Saturday, June 29, 2013

Metho hell...

I really, truly loathe methotrexate....

After the second round, I started to experience some nasty side effects...Last night I ended up at the ER...My hands and legs were going numb, my bones ached, and I was having dizzy spells where I would pass out...NOT cool...They ran a ton of tests and all was well, they said it was probably just a bad reaction to the metho...Lovely..Like I needed more crap to deal with...My HCG still was not going down as of last night either...=/
I am so sick of this craziness....

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Beautiful things...

If there is one thing I have learned over the course of my life, is that no matter how bad things are, or how dark and dismal things seem... God can turn them into something beautiful...I am believing for something beautiful to emerge from this journey of pain...

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

“Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”



Saturday, June 15, 2013

One step forward, two steps back....


I had a couple good days...Then, some hard ones...I hate that I cannot count on how I will feel from one day to the next, or one moment to the next even...I hate how little things will trigger such a deep pain in my heart, it feels as though I might just pass out...Then, some moments I am totally "fine" and motivated, feeling good...Laughing with with kids etc...Like there is not a care in the world...Followed by, just a few short hours later, dealing with depression, and sadness that I cannot describe, as I feel the weight of the last 2 and a half years...And the weight of never being able to carry and birth another live baby again....That just crushes my soul. I never  realized before walking through all of this, how lucky I was, and awesome that  experience really was...God I would give anything to do it again, and have a baby in my arms at the end...::sigh::

I thought for a couple days I was "ok" with having to move on, but I am clearly not...I am having a much harder time than I even was initially...

One step forward, two steps back...

Friday, June 14, 2013

Even if....

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/kutless-even-if-lyrics.html ]
Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come 


Wednesday, June 12, 2013

close, but no cigar...

Went for another beta...HCG is down to 33...I was hoping it would be neg already, but nope... I have to go back in a week for a redraw. Hopefully by THEN, I am at 0...I just want to finally move on from this darn nonsense =/

Monday, June 10, 2013

Going down

Finally, things are starting to resolve...HCG is going down...Was at 52 this morning (Had my draw done at 7 am when the lab opened). Just got the call from my nurse, while I was checking the portal. I will go back wed for another draw.

Feeling a bit relieved to see the light at the end of the tunnel with all of this...I really want to get back to "normal". Well, a new normal anyway...

I think the zoloft is kicking in a bit...

DH said he can tell a "difference"...AKA- I am not a raging, crying, hormonal jerk...LOL..I guess that is good. I feel a little numb, but I guess that is the point? At least I am able to motivate myself to do the housework and what not...Now, to get myself motivated to eat better and exercise...Going to give myself another week or so before I tackle that...I would like to be officially, "not pregnant", and recovered a little more, before I start to go all crazy with myself...



Saturday, June 8, 2013

Grief

“Grief is like sinking, like being buried. I am in water the tawny color of kicked-up dirt. Every breath is full of choking. There is nothing to hold on to, no sides, no way to claw myself up. There is nothing to do but let go.

Let go. Feel the weight all around you, feel the squeezing of your lungs, the slow, low pressure. Let yourself go deeper. There is nothing but bottom. There is nothing but the taste of metal, and the echoes of old things, and days that look like darkness.” 

Thursday, June 6, 2013

New group-

   In the midst of all of this grief and bad news and what not, I have been left feeling  a bit isolated and lost and with nowhere to really go for support online, without pregnancy or TTC chatter- As much as I LOVE the women in these groups, (and I created a few groups, both on FB and BBC so I have really come to know some of the women well, and really consider them friends), it KILLs me, each time I skim the posts, to know that part of our journey is over, and didn't end the way it should normally end...With a baby in our arms... I just needed a place to go that I could vent and have other's undertsnad the pain of having to really move on from this part of life, and the dreams of what we imagined our family being...

Don't get me wrong, I am sooo happy for those that get to keep trying with every hope of a baby, I would give anything for that, and would never wish anyone to be in this situation. And, I am so happy for those that have tried and have finally gotten their precious bundles of joy, I wish the joy of motherhood for everyone longing to have that opportinity, and of good sound mind to do it...BUT...It just HURTS to have that all taken away from you, and sometimes you need other people you can relate to, that have walked at least a quarter mile in the same kinda shoes...

So, I looked for some groups online that were for those moving on from TTC, and could not really find any..So I decided to start one on BBC and FB...I have already seen a great response, and I am so glad to have some amazing, strong, couragous women to relate to and help keep me semi sane through this very hard transition...To be honest, I find I get more support from these  who "get it" than any counselor or therapist who just takes my money and tells me to be "happy with what I have and find a new hobby"...LOL...Anyway-


Here are the links-

Empty arms and broken hearts BBC group 

Empty arms and broken hearts private FB group

Please feel free to share these groups with anyone you know who may be looking for support like this, after deciding to be done TTC for whatever the reason may be. 

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

And another blow...

