Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Graduation day

O9 weeks and 4 days... I had my final scan with the RE... 

Both babies are measuring perfect with heartbeats at 188. They were moving and kicking around in there!! It was awesome!! 

From here on out- I'm to see the OB... I got all my records etc ... Next appt is Jan 11th- then NT scan Jan 18th!! 

I'm so blessed and thankful to be here!!!

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Wow...we have made it to 9 weeks!

I'm so thankful to be here... 9 weeks today... 

When I wrote my last entry it felt like I would never get "here"... It feels rather surreal. 

I found both babies heartbeats on the Doppler this morning. Baby B is much higher and to the left and baby A is tucked down to the right under my pubic bone. It's so wonderful to be able to wake up and hear them - πŸ’— 

I gotuesdsy for my last scan for the RE's -then I won't see the little ones again till the NT scan-with MFM - can't wait for that! They will look so Cute!!! More like babies and not beans. 

I'm feeling... Good- no real symptoms other than some fatigue, mood swings and hunger. I am def expanding in the midsection though. 

I am so thankful for this opportunity - without the gift of embryo donation/adoption I wouldn't be here ...

I am so in love with these snowflake babies πŸ’™πŸ’š

Saturday, December 12, 2015

The anxiety... I almost forgot how hard this was...


When we lost Hannah in 2008, I barely had enough time to grieve before we were pregnant again with Kaitlyn my youngest... I  remember being so excited at first... Then, BAM.... Anxiety... It was overwhelming and debilitating. The surge of bittersweet emotions was too much to articulate... I barely survived. I remember the relief after her birth... It was immense... And almost instantly I had forgotten about the anxiety...

Over the last five years I've been so consumed with just getting to the point of even having a positive pregnancy test, seeing a heart beat, or at the very least just having good betas, that I forgot how hard it is week to week after that... The panic and worry from appointment to appointment ... You forget how hard it is to survive...  Then you feel guilty because you should be enjoying every second of this, after all the begging, pleading, and crying you did praying to just get  "here"... 

I find myself barely existing again... Forcing myself to try and accept that this is different some how... Trying to put on the brave face for everyone else... Faking a smile and telling everyone I feel great, so I don't have to tell them how incredibly scared I am... 

I remember the day of transfer, telling myself it would be different this time... That I wouldn't allow myself to feel this way... How incredibly naΓ―ve... Like I had any control over this at all?! It's not like I haven't been through this before... And yet somehow I was able to convince myself I wouldn't struggle as much this time... Of course things are definitely different with twins ...More risks... More possibilities... 

At this point I'm just counting down the moments to each appointment and trying to breathe... 

And don't get me wrong I am so incredibly blessed to even be feeling this way... I remember the intense heart ache, when I would give anything to have this kind of anxiety, because at least there would be a little bit of hope... But it's hard... And overwhelming... And crippling ... And very very hard to explain to those who don't understand...

3 more days until the next scan... 

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Overjoyed!!

We had another scan today. The doctors schedule had changed so they moved my ultrasound up ...

I was so nervous... This was kind of a "big" one considering we hoped to see heartbeats... 

And ... We did!!! Two heartbeats!!! Babies are measuring great!!! Omg! We are having twins!!!! 


Friday, December 4, 2015

One more step closer...

I finally made it past the furthest I have been in the last five years... Today is 5w6d!! 

It's kind of surreal actually.... So many emotions and anxieties... I really can't properly articulate it right now...

We had an early scan yesterday at 5w5d... It actually went good!!! 

In the past when I even made it to ultrasound I always measured a week behind... Or it was tubal etc... 

I'm pleased to say things are measuring. Good!!! And.... There's two!!!


I go back next Thursday for a repeat and hopefully there are heart beats for both!! :) 

Monday, November 23, 2015

Beta #2 ...

Came in at 226!! 😁😁😁

Feeling like this is real!!!

Friday, November 20, 2015

Beta #1

Is...,

74!

I'm not even eight days past transfer until this afternoon!!

Seem like a really good start!!! 

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Holy progression Batman!!


So I've been holding off on taking my other first response test... I wanted it to be a little bit closer to the 48 hours so that you could see a difference... This was about six hours shy of 48 hours apart... And oh my...

The top test was taken at around 2 PM on five days post transfer- bottom test was taken at 8:30 AM this morning, not even technically seven days past transfer....

Beta will be tomorrow.., but my clinic doesn't get results until the second drawl which is Monday... Going to be a long weekend!!! 😁😁😁

But I'm feeling really good about things!! 

