Wednesday, December 25, 2013

I'm holding nothing back...

This song, (below) and the meaning behind it, and why it was written touched me greatly....

I realized after hearing it, I have held on so tight to my pain and grief, because it is where I could find identity. I felt as though I was not "normal enough" having had so many struggles to fit in with all the mom's who have many kids, and I have kids so I don't fit in the infertile world, and because of our numerous losses, it is easy to find a niche in the loss community, and because of that, I held on to my identity in my grief with a death grip....I have lingered too long in that place of despair...I let my fears run wild, and my faith and trust in God run dry....


Its time to move on, into a new place....My grief will never end, but I must take those next steps into the passageway, and let it evolve instead of grasping at it trying to "stay" right where I am....

I believe this song, was a turning point for me, and has helped me see what I needed to see in myself, and reaffirm what I know to be true in my heart  about the God that I serve and love....

I will make mistakes...I will stumble, fall, and have setbacks...But I am going to try and let go of that tight grip that once held on to my grief so very tightly, and lay down my pain and burdens and stop holding back ...

Here is the info (below) on the meaning behind the song, why it was written and a little info about the artist....(below that, is the video)


“Holding Nothing Back” was birthed during a season of extreme personal heartache and uncertainty. On the heels of the death of my mother from bone cancer; the miscarriage of our twins; the division of our home church; and a series of setbacks in my music career—in the midst of this fiery storm—I found myself very disillusioned with God, shaking my fist at Him in anger. I remember questioning if He really actually loves me, and if He's actually good. I was at a point where I was yelling at him saying, "I don't trust You!"

During this time, I felt the "still, small voice" of the Lord. He began to ask me, “If you were to lose everything, would I still be enough for you as your God, as your Savior?” I was extremely convicted and began to weep, knowing I had put my hope and security in things and people rather than in Jesus. I immediately began to pray with a broken, repugnant heart, literally saying the words, "Jesus, I don't want anything coming in between You and me; It doesn't mater what I have to go through, I’m holding nothing back from You." 

I’ve come to understand that I can be transparent and vulnerable before the Lord. I can tell Him how I feel. I can scream and cry out in agony, because I know He can handle it. He knows how I feel and He’s never surprised by the trials I’m facing. He's never shocked by my failures and mistakes. His ways are always higher than mine, and He's using those circumstances to bring me into the mainstream of His purposes for my life. 

My prayer is that this song encourages people to live vulnerably, to share their testimony. It's our testimony that ministers to others who are struggling in their seasons of heartache and uncertainty. I hope that we are all encouraged daily to not hold anything back from God, but rather to come boldly to Him with confidence and pour out our hearts. He delights in our willingness to acknowledge the brokenness in our lives. 

When we are weak, He is strong. He always uses the broken to do the miraculous. He uses the things that seem foolish to blow the minds of wise people. - See more at: http://www.ccmmagazine.com/article/ryan-stevenson-story-behind-holding-nothing-back/#sthash.mRVqEp5H.dpuf







Merry Christmas!!!!

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas....Many prayers to those who are dealing with difficult circumstances, and missing loved ones this year...










Tuesday, December 24, 2013

I have to share...

 I am re-blogging this, because I happened to stumble on this post this morning on my FB news feed via Still Standing and it so touched my heart...I am still in tears now from reading it...I know there is someone else out there that NEEDS to read this today....( link below)

I SEE YOU........

Monday, December 16, 2013

Slowly...

It seems I am coming out of the funk I have been in for the last couple weeks...I wont even try and pretend that I am "all better" and things are rainbows and butterflies....Cause, we all know that would be a bunch of BS!

BUT, I do not feel as isolated, alone, depressed , hurt, angry or as sad as I was feeling a few days back when I posted "drifting"...And I thank all of you, who reached out to me, and were REALLY there...The ones who didn't just spit out cliche's like " be thankful you don't have cancer etc, or like "It could be worse"......Thank you again for just being there, not having the answers, not pretending to have them, and just letting me vent, and cry...

Now let me be clear...Those feelings I posted about a couple days ago are still there under the surface...They don't just magically go away because I made a post, and vented, and cried and got "real"...Those feelings are apart of the journey I am going to have to face as we walk through healing....It wont be easy, this much I know....And I will have "bad" days again...despite my BEST efforts, because grief is not linear, and does not have a specific time line...Some days (most) are good...Some are REALLY bad...