I messaged Dr. B with the results of today's beta, and told him I got the metho inject etc. He said it was a good choice,  and to let him know how things go with it resolving...I replied, and thanked him for his concern etc and then asked what our chances of ever carrying to term were without treatments, This was his response in not so many words....He said we should not TTC without IVF and immune treatments- The chances of ever carrying to term without meds is extremely low,  as in zero. He would not consider letting me do an immune cycle without IVF for risk of another ectopic since I have had 3 now ...So  even IF we managed to ever get enough money to cycle with immune meds, ( which was already out of reach financially) we will never have enough for IVF and he won't let me cycle unless I do IVF ...So we are done, done....
Words cannot express how much more this made today suck....
=(

shot up

Went in for my beta today- it went up but not appropriately again, and that combined  with the mass they saw on ultrasound they decided to give me the methotrexate inject. I got one shot in each hip ( it is measured out by weight when administered- my fat ass needed more meds than one inject could hold), and some pain meds, and was on my way....

\While on my way home,  I was in the middle of crying and being depressed because I just killed my baby, that probably would have stuck had it not been in my damn tube, I forgot to put on my blue tooth while talking to DH, in my emotional state...Of course, I drive RIGHT by a sheriff, who proceeds to pull me over and give me a ticket even after I told him the circumstances....

Feeling so empty and crushed today....
=(

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Forcing myself...

Not to sink into a deep, dark depression....I just know that is where I am headed if I don't act fast...It has been YEARS since I have been in in a state like this...I hate it...I really hate it...

Yesterday, while sitting in the RE office, bawling my eyes out, so frustrated and heartbroken, I realized... I am just not going to be "ok" for a while, and that is okay...However, I was brought back to the thought of driving off the side of the road on the way  to the DR's office that morning, it seemed almost tempting, and at that moment, I knew I needed to ask for some help...I was not being rational...I was not coping on my own very well....

I asked for some info on counseling (specifically for infertility grief)  and they gave me a RX for some Zoloft, to help take the edge off for the next few months...I normally would NOT take meds... I endured loss after loss after loss for the last 2+  years and didn't take anything to cope, because I didn't want to be "on" anything if and when we got pregnant...This time is different...I don't have to worry about meds effecting TTC in the next cycle or a baby......This time I can focus 100% on getting ME better, for ME, not for another pregnancy/baby dream...That's kind of a hard concept to grasp, and hang on to when I loathe myself/my body at the moment...The last thing I want to do is "pamper" this Piece of shit body, who can't seem to do what it was created to do! It allows me to GET pregnant with perfect, beautiful babies, just so it can KILL them...I hate it...It makes me sick...

But somehow, I have to find a way to love myself/my body again...I am hoping it won't take too long to get out of this funk...I don't like how I feel, or think right now...I don't like what this journey has done to me, and who it has made me...In some ways I am stronger and better, but in many more ways, I am so broken, hurt and mangled inside...I feel like I have shattered in a million pieces...

I know God is here with me through all of this- And One day, It wont hurt as bad...But right now, it seems like the pain is overtaking and never ending....

Also,
Thank you to all who pulled for us and prayed for a miracle even when things seemed bleak, and those who believed for me when I had no hope and encouraged me through it all...Thank you, thank you, thank you!...I wish this was ending with a better outcome...But none the less, compassion from those of you who have reached out to me on here is priceless, and means so very much to me....

Monday, June 3, 2013

OMG, come ON!!!!!

HCG was 121 (doubling time of 75 hours) progesterone less than 1...Ultrasound this morning, showed a "possible mass" on tube, but it was too small/early to really tell exactly what "it" was...But there was nothing that would indicate a viable pregnancy in the uterus as the lining is thin and nothing could even stick in there...RE wants me to do one more beta draw on wed- and if they have not dropped on their own I will get the metho shot that morning....Ugh- I am so frustrated~!!!! I just want this to be OVER!!!! ::cry:::

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Saying goodbye to my dreams...

I have had a pretty rough day today- Really starting to hit me we wont ever have a rainbow baby again...I am starting to pack away my maternity, and baby stuff....Decided to throw out the vision board out in the rain too...Just seemed fitting...



Saturday, June 1, 2013

Limbo land...

OK so today's beta was 78-

Braverman called me personally with the results, even though they said they wouldn't be managing me anymore, he is willing to help me along side  my RE to manage this all to the end whatever it may be, which is nice, I guess.....I did stop the neupogen though as I don't have any left- I am not wasting it on this pregnancy and if by some miracle is sticks then well it does.......anyway... He said that I should be ok in term of rupture since the HCG is so low IF it is ectopic- But he said because the numbers have consistently doubled appropriately, (DT of 27 hours last two draws) they cannot discount it being a uterine pregnancy either, despite passing all sorts of "stuff" yesterday and heavy bleeding...He said he has seen a healthy baby result from a situation almost identical to mine- so there is a slim chance- he said the probability of it being viable is small, but things can happen- I am not convinced with my progesterone being less than 2 now...so I to keep taking progesterone, and go for another beta monday- and every 2 days till I get to around 800-1000 HCG-  then I go for a ultrasound to try and find placement- If before then at any time my HCG does not double properly then I am to get the metho shot ASAP.  or If I experience any severe pain, go to the ER etc....
Ugh this limbo is NUTS! I am not expecting this to end well- not at all...
=/