2013

5dpt

Nothing to report...Just waiting...


Tests are as follows:
1dpt
2dpt
3dpt
4dpt
5dpt

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Hello TWW

Soooooo NICE to finally be in the TWW! I hate waiting to ovulate, and especially when it takes 27/28 freaking days to do so! =/

Feeling pretty good today- positive, and confident about our BD coverage...starting to get post O symptoms which is good, makes me believe those follies had eggs that released, so yay!

Here is my trigger pics for today- Tests go like this:
Top- 12 hrs post trig
2nd- 1 day past trig
3rd- 2 days past trig
4th- 3 days past trig
Its starting to fade  out now- which is about normal for me...Hopefully it wont go totally away, and just swing right into a blaring BFP in about 8 days!! =)

Oh yea, and I am not starting my progesterone till 5 dpo this time...Braverman said that starting it too early can swing the lining into being too luteal too soon, and cause issues with implantation...Which I thought was interesting to hear, but so totally different than the typical RE/OB protocols for progesterone supplementation in IVF/IUI and even natural cycles. typically the latest you hear it being started is the "3 dpo" rule of thumb- or if you do IUI/IVF you start the day of trigger- But anyway, I am willing to give it a shot- Heck, the least amount of days I have to poke my ass and leak progesterone out my vag, the better! NO complaints here!! 
=)

So far, I have had NO side effects from the neupogen. I do feel the prednisone- but at 40 mgs a day, who wouldn't? Its not unbearable though- I am adjusting well. So far so good- we will see what the next few days bring...

I got a message from Braverman's Nurse to fill out a form I submitted to the Amgen safety net foundation med program for Neupogen help- Hopefully they will help me out, since my ins denied the IVIG and Neupogen...Otherwise, I have to hope and pray this Medpro RX program I signed up for (supposedly can get me Neupogen for 20 bucks a month- income based help program) isn't a scam....Ugh the joys of trying to get medications not covered my insurance that cost a freaking fortune!
=/

Monday, May 13, 2013

2DPTrig/Oday!

OK! Here we go! Ovulation should have taken place anywhere from last night around 9pm to right now...I am def feeling the residuals of O pains...Realllyyyyy glad to be in the TWW finally, even if it is the day (cycle day freaking 28!) I should be testing, instead of O'ing! UGH!

Trigger pic below-
Ugly chart
AND.................
One of my blogger friends challenged me to post a belly pic for those wondering what we go through when we do lovenox etc...

OK- GRAPHIC IMAGES AHEAD!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Ugly lovenox/inject bruised belly ( forgive the stretch marks etc)- this is only after a few days....If we get a sticky, I will be on Lovenox for 36 weeks- My butt looks similar after 2 weeks of PIO injects too...lol






Saturday, May 11, 2013

Trigger day!

Today is trigger day!
I am trying to be as positive as possible, since I am feeling so out of control here with this cycle and how everything is working out...::deep breath:: so much riding on this month! ugh....

Ok- so here is a pic of the injects I will do today ( PIO not included- Dr. B wants me to wait till 5 dpo to start progesterone)
Fun, fun, right?!

My belly is already starting to look like a battle zone from the lovenox- lol I wont even dare disgust you with pics of that! LOL

Ok- so, this is it...No turning back now...Please God, let us have a miracle!



Friday, May 10, 2013

Backwards-

Was just looking at my silly backwards chart....NO idea why  my temps were so high at the beginning of this cycle-
=/
I am soooooo looking forward to triggering and getting a move on with this cycle!
I have a feeling my follicles are playing catch up today  cause I have some nasty O type pain...No + OPK, but def some ovary pain action.....

Here is my fugly chart...
Trigger tomorrow eve!


Thursday, May 9, 2013

The "plan"

OK- so the plan is to monitor OPK's and if I do not ovulate on my own before sat eve- I am to trigger with the pregnyl, 10,000 IU HCG inject. Then start the rest of my immune meds etc...I sure hope this works...I am soooo "over" this cycle- and TTC and all of this crap....My nerves are shot...
=/

The cycle from hell....

Ugh-
I dunno what I was expecting, but certainly not a measly 16mm and a 12 mm follicle after 7 more days of stims...::sigh:: endo lining is almost 11, which is good- But man, all that follistim, and not even one effin mature follicle!!!!! ahhhhhhh!!!!!!

Labs:

E2- 93
Lh- 7.41
Prog- 0.2


I am waiting on labs and the word form DR. B about what to do next- I don't know what he is going to do...But I am soooooo frustrated about this month!!!!!!!!!!
=(

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Operation drop kick ovaries-

Sitting here- Hoping and praying the needles jabs I have been giving myself are working...I reallllyyyy NEED to have some good follies to look at tomorrow!!!!!


