Thursday, September 26, 2013

Post OP appt follow up-

Yesterday I had my follow up appt with my RE for post OP care after the tube removal surgery. It went well. They drew a beta just to be SURE my HCG wasn't anything BUT undetectable, then I met with the RE. He took at peek at my incisions, and did a little press here and there, and that was that. He said things look great, and does not anticipate any more issues with ectopic, as he believes most if not all my ectopics were on that right side. He gave us the "all clear" to have sex and TTC on our own without meds or intervention. He said in 2 cycles, I can come back, IF we want, and start talking IVF etc if we desire... But he did say, he does not believe we will need it, and think we can achieve a intrauterine pregnancy on our own...He is not really "into" all the immune stuff, so he does not really think that those issues factor into our situation, and that we can and will carry to term if we "keep trying"...

On one hand, lab work doesn't lie, and If I tested positive for the issues I was DX with, then I have them....BUT, at the same time... Braverman, (who DX me with the immune issues) makes lots of money if I use his "services" to manage my immune care, so he gains a LOT,  IF I put all my stock into his professional opinion...Where as, my RE gains nothing, other than maybe a blood draw or ultrasound here and there if I ever happen to pop a BFP again...So I am not really sure where to go from here....I mean, we did try on our own for 20 months (with mild intervention- no immune meds) and we GOT pregnant many times...No take home baby.....It was not till the very end of this journey, we discovered the immune issues and did a cycle with the necessary meds...For 20+ months, we had loss after loss after loss after loss, most were NOT ectopics....So I have a hard time believing that taking out a problematic tube will magically make everything better and all the sudden now we can carry to term despite the immune complications?..?? I Just don't know...It all just gets hard to see between the lines, most of which are grey...There is nothing black and white about our situation...:::sigh::

Hubby thinks we should/wants to just "live life" and have sex whenever we feel like it, and if it happens it happens...Easy for HIM to say, he doesnt deal with the physical aspect of each loss....But, With the risk of ectopic lessened greatly now, I can KIND OF entertain the idea without feeling like I am going to end up in certain danger with yet another ectopic etc.....We certainly could just "NTNP", But at what cost? How many more losses before we just can't take it any more? Before my body can't take anymore?... I just don't know any more...

What I do know? After feeling crampy, and some side pain on the left, I decided to  tests and see what was happening... My body took no time to waste getting back to normal with ovulating and all that....CD 13, + OPK...

Not sure what the future will bring for us with TTC or not TTC or NTNP, whatever......For now, we are just trying to enjoy the "now"...Watching the little (er, BIG now) miracles we have, growing up, and exploring life...We have been Apple picking, prepping for holiday's, cleaning the yard for winter...Oh, and, Planning a trip to see family in Cali! (its been 6 years since our  last visit!)...So, for now, we are just kind of walking along this road blind...Unsure of what is next, No "plans"...Just...one foot in front of the other for now...

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Caught...

I feel sometimes as if I am caught between two different worlds...

In one, I am the stupid "Fertile Myrtle", who was oblivious to the pain of infertility, and the depths of pregnancy loss...Who flaunted her pregnancy, and complained like it was going out of style...Who said stupid things like " why don't you adopt" to my friends going through IVF at one point..(insert facepalm-.WTF was I thinking!?)...The one who said to a family member who just miscarries after fertility treatments, " you can just try again!".... That was my life 11 years ago...

In the other world, I am a bitter "infertile/RPL'er"... I have been apart of the "long time TTC groups" for way TOO LONG, and know every TTC acronym possible... Charted my way through the last two and a half years of meds, injects etc, experienced loss after loss, got a devastating diagnosis and eventually, lost part of my reproductive parts...I look at pregnant women, and either want to scream in rage or cry in desperation...I cant walk by the baby isle without breaking down...This is my life now...

Ironically, I WAS, at one time, who I now loathe to be around...Who I some days seem to despise, yet at the same time, envy their ability to enjoy the innocence of it all...I was, one of "those" women who have NO idea what it is like to struggle...Now, I am one of the women, who KNOW first hand what struggle is...

Being caught between the two worlds puts an interesting spin on things...

On one hand, I am thankful I got to experience a time in my life where there was not struggles (not like we have now) in having a family, and I was able to enjoy the bliss of being ignorant of the big bad things that CAN and do, and WOULD eventually happen to others I knew...and...To me......Yet, at the same time I cannot even enjoy those memories, because it just reminds me of what we now cannot ever have...I reminds me that I won't ever, ever get to go back to that time...I cannot un live the pain, and hurt and devastation we have lived through...It is forever etched into my heart, soul, mind and body....Some days, I wish like heck I could "go back" and not have to live through this and Not have to really KNOW what walking down this road is like...

