Monday, June 25, 2012

Still here!

I am still here! Things are going pretty good, as far as our "break" goes. I have not temp'ed in like 2 weeks! It feels so strange...And I have managed to stay away from most of my TTC groups, and have scaled back on posting in general online a great deal...I am trying to focus my time on the things I have before me...At the moment, all of my kids are off from school for the summer, so figuring out ways to keep them busy, keeps me pretty busy! I am also fixing up the house/yard and trying to do all the things I wont be able to do when we finally GET/STAY pregnant with our rainbow....

Yesterday, at church, the message was exactly what I needed to hear...It inspired me to keep trusting in GOD and walking in faith, knowing that he will come through and give us the baby he promised us...Even though my natural eyes see the devastation from our losses, and my heart feels the pain, and I read the statistics of having a take home baby after so many losses...I must keep going....Steadfastly, patiently, trusting in HIM, walking in faith, with endurance and strength, knowing we WILL get our take home baby one day, even if it is not in MY time...I will NOT let fear grip me, and make me doubt...I realized I had endured so much grief and loss, that I lost my center...And began to doubt and stop trusting in the Lord ...This break, is just what I needed to recenter my self in HIM and in his word, and get my strength back up again to walk down the rest of this road....No matter how long and bumpy it may be...We will come out on the other side of this with a miracle baby...And a testimony of faith...

Friday, June 22, 2012

Now I remember why I hate them....

Birth control pills that is....
It has been like 10+ years since I have taken any kind of pills for birth control...I forgot how MOODY they can make you, and emotional...I am crying at the drop of a hat. Even the silliest commercials, I start tearing up at, then laughing to death at myself for crying over something so silly...Man o man....

However, I have been reading some good stories about women who go on birth control to level out the hormones for a bit, before stimming with clomid, or other ovulation inducing drugs. They tend to have a much better response to the medicated cycles following the birth control and many get pregnant. I plan to use femara once we finish out last BCP cycle. I will also use the crazy med cocktail I used last cycle again, just to see....It very well could have been a keeper had it implanted where it was supposed to go. And it was not expensive to do, med wise. We will see I guess!

Anyway....Yea, BC sucks...It will be worth it in the very end though.. I am Hoping and praying....

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Officially diagnosed...

With PTSD Today at my appointment. I have been seeing a counselor for some of the things that I have had to endure, not just in regards to TTC/losses, etc, but in general, I had a traumatic, difficult youth, and had some some very heavy things to over come. I knew I had PTSD a couple years ago, after our 19 week loss...I just never wanted that "label" officially....But talking about it, and going back to reflect, it has brought up many events in my life that were traumatic, and give me flash backs etc. I  plan to work through some of this stuff while I am on break. I have left just about every TTC forum/group I was apart of/owned/created, in a effort to really let go and step away from virtual life and the TTC mind set....I want to renew every part of me, and stop letting the junk and negativity from the craziness of online forums rule my life even in the slightest.... I was apart of too much, for too long...and it over took me and allowed me to obsess on TTC stuff allllll day long...I need a break...for a long,, long, long time...

I will still be updating the blog...But wont be active in the forums, out side of my close knit buddy groups on FF. It's a positive thing. And I believe, it marks the start of a new season, where I really heal, and get recharged for the next time we try.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Feeling lost....

Not really sure what to do with myself today...

It has been 29 months since I started counting down/saving up and getting ready for my tubal reversal....In that time I have poured myself into TR/TTC stuff non stop...I feel Like I have done this for SOoooooooo LONG now it feels foreign to start living life outside of these thoughts. I am just not sure what to do....I can only clean, sing, organize and play with the kids for so long before my mind wanders to the "what if's" that will come after our break is over and "what supps/meds should I take etc"....HOW do I separate from this frame of mind? How do I really "let go" of TTC and focus on "life"??  I just am not sure what to do! I want to really make the most of this time off...but it is soooooooooooo hard when I am broken over the losses... Disappointed with not knowing WHY we lose them, and scared for the future of possibly losing more...I can't seem to let go of this season of my life because I know we were PROMISED another baby...And I just don't know how to have peace till that happens...

Friday, June 15, 2012

Officially

We are officially on a break.

I had my blood work done again this morning, and got the call...beta is <1. FINALLY! I hated having to wait for this to be over before we could move on...As if taking a break is not hard enough, having to wait, and wait before we could even really "break" sucked!. I started bleeding yesterday, and today is even heavier, so I started a new cycle, and started my birth control pills today. It feels so strange to be taking BC again...Almost "wrong"...BUT I know I NEED a break without having to worry about condoms and TTA with charting and stressing on fertile time passing etc...I also need to HEAL, physically and emotionally...That metho shot did a number on my body! ick!
Anyway...Glad it is "over"...Now, to fill my time with things NOT TTC related...lol...