Mother's day-


Mother’s Day Manifesto
This is my path. It was not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk mindfully with intention. It is a journey through grief that takes time. Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. I may be impatient, distracted, frustrating, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won’t smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing. But please, just sit beside me. Say nothing. Do not offer a cure. Or a pill, or a word, or a potion.
Witness my suffering and don't turn away from me.
Please be gentle with me.
Please, self, be gentle with me, too.
I will not ever "get over it" so please don’t urge me down that path. Even if it seems like I am having a good day, maybe I am even able to smile for a moment, the pain is just beneath the surface of my skin. Some days, I feel paralyzed. My chest has a nearly constant sinking pain and sometimes I feel as if I will explode from the grief. This is affecting me as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
Remember that grief is as personal to each individual as a fingerprint. Don't tell me how I should or shouldn’t be doing it or that I should or shouldn’t “feel better by now.” Don't tell me what's right or wrong. I'm doing it my way, in my time. If I am to survive this, I must do what is best for me.
Surviving this means seeing life’s meaning change and evolve. What I knew to be true or absolute or real or fair about the world has been challenged so I'm finding my way, moment-to-moment in this new place. Things that once seemed important to me are barely thoughts any longer. I notice life's suffering more- hungry children, the homeless and the destitute, a mother’s harsh voice toward her young child or by an elderly person struggling with the door. So many things I struggle to understand.

Oh, perhaps as time passes, I will discover new meanings and insights about what my child’s death means to me. Perhaps, one day, when I am very, very old, I will say that time has truly helped to heal my broken heart. But always remember that not a second of any minute of any hour of any day passes when I am not aware of the presence of her absence, no matter how many years lurk over my shoulder.
Love never dies.
So this year, on Mother’s Day, don’t forget that I have another one, another child, whose absence, like the sky, is spread over everything (C.S. Lewis).
Don’t forget to say, “How are you really feeling this Mother’s Day?” Don’t forget that even if I have living children, my heart still aches for the one that is absent—for I am never quite complete without my child. And because love is much, much, much bigger than Death.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Holy hell- Food poisoning sucks!

So I can't be TOTALLY sure- BUT, we went out to TGIFriday's and had a few appetizers and drinks- I was the only one who ate the shrimp on the platter thingy- (and only one to get sick) and I have never in my life, had the kind of pain I had yesterday, with a virus...I mean, it was like balls of fire with barbed wire on them rolling in my insides, followed by violent vomiting-

Back to the land of the living today, but ohhh man- I would not wish that on my worst enemy! That was rough!

Thursday- 7:30 am-
I go for clinic to get blood and u/s done- REALLLYYY praying we have some activity in there- I am getting so weary of this cycle! =/

Friday, May 3, 2013

Let the belly stabbing commence!

  Today, I start the second round of femara for this cycle, (since I did not respond well previously this cycle) and will be adding along with it, the follistim (FSH injects) to hopefully kick my ovaries into gear here and make some viable eggies to pop out...

  I have not done any stim injects before- clomid and femara are the strongest ovulation inducing meds  have ever taken, so this is a whole new level of crazy, along with the ever crazier and crazier immune protocols....

OK here we go!! I am about to look like miss blueberry in the movie willy wonka chocolate factory with all the bloating that ensues with these stims...It better be worth it!!!

Thursday, May 2, 2013

ok....

So, Braverman just wants to swing right into another 5 day stim with 5 mgs femara and add in follitisim 150 IU every other day for 4 days as well while on the femara, and go back for another ultrasound in a week...Trying to work on getting the meds ASAP-

=/
would have been nice to just had my body play along this month instead of having to force it to do what it needs to....

Edited to add:
Insurance covered my folltism for 40 bucks!!! yay!!!!!!!! That is some good news finally!! =)
I start the new round of stims tomorrow!

WTF!!??

OK- so I go to my scan this morning....Good news, Lining is 7.8...
Bad news...

The two other follicles they saw are now gone, and the lead ( 14 mm they saw monday)  Is now either gone/released ( though I had NO O signs), or got smaller and is only a 12/13 mm? WTF!! I am livid!! I don't get it! My body is being soooo stupid this month!!! I think they may cancel my cycle, and I don't even know if the cycle fee I paid will be able to transfer to next month or not! I just want to cry right now!!! Why does this whole week have to suck!!???
=(

Edited to add:
I was informed my fee will roll over- But I wont be exempt from having to pay the monitoring fees for the last 3 visits with my local RE-
=/
Waiting on blood work to see what to do with this cycle...

Man this sucks...

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Grasping at some hope here....

Just looking through our "for our rainbow baby" box...Trying to amp myself up and get positive again....Grasping at some hope...I bought something new the other day, on impulse...I was in such a rush to get out of that baby section before I backed out and told myself I was dumb for even looking, I didn't even realize It was a two pack, until I got home..

...Hoping in less than a year, I will have a little bundle to wear these....(cute little hats/mittens, shown in front of my vision board)