Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Seems like SO much LONGER....

As I sit here, counting down the days and hours, till AF starts, wishing she would get here ASAP so we can get back to TTC....I began to think back to when we FIRST began...


It has been 16 months, 4 weeks and 2 days since we started TTC again...

But it's been more like 2 years, 3 months, and 4 weeks since we began this journey, because my heart had been "in it" for much longer than my tubes have been repaired...


As many of you know, I had my tubes tied after my 3rd biological child was born. I was pushed into it by my OBGYN, and really thought it was the best decision. I was traumatized from our 19 week loss, and spent the entire pregnancy with my last child in such terror, and anxiety, and stress. My body was angry for going right from being half way through a pregnancy, to losing it, to being pregnant again less than 3 months later....I had many complications, and they even thought our daughter had heart issues there for a while in utero....Anyway, at the very end, 9 months pregnant, I just NEVER, ever thought I could endure such heartache, and stress both physically and mentally EVER again....So I tied my tubes...
I knew it was a mistake from the moment I woke up...I was grieved...I felt like something had been stripped away from me....

As the months wore on after the surgery, I began to experience some hormonal issues .And, at times, it mimicked symptoms of pregnancy and would mess my cycles up, making them irregular....I will never forget the day I was 10 days "late" and went to go buy a HPT, knowing full well my chances of being preg were  slim to none, but I know some tubal fail, so I had to be sure...I got the test, and it was neg. AF came not long after that...I have to admit I was a little bummed out....That was in Feb 2010. From that moment on...I got that spark in my soul again....That desire to be pregnant....For a while, I thought I was NUTS....I tried everything I could to shake it....

April 2010- I began to chart again, just so I could see what was going on with my cycles and hormones...
Even though I knew my tubes were tied, after a while, I began to HOPE, that maybe, JUST maybe, we would be the lucky 1% and get a tubal failure baby. I began to research reversals...I had learned that many women had the same hormonal issues I did, and the reversal helped! I also learned that a reversal gives you VERY good chances for getting pregnant too! BUT, we had NO money for the reversal, and bills to pay...

Each month, I would chart, and track my cycles...Praying, and pleading for my tubes to some how grow back and give us another blessing...I know it sounds crazy...But I really just was hoping I would not need to go through with the reversal....

We finally got the money, and booked the surgery for March 2011- And began to actively TTC as soon as I was healed from surgery.

For 11 months, before the reversal, I charted, and prayed, and hoped, and dreamed...But nothing ever happened...which, I was more than prepared for, but still, it makes this whole ordeal seem so much longer than just how long we have been actively TTC because i wanted it, and hoped and prayed for it for much longer........Then add in the losses since the reversal...I just get over whelmed when I look back and see how much we have endured....I want another baby more than anything right now....It just feels so far out of reach at the moment....

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Two more...

Active pills left on my birth control pill pack!! yay!!! I cannot believe it!! It is almost time to TTC again!!

I called yesterday to refil my thyroid pills, and almost had them fill the BC pills...Then, I remembered...I don't need them!!! whooo hooooooo!!!

I have the rest of my fertility meds and blood thinner meds on hand already, so I am set to go! I am going to try and make a Vid blog here soon to kick off the start of our TTC adventures again!  stay tuned!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Excited !!!!!

 So.... We decided to stop the pill after I get AF in about 10+ days or so...And TTC for August, instead of waiting another cycle and going for it in Sept. By the time I ovulate in August, it will have been 12 weeks since the metho shot, so plenty of time to recover, and build up my folic acid ( I have been taking tons extra as well), and two full cycles of birth control to "rest" the ovaries. My Hystroscopy last week was PERFECT and shows NO signs of any issues, and a GREAT looking uterus, and awesome clear tube openings...


I Spoke with the RE and TR doc, and both agree I would be OK to TTC....I went back and forth, many times, going over the pro's and con's, but in the end, I just feel like it is "time" to go for it!! I really think the protocol we used last time could have really done the trick had the bean not implanted in my tube...


So, we will do 5 mgs of  Femara CD 3-9. No trigger this time. After Ovulation, start Prednisone, lovenox, and progesterone. Lot's of prayers and positive thoughts and good eating/ healthy habits! Oh I also plan to cut out caffeine as well. I cannot wait to get back into the swing of things...I do admit, I am a little nervous...But I know that is to be expected given my history...One day at a time!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

This day...

This day 1 year ago, I was pregnant...I had no Idea how long it was last, but I was thrilled to be there, in that moment. I had so much HOPE then for bringing home a rainbow baby....Just a couple weeks later we lost the baby, and I thought for SURE by the time next year rolled around this time, I would have a baby, or be well into pregnancy...

