Friday, April 27, 2012

Update on Accu-

I think it went good...Basically I have some issues with my spleen chi and some mild PCOS type stuff...She wants me to go gluten free. I will also be on Chinese herbs, that I can take in conjunction with the meds my DR has RX me. I will do Accu every 10 days. I think the hardest part about all of this will be going gluten free....
OMG How am I going to do that!!??
I guess my next step is doing some serious gluten shopping, and getting a cupboard of my very own to put the things I can eat in it...It is going to be sooooo hard...I am going to make my husband do it as well to see if his migraines let up.
Well, here we go! I am starting Monday! Time to gather my food and get ready!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Acupuncture today!

Today I go for my fist acupuncture appt! I cannot wait!!!!! I need some relaxation for sure! I  will be sure to update and let you all know what she says and what the game plan is...
Also, My chart is looking so freaking amazing!!! Temps are higher than EVER before! I was so stoked to see my temp this morning!!  Of course I know it means nothing...I could have a beautiful chart and still get nadda....Not that I would be totally crushed anyway, sine we had wanted to abstain this month anyway, but got to carried away to stick to it! ha! still, a part of me hopes that this would be "IT" and we snag a take home baby when I least expect it, on a whacky late O cycle after m.c....yea...I am def dreaming! LOL....Don't wake me just yet though....

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

While I'm waiting...

Another great day!!

Yesterday was such a great day! I felt good all day long, got a LOT accomplished, and got some really great news about some things we have been praying for in regards to my children's school...I also got my roof fixed  (LONG over due!)!

Today Has started out really good too! I have dinner plans with some amazing ladies, and beautiful friends this evening,  and made plans to see an amazing worship leader Kathrine Mullins for Friday eve and I have my accu  treatment set for Thursday! Yay!!...This whole week has come together so nicely!!

Then I decide to go to wal mart and pick up my RX for estrace and prometrium...I was fully prepared to shell out the 60 bucks for my RX, like normal...BUT to my surprise, I get up there, they scan my meds and I only owe 7 bucks!?? I was shocked, and even asked if there was a mistake!? They then informed me that they now carry a generic for prometrium!!!! heck yea!!!!!!! That totally made my day!!
LOL...I know it sounds silly, but It was really cool....So i decided to celebrate and take the  money i was going to spend on my RX and buy a couple new shirts! LOL
Yup...this week seems to be going so well! I am praying the trend keeps up!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Feeling good...

Which is a very strange feeling. I have been in a fog for a while now, and just kind of "making it through" day to day the best I could. But the last few days have been good. I was thinking it could be due to being in the TWW, and having something to kind of look forward too...Or maybe the upcoming acupuncture appt. I have more energy, and motivation as well. It could very well be the metformin kicking in a bit, and making me feel better too. Hey, I don't care what the reason is, I feel good! I will take it when ever I can!!! I cherish days where I can sit down and not feel like bawling the second my thoughts enter my mind...Where I am not living moment to moment, trying to just exist....
Today is a Good day...I am thankful!

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Yay! Crosshairs...Finally!

THAT was a LONG wait to ovulate! Holy cow. I have never been this delayed. even in the cycles after my D&E after out 19 week I am just shocked this last loss threw me off so much. I mean I knew it was a possibility, which was why I started charting after breaking for a few days. I had this funny feeling I would O late . Of course, out of all the cycle to be delayed! ugh! I am going to start prometrium tomorrow just for the sake of routine, so there is a good amount of lining to be shed when AF comes, so I get cleaned out well before the next real TTC cycle. I am going to really maximize every opportunity...Also, Incorporate the acupuncture.

It will be ssooooooo nice to put this cycle to rest in 9 or o days...And  just move on...I hate post loss cycles...I AM feeling really good since starting metofrmin though, so I am hoping between that and the med cocktail and tons of prayer,  this next month brings us a take home baby! I am sooo ready for this!! almost 14 months TTC, and many losses later, I just want to get our rainbow baby finally!

One day at a time...I know....