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Beta #

HCG went down to 24 from 62 on Sunday. So Hopefully they will be down to <1 soon!  Not sure what to expect, since I already had a "period" so to speak...Guess we will have to wait and see!

Some days are better than others...

Some days, I feel like letting go and taking this break is going to be the best thing for me...I think of all I will accomplish, and how much I can gain from pouring my energy into my relationships with friends and family and God....I can focus on music, lose some weight, get the whole house ( basement and elsewhere totally organized and clean etc)...I can enjoy the summer without peeing on sticks and making sure our BD timing is perfect...so many freedoms...

Then, some days, I feel like I have been defeated. And it crushes me inside...I think about how it will be at least another year or more before we even have the slimmest chance of  meeting our take home baby...I see all the ladies I was buddies with on various forums, who have already had their babies and are pregnant as well, some for a second  time after a term birth! I cannot believe I am still here....I was always one of the "fertile myrtles" and never had an issue for this long that prevented me from having another baby...It is eye opening, to walk in another woman's shoes, and feel the hurt, and disappointment, and sadness from loss and TTC for months and months on end....I would not wish this on my worst enemy...Not in a million years. This kind of hurt is so deep, and overtaking, it drowns you in the sorrow and bitterness and envy...

I know one day, we will look back and see God hand in most of this...And when we finally have our rainbow, I will know it was the "right time"...I just wish I knew now, why right now, is not the best time, so it would make it a little easier to walk away.

Anyway....Update on ectopic:
I had my labs done last wed, and they came in at 78. They administered the metho shot, and I had my labs done again on Sunday. Those came in at 62. So it dropped down a little. I went in for another beta on Tuesday evening, I should hear back some time today what those results are...Really praying it is dropped down more, and we are a bit closer to 0. I really just want to move on...Every time I try to let go and just live life, I am reminded of this pregnancy, not only from the side effects from the shot, but I can't eat certain things or do certain things till my HCG is neg, so I am stuck, remembering.....Day after day....I just want it to be OVER!!

I never thought I would be excited about starting birth control, but honesty, I think it will be GOOD to know I do not have to worry about protection and abstaining and still charting etc, while we are not TTC. I find even just a little bit of TTC madness ( like charting, even for abstaining reasons) makes me want to just keep trying, and then I am on FF more, and then I get even more bummed out cause  everyone is on a different level...And It makes the depression worse....This way, I can really let go, and just get out of the TTC mind frame for a bit...I am going to adjust my vitamins and supps, go on a nice cleanse, and then south beach diet, to lose  some weight...Start running again etc...If I out as much effort into weight loss as I did TTC, I would have done lost this extra 40 pounds ages ago! LOL...

OK I am rambling...

Thursday, June 7, 2012

My first, official vocal You tube video!

Here is Me, singing a version of one of my fave songs...
I am so totally numb right now...It is not that I am not sad...I am not happy either....It FEELS like Sooooo much has happened in the last few days...I have a hard time almost comprehending the gravity of it all....

I almost in disbelief. I cannot believe I made it to this RE appt and then discovered I had an ectopic none the less...

I was dead set on getting on some birth control, and taking a break right from the start of the appointment. I knew I needed to walk away and take a break. But I never expected I would be "forced" to take one regardless of my feelings, because of an ectopic...

I actually, secretly dreamed , just a couple weeks back, that I would go in to my new RE appt. and be pregnant with my take home baby...I really hoped...This was def not what I had in mind...

BUT, I can take from this as many good things as I choose to...I know I am thankful we found it, as early as we did, before something terrible happened. I am thankful for a new RE who I feel like I can trust a bit better...Not to mention the facility is like being at a high end spa! I mean WOW...They also sent me home with a free book and all this very nice support material...Really shows they "get" the emotional aspect of all of this.

I am Thankful for a church family I can go to for help, and love and support...I am thankful for new doors opening up in my life to help me take the focus off of TTC, for this season. I am thankful that God's word to us about having another baby will not come back void, but it will happen, in HIS time, not mine...I have to learn to be at peace with this right now, or I will just grow bitter and depressed and make nothing out of this time...I want to come back refreshed, and is possible with more strength to carry on and try again, and more HOPE and FAITH than ever before.

I know some hard days will come...We all know they do.  But I will overcome, and come out on the other side of this with grace...I won't let this break me...

