Monday, October 24, 2016

This time last year...

So many things can change in a year...

This time last year I was hip deep in hormone injections, prepping for our first donor FET. So many questions and fears about how things would go following the transfer... the biggest question being, would it actually work? No one really knew... we prayed it would...

This  year, I'm holding my almost 4 month old twins in my arms.... filled with more joy than I could possibly articulate..

Here is a picture of them together right after we brought them home...


 And then a couple more recent ones...
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Tuesday, July 12, 2016

They are here!!!!

 Long story short ,  The babies are here !!!  I don't have a lot of time to get into the birth story etc.  and my last update was a while ago so there is a lot that is happened in between ,  but basically I ended up developing preeclampsia and had an emergency C-section at 36 weeks and four days ...

 Josiah was born first, at 10:11 am on 7/6/16/  weighing  5 lbs. 7 oz. 19 in long
 Olivia was born at 10:13 Am -  weighing 5 lbs. 3 oz. -  18 inches long

Miss Olivia had to be resuscitated ,  and was doing fine afterwards -  then develop some issues controlling her sugars -  so she's been in the NICU  since the day after birth ...  We are hoping she is discharged today ... I won't even begin to go into how difficult it is to have both babies here,., ugh my heart aches without my baby girl but I know shes getting stronger!!

Josiah  has been doing fantastic -  had some mild feeding issues -  those seem to have resolved considering he gained 4 ounces in 24 hours. ,  and is nearly back to his birthweight!

 I'm on my phone so posting pictures is kind of difficult I'll try to logon to the computer when we are home and settled



 

 



Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Muscular ventricular septal defect...

Those are the words I heard yesterday flow out of the mouth of the pediatric cardiologist following a 3 + hour ultrasound for echocardiogram's for the twins... (Fetal Echo is standard testing for IVF pregnancies) 

Before she even opened her mouth I knew the results were not normal... Between the scan taking a realllyyyy long time to get extra images on Baby A, and the little pad in her hand with a diagram of a heart, and the look on her face... I knew... 

She did a great job of making it sound really "normal" and non threatening, but Inside I was trying so hard not to lose it... I managed to make it to the car before tears came down... 

The good news is, it's a pretty common defect, and has a chance of closing on its own so little Josiah won't need surgery, but there are no garruntees of course. The other positive aspect is we know ahead of time, and can plan accordingly ... 

Of course our hope is that when I go back in 6 weeks for a follow up echo, it's closed and we can just move on... 

But man, it's hard to hear news like that... I just wanted to hear "they both look perfect"... I honestly expected there to be issues at anatomy scan, so once that came back great I let my guard down and just was taken back when there was an issue detected this time around....

So now we just keep praying... And believing that the Lord will heal... 💙

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Anatomy scan...

Holy crap was I a bucket of nerves!!!! 

Yesterday I soent 3 hours getting scanned with the MFM office ...it was amazing to see the babies but also scary, as I didn't get the results until the very end... All that to say... 

They are doing great in there!!! MFM said they have no concerns!! Still a boy and a girl lol... Weighing 12 oz each... 

And my cervix was 3.8 which is pretty good for now! I'm feeling a bit better about everything now... I was so worried about major defects... Now we are really fully celebrating and in full swing with getting things ready for their arrival! 

Here's a couple of the 3D pics :)

This is Josiah ...



And here is Olivia... She was being difficult so we didn't get the best face shot lol 
So in love!!! 💗💙


Saturday, March 12, 2016

We made it!

To 20 weeks! Wow!! 

I'm sitting here in total awe at this journey we have been on... It has NOT been easy... The last 5 years have been without a doubt very hard... And even the last 20 weeks...

I've been hospitalized a few times between kidney infections, the flu, strange high blood pressure etc... The anxiety has been very intense... But every  second has been worth it 100%... 

We have the "big" anatomy scan on Monday... I know things are most likely fine, but I still worry... Also kind of worried my already shorter than it should be cervix will be shorter... But today, no matter what Monday brings, is still a victory ... A miracle.... 

I'm so incredibly thankful for our donors who chose LIFE for their remaining embryos, so we could have a chance to complete our family in a unique way, and get the healing redemption of carrying and giving birth again after so so so many losses...

I'm thankful for every cramp, pain, bout of reflux, sickness, bladder leak... Well , you get the point... I'm thankful to be here... So many nights I tried to grapple with the thought of never getting to experience this again... Forcing myself to try and let go of a dream that didn't seem to be possible... And now, I'm sitting here in tears (of joy) feeling these precious babies move ... 

As far as them not being genetically ours... Honestly I hardly think about it...my step daughter isn't "mine" and I didn't even get to bond with her at birth etc, but I still love her like she is 100% mine... I'll admit, the suspense as to what  they will look like is pretty exciting!  But never once have we ever felt reserved emotionally because they are not genetically ours... In fact both my husband and I seem to be bonding faster this time around simply because the journey was so hard just to get here!  We appreciate the gift of life more than ever before and cherish each moment... 