Friday, April 20, 2012

Here it is!!! My Vision Board.

I still have a few finishing touches, and some stuff to do here and there, but the majority is DONE!


Today, is the day my friends and I set aside time to make out vision boards. I am really excited about it! I had printed out some pics, and scriptures, and we have magazines and stickers and all sorts of FUN stuff to put on there! I normally am not too "crafty" with stuff like this, but I am going to do my BEST...I cannot wait to see how it turns out! I will be posting pics later so watch out for it!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Maybe, Just maybe!

I might finally be ovulating!! Good grief this cycle has been wacky! I thought for sure I O'ed on CD 16, but then my temp never went up...then I started to gear up to O again and the last few days I swore each one was o day because of the ovary pain and + OPK's/EWCM etc...I did not even plan on using OPK's this cycle but because my temps have been crazy and I had not O'ed yet I got curious. I think tomorrow I will finally see that good temp rise! This afternoon my CM has dried out and should be turning to post O by later tonight... I have never had my cycle thrown off so much before after a loss. This last one really did my body in...Praying it heals well...Praying this really IS Ovulation so i can get on with it already!

We had planned on "abstaining" this cycle, so I would be all healed and ready for one more medicated cycle. But, have been "enjoying each other" with no pressure from my fertile window just spontanious fun...Just so happens we have gotten a few days of BD in there we will see. I Prayed and told God, I do not want to get pregnant, unless it is my take home baby! I just don't! I really wish we could use "protection" so I would not even have to worry about it, but condoms irritate me, and there nothing I can take that wont mess me up more...This cycle was impossible to time fertile period too, so Looks like I am just going to have to trust God in it...And Pray for the best.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

New med to add to the list

I went in for my first of 4 appts with the MANY physicians I am seeing right now. Today was my appt with my primary DR. Just went over the basic, Blood pressure, weight etc. I got some blood work done for my thyroid and blood sugars. Thyroid should be OK, as I just had that checked not long ago,  but I will be waiting for the blood sugar results. I have been monitoring my own levels at home with a glucometer, and have had some pretty high readings now and again, after meals and borderline fasting levels..That coupled with my other symptoms of slight insulin resistance/PCOS, they decided to FINALLY give me a RX for some metformin. I have been doing some reading and met seems to be a great thing for those of us who struggle with this. I have been asking my RE to RX it for me for months, but he said he does not feel I have PCOS cause I do ovulate on my own, however I disagreed and luckily so did this new primary DR. So I am on 500 mgs twice a day. I am hoping this will help things along in our TTC efforts, and maybe even help with my weight loss. I also did some reading and it said that women with PCOS have a MUCH lower risk of miscarriage when taking metformin VS not taking it. So that in itself brings some hope. I know I may not have bad PCOS, but I def know I have a mild version of it, and who knows if that has played any part in my losses...I have a sneaky feeling it does. How awesome would it be to finally get that take home baby after adding something so simple..and CHEAP to my list of meds! Here is hoping!! At the very least, it should make my Ovulation a bit better and hopefully stunt the growth of the nasty facial hair I seem to have now...freaking hormones!

Now, next stop, the acupuncturist on the 26th! Then the OBGYN, and  the RE....One down, 3 more appts to go!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Vision Board...

I had a good friend message me the other day, and she had sent me some info on doing Vision Boards for things we are trying to gain in our lives, be it, writing more books, getting married, having a baby or school, hobbies... etc It can be a great tool for waiting on things to be completed or happen even when it can get hard or take a while. She suggested we get together and do it as a group of a couple gals, each with our individual goals, but together a team , looking for a way to really solidify our dreams....I LOVED the idea!!

So, I have been trying to sit down and really examine and sift through and write down what the vision I believe God is/has spoken to me, and what I feel I am supposed to be living out in regards to having another baby. I am doing this not only to halp my self with positive visualization, but I am also doing like they talk about in  Habakkuk 2:2.

"Then the LORD replied: "Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it."

I figure, not only could  this be totally therapeutic for ME, but it can also help me remember what the vision is, to keep focus on those hard times.