But today, it is ( our journey, grief, healing etc) NOT overtaking.....Today, I can see the silver lining, and see the JOY and HOPE in my life that was once overshadowed by the deepest hurt and grief just a few days prior...

Today, I have control over my emotions, and it is not like being hit by a tsunami....Today, I can breathe in, fully, without feeling like my chest might explode  from anxiety and feeling so "out of control", and I can exhale without  burning tears that feel like acid as they trickle out of my eyes and down my cheeks...Today is a new day....

I do believe that some of the craziness I was dealing with in the last week was brought on by hormonal junk...I *think* whatever it was we had last cycle, be it a chemical or whatever, messed with me physically. I bled for almost 9 days after, and have had some pretty nasty pain (close to ovulation pain, but no where near O time, so not sure what thats about)...AND my thyroid feels a bit swollen (gets hard to swallow, feels like a lump) which happens just before/during a Hashi's swing, (when my TSH fluctuates) which also plays a HUGE role in being able to control emotions etc....

So not only am I fighting a battle in myself emotionally (from grief, PTSD etc)  but I am also contending with factors (physically) that I cannot control, like PCOS issues, thyroid etc...Those all factor in to how your day can go and how you respond and react to situations placed in front of you...

Then add in some well meaning comments that only, in the end, did more hurting than healing... and on top of THAT I had to endure even more comments that were 100% malicious in nature, and were only meant to attack and HURT (targeted at me, specifically when I was at my lowest, (probably to make them selves feel better because they are insecure with their own grief and feelings)....It was like the ingredients for a "perfect storm"...And that is exactly what happened...

The "storm" raged on inside of me for a couple days, as I cried and cried and screamed and cried...At God, at myself, at my husband (non deserving) and then again at myself and God...I just basically let it all out....

Then, after I was done screaming and being mad, I grabbed a paint brush and painted about 4 rooms in my house over a 8 hour period. I didn't eat...I didn't drink.... I hardly stopped to pee...I just kept going...Painting...Covering over the old, drab, scuffed up colors, and slathering on the new, crisp and clean colors, that seems to brighten up everything around me and illuminate the rooms with a new glow.......

All the while, I was crying, while stroking the paint filled brush...Tears streaming down my face, landing on my shirt, and mixing with paint splatters as they gently hit the floor....Not a sound in the house, except for my sobs, and strokes of a brush....(an occasional "oh shit!" as I messed up edging  now and again! LOL)......I was a MESS....My house was a mess...Remnants of paint, spackling, painters tape etc....Everything was a MESS!

But, after all was said and done, when the paint had dried and I cleaned up the mess I had made, both in the house and on me (paint remnants) ... I was showered, clean, and tired as heck, and I realized....I had no more tears to cry...which was strange, and new for me....

I looked at what I had accomplished and for the first time in a couple days....I smiled....A real, genuine, non forced smile...I did something of value, even in the midst of tremendous grief, hurt, anger and sadness...I found a way to take those immense emotions I was dealing with, (compiled with the crap other has heaped on me in my time of grief)  that were threatening to overtake me, and redirected it....I (yes ME... Not my husband, not God not a comforting word from a friend...I did it) was able to pull myself out of the pit...And in the end, did something productive on top of it...

As much as I love THIS outlet to vent my words and feeling...Sometimes, I think it is best to leave certain things unsaid, and just work off the emotions with a project, and if, at the end of that project, you still feel the same way, then perhaps it is worth writing down and getting out...

Trying to find words to articulate how you feel can be soooo very hard...Hard for anyone, but harder when you are really emotional, and really grieving....Occasionally, when you do finally, find some kind of "words" that closely can convey whats swirling in your head,  it ends up being misunderstood, and a detriment to you and those around you, who cannot comprehend, (by no fault of yours or theirs) so taking a while to pause, and not just go into "auto pilot" blog mode, where everything falls on to a page with no filter, can be good.  Something I need to learn to do better...

For so long, I just used this as a personal journal to kind of talk and vent through all we were dealing with....At the start, I never imagined anyone would really even pay attention to my words, or care much about my blog, since there are what, 500,000 some odd blogs out there with some of the same topical issues I talk about on here...Certainly no one wants to read my crap! But I have realized slowly, that, what I say does matter....people DO care, and when I am flippant with my words, be it from my mouth or via a keyboard, I have the potential to hurt others and in turn, hurt myself, causing more pain, isolation and eventually depression.....For anyone I have offended or hurt with my words, (intentionally, or not) I am truly sorry....Really, really sorry...

