Friday, July 26, 2013

Song I am writing...

I have started to write a song in honor of our angel babies...It is far from done, but you have to start somewhere, right?


Tears streaming down my face
from all this pain...
It can never be erased...
sometimes, it just overtakes me...

It was not supposed to be like this...
You should be here with me...

So,  I will hold you in my heart forever...
Nothing take can your place, not ever...
 Even though you are safe, in our father's arms
Soaring far above the twinkling stars...
My heart aches...Its just breaks...I miss you...

I never got to hold you in my arms...
I never got to see you smile....
You never got to see the sunshine, or 
watch the clouds pass by...


I was not supposed to be like this....
you should be here with me...

So,  I will hold you in my heart forever...
Nothing take can your place, not ever...
 Even though you are safe, in our father's arms
Soaring far above the twinkling stars...
My heart aches...Its just breaks...I miss you...


They say time, it can heal all wounds...
But I know this is just not true...Not when it comes to you...
I still miss you the same...My heart , it still aches...I miss you...

So,  I will hold you in my heart forever...
Nothing take can your place, not ever...
 Even though you are safe, in our father's arms
Soaring far above the twinkling stars...
My heart aches...Its just breaks...every single day......I miss you...

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Bittersweet week...

Yesterday, My miracle "baby" girl, turned 4 years old...


I was filled with so many emotions, but mostly, thankfulness....I was thankful, my little girl, beat the odds, (DR's say she is a miracle due to the kind of immune issue I have) and is here to celebrate another year with us....I am thankful for the light she shines in my heart on the darkest of days...I was just sooooooo thankful and filled with Joy, looking at the miracle God placed in our lives...

Today, is a little bit different...Today is MY birthday....29 years old...The last year of my 20's...In the past, when thinking about this time in my life, (hypothetically) I had a lot of "plans" that I had hoped to see come to fruition by now....MANY have...and many have not....Most of those things that didn't come to be, I was ok with...But, .I  thought by now, (after 3 years trying and praying) surely we would have had our last, very much desired addition to the family already...But here we are...empty handed, with a devastating diagnosis, and still pretty broken....But that isn't even what makes this day hard for me...

You see, 5 years ago, today, would be the last time I would see our baby girl Hannah, alive.
(The last day we saw her alive)

 Just a mere 10 days later, we found out she has passed (at almost 20 weeks along) .....She was Perfect in everyway that day...Then, gone in an instant...(we now know, it was a result of my immune disorder that cause the loss)....

I would never, ever be the same again.....
(her foot prints)


All these feelings and the upcoming angelversary of Hannah, and the many passing angel-versaries, from the many angels we lost in the last 3 years....It is like ripping open a old wound...I so want to spend today, filled with HOPE and Peace, and JOY for another year lived...But I am not so sure I even DID live at all the last year or so of my life....between the meds, losses, treatments, DR's appts, and emotional turmoil, I dont remember half of it, and what I do remember is not good....I just HURT....I STILL, reallllyyyyy hurt......

I put on my fake smile this morning, so the kids don't questions why mommy is so sad, on her "special day"...But Inside, I feel like I am dying....Now don't take me wrong, I am sooooo thankful for my children I have...So many do not have any, and never will.....I am so thankful for the LOVE, and hugs, and intricately handmade cards they showered me with this morning....BUT.....Even 5 years later...Even after having my rainbow kaitlyn, beat the odds and bless our lives...I ache inside, sometimes now, more than I did at the very start......The loss of our Hannah (and the many more we lost since her) has affected me more than I'd like to admit, especially 5 years out....They say time heals all wounds...I beg to diff

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Thankful for my Husband

University of Michigan Medical School has found that couples who experience miscarriage are 22% more likely to break up.
Those that experience stillbirth are at an even greater risk – couples were 40% more likely to divorce or separate after the tragedy.

Those are staggering statistics...One I am so thankful  I am not apart of....
Though the last 3 years of this journey to have another baby...And even before that, in 2008 when we lost our daughter at 19 weeks..My husband has always been there to support be 100%...After all we have endured, we are stronger today, than we ever were...And I am  just so blessed to loved by a man who really understands the meaning of, for better or for worse, sickness and in health, rich or poor....No matter what! And is committed to growing and learning from all the circumstances and adversity that we have face...He has not let it break him...Or let it break me...I am so thankful...

Friday, July 12, 2013

Back on the pill...

For now anyway... Not sure what we will do in 6 months...But for now, this is the plan...

I got a RX for seasonale- The one where you take it for 3 months continuously,  then have a period. It is supposed to be good for keeping PCOS calmed down etc. I really just want to not worry about getting pregnant for a while...No charting, no nonsense...It is such a horrible place to be...Because I would give ANYTHING to be pregnant with a baby I get to bring home at the end. But, Knowing my body just KILLS them before they can hardly start to grow, kills ME inside, and I just cannot keep going through the emotional turmoil of loss after loss after loss anymore...So I have no other choice but to do whatever I can to prevent pregnancy, even though I want so much to be pregnant right now...ugh...