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Yay!!!!

It worked!!!

5 days past 5 day transfer...

Tests taken with no hold...


Friday, November 13, 2015

I am now PUPO!!!!


Sorry for the lack of updates I was so busy updating everybody on Facebook and on my fertility friend groups... also the wife I was kind of crappy at the hotel so it was hard for me to do a lot of things with uploading pictures etc.... 

The trip was amazing!!! Omg... I'll have to do a separate post just for the pictures... But here's one...



We got into Reno the evening of the 11th... Got a bite to eat and gambled a little bit...lol... We didn't win anything but we didn't lose much either. Then hit the sack. I had a really hard time sleeping... I have been up at 2 o'clock that morning and was up at 2 o'clock on day of transfer too... 

Thursday was just a huge ball of emotions... We tried to keep ourselves busy and round around the Peppermill, ate some amazing food at the island buffet, and by the time we were sorted with getting souvenirs for the family, it was time to head back to the hotel and start filling my bladder! 

I got to the clinic about 1:30 PM... I think I drink a bit too much water... Kept having to release a little bit so that I didn't Per my pants!! Lol!! 



Finally around 2:15 , dr. came in...

Out of the 13 day three blastocysts we had, only three made it to day  five. All the others arrested. We transferred at the very to best, One was almost fully hatched and the other one looks like it was getting ready to. The third one was expanded and was going to be frozen, that will be put back with the other two day fives that we left on ice. 

Here are the two we put in!! 






So as of yesterday, I am PUPO!!!

Now we pray... And wait.... 





Friday, October 30, 2015

Lining update-

Has my second scan today... 

Lining was 9mm , ovaries quiet!! Yay!! 

Transfer officially scheduled for 2pm November 12!!! 

I'm so excited!! After everything we have been through... this might actually work!!! 

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Getting close!!

16 days until transfer day!!!!

I do my 3rd estradiol valerate injection today, and have my lining check Thursday.
Things are moving along nicely, and we are getting so excited!!!

:)

Monday, October 12, 2015

Monday, October 5, 2015

Paid in full!

Cycle fees are paid! Woohoo! That's a great feeling! :) 

I cannot wait for November!!!

 We have told all of our immediate family, and close friends. Everyone is getting so excited!! Nothing but support from everyone we have told... Many people are hoping for twins! I admittedly am as well... πŸ’— 

Our teens want to come with us to transfer... Lol... Def not! But it's so sweet to see them involved, excited and wanting to get educated. My oldest said even if she has NO infertility issues, she still wants to adopt embryos in the future... So sweet!! πŸ’— 
Hopefully this thanksgiving we have a little extra be be thankful for!' 😁 

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Sigh of relief

Of course this was mostly a formality, but nonetheless I was a little bit nervous... 

We had to have a psychological evaluation done in order to proceed with the embryo donation/adoption process. It is something that my clinic requires when using third-party reproduction. 

I went Thursday with my husband,  we met a lovely lady who specializes in these sorts of evaluations. I'm not sure why I was really even nervous... I guess it was just one of those things. I mean there was a chance she could say that we were not ready for this... I mean what if she just didn't like us? Of course in hindsight those worries seem silly. But hindsight is always 2020 isn't? 

The meeting started and we began to just share with her a little bit about who we are as a couple and as a family. She asked a lot of very deep and probing questions, especially after learning about all of my consecutive losses. It felt good to be able to answer her with assurance about like girls since all of that .

You see I have done a lot of growing in the last year and a half to two years since we really stopped with treatments. I went through about a year of intense grief where I was extremely better and angry(i'm sure you could see it in every post).. I wasn't thankful for what I had in my life and I was not sure that I would ever feel that way again... It's not because I didn't see the blessings that I had, it was because the grief overshadowed everything so very much.... It was all consuming and so very heavy...  Then over the last year and a half , I had a crazy health scare, it's was a result of some of the immune medications that I was taking. There was a period of time where they thought I might've had lymphoma... That really redirected my entire frame of mind. Suddenly everything had so much value... And at the end of the day I didn't care whether we had another baby or not, I was happy to be alive. I was happy with my family and everything around me ...Then about six months after that I begin the journey to really start dealing with at the deep grief and hurt and envy and jealousy... It was not easy to see the ugliness ... But I sucked it up and decided I needed to deal with this. 