So, while Blogging can be VERY therapeutic, I guess I would caution anyone who starts to get more followers and views, to be on the lookout and be ready for anything....At anytime, the words you share on this kind of place/forum/site can be taken out of context, twisted and even used against you if you are not careful...I have seen it happen to others and have experienced it now, first hand myself...But slowly, I am learning my lessons in blogging world...I am learning how to "pause' and reflect before hitting "publish" button, and really be sure I  know what I am saying before all my feelings, thoughts and depths of my grief and soul are bared for all to see on a page, and left open for anyone to use or misuse them....Its a eye opening lesson for sure....


Sunday, December 15, 2013

No one can give you a "time limit" on grief....

I WILL NOT, ever let another person/ or people make me feel "less than" because I am still grieving and hurting, and have "BAD days" sometimes...No matter how many "blessings"we have or how many "good things" I have in my life to look to to find JOY in...I still HURT.... EVERY. single. day....I MISS my BABIES who are not able to be in our arms.....No amount of amazing things that come our way will ever take that away...Those babies...Those precious little lives were apart of me, and will always be in my heart...I will NOT apologize for feeling the way I do...The day you walk a mile in MY shoes is the day you can TELL ME how to feel/think/act/grieve and tell me when it is time to "move on" or what is "normal" to feel...

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Drifting...

I feel like I am drifting...



Drifting away from so many things...Family,  Friendships, Support groups etc...

2/3  year agos, heck, even a year ago, I found comfort in in a LOT of things, despite our difficult set of circumstances, I had a lot of things to cling on to, including support from numerous people from all over the world it seemed like...I was hell bent on being as isolated as I could about our situation IRL, so I could keep the negative comments and naysayers out...But I always had at least one or two good groups where I could go to online, and totally feel uplifted, encouraged, and snag a glimmer of hope from.....

But slowly, over the last year, I have felt myself drift away from those once sacred sanctuaries of support and comfort...I have found that I no longer find solace there....I feel like I don't fit in anywhere anymore...



Instead, I feel hurt, bitterness, anger and a DEEP dark ache in my heart that overtakes me, and begs me to just delete myself from the world, both online and in reality (not like suicide or anything, just to be clear!)....I just want to go into hiding...

It isn't that the women in those groups are not amazing, strong, inspiring women...They ARE...It isn't because someone said anything "rude" or insensitive.....Its not because I no longer receive support, encouragement and prayers from them, because I do....

In fact, it is NOTHING anyone has done wrong, or didn't do right...

It is ME...


I am bitter, angry, sad, desperate, grieved, broken, and dead inside...Lifeless...And TODAY, I am ....


Because our situation is so complex, I find I am unable to relate to anyone anymore...Our journey is so different and individual, and totally not the "norm", that it makes it hard to look at others who have had major struggles and then are successful with joy or hope, as they move on, because they didn't have the SAME struggles as we do,  and only VERY FEW people in the WORLD  share our same kind of issues, and the ONLY ones that were successful, and got a take home baby, had a BOATload of money to spend to get there, something we do NOT have the luxury of having...

I don't even feel like I "fit in" with those doing ART,because most of them are dealing with primary infertility, and they don't  even GET how I could possibly still want more, or why I would keep trying and trying loss after loss, when I could just "live my life and be happy with what we have, since they would give ANYTHING just for ONE"...

NOT to mention, even IF we decided to start embarking on IVF/ART stuff, it would  be only the TIP of the iceberg that we would be having to tackle...In addition to IVF we would need between 10- 15 grand worth of immune meds, on top of the cost of IVF just to give us a CHANCE at a ET sticking...And even THEN, we have a triple the normal chance of having a 2nd or 3rd trimester loss once weaned off the immune meds...So we could lose our baby at ANY time, and there is NOTHING we could do to stop it...Not many have those kind of shitty ass cards handed to them, and not many can even come close to understanding the pain we have endured with SO MANY losses...People TRY, out of love and care and concern, but it wont ever happen....NO ONE will ever even grasp the depths of the pain I have faced and still face today...And because of that, I am finding myself slowly isolating even more than ever before...


Its painful to watch everyone you have rooted for "move on" to babyland, some for the 2nd and 3rd time since we started this journey...It not that you are not really, truly happy for them! (believe me, I am!) BUT, I am sad for US.... Knowing I probably won't ever join them in that JOY is just horrendous...

