Sunday, October 14, 2012

Seasons

Its so hard to watch the seasons go by...

   It's so hard to still be here -Hoping, praying, ,crying, desperate....Trying so hard to be patient, but desiring to get on the other side of this all...Each season that goes by, digs a bigger hole into my heart, creating this deep pain...I grieve what I do not have, and at the same time what could have been, so many times over...It is such a hard place to be in...I fight my way out, and go about the day, trying to live normal life, but every so often is creeps in, stronger than usual, and gives me a reality check...I am still wandering around inside a real life nightmare...

I watch the leaves turn an amazing gold, red, yellow, orange ...Crisp and brilliant...I watch them fall ever so softly, ushering the chilly, brisk air...My heart sinks as low as the fog in the valley...We enter another holiday season with no baby, and no sticky bean...We inch closer to the 2 year actively trying mark...A part of me feels like a failure...I struggle to climb out of my emotional, bottomless pit...It goes round and round like a merry go round...This vicious cycle...The swing between hope, grief, and being a cynical bitter TTC'er...I am rambling now...


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