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Just when...

I thought it could not get any worse...
it did...

It turns out, not only did I have my 10th loss since TTC this time around, but this last one ended up being ectopic...

I woke up sunday morning and tested, and  got a nice line...Two hours later, began to bleed severely. I marked it as CD1 and chalked it up to a chemical pregnancy. Fast forward 2 days, and I was feeling strange, had strange pain, and the flow of AF had changed and went all whacky...I tested on a whim...to my dismay, it was MUCH darker..

Today...I test again...Darker! Still in a lot of pain.

I had an Appt. with the new RE today. It went very well....We talked about a few different things. First was my darkening lines and bleeding ect. We decided on a u/s in office and a beta HCG at my local lab for today(wed) and Friday.

Next. Basically, There is no other real blood tests to do, as I have had everything done. We talked over my HSG and SIS results. and he said those tend to show only major abnormalities...He suggested we do a hysterscopy, and go in with a small camera to get a better look. I agreed and told him I asked for one 7 months ago at the other RE. Anyway, We then decided that once the current pregnancy situation was resolved, I was going to take a 3 month break, on birth control...And let my body rest, and heal. I agreed, as I just really felt like it was something I needed to do...I left there overall with a good vibe from the new DR, and felt very comfortable.

So I leave and stop at my local lab, and get my beta. I wait a couple hours, and get the cal...
Beta- 78
progesterone -.08
U/S showed normal baseline CD3 type lining, so no chance of pregnancy in Uterus...That coupled with my bad side pain and non existent progesterone they urged me to come in for the methotrexate shot, and confirmed what I felt to be the case anyway...It is an ectopic pregnancy. So I drove back down, and got my injects...yes TWO huge ass needles in my BUTT...OUCH...Got the run down of the side effects and what not to eat and not to take etc...Got some good pain pills, and now I am home, resting, trying to make sense of it all.....

I just think....What if I had just not tested and thought my bleeding was my period...Like many women do...I am thankful I tested...that I listened to my body......I know I saved my tube and even my life....

Friday, June 1, 2012

It hit me...

At about Noon, I  peered up from my laptop to look at the time...I thought to myself, "Hey it is already 12, and so far I have not broken down yet and turned into a teary, raging mess...we are doing good!!"...In fact, I made it till about 3:30...

Then it all came crashing down on me...

I can no longer numb  it...I can't run and hide, or stuff my face with chocolate, while watching 90210 and laughing at the silliness forgetting my pain...I can no longer hide behind positive scriptures and encouraging quotes.....I can't do it....

I got up and tried to do some cleaning, to get my mind off of it all.... But instead, I made it to the sink, turned the water on...Then, dropped to my knees, sobbing...I can't keep pretending this is not ripping me to pieces on the inside...I cannot pretend that I don't feel like a failure. I can't pretend that I am not angry....Angry at  my body...angry at God  for letting me endure all of this pain...Angry at all thr "well meaning advice"  I have been getting...As if the opinions of the 7 different dr's who cannot help or find answers for me was not enough, now I have people online trying to PLAY dr's and "fix me"...I cannot pretend that I don;t want to kill the next person to tell me to "relax and give it to God", as if my faith the last 15 months was not good enough...

I sit here....Trying to type between the tears rolling down my cheeks...Intoxicated with pain.... so deep I can hardly breathe...I don't want to move...

It is as if the the entire last 15 months just flashed through my mind...bringing back all the pain I masked with "Hope"...All the sorrow I held back, so "sure" that the next one would be "it"....It hit me like a ton of bricks....

I am a mess, and I cannot pick up the pieces anymore...I cannot keep going on like this...I just feel like I am trapped in a bad dream, I will never wake up from...

Please God, give me peace to make it through another day...

Well, I was right...

I just "knew" I was feeling so detached from this pregnancy because it would not last...I tried to make myself happy, and get excited...

Last night, before bed, my lines started to fade a bit, I though "Meh, just dilute urine"

Woke up this morning, and have done 4 different tests, and all BFN now...Both first morning and second morning urine...Boobs have lost ALL soreness and fullness, I am cramping like crazy...

I am not as crushed as I was in months past...I guess cause I just had that "feeling" it would not work out, and I numbed myself from it all...

I have NO idea where to go from here...I was so sure all the new meds would make the difference...

I am seeing a new RE June 6th...maybe a fresh set of eyes will do some good...but if after that, we find nothing, I may just stop tracking, stop trying, and have sex, drink, and do drugs and maybe I will get lucky and land a sticky baby...seems to work for so many other who could care less if they have a baby...
=/