BUT then again, I think, If I had never been through all of this, I would still be that oblivious girl/woman, who has NO idea what loss/struggle and pain of infertility and loss is like... I would just be another walking cliche' spouting out crap to those hurting, and pretending to know as if I can sympathize, saying, I "understand" when I have NO clue....At least now, I do KNOW....I really do understand...I can really come along side a friend, a family member etc, and support them, having been through the ringer so to speak in the fertility world...I am not sure which I would choose, If I had the choice, obviously, I don't have a choice, but hypothetically speaking......Sometimes, Ignorance is bliss....Sometimes, it is not...

The pain and scars that are left behind from our haunting journey are what have made me who I am today,( the good, the bad and the ugly) and given me strength I never knew was possible to have inside of me... It has what has made me a more compassionate and empathetic person...I has shown me so much about myself, and other people in my life/around me..Some of the lessons and wisdom I have gained through this is not something you can learn in a book, or read about and really "get"...You have to have WALKED down your own, very hard, painful,  journey yourself to be able to understand the gravity of it all...

I some days, really hate being caught in between the two worlds...I feel like because I at least had a time where we did not have major struggles, and because we have kids already, that we are almost exempt from being totally grieved over our diagnosis and inability to carry to term now...I should just be happy I got to even have just ONE of my own...If we did not have kids of our own, something tells me, we would probably have tons more support, and concern for our situation...

It is like people think I am nuts for,  #1. Even WANTING another child and #2. I am crazy for having tied after so many losses and put myself through what seems like extremely invasive procedures etc, just to have another baby, when we already have children...Some would give anything JUST for ONE child...To them I must seem like a greedy, whiny witch, who doesn't know how "good she has it"...

What they don't see, is my 4 year old praying for a baby brother every night before she goes to sleep asking me when it will happen, even after I explained to her a ton of times, "mommy cannot have any more babies"...My 11 year old, posting scriptures for healing, praying for me, so I could have another baby and not another loss...The look in their eyes when they know we lost yet another baby, no matter how inconspicuous I try to be, I can never hide the pain from the "phone call" to inform us of another loss, complication etc.....The silence as I stare into the distance, trying not to bawl my eyes out, and pull it together and keep myself upbeat for THEM....To hear them talk about our angels, which seems to always happen on days that are the hardest for me ( ie. anniversaries etc) "when we get to heaven, I wonder what all our brothers and sister will look like!, will they still look like babies? Will they know us?...I wish we could know them now, and not have to wait until we get to heaven"....Everyday, reminders of what was lost, even from the kids we already have....While I am sitting there being thankful for my miracles I  have, I see in them glimpses of who each of our angels COULD have been...I see in my kids here on earth, the miracle of LIFE, the amazing blessing they are...I SO LONG to do that over again, just ONE more time, and I can't...I don't have a choice...To have that ripped away from you, no matter when it takes place is well.....It is heartbreaking...

I hate how the two worlds of Primary infertility and secondary infertility seem to separate us in a world where we should be united...Pain is pain no matter when or how it seems to rear it's ugly head...Loss is loss, no matter how many kids you do or don't already have here on earth...Infertility is infertility...And it SUCKS...

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Sunday's...

As someone who believes in Jesus Christ, and tries to live my life in such a way that reflects that, however, I fail miserably. I am thankful HE loves me anyway....Aside of that, going to church on Sunday is an important part of my life. Not because I believe, that I HAVE to go, to fulfil some "religious obligation" or anything. No, I go because I know I need to be around people. People who are "like minded" so to speak (yet, ironically, I find most people in churches, no matter where you go, are not all that "like" minded at all. So many have such varying beliefs in doctrine and such, it will astound you if you pay attention- I digress.) I go because, I need to be with people that can encourage and lift me up when I cannot seem to carry on...People who can speak truth, when I need to hear it most...People I can build healthy friendships/spiritual relationships with...Relationships are good! But it is NOT always rainbows and butterflies...In relationship, sometimes things do not always go as "planned" and occasionally we need to trudge through some hard times, (just like we do with our family at home) and keep pressing in  and loving one another through that season...It takes sacrifice, and perseverance and character to stick it out sometimes, but that is how you know you have a real friend...Anyway, that is part of what I love most about church...I wont turn this into a "my church is amazing post"...Moving on...

Some Sunday's, can be harder for me than other's...

One being Mother's day...It can be a HUGE trigger for women struggling with pregnancy loss, infertility, and even loss of a mother, etc...It is a big one for me, having had a "should be" due date from a pregnancy we lost from the year before, and now another one again, this year, which resulted in the loss of the baby, my right tube, and almost my intestine...I also was miscarrying ON Mother's day last year as well...Just bad memories for me...And as much as I love the awesome stuff the kids I DO have, do for me, It never really replaces knowing what "could have been".

The other being, dedication Sunday's, in which a infant is dedicated in front of the congregation. It is a beautiful event for the parents and family, and for the church body...But, for some, it can really be hard to keep it together through, specifically for those dealing with infertility and loss..