Its even more painful to see everyone moving on so effortlessly, they seem to forget what they have been through even, and I see them doing and complaining about the same things they complained about other people doing!... And then eventually, they get so wrapped up with life, their new baby and the JOY it all brings, they forget about the groups that once were their lifeline, and a new group of women come in, all just starting out new, and it starts all over...I root and root for everyone, they get the sticky's, move on, and  another round and another round...



 I am afraid that if by some strange chance, we EVER do get a miracle baby, there won't even be anyone I KNOW left to celebrate with me... No one who REALLY knows the details of our struggles fully, or walked with me through each step...I am afraid that everyone that has walked this with me the last 3 years has or will have moved on, and left behind the past journey of pain, and all the reminders that came with it, including  those of us who didn't get the long awaited rainbow...


I am drifting in a sea of pain and deep hurt....I am drifting away into isolation, and I know it isn't good, but I just dont know how much  more I can be happy for everyone else when MY heart is shattered in a MILLION peices, and NO ONE can do anything to help me heal, or help us have a baby, or fix this ridiculous, horrible  diagnosis, or give us a million dollars to blow on ART that may or may not bring us a baby.....I know after losing Hannah, having my baby, kaitlyn, really DID heal a part of me that nothing else ever could have...Seeing LIFE again, after so much death, does bring healing, and I am not sure we will ever see that again from MY body, and that HURTS....It just make me feel like drifting even further away....I am just drifting...far away...



Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Lost for words...

I have been a funk...Not really much to say that has not already been said before..I feel like such a broken record....But I guess I should start somewhere, and give a little update of some kind...

I have posted a few picture quotes that reflects some of how I am feeling, but I cannot seem to articulate MY feelings right now, in a personal way that is comprehensible to others, and doesn't make me look like an ungrateful bitch...

I guess I will start off by saying, we had another chemical this last cycle...( + test's at 6/7 dpo- 9 dpo, (I tested early cause I almost threw up while socially smoking a cigg and having a drink with my friend and I didnt temp so I didn't know really where my cycle was for sure) and by 10 dpo tests had faded some, and AF came the NEXT day, even while still taking 800 mgs of progesterone supps (which I did start late at 7dpo, the day I got my first positive but none the less), giving me a whopping 10 day LP...=/
Here is one of my FRER's from 7 dpo- =(


I know, I know..."why didn't you prevent!?"....well, truthfully, I hate preventing...I hate that there is  a possibility (even though it is less than 1% chance) that maybe, just maybe one day, everything will line up and MAYBE my body wont attack...I know it seems silly, but what if just that one time it was all PEFECT, and we missed it cause we prevented, in fear of having another loss...UGH....such a freaking mind funk! But, anyway, my reason this time was, I thought we would be "ok" to BD ( not  for TTC, just regular old spontaneous sex!... what is that again?? lol) since I could feel I was getting ready to ovulate on my bad side that no longer has a tube...I thought, "certainly it still won't be sooooo easy to GET pregnant", and therefore we will not have to be as cautious or worry about as many losses/chems etc since we cannot use the necessary meds to carry to term.....Ya right!...=/

....NOTHING is ever black and white or simple for me, ever! ugh...

Turns out the OTHER remaining tube CAN decide to waft over to the ovary where the missing tube was, and "pick up" the egg with the good tube...

I dont even know why I am sharing this, since, really, its pretty freaking "routine" for me now after all this time, and all the losses... AND, honestly, I am beginning to think people either think I am NUTS or faking it, which is why I didn't even post the tests etc...On top of the fact, I knew it was not viable, based on a few key signs I have noticed over the years before every loss, and really, there is no need to "announce"  a maybe baby,  just to say "its over" 2 days later....I'm getting sick of it...I am sure you all are too.....Honestly, I wish I was nuts some days, and NONE of this was REAL, and none of this was apart of our lives forever....Id give anything to be and feel "normal"...To feel peace....To feel whole...I dont even know if that is possible, EVER, with what we have endured...

anyway....

What else is going on? Well, we ( DH) got a tentative date of March 1st for relocation from NY to Cali though his work!!...It is all happening so FAST! we are listing the house next week, and I have SO much to do, but all I feel like doing and want to do is sit in my PJ's, cry and drink wine...BUT, I cannot wallow, not right now.....Something tells me the grief and pain will be JUST as intense if not more so after we move and get settled and all the "distractions" fade away...There will always be time to grieve and wallow....For now, I must refrain and just push through...Too much to be done...

