Friday, September 28, 2012

HSG scheduled!

I called in today, to let the office know I had started a new cycle. I wanted to wait another day or so, just to be sure the bleeding stayed consistent with a regular AF before I called in. Anyway, I called in and let them know, and that I had been speaking with the RE via the portal, in messages, and he suggested a HSG to check my tubes again after the recent  ectopics. So, they took some info and sent me over the scheduling, and I booked my date- and they sent in a RX for my 3 days antibiotic course to start the day before the procedure.

I will go  in next wed, October 3rd, at 11 am. It worked out perfect, as my DH had the day off and can even drive me down and take me if I want him to. I will probably go on my own through, as I have already had this done before, and it was not nearly as painful as I imagined it would be. In fact it was a similar to the pain you feel with a pap, mixed with a little AF cramps. Nothing severe at all. This test will be able to tell us what the integrity of my tubes inside are. The last time I had this, back in Jul11' both tubes were open and clear. That is what we are hoping for this time as well! There is also a increase risk of pregnancy after a HSG for whatever reason, for the 3 months following the procedure, so, this, in combination with the immune testing/immune protocol in the following cycles, will hopefully give us a shot at a take home baby!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

YES!!!!!!!!

 I got a call from Braverman's office today...They ARE "in network" and it will only be a 50 buck copay to have a visit!! yay! I am still waiting to hear back about the lab they use for the testing, reprosourse, and if  they are also in net work. The lady I spoke to today, said she was almost positive, but wanted to re check and confirm...I hope to get confirmation tomorrow...

This is a HUGE step for me...I really never wanted to have to go down this road, but it seems like it it the last resort, and the DR seems confident he can diagnose me. The biggest challenge will  be getting some of the med's covered and possibly some of the testes. But I am praying it is minimal out of pocket....I really want to get some answers...

I do also have some good news regarding my regular RE's plan to treat me should Braverman not work out for whatever reason. (ie. insurance not covering the IVIg infusions which are 3000 a pop, and need to be done every few weeks). My RE said he would let me cycle with intralipids, and lovenox, baby asprin ( which  I am on anyway) and dexamethasone ( a drug similar to prednisone) along with progesterone support. so that is good as well...I know I said I was done with meds, but if my immune system is off, I need to get things sorted out. I will also do the gluten/dairy/sugar free diet while TTC/ and in early pregnancy. I am going to start on some of the supplements that Braverman suggests as well, to boost the body naturally along with whatever they decide to give me after I am diagnosed. The RE also said he only sees the need for me to abstain for one more cycle- and then we are clear to TTC again. He asked I take extra folic acid and calcium.

I also started a new cycle today...Which was TOTALLY unexpected! Not only did I ovulate uber early this month, AF came early as well! I was only 8 dpo today, and that made this last cycle only 22 days. I know  it is only because of the craziness due to the ectopic, but still! What a mess! But, I was glad I got to start a new, and will call in to the RE tomorrow to schedule my HSG, to see what my tubes are looking like in there before heading off to Bravermans's and getting tested...I'd like to know what we are working with in there... In light of the recent ectopics, and the RE agrees. So, that is where we are at...Really, really praying that this new turn of events gets us a bit closer to our take home baby!! I so desperately want to end this journey...It has been so long, and so hard....

Monday, September 24, 2012

Revisiting Immunology....

 So,  while browsing the net, looking for some info on supplements  and  diet changes to implement  for  when we decide to TTC again,  and I found a post on a paleo site, about the diet and auto immune issues, unintentionally.... It had a few other tag posts on the side, that were similar in content, and I saw a condition that I have struggled with for years, that another person had been also dealing with, and they noticed changes when they did the paleo diet, and restricted nightshade foods. I was intrigued with this new information, because this was contrary to what I had been told before, that the condition I struggle with was due to bacteria/over active hair follicles, and I was always on antibiotics in the past, but they never worked...So I began to research this condition in relation to auto immune disorders, and it turns out it is starting to seem that is IS indeed immune related. I am not going to go into detail about said condition I was looking into- as it is pretty embarrassing and quite frankly, just not  the best of topics to write on/ read about. But I will tell you, I have noticed the immune connection myself and it all made sense...

So then I began to start looking into some options in treatment for it, and stumbled upon some info that talked about elevated TNF-a levels that tend to trigger these instances, and that there are certain meds that can help lower it, and keep it at bay. Then it listed some of the TNF inhibitors and similar meds- I also red that welbutrin is in the same kind of family as some of the TNF inhibitors... which was strange, since I had been on webutrin for all 3 of my pregnancies before conception and the first trimester...Thought that was kind of intriguing...so on I went looking and reading... I spent a good 3 hours reading various sites, and medical  studies. and then began to think about how it is probably all related to my pregnancy losses as well...

I started to put two and two together, and began to revisit the idea of seeing Dr. Braverman in NYC. I decided to log on and ask a few questions regarding TNF's on Braverman's web page, and from there, decided to give the office a call and give my insurance info over, so they could see what my out of pocket expense is going to be with going to the office for a visit, instead of phone consults, that are not covered by insurance. I have the benefit of being only 3 to 4 hours away by car to NYC, so it is feasible to drive down there and get the ball rolling and see if they can test me and DX me. I even asked my Local RE what he thought my next steps should be, and he also said Braverman was the way to go. He agreed to collaborate with Braverman after the DX and help me cycle with meds locally. so that is a HUGE plus!