All the baby pics and belly pics and ultrasound snapshots on facebook...They just cut like a knife...Reminders of what we tried for soooooo long to get, but lost, over and over again, and what we wont be able to have again...I want so bad  not to be sad about it...I want to be excited for others...It's not that I am not happy for them deep inside, I really am...I am just so heart broken for us, I cannot even think straight, or get past the hurt enough to show it. Maybe one day that will get easier? I hope...


Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Change...

Can do you good every now and again...

I decided to cut my hair for a little change...
=)

Before:

After:



YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Levels are baseline!!!!

Thank you JESUS!!!
:::sigh of relief:::
This whole ordeal has gone on wayyyyy toooooo long...NOW...I can finally start to move closer to the "acceptance" phase...I think I would have been much closer to it, had this not gone so crazy and taken so long to resolve...Anyway...Onward and upward...

I have decided to get a tattoo for my B day ( on the 25th of this month) in honor of our angel babies...I am still in the process  of having it sketched properly, but this is the basic model I came up with on the computer...I plan to put it on my left shoulder/back.


Romans 8:18:
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The 7 stages of grief

 I have been sitting here, pondering the stages of grief. As I look over the last almost 3 years dealing with infertility and NUMEROUS pregnancy losses, I can tell you that this is a pretty good representation of what it can be like to walk through the stages of grief...Of course, everyone deals with grief a little differently, as we are individuals., but generally speaking, most people find themselves dealing with these 7 stages at one point in time or another when they have suffered a loss, of any kind.. I am writing from a stand point of the loss being a pregnancy loss, because that is the most recent loss I am dealing with, and I  try not to write on anything I have not experienced myself....I am not sure where I am in the grief stages right now...I seem to flip back and forth from depression, anger, and denial...I have a feeling it is going to be a LONG road to acceptance...

Below is a graph that shows the stages and how they kind of ebb and flow through time...



The initial state before the cycle is received is stable, at least in terms of the subsequent reaction on hearing the bad news. Compared with the ups and downs to come, even if there is some variation, this is indeed a stable state.
And then, into the calm of this relative paradise, a bombshell bursts...


This model is extended slightly from the original Kubler-Ross model, which does not explicitly include the Shock and Testing stages. These stages however are often useful to understanding and facilitating change.
The most important thing to realize is that each of these stages is normal, and that so long as you are progressing through them (even slowly) then you will eventually reach acceptance, or healing. Sometimes people seem to get stuck in one stage, or to skip stages. If psychological theory is right though, you can't really skip a stage--you won't really heal and move on unless you have been through all of them

One thing I experienced was that my husband and I often progressed through these stages at different rates, or in different ways. So he wanted to distract himself and avoid thinking about our baby at the time when I wanted to wallow in my grief and just talk about it... or he was angry at the world at a time when I was fixated on trying to just get pregnant again.

You should not feel pressured to grieve in a certain way, nor to be "all better" by a certain time. Each stage will manifest in different ways in different people, and in different kinds of circumstances, and things that are helpful for one person may not be helpful for another. However, here are some examples of how the various stages might manifest when grieving over miscarriage. (If you have something to add, please comment and I will add it here in the post.)

