Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving- and some ramblings-

It was right about this time, last year, that I really started to realize this TTC thing may take a BIT longer than we anticipated...We had a few losses, but I was still rather hopeful, and had been keeping that "just keep trying, just keep trying" (sang in Dori from 'Nemo' type voice) mind frame firm in my head, not letting the doubt cause me to waiver in my assurance we would have a take home baby SOON.

I remember thinking- "This time next year, I will either have a newborn, or be BURSTING ready to deliver!...I will have name picked out, and know the gender, I will have been shopping for baby stuff and setting up the nursery at the very LEAST". I was so very SURE it would be a different scenario for Thanksgiving of this year...And It should have been...I should have a NEW baby three times over - or be 26+ weeks or 16 weeks- etc etc...I should be enjoying my rainbow...I should be feeling JOY - I should be seeing my new baby grow and grow......-But, I am not- things are FAR from that....

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not going to turn this into a 'poor me' pity party and spend the whole day feeling sorry for myself, because the reality is, I do have a LOT to be thankful for- SOOOOOOOO much!...My family both blood and otherwise, my husband,  my house, our health, our faith, our freedom etc, etc.....And of COURSE the BEAUTIFUL children I already have.....They are the LIGHT of my LIFE

 But even they trigger the hurts to surface now and again- For Instance, yesterday, out of the blue, I over hear them all talking in the other room, ( all 4 of them) about another baby ( they  know I am not preg) and what gender they want, and who it will sit next to in the vehicle, Who will sit next to the High char at the table, and who can get the diapers etc...etc etc...It was so hard-

I almost ran in there and shouted "STOP!, just STOP!"- But they have NO idea why it hurts me, or how hard it is to hear- It was so innocent. Secretly, I wished I could so effortlessly dream about having another baby as well, without the cynicism that comes racing back and quickly slaps me in the face, and then tells me just HOW MANY losses I have faced, and statistically, I am bound to have more....
Instead of interrupting,  I let them carry on, and listened, as my heart ripped out of my chest, and I fought back the tears- Feeling like a failure-....Later that day, I overheard  my 3 year old, randomly  ask Daddy if - "Santa can bring her a baby brother or sister"...To which he replied " If only it were that easy my love"....I cried...I know it is something only those with Kids who want more would understand- Women who are struggling to TTC #1, I understand how silly or ungrateful  it may seem, but for me, it hurts....

 It really hurts too be "here" still, and not even in the throws of a good promising/ well behaving, normal  TTC cycle....Nope, just stuck, in a hellish, stupid cycle of NO ovulation....Waiting....waiting and waiting....

.I imagined things so very different about how this year would be...It was almost as if I was THAT confident about it....Like I was certain there was NO way we could endure this much craziness for this long....Now, it seems like such a HUGE let down to reach the 'holiday's' again,  and have NO sticky baby...Again...It's almost like it makes it more REAL. 

 But, Today- I am going to smile through my tears and heartbreak and disappointments....  Eat tons of turkey, and overload on crap ( but delish tasting) food and decorate my Christmas tree while stuffing my face with chocolate cover cherries, and for the day, put TTC and baby stuff on the back burner...I may not have what I have been dreaming of for 3 years now, and I may never get it again, but I AM thankful for what I have...

Thankful for the many amazing people I have in my life, both near and far, and the amazing people I have met through this long hard journey through recurrent loss...I am thankful for this Blog, because not only has it been therapeutic for me, and I have received encouragement from so many wonderful women, but most of all, Thankful that I have been able to reach out and touch others in the same situation, and make them feel less alone or help them in any way...

I hope today is filled with lots of laughter, and love and fun for all of  my followers- And even if you are dying inside watching that pregnant family member who totally does not know how lucky she is- :cheers!!- shot o vodka:: here is one for you!

Happy Thanksgiving!

1 comment:

  1. I don't have kids yet myself, but I can totally understand how much it must hurt to want another and not be able to make it happen YET. That innate desire to have children is either there or it isn't. Just because you already have children, it doesn't mean your desire to have another is any less. It's kind of like falling in love I just can't help it! The desire is there, and it's something you know in your heart. It doesn't just go away, especially when you hear things like that from your children and you are actively already trying.

    I know it's been a hard year for you, but stay strong beautiful! It will happen!


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