If only the holidays were not upon us...I think this maybe the source of some of my "blues" at least right now...Any other holiday in the last 3 years, we still had  some kind of HOPE...Hope for a new DR appt, new meds, new tests, new treatments...Hope for something we had not tried, and was attainable for us to try...Hope it might actually WORK.......Now that we are pretty much at the end of our rope, it makes it hard to walk through the holidays that we should be celebrating with a new addition like 15 times over! all of the "should be's" and what not just are killing me this year...

I broke down and bought an ornament for our angels...


I wanted to get ONE for every single angel, but id go broke!...So, I got one to represent them all...It was such a bittersweet feeling...I am so thankful I have a way to honor them this year (In years past, I held off with angel ornaments, hoping soon I would have a rainbow baby to focus on instead of honoring dead babies) but I just wish at least ONE of them would be here in our ARMS, alive and well, to celebrate the beauty of christmas, a New year, etc....Instead I will be gazing at some glitter filled ornament that represents the many years of pain and anguish we have endured, and lives we have lost, that I will never be able get back again...That I won't get to watch open christmas presents...That won't ever get to see a "baby's first" anything happen....

Of course, I don't want it to seem like I am so self absorbed in my grief, that I do not engage or participate and celebrate with the children we already DO have...Even though I do not talk about them much on HERE, as to be sensitive to my other bloggers dealing with PI ...I do very much enjoy and cherish every moment I get with them regardless of how  *I* am feeling inside...I hold it in, (my pain) smile and cheer them on in whatever they are doing, even if my heart is breaking that we don't have another there to experience it with them....

It is especially hard  when I see it in my youngest daughter eyes, as she gazes at another child her age in a park, doting over a younger sibling...Then all the sudden she runs over at light speed, and exclaims, " I could be a good big sister too!, why can't I be a big sister mommy!?"....Or when she looks over at the new babies at church, with excitement at first...In awe of how beautiful a new baby really is...Then, the look changes, and  she remembers that "mommies body cannot have anymore babies" JUST before she asks me for the millionth time if we can have one like that too....And I see her heart sink, knowing what the answer will be, if she asks...I think her heart aches a little bit as well....Because after all, they have ALL wanted another sibling almost as much as we have wanted another blessing... Every one of our kids....They have begged for another baby for years, and as soon as I opened up and told them of our losses and diagnosis, they all immediately started on projects they could do to earn money to help us adopt...It touched my heart, but also broke it, realizing they also wanted this too...They also felt the pain of our losses too ...It was not only MY dreams that were crushed, but my husbands, AND my kids, who so  desperately wanted to have a chance with another beloved sibling to make lasting memories with.....It has also affected how my daughters view pregnancy and birth now...They have seen me struggle...My Oldest asked me the other day..." Mom, will I have a lot of miscarriages too?"....My heart broke...I plead to God in my heart at the moment, to please spare her this pain...

Having children already does not negate the pain I /we have felt, and the loss I/we have had to face...It does not change the fact that I feel BROKEN and defective...It does not change the fact that my littlest one prays EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT for a miracle to happen in my body, so she can have a baby brother or sister, and writes letters to Santa asking for him to send us a baby from a family who doesn't want it (adoptive child) or can't take care of it...Or she begs her friends at church who are foster children (fostered by some friends of ours) to help us "find a baby" to bring home like they have..( they get lots of new children frequently)....

having kids already does not change the fact that in my children, I see all the "should have and could haves" that our angels will never experience....I have already experienced the JOY and amazingness of being a mother to the ones I have, ( which I am so grateful for!-this BLOG post illustrates how and why having children has changed me, and why I long to do it again) I KNOW how precious and amazing those  milestones are with each year of life that passes...Having the choice to do it again being TAKEN and ripped away from me at such a young age, is so hard to cope with, when people who have NO buisness having kids AT ALL, are able to have 8+ children all in state care, because the mother is too cracked out to stop her habit, get on birth control, or  take care of those babies!

 I think I have made that rant ( the one above about the crack heads) several times in the last 3 years...I know life is not fair, and I SHOULD be ( and I AM) very thankful for what we have at all, since there are sooooo many fighting just to have ONE and my prayers are always with those struggling with PI......

But it doesn't change the fact that ALL of this HURTS...The deepest kind of hurt that one can experience...The loss of our precious babies, over and over and over...The loss of our DREAMS....The loss of our HOPE and FAITH....It freaking HURTS, Children already or not! ...


Anyway...I think I have rambled on enough...

Just when I think I am THIS close to being able to convey all the things that are swirling in my head, I start to write, and only a fraction of things that make sense actually comes out, and the rest gets drowned out, and I am lost for words again...