And then... embryo adoption fell in our lap...(well actually we almost did IVF with donor sperm but I had absolutely no peace about it- I kept going back to embryo adoption) 

All that to say, it felt good being able to tell her all the things that I went through in the process that it took to get me where I am today. It took a lot of tears and sitting on my good friends couch pouring out my heart, and  listening to some very hard advice. I felt like it was an accomplishment to be able to sit there and fully articulate everything we went through and how I/we got on the other side of it, emotionally. 

Then we moved on to some other very difficult questions as to how we would deal with questions from strangers and exactly how are going to deal with telling the child about their origins. You see some people decide that they just don't even want to tell the children that they are not genetically theirs... I couldn't imagine being untruthful... Or hiding the story that is so very precious... Our snowflake babies story is going to be so incredibly special, it would be a tragedy to try and lie about it. 

The counselor explained that because we have a blended family already we have already dealt with some of those strange questions that come from others, and The emotional aspect of having children that are already not genetically ours together. Not that it's ever been an emotional strain on us ever... For us genetics just don't matter.  She also validated how incredibly healing it would be for me to have a pregnancy go to term in my own body. Which is nice to have somebody else validate those feelings. 

At the end of the meeting we asked her if there was anything we should be concerned about or if there was anything she was concerned about in regards to us, decision to adopt embryos and bring one into the world. I'm pleased to say she said "you know I rarely ever say this but I actually have no concerns whatsoever"... We walked away feeling so excited and very very happy! Not  Just because we got the stamp of approval, but also because she saw in us all of the things that we bring to the table as parents, even with limited information she could see how incredibly important it was for me to have a pregnancy go to term even if it wasn't genetically mine... She could see how important this is to us... She realized that this wasn't just a means to an end, but something we really feel like we are being called to. 


I certainly don't believe God brought any of the last 4 1/2 years on me for A reason , but I do believe he works all things together for the good, and in this instance he led us to embryo adoption/donation... If I hadn't have gone through everything that we did in the last few years, my heart would have never been ready to do something like this... 

And at the end of the day this Isn't  just us having another child, we are being blessed with an opportunity to give a child a life that it otherwise wouldn't have... A precious precious baby that was chosen by God, Who could be the next Mother Teresa or the next president... I am ever grateful for the donors who decided to put up their much wanted and much love to embryos... Their gift is one of the most amazing things I've ever experienced in my life. And while we don't know whether or not this is going to work, we are walking into this with hope and faith. 


I don't think I've ever felt this much peace in my entire life and especially not in the last 4 1/2 to 5 years... It's like I can breeze and I can see clearly. I'm not anxious or worried about the outcome... I'm just so thankful to have the opportunity at all. 

Saturday, September 26, 2015

We have a date!

Everything is set for a transfer on November 12!! I'm on the pill right now, as soon as I'm done with this pack and a half shows I go for my baseline and then I start meds!! 

This is actually going to happen!! 

Monday, September 14, 2015

Getting closer!

The move went well... Still trying to unpack and get into a new routine. Only moved 2 miles away but it feels like my whole world has been flipped upside down. 

My medication came in the other day... 

I really wish I was starting my injections this month! But of course one thing after another has come up and our regular finances have not been able to facilitate putting down the rest of the money for our FET. I'm really hoping the check I am waiting for comes sooner rather than later so that we can do a late October early November transfer. 

It seems so close but still so far away... 

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

We adopted!!

We "adopted" this week...

A batch of embryos!!

We decided earlier this year to look into embryo donation/adoption.... Instantly, we felt that was the "right" decision for us... However, we decided to look into ALL other options again before we went forward.... We ALMOST did IVF with donor sperm (which would also bypass the HLA issues) but after further discussion with my husband we BOTH felt donor embryo/embryo adoption was the best possible option for us to result in a take home baby. And, after further discussion with Dr. Braverman (our old Reproductive immunologist) he agreed that it was the choice that offered the most chance of success...

After all of that, we had to decide on which clinic/program we wanted to use. For those who do not know (which will be a vast majority of you), you can obtain donated embryos through various methods. There are agencies, like Miracles waiting who will help match you with a donating family, based on yours and their search preferences. Then there are self matching sites like the NRFA, where you can add a profile and do your own matching, as well as various online group sites that offer the ability to privately match. Then there are the clinics who use  anonymous donated embryos (meaning you wont ever meet to contact the donating parents) and you use that clinic for the transfer etc... There is ALSO what they call double donor embryos, where they use donated sperm and eggs to make a embryo for you.