I still can't believe we are over half way done baking these two babies! I cannot wait to hold them in my arms...

I'll update after our scan on Monday with some new pics of the littles ...

Prayers are appreciated in regards to my body continuing to do what it needs to (keep  them in as long as possible) ...

Saturday, February 13, 2016

The verdict is...

So we went for a private scan today to see the little ones and find out genders ... 

It was such a great experience and soooooo worth the 60 bucks! Lol....

The results.... 

Baby A is... 

And baby B is.... 


We could not be happier!!!

Still settling on names but we are close to  making some final decisions 😆

This is starting to really feel REAL!




Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Each week is monumental... So thankful

It's hard to believe I am just shy of 15 weeks. I honestly never thought we would have made it this far after the last few years and the heart break and chaos... 

But alas... Here I am... Both babies growing strong! Not just one, but TWO! (Thank you God!) 

My heart is nothing but filled with gratitude and love... I am so thankful for these little babies, who are now about the size of a lemon (a bit bigger now) ... I pray for them each day and praise God for sending these precious babies to us...They are absolute gifts..,

But unfortunately this pregnancy has not been 100% easy... Even as early as I am, I've already spent a week hospitalized, do to insane crazy blood pressure (which developed out of nowhere - I've always had low blood pressure) so now I'm on medication for that... My thyroid has decided to go insanely crazy too... And now I'm having teeth issues on a previously root canal crowned tooth requiring pain meds and heavy antibiotics (which of course I don't want to take but I have to) ... But everything that pops up I just keep telling myself it's going to be worth it in the end... No matter what I'm dealing with now I absolutely would go through it again for these little ones... They are worth every single little thing ...

Especially when I look at my growing Belly... I love it!!! I can't wait to be huge and uncomfy... A luxury when it comes to multiple pregnancies. And by that I mean, if you get far enough along to feel that way with no pre term labor etc, it's a blessing! Hoping for that for us, considering we already are contending with high blood pressure etc...

Here's a peek at the belly :) 


(11 weeks vs 13/14 weeks) 


In other news... We are paying for a private scan this weekend- hoping to get a preliminary guess on genders... They also give you a sneak peek at the 4D HD ultrasound! Can't wait! The last time we saw them at the NT scan, they looked so cute!! They look like little babies now... And it's been a few weeks since then, so I'm sure they look even cuter! ...

Here's a peek at them from NT- 

Hopefully we have some better images after the private scan. It's only 60 bucks... Can't beat it really... And if they can't tell the gender with certainty they will bring you back for free for another scan - of course I'm not going to buy anything until everything is confirmed at the anatomy scan at 19 weeks... But it is fun to start looking and thinking of names... And since my husband can't make it to every appointment ( going every 1 to 2 weeks right now because of the complications) it will be neat for him to be able to look at them a Little more in depth... I do get a scan every time I go to the doctors office but it is a very very low resolution ultrasound, and they simply do it just to check the heartbeats instead of using a Doppler. 
 
I however love my Doppler... Im easily able to distinguish between
 the two heart beats, and the peace of mind it gives me is absolutely priceless. You go through a lot of anxiety after many pregnancy losses, and since we've had a second trimester loss in the past, it gets increasingly difficult around these weeks... But I have to say I am feeling much much better...I have even started to feel light movement which is early, but there are two of them in there... Lol 

Anxiety is so much better now... I'm starting to really accept this pregnancy and abandon my fears... I am finally understanding the reality of having TWO in there... It seemed so surreal for so long ... Honestly the full reality won't set in till I am holding them I don't think... But that's typical with even a singleton when you have endured infertility and loss. 

It's strange... Sitting in the OB office yesterday, I still had some pangs of emotion surrounding loss/infertility... Wondering what it must feel like to be blissfully ignorant of all that can happen... I also scanned the room to see if there was anyone sitting there trying not to "see" all of us pregnant people... My heart absolutely aches for anybody who has to be in that position... I will never forget... 

But I have to say it is hard to balance The way that I cope, with being sensitive to others... I swore before I got pregnant , I wouldn't be one of those  posters on social media who updates about their pregnancy etc.... And had we not goine to embryo adoption I probably would be a lot more scaled back. But because so many people have been supportive through this journey with embryo adoption, and quite frankly very fascinated, i've been keeping everyone up-to-date because I get asked so frequently... And also admittedly, it really helps me cope... Cherishing every single moment, taking lots of pictures, etc... That seems to be therapeutic for me, vs  keeping everything to myself, and withholding my emotion. But my heart definitely aches for those who are still struggling... There are a few ladies who would have been pregnant with me had things been different for them, and I pray for them every day because I know what it's like to be on that side... :::sigh::: it's not that I forget, but I have to do what I have to do to survive through this... And for me, that means logging every single thing and living in each moment with pier joy... That means lots of pictures and updates... It means celebrating every single day and every single week... Because it really is monumental...and these babies really are "special snowflakes" lol...

Anyway ...just thought I'd update for you all :) 

We are still here...still going strong! One day at a time, we are getting closer, and closed to holding these precious babies!!!