This day two years ago, I was praying for the money to have our reversal...saving every dime, and decided not to splurge on gifts and special things I didn't need....I may have topped the day off with a cheap bottle of wine...

This day 3 years ago, I was one day post partum from having my baby girl, Kaitlyn...I also had my tubes tied...I was determined to never have to experience another loss of a baby or another complicated, anxiety filled pregnancy again...Jusr traumatized by the events I had endured previously...

This day 4 years ago, was the last time I saw my angel Hannah Marie, alive on ultrasound...She was perfect..in every way.....Just little over a week later, we found out she passed away at 19 weeks...

This day 10 years ago, I was preparing for the birth of  my first daughter in just a few weeks, folding baby laundry, and packing my hospital "bag"....

This day 28 years ago, I was born.....

This day has brought so many amazing, and some very sad memories...

But I rejoice that I am here, alive for another day, another year, getting a chance to experience the world in a new way, every day...I am thankful  by all the people and blessings in my life...I am thankful for this day....

I think I have said this before, but, my mother had at least 10 m/c's after she had my older brother, and the DR's said she would probably never carry to term again....And then she got pregnant with me....So this day gives me HOPE, that even after all the losses, I can still bring home a baby....

Even though, this year I am not pregnant or even close to it like I had hoped last year, I am excited for what this day, next year will be like...

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

My Birthday present-

So...Yesterday was hard in a few different areas...


I spent some time helping/talking to a young teenage girl who is 19 weeks pregnant, which I could relate too, since I was young when I was pregnant with my first...That is a whole other story for a different time, and in the wake of recurrent loss, I found it a little harder than in years past to handle the situation.....Also, listening (reading on FB) to another woman complain about her pregnancy symptoms unmercifully...I actually surprised myself and did not even get THAT upset, I would have bawled in the past at the first moment of seeing someone pregnant regardless of how they got that way. I only felt a little twinge of jealousy, and then quickly reminded myself, they have NO idea what I have endured, I cannot punish them... My time will come...




So then, I went online looking for some memorial jewelry for our angel babies...I was so blown away at how beautiful and precious some of them were...I found a great charm necklace, where I could add in birth/due date/loss date stones etc...I glanced down, and saw only 5 options available for stones etc...By the time I thought of E mailing the seller for a special order, I was over come with such grief...The fact that I have more angels than the options they gave for birth/loss stones itself,  was just a ton to grasp. Then I started thinking of all the birth/loss months and trying to gather the info needed, and I just had to close the page...13 angels...13 stones I would have to pick, and it just made me crumble...I was doing so well....feeling so positive about us TTC again in sept, then this just threw me back 5 steps...


I walked away, and felt a little depression slip over me...I moped around most of last night, and finally went to bed, trying not to think about it...


I woke up this morning, still thinking about the necklace...I decided to bite the bullet and contacted a woman who is on one of my recurrent loss support groups, who makes jewelry by hand etc...I told her what I was looking for...And by the end of the morning I had put in a order for a special necklace!


I decided to use the "birth stones" to represent the loss months of our angels...I had to go over my loss history and make sure I had the correct amount of stones for angels and the corresponding months they were lost etc...All 13 of them....Then I sent her my list, and she offered to throw in free stamped discs, with the first letter of my living children's names on them...HOW sweet! After all was said and done...I walked away, filled with HOPE, and peace, and a small fraction of JOY...That I was doing something to remember my angel babies by, and also represent my living  children too...Hopefully I can add another name/initial charm instead of another loss stone...


Here are a couple sample pics of the stones and discs...It wont be exactly like this, but similar...I will be sure to post pics of MY necklace when I get in in my hand...But for now...this will give you an idea...I am buying this for my birthday present (tomorrow)...




I am excited to get it...And put it on for the first time...I am praying this step of bravery for me, will mean I wont have to add any more stones for angels to it, and we can get our take home baby...That has always been my fear...I would get something, and then run out of room to add to it due to more losses...I know there is still a chance we could have to add one, but something in my heart feels like I may not have to, and our rainbow is just around the corner!


Then, to top it all off...I got this crazy desire to STOP my pills after this month and just TTC for aug instead of waiting for sept...It would be 8/9 weeks since my levels reached <1 and it would be safe to TTC, but I really wanted to commit to 3 months, and the the last 6 weeks, I have been totally 100% ok with that...all the sudden...I just cannot WAIT to TTC again!! I am trying to compose myself, and keep from making a irrational decision...I know I should probably take one more month to rest, but I just have so much HOPE for TTC again, I cannot wait to get back to it!! Still undecided...I know that even if we wait 3 months the chances of losing another one are there just as much as if we try next month...So I just don't know...I thought of just NTNP, but then if we did catch the egg, and I was not charting and did not start my lovenox, and progesterone etc at the right time, then lost it, I would blame myself for not going into it all full swing...so many variables!!