You may ask, what IS a vision board??

Typically, a vision board is a large poster board on which you paste your wishes and wants, which are represented from clippings from magazines, books, newspapers or various sources. For instance, my “I wanna be a published book author” vision board has a cocktail napkin on it. The napkin says, “Never let a few facts stand in the way of a good story.”..and so on and so forth.

Here is an example of someone else's Vision Board...

(This is NOT mine...I will post mine when it is finished)

Cool Right!??? 

So, I have been compiling quotes, scriptures and pics, and we have some magazines to clip from and boards etc! I am so excited! We set a time on Friday to do this, so I hope to have it completed by the end of the week! I will be sure to post a pic too!!

Sunday, April 15, 2012


After a really LONG day...I finally have a few mins to sit and sift through my thoughts...which are rather scattered and at the moment....Bare with me.

 How am I going to get through the next few months while TTC?...Also, what on earth am I going to do once I actually GET pregnant and STAY that way??

 I certainly do not want live the entire time in FEAR and anxiety, always worried about what may or may not happen...I did that with my Daughter Kaitlyn's pregnancy...I was constantly worried and so anxious. Actually I have lived a great deal of my life dealing with fear of some kind...That's a whole other story. Regardless, the losses have taken away so much JOY from pregnancy...
 I know That I will always have some measure of pessimism because of all I have experienced...Or maybe It would be a lack of innocence? which ever way you prefer, I know I will experience it to some degree...BUT I want to enjoy it, and have peace...I want to be still inside....

I got some advice today...By someone I love dearly and respect a lot.... It was as simple as "take a break for a year, and heal"....Sounds REALLY simple, and feasible, and reasonable even...But I cannot fathom walking away from this journey...

No, not yet. I began this Journey because of what God did for me, and through me, time and time again, to confirm to me, this is what I am supposed to do...I cannot give up. No matter how reasonable it may sound to sit back on the side lines and try to forget about it all.....I feel like taking a "break" is giving up...I feel Like I need to give it one more shot, and if then, it does not work out...I will re evaluate where I am at...

Then I go back and forth in my head...wondering, if maybe I am just diluted and going insane...trying again and again expecting a different result...maybe I should let go, and just forget about it....

But then my heart screams...
"NO!....NOT yet"....and then hope whispers..."Try one more time"....

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Private recurrent M/C group...

Just wanted to share with you all the page for the Private TTC and dealing with recurrent M/C's support group...For those interested, it is PRIVATE, so none of your FB friends will see what you post unless they too are apart of the group...It is a place for ladies with similar backgrounds to come together and support each other!

Click here

Monday, April 9, 2012

Awesome Magazine!

For those  struggling after a loss, Here is a awesome resource for you....
Introducing "Still Standing magazine...Embracing life after a loss"....

Please GO to FB and "like" them and sign up for the newsletter! I cannot wait to see what comes form this!! They will be up and running really soon, but for now, check out their FB page!!

Still Standing

So far so good...

Today has been Ok...No real big breakdowns, or rage,  despite several more BFP announcements and U/s pics to go with it.....It stung a little, of course, but I managed to skim of the rest of the site with no tears and anger...

I even made it through yesterday at church, without bawling the entire time, and racing out of there before having to face the new baby that's being passed around and loved on by everyone...

Still, deep inside, It hurts...I should be getting ready for our April baby to be born in a couple weeks, not trying to re cooperate after another loss....Taking it one day at a time...trying so hard to rely on GOD for strength and peace...trying to be still, and let him work...But I feel like I have to DO something...ANYTHING.....

It has been 13 months, and I just am so amazed we are still here...I just wish I knew what or why all this is happening...And that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...I can't seem to find it still....

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Exploring my options...

Ok Plan B.

Since I cannot afford to see the reproductive immunologist, and I cannot afford to pay out of pocket for a monitored cycle with the RE along side meds, I am going to try my very best to meet somewhere in the middle.