We chose to use a anonymous clinic program. I was between my local clinic and one in NV... After some dealing with the local clinic, we decided to use the one in Nevada, and I am SO glad we did!! They are awesome, and you get way more for your money! So after choose the clinic, we had to become "patients"  VIA a phone consult. After that we were given the list of embryos, and got to choose. After narrowing down our choices to 3, we had a follow up phone consult to go over each batch and decide on one.... And we did!!!  Then it was sign and notarize some forms and now...

I'm pleased to announce we are now the proud parents of a batch of snowflakes!!!!

We are hoping to cycle in October!! We will be transferring two 5 day embryos and then, praying like crazy!!!

FINALLY, after nearly 5 years, we have a viable, feasible option that offers a decent chance at a take home baby!! SO excited for this fall!!

Thursday, January 29, 2015

So Pretty...

Of course, I have been doing this long enough (57 cycles now) to know that a pretty chart means nothing when it comes to pregnancy/baby, and especially in OUR case, it means literally nothing...BUT, still...Look at that!



I started tracking my cycles again with temps this month...Its been a while since I actually used my BBT therm.... I wanted to see where I was at cycle wise with managing my PCOS and IR issues and make sure I am documenting my luteal phase and ovulation days to see if we get any progress with balancing those out now that I am taking the metformin again....I kind of miss charting now that I am back at it again...It helps me feel a bit more in the "know" and feel in control... And to be honest, I KINDA started back at it again too, because we have stopped "preventing" again, and are just "seeing what happens"...Its probably a stupid move on my part, but at this point, why not? I have not been had any traumatic losses (that lasted more than 3 days worth of positive tests before bleeding started, and I wouldn't have even known had i not tested) in the last year and a half, since our 4th ectopic that took my tube, and I don't really have anything to lose by just letting nature take its course with both my cycles, and whatever pregnancy may or may not try to "implant"... But every now and again, when I see a pretty chart like this, I day dream about how great it would be to be given an amazing miracle of a sticky bean, with NO immune meds...BUT seriously, its wayyyyy more likely there will be peace in the east, than for us to get a take home baby trying "on our own"...LOL...

Other than this pretty chart, I don't have much to write about, other than a few of the new alternative medicine and therapies I have been using in the last month to manage some of my existing conditions and symptoms related to those...BUT, I will be making a separate post about that to fill you all in on what I am doing, how it is working etc...I am pretty excited to share with everyone, but I wanted to have a FULL month under my belt of supplements and treatments before I started singing too many praises and putting my cart before the horse...

I hope the rest of this week brings blessings and good news to those who are still in their journey to a take home baby, and much rest to all the new mommies out there! 

Love and hugs
Meg

Monday, January 5, 2015

January 4th

Merry Christmas and happy new year to everyone!! I hope this years holiday season was filled with more joy than tears for all of you! 

Just wanted to write a quick post and spill out some of my feelings somewhere...I am aware most of the readers I had before probably aren't even keeping up anymore...so this is really just a therapeutic place for me to vent at this point...anyway...

January 4 is always a hard day for me...it would've been my father's 61st birthday, and should have been Hannah's seventh birthday...but neither of them are here on this earth to celebrate ... Both were taken far too soon... 

To top it off, I started AF that day, which only reminded me that my body is broken...that I will never bring forth life again from my womb...it doesn't help that there are new babies all around the church too...I am not so bitter anymore that I can't be happy for them, I truly am... I just hate the odds at which we have been faced with. And I'm not sure the pain associated with that will ever go away. 

I did however conquer a little bit of a fear I had, despite the day starting off emotional and difficult...for the first time in almost 2 years, I sang with the worship team at church. I'm not going to go into details about why this was such a big deal for me, other than lightly touching on the fact that our previous church had laid on us a bunch of hurtful things, that was detrimental to us ever serving in the body of Christ again, so the fact that we are even attending another church to begin with, let alone starting to serve in ministry is a huge deal! After church was over I felt really good...I felt accomplished, because I never thought I would be up there again...

But by the time I got home my heart was aching again... No matter how many good things I tried to meditate on, and no matter how many wonderful things happen, my heart just hurts...

It has become clear to me through the years that no matter how much time passes my heart will never fully heal...No matter how much I try to make myself 
Move on, it never works... 

There will always be a part of me that cries for  what "should" have been... For my Dad...For Hannah... For ALL our babies ... 

January 4 should've been a great day of celebration... But instead, it's just another day that Reminds me you're not here...