Lord help me!! LOL

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Progress!!

I had set out to start getting more active while on this break, and for a few weeks, had just let it go, and kind of put it off, doing little things here and there but no real pattern...So this last week/this week, I decided enough was enough....So I set it up with my neighbor to run twice a week, and I did it! I did just over a mile the first time, and 2 miles last night...On my days "off" from running I am swimming 30 mins at a time, getting my heart rate up, and working those muscles with no no impact...VERY refreshing! And I feel so good! More energy, and confidence, and satisfaction that what I set out to do, I am doing!!

I have had a few slip up's in regards to food choices...I totally threw gluten free to the wind after the ectopic, but have been trying to stick to low sugar/low carb type diet...I will get back on gluten free again starting in august, so that by the middle of sept, when we start TTC again, I will be back in the swing of things. I really struggle with sticking to diet changes...My weakness is salty, starchy foods, and sweets! But I will overcome, and I WILL lose weight, get healthy and be in good shape for our rainbow baby to nestle in to!

So that's what is going on for now...

Time to sit down and re-evaluate my supplements list, and see what I need to adjust...I will be back with all that info soon!
=)

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Hystroscopy went well!

I got there, and they did a  STAT preg test, just to be "sure", not sure why since I am on borth control, lol, but I guess it is just protocol...So I get in there, and it takes him a few mins to get my cervix to open up enough to let the scope pass through...OUCH...But finally it went in....WOW...what a freaking NEAT thing to see!! I got to see EVERY wall in my uterus, and both tube openings that fall into the uterus....It was sooooo awesome! RE said all was "well" inside, and my uterus was "beautiful"!

GOOD NEWS!!

Still, NO explanation for the losses, but he did say he feels the break will be good, and that he feels confident we will have our take home baby soon! It was nice to have a positive outlook from the RE...And some encouragement....

So, for now, we ride out the rest of our our break, and make the most out of our time... Before we know it, we will be back to the craziness of medicated cycles, and temping, and OPK's and tracking everything! LOL...

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Hystroscopy today

I have an appointment at 10:30 am, for my in office hystroscopy. For some strange reason, I feel lightly nervous! I have had the HSG and the saline ultrasounds before and they went smooth and detected NO issues. I think we will have the same result with this test too, but I am thankful they are going to take a closer look just in case something was missed by the other two tests. For those who do not know what a hystroscopy is, it is basically  a small, flexible, lighted microscope, that is inserted through the cervix and goes in to check out every wall in the uterus  and the the tube openings etc. I went on you tube the other day and did  a search and checked out some vids of other people's scopes, and they were soooo cool looking!! Id love to have a vid of mine...Doubt ill get it, but how neat to get to see inside our body like that! I am always amazed at the technology we have...Then It makes me kind of sad....ALL this amazing equipment and knowledge, and STILL no one knows why I am losing my babies...Perhaps this test will change that, and give us some insight, but the chances are, all is normal, like the rest of the tests have been...Don't get me wrong, I surely do NOT want there to be a problem, but sometimes it feels better to have a answer than to still be left guessing and wondering "what IF"....And "why?"....

I will post and update when I get back and let you all know how it goes!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Time keeps ticking away...

I can hardly keep up! I was thinking this break would take FOREVER! but, it really is going by fast! I am now more than a week into my second birth control pill pack, and actually feeling GREAT! I was so worried the side effects i felt the first month on them would last the whole duration of of our break, but apparently my body has adjusted, and is doing well! AF this last time was very strange...Not bad, just different. I feel almost as if my body "cleansed it self" with this last AF and my ovaries feel at "rest" if that makes sense...

So I have lost a few pounds, and am still doing good eating better...I have been more active and starting this week will be running twice a week with my neighbor! I hope that helps me drop a few more pounds quick like! LOL...

There is still a part of me that is just squirming inside having to wait to TTC again....I just want our take home baby to come so very bad...But I know that I needed this break...I know That my body needed to rest...And I needed to heal emotionally...

I keep day dreaming about what the fall will bring...praying for a June or July 2013 take home baby...It kills me to think we don't even have a chance at having a baby before then, and it will be at least a year from now or longer before I get to end this journey and that is being optimistic...Just realizing we have been "at" this for over a year and a half is just mind boggling...It is NOT what I had in mind at all when we started this journey...Not even close...Time just keeps ticking away...tick- tock...tick- tock....