So I booked 4 appts for this Month/early next month. One with my primary physician for a yearly physical to be sure my general health is good to go, one for my annual OB/pap appt, one with my RE to go over the plan for the next medicated cycle where I will also be demanding the addition of levonox or heprin for any subsequent pregnancies and a boost in my progesterone supplementation, and one with a acupuncturist. I am hoping to walk away with at least a little bit of hope for the future here...I am so sick of DR's who just push me into IVF...I can GET pregnant JUST FINE it is staying that way that seems to be hard. So, i'll play the game, make all my  yearly appts, to be sure I am in tip top shape, and then head to the acupuncturist. I had a coupon for a free consult and decided what the heck. I had used  a girl back a couple years ago at the end of my pregnancy with kate, due to having had my pelvic bone separate, and being in severe pain. It realllllllly helped for the pain, so I am praying it can jump start my body back where it needs to be fertility wise. I have heard many women go for accu, and walk away with a take home baby, so why not give it a shot It will cost some out of pocket, but not nearly as much up front all at once..I also decided to alter my vitamin/supp list a bit and modify it some.

As of right now, I am taking :
5000IU D3
1200mcg Folic acid
300 mgs Co-Q10
1000IU vit E
2000 mg Fish oil
500mgs magnesium
And, 80,000 units of serrepeptase a day on empty stomach.
one baby aspirin a day
and my thyroid meds.

 All this stuff, along with tons of prayer and support....More prayer and more prayer...

I KNOW in my heart God is FOR me, and is out for my best, but it can be SO hard to not buckle under the pressure of grief and resort to "How could you do this to me God!!!??" frame of mind...I am going to battle with every ounce of me to keep my heart trusting in HIM at all times...But I know this is going to be hard....I have never been more afraid in all my life of having this happen again...I really want to come to the place where no matter what I have peace. I cannot seem to grasp it on my own, so super naturally God needs to pour bucket loads down on me here so I can make it through the next few weeks...

To top it off April 24th is one of my  EDD's  for the Angel we lost in august. so I am naturally pretty upset, and feeling bummed that we are still here empty handed and with a empty belly, waiting....Please God, help me...I need strength.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Not much better.

 Today is not much better...Still fighting my way through the day with tears streaming down my face...Feeling so  abandoned by God...Failed by my body, and broken in my spirit...I have NO idea how I will make it though this...All the other times, I felt like there was still some HOPE left to hold on to...I can't seem  to find it this time...

Monday, April 2, 2012


  I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't get dressed...I can't bare to leave the house...I can't even imagine a day without this pain...No matter what I do, or where I go, I see constant reminders of what should have been...What I don't have...That God promised me I would be blessed with...It just keeps being ripped away from me...I am stuck....I have no money to do the testing...No more money for a medicated/monitored cycle...Neither of which guarantee's me a take home baby....And, NO answers!

I really thought I would bounce back and come out this with the same determination I had the last 7 times....But This time I just can't do it. I can't even enjoy my family here and now, cause I am so down right angry and depressed, hurt, and sad...Confused and lost.

What am I supposed to do!!? How on earth am I supposed to come out of this?
I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel...And I am just too tired to keep walking and trying with no end in sight...I hate being stuck...I keep screaming for God to do SOMETHING!! But every hour on the hour, it seems like I am over come by the memories...Flash backs come zooming back...The I muster the strength to smile for my family, and pretend I am "OK"...Then I log on to facebook to see yet another announcement...and another ultrasoundpic...And even more complaining chicks, going on and on about how horrible pregnancy is...And blah blah blah....I would give my right arm right now to have that...But it does not work that way....NO crack heads who would rather shoot up than be a mother get to have babies on top of babies all being taken care of by the system...And yet, I lose mine...

My heart goes out to all the women enduring this pain...I would not wish this on my worst enemy...

God please help me...

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Missing my babies...

How very softly 
you tiptoed into my world. 
Almost silently; 
Only a moment you stayed. 
But what an imprint 
Your footprints have left 
On our hearts. 
--Author Unknown