Shock
The news of fetal demise or the onset of physical miscarriage is overwhelming. It's common go to into an adrenaline-filled "fight or flight" mode, with moments of startling clarity (choosing whether or not to have a D&C, arranging babysitting for other children, or calling in sick to work). It's also common to completely freeze up and be unable to do or think anything. You may not be able to cry at this stage...or you may not be able to stop crying.
Denial
Trying to convince yourself that the baby didn't really die, or that you never were really pregnant. That something has been misdiagnosed. That you should get a second opinion, or a third. That if you just hurry and take the right herb or medication that everything will get better. This stage might also be called "Distraction," as some people (notably husbands) seek to avoid thinking about the loss. Sometimes this manifests in wanting to get pregnant again as soon as possible (as though you were always just pregnant). Sometimes it manifests in wanting to never get pregnant again.
Anger
Casting blame at anyone and anything that might possibly have contributed to the miscarriage. It's common to be angry at your spouse, with the rationale that they contributed the 'flaw' that caused the miscarriage, or that they are not supporting you in the way that you want them to. You might be angry at yourself, feeling that your body is broken because it did not keep the baby. You might be angry at the baby, or at God. You probably will be angry at anyone else in the world who has children, or babies, or is pregnant, or who takes those things for granted, or who has never lost a child. You will most likely be upset with anyone who is insensitive to you.
Bargaining
At this point it is normal to think about anything that you could change about the status quo, and to fixate on changing them. It's common to feel disgruntled about your marriage, to feel like if you had a different spouse things might be better (you might have more money or live in a nicer place or have more friends or better support or even, most literally, that procreating with a different partner might have avoided miscarriage). This stage may involve wanting to try to conceive again right away. You may try to 'make deals' with God (things like "I don't want to miscarry again so if I'm just going to miscarry then don't let me get pregnant again").
Depression
As the graph indicates, this is an inactive state. Many people feel lethargic when they are depressed. More than feeling 'sad' per se, they often simply feel nothing. It is common to withdraw from social activities--sometimes to avoid questions, possibly to avoid the possibility of feeling happy (many of us feel guilty over being happy about something, as though it indicates a lack of love for the child we are grieving).
Testing
Testing is the beginning of acceptance. I think it's something like learning to roller skate--with false starts and falling down. There are a few attempts to move into 'acceptance' and some of them will fail miserably, which will drop you back into depression or anger or some other stage, and then you'll have to push forward again. You may need some time to gather yourself before you feel ready to try again. Eventually however, with continued trying, you will reach the final stage of
Acceptance
This is what we refer to as 'healing.' As with any wound, there will be a scar. You will never return to being the way you were before the miscarriage, but you will find a new 'normal' and you will reach a point of being able to live life, get things done, and even be happy. You'll be able to hear pregnancy announcements, see pregnant women, or hold infants and not be depressed. You'll be able to look back at your loss without fixating on it, and you'll be able to look forward into the future, and to move into it. Sometimes people refer to this stage as 'closure' but it's broader than that. It's not closing the book on what happened, it is accepting and validating it, and moving forward with life anyway.
Sometimes things drop me back into grieving for my children (although the grief is not so intense nor does it last long). Perhaps it's seeing a child who is the age my angel would have been. Perhaps it's meeting someone whose due date is near when mine was. Sometimes it's being with someone who is going through a loss of her own. Sometimes it's looking at my own children, and wondering how our family dynamic would be different if those other babies had lived. Because, even though I am a whole and healthy person, my experiences of loss have made me into a different person than I would have been without them.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Maybe?

Woke up to bleeding...Maybe, just maybe this means that the HCG has dropped and things are finally resolving...Let's hope...

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Saturday, July 6, 2013

What's next?

Not really sure at this point...we will have to wait and see what Wed's levels are at....
I did however correspond with my Local RE about all of this...Here is our messages from the portal. I am too tired to paraphrase....So this is the Jist of us hashing out what to do next...

ME:
so I talked to Greta (my nurse) about the HCG levels today. they did go up some.....I know they should drop on the 7th day past metho...I know my baseline is under one normally, as I have had several HCG draws showing my level normally is less than one, for a baseline... so I am not sure what good doing a qualitative urine test is going to do, since they have a threshold of 25( they wanted me to do a urine and blood test on wed)..Thats pretty much a waste of money for me to get charge 150 bucks for a urine test at the lab...
Also, seeing how I had such adverse reactions from the last methotrexate shot, I would prefer NOT to do that again, even if it does continue to rise...so what are the other options? I am still experiencing some nasty pain on the right, and cramping constantly in the pelvic area....I am concerned about infection inside considering the pain and cramping.


RE:
I agree, I'm not wild about another methotrexate shot either. I know the urine pregnancy tests aren't very responsive under 25, but it's strange to see your levels drop so nicely, then hit a floor at a frustrating 10.then rise again... The real motivation behind the simultaneous urine/serum test is to go fishing for "phantom hCG syndrome." With that, your body is reacting to the reagents in the test kit to cause the persistent low positive reaction, rather than the test detecting the hormone it's looking for. That situation is rather rare, but if anyone is going to have a bizarre plot twist, it's probably going to be you. (No offense is meant, just Murphy's Law at work.)

How about this: let's check only bloodwork next time. If the levels go down, we're good. If the levels go up, then maybe it's worth a home urine pregnancy test. If the levels are the same, check again in a week. If the levels go up, check a urine test and keep watching, waiting for surgical intervention.

I can't plot out how this is going to go, but I agree--I don't think we'll use methotrexate again for this pregnancy, and I'm not wild about using it for future losses. But that's another story for another time.


MY reply:
Ok that sounds reasonable. I did a home pregnancy test today (first response brand) and I am still testing positive, so I don't think it is the other issue. here is hoping things are going down on wed

RE:
Your urine home pregnancy test is positive? Good, I can stop pondering phantom hCG syndrome. At this point, removing methotrexate from the arsenal, leaves waiting or surgery. (And I'd pick waiting over surgery.) Surgery could be a D+C at its simplest, hoping to knock out some last vestige of cells, or a laparoscopy, hoping to find and remove placental tissue outside your uterus. 

Let's wait for now, and keep checking hCG. If it climbs up impressively again, we may need surgery.

Dr. Grossman

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Nope...Not yet...

Ugh...Today my HCG did not drop like it should have, instead,it went up again...even after a second dose of metho last week...They want me to wait one more week, and do another beta, and if it has not gone to baseline by then, they will "re-evaluate" and go from there...I am soooo sick of this!!!!!