Sunday, July 8, 2012

CD1

Well, today is CD 1!! I am officially 1/3 of the way through this break we are on! I was not sure how this cycle would play out,being it was my first cycle on the pills, and, due to the nature of the ectopic, and the metho shot etc....It def was a bit "off" so to speak...It was only a 24 day cycle, compared to my 30 day cycle off BCP's...So quite a bit shorter than my normal, but thats ok,. Id rather it be shorter than longer! LOL. It just feels good to have AF show, and not have to worry about trying again right away, or meds etc...I can just "be"....

NOW, to focus the next two cycles totally on eating better and getting active while I wait...I have been lazy the last few weeks, just putting off what I know needs to be done.NO more of that! I am going to lose some weight, and get healthy before we try again!! I have been "saying" that for ages, but never follow through....Now it is time to start doing the hard work, and actually put it into motion and really make the most of the next two cycles I have left on break!

OK, time to go pop some IBprophin so I can get rid of these cramps and get ready for church!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Just a few snap shots...

Just wanted to share a few recent snap shot's of the kiddo's...I don't usually share too much about them on here, as to not upset those reader who do not have children and try and keep my topics based on my recent situation...But I find myself feeling so very thankful for them....Being on this break gives me time to reflect, and has shown me they are also miracles...I thank God for the ease in which they came into this world...I never thought I would be one of those women who struggle to carry a pregnancy, and having had 3 term births, neither did any of my DR's...So I am forever grateful for them...And Just wanted to take a moment and share them with all of you...

This is my Step Daughter, Lindsay- age 10
This is My daughter, Hayden, age 10 who I had with my ex- in CA
This is Isaiah, age 6, who is My husband and mines, first biological child together...
This is Kaitlyn, age 3 ( in a couple weeks) who we had after the loss of Hannah...She is our "rainbow" baby.

Each one of these beautiful children teach me something new every day...They grow, and change so very fast, right before our eyes...They challenge us, and inspire us to be better parent's and people....
I am so thankful for them....
But still, after feeling all that JOY, and love...I can't help but feel sad, knowing we are missing another family member which then, leads me to think of all of our angels.....I know the time will come soon, and we will be blessed with just the right  child...But I just wish it could be SOON...For now, I focus on what I have in front of me, I am forever grateful... But my heart still longs for that 2nd rainbow to come....


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Found a few things...

So yesterday was one of my "should be" be due dates...It has been a bit hard, but honestly, I feel  I am handling it all better than expected....Considering, all the newborn pics on facebook, and the numerous pregnancy announcements flowing in...

So later that day,  I began to go  looking through some of my online albums from the last few years, and was trying to find a pic of me with short hair, because someone asked me about it, and I remembered I had one from cosmetology school. So, I went digging....No where online, so I resorted to my "special" personal folder in the file cabinet. I had not looked though it in ages, so I kind of got lost reminiscing ...

When all of the sudden, as I sifted through some other things, out tumbled a envelope, and then as soon as I saw it, out spilled the contents...

They were my ultrasound pictures of my Hannah and her Foot prints...It was a Hard thing to see at first glance, but then, as I began to pick them up and look closer, instead of weeping, like I did in years past, I smiled...What a Bittersweet feeling...Such pain and sadness, knowing she is not here, but such JOY knowing what came after her, and how much she taught me in her short time with us....

For the first time, I feel brave enough to post some pictures of my little angel...I do not have any more pics, other than the last few ultrasounds and her foot prints...

This was Just over a week before she passed away...


She was perfect in EVERY way...Just PERFECT....I could feel her move and kick, and occasionally hiccup...

This was the day we found out she no longer had a heart beat....One of the worst days of my entire life....



And This was the next day, the day we had her...Her beautiful little footprints, perfect in every single way...They are about as big as the  tip of my pointer finger...

Seeing all of this stuff brought me back to that time and place almost immediately...And to think, 4 years later, here I sit, grieving not only her loss, but so many, many others now and yet at the same time, rejoicing in my Kaitlyn, my rainbow baby, from after we lost Hannah...And how much JOY she brings me, knowing she would not be here if Hannah had stayed...It is such a hard place....It almost feels surreal, like this is some crazy lifetime movie....But it is my life, what I have endured...My pain, My sorrow....My triumphs....Just after I finished packing away all of Hannah's stuff, I thumbed though a few more things in my folder, and then out came this.....
This was a scripture from Proverbs 3:3-10, from the bible that someone had printed off on this beautiful rainbow paper to me not long after my father passed away, in 2004...It could NOT have fallen out at a better time...I needed to see this, and read it again....It gave me a little hope, and a little comfort, and challenged me to keep trusting, and keep hoping and keep giving my time to God, and he will bring me to the other side, with my rainbow baby in my arms one day...I believe it with all my heart...For now I need to learn to wait, and rest, and not get discouraged...Our time is coming....