So here I am today...Getting ready for church, barely having the desire to go to begin with, because physically, I "should be" back to myself after surgery, but I do NOT feel 100%...I get myself all set to go, and I am like "ok, I am doing this today, and it is going to be great!"...We get there, and I am like a zombie...I feel nothing...Just bleh...That is so NOT me...Get through the songs...And, out of nowhere...Baby dedication...

It was like a smack to the head and a swift kick to the ribs and I was bent over with pain in my heart that felt like a bazillion bones crushing at once...The burning in my eyes, and pain in my chest as it took every fabric of my being to hold in the tears until I reached a private place, was immense. Then, the last 3 years flashes before my eyes, and I felt like I relived it all over again...

I am spending the remainder of the afternoon, emotionally recovering from it all,  and trying not to "dwell" on my own situation, and get wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself...I wish I could get a two week warning before events like that take place, so I can prepare for it better...Honestly, considering the last couple weeks, I may not have even gone today at all, especially considering, I got the ridiculous phone call from the RE yesterday, while leaving IHOP, after having breakfast, where he explained the pathology report on the ectopic says we "may not have gotten it all"...Are you kidding me!? What next!?

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Right tube gone...

Soooo.....I Went to ER this morning with pain on my right side...My RE told me if I had any increasing pain in the location of the suspected ectopic  before Monday,to go to the Urgent care facility and get checked, becauseBHCG is not produced in the same amounts in a ectopc pregnancy as it would in a normal intrauterine pregnancy, so I cvould rupture even with such low numbers. So, I decided after being in pain all night, and this morning, I might as well just go get seen to be on the safe side....I got there, They did blood and ultrasound...My HCG did not rise appropriately, of course, we knew that would happen, The ultrasound showed a 2 cm mass in my right tube. I was transferred by ambulance to the women's hospital nearby, where my RE has surgical privileges ...Of course I was taken to Labor and delivery to wait for the surgical team, and my RE to show up, and get prepped....UGH...



Anyway, Long story short, they got me in and they took my right tube out, and in the process, accidently nicked my large bowel/intestine with the laser, and had to have the general surgeon come in and fix it, like something out of grey's freaking anatomy...Then, after recovery,  they put me in a room in the postpartum wing where I could hear a newborn crying in the next room....Really!??....However the staff, as super nice, and everything ran smooth with minimal waiting. 2 doses of toredol, and 4 doses of 4 mg of morphine,  the pain finally eased enough so I could go home...I just got home a little while ago...




I have pics of my insides too..





Warning, graphic pics ahead....











The top left picture is my ovary and tbe with baby in it- 





+3. It still seems surreal...

What a hellish day it has been....:::sigh:::

Friday, September 13, 2013

Yet another ectopic...

FML

I mean, really!?? This makes 4 ectopics in one years time...UGH...

Beta HCG jumped to 107. Progesterone less than one...

I go back monday for a repeat beta and a ultrasound to try and find the placement of the ectopic, then they are booking me for surgery some time next week...
=(
I am scared to death, so frustrated, and shaking my fist at the effin sky, asking "WTF!? WHY me!??"


 For anyone curious what a beta of 107 looks like on a wondfo, here is my series over the last day or so...Bottom test was a hour ago with a 2 hour hold...The one above it was last night at midnight.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Ugh...seriously?

Things just could not be easy this time....No, things just had to take a turn, and send me down "be there done that road"...

9 days ago, my beta was 6 and progesterone was dropping...My home tests were non existent as far as lines go. I started to bleed the next day, and continued to do so for 5 days...I was sure things were normal, and there would be no worries...

I was set for a repeat beta just to confirm levels had dropped on monday, but totally spaced it out and forgot to go for the last few days...Then it dawned on me, I missed my beta....I was not so concerned, I figure there really would be no need for one, it seemed I had "passed" most everything the days before anyway...

So this morning, I decided just to "be sure" and test with my home tests before calling in...I didn't want to waste 150 bucks on a beta if my HCG was already neg...

Wouldn't you know...My tests are effin positive...UGH!


Beta tomorrow, and again possibly monday...

RE said, in light of how I reacted to metho with my last (3rd ectopic) he would like to NOT use metho again and either move to surgery or D&C....

Only this shit happens to ME...Like really!!!"?

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Repeat beta results...

Beta went down to 6...Progesterone down to 3.6 from 48 ...
we are losing this one too...
=(

Monday, September 2, 2013

Results

HCG- Only a measly 8
P4- 48

I have a feeling that my HCG may be on the decline already, since my FRER was slightly lighter today...=/

I guess we will see what wed's beta brings...I know it probably will be neg by then, but I am praying for some kinda miracle!!

Here is my FRER progression/regression....=(

Beta....

I went for a beta this morning...RE office closes at noon, so I may not get results back today, but at least blood was drawn, and I will likely go back for another draw on wed....Really hoping and praying this sticks!!!

Sunday, September 1, 2013

13 dpo

Here is today's 13 dpo tests


I will go for a beta tuesday or wed, depending on what RE says...For now, I have started some progesterone and prednisone I had left on hand...One day at a time, right?