I know there is a chance it could still be too much money out of pocket, and I might not be able to get it done till after taxes come back etc..But I kind of feel like there is this one last resort, and I might just have a chance, if I go and check this immune stuff out. I have had a feeling it has been immune related for a long time, but then I tried to forget, and deny it, hoping I would supernaturally just fix myself and BAM we would get a keeper, but as the months have gone on and my history has gotten drastically worse, I think it is time turn over this one last stone...If not now, def in the future...I think this will be a HUE link for me, not just in regards to pregnancy but the other conditions, and if I manage it well, perhaps prevent me from getting even worse conditions and disorders as a result of my immune system being out of whack....

Praying for some amazing news tomorrow, and that we can book a trip to NYC in mid oct!

Rejoice!

1 Peter 1:6. "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials."

As Jesus is revealed in you, you can rejoice no matter what. The display of his glory often comes through your wounds. Your dark nights showcase by contrast his splendid dawns, your griefs contrast with his glorious joy. In brokenness, God works in you something beautiful, deep, and substantial to offer others. You are developing inner strength as you are being blessed, broken, and given as an offering in your trials. True strength comes from your desperate need of God. You are a joy to him as you offer your true self as a spectacle of his sufficiency. Paul said he wanted to know Christ and be conformed to the fellowship of sharing his sufferings, knowing there's a resurrection coming (Phil. 3:10).

Sunday, September 23, 2012

What a day!

It started out like any other Sunday...

I got up at 7am, got myself showered and ready to go for church, so I could get there for worship practice before service. I got there at 9 am, got myself sorted, and got to practicing our songs for the morning. Service started, and went seamless...It was an amazing morning, filled with so much healing, and freedom for those in the body...Everyone got prayer, and a touch from God...It was beautiful...I felt like I was on this supernatural high....

Service ended, and hubby left to take Kate home for a nap, and I kept the 3 older kids with me, so they could play, and I could chat over coffee with everyone. Had some great conversations and laughed a LOT. Finally, I decided to head home. Packed the kids up and on we went...

The afternoon was beautiful...Crisp, cool breeze, and the sun shimmering on the leaves of the tree that are just now starting to change over to their autumn hues...I was driving home, just soaking in the beauty and thinking of the morning...Thankful for all the things God did in the hearts of his people...

I get about 100 yards from my house, and put the blinker on, to indicate I would be turning left into the driveway of my home soon...I got to my drive way, and slowed down to stop and let the car coming the opposite direction pass by before I took my left turn...I glance in my rear mirror, and saw the car behind me slowing down, and then all the sudden, he starts to vear to the right between me and the guard rail...At first I thought he was going to try and pass me, and then, in a split second I hear a screech, and then a HUGE bang, followed by a JOLT of force...

I get out, and see two other cars behind/beside me, that were smoking and in pieces! I check and make sure everyone is OK, and everyone was, and get back in and pull my car into my drive way to try and  clear the road a little...My Husband heard the crash, and ran out, and called 911, and made sure the kids were ok, along with the other divers, and all the neighbors came out and were assisting  in directing traffic until the emergency vehicles arrived.

I stood there astonished....I had virtually NO damage to my car, except a few scratches...The other two cars had to be towed away, and were not driveable...The one car that caused the whole incident to begin with had deployed the airbags and the whole front end was torn off...The guy in the middle was not as bad off, but still very damaged, and their poor doggie got thrown to the front of the car in the impact...It was VERY scary...

I am still shaking hour later, due to the burst of adrenaline and craziness....I am so shaken up, I almost fear driving...
 I am so thankful for the protection of my heavenly father...There is NO doubt in my mind that he had his hand on us, and protected us...


Friday, September 21, 2012

That was FAST!

I was expecting this cycle to bee pretty funky due to the ectopic, and lingering HCG. I assumed I would not O at all, or at the very least, have a very delayed O date. Not once did I expect to ovulate the day after my HCG reached neg.

So, on CD 9, I  ran out of HPT's and began to use OPK's to see if I could see the decline in HCG with those, since they can detect LH and HCG in higher amounts. The OPK on CD 11 was still very much positive ( line darker than the control line) , and I assumed we had some time left before I was going to be at baseline for HCG levels. ( beta was 47 the day before CD 9) The next day, my OPK was still positive, but a bit lighter...I stopped testing, and decided to wait for the next beta.

So CD 14 comes along, and I go for my beta, and while I am waiting for a call back, I decided to OPK again, and it was still VERY much positive, even a little darker than on CD 9and 10. I thought for a while, that my levels were still increasing and I might need another metho inject...About a hour later, I got the call...HCG was neg. The positive OPK had me a bit baffled...So I tested again the following day, and got another +, followed by some EWCM. I figured I was just going to have some fluky opks, and temps due to the loss so I still j=kind of brushed it off...

Well, here I sit, with cross hairs, at 3 dpo! I am floored! Not only did I ovulate, but I ovulated early in a loss cycle and with NO meds! I am lucky to get a CD 16 O day on femara, so this took me by surprise!

I am glad to see my body is already back on track, despite the loss, and hopefully it stays on this track from here on out! I could get used to CD 15 O days! I am also super happy I did not have to deal with a hellish annov cycle on top of everything else we have had to deal with. Too bad we have to waste the eggy and cannot try this cycle...
=(

Onward and upwards I suppose....

Thursday, September 20, 2012

ugh...

So, I know I said I was going to lose weight, and get back on my diet, and start exercising....And when I said that, I really meant it...I still do...But, it has been harder than I imagined to get motivated enough to stick with it....Or even get started for that matter....

I cannot seem to muster the strength to get dressed and leave the house, let alone, diet, exercise, and do a cleanse, and start my herbs...I know I should just DO IT...But I can't....

See, part of me feels like, If I do all these things, I have a better chance at a take home baby...But, Then the other side of me feels like, if I do all these things, and it does not make a difference, and we continue to have loss after loss, then I will have come up with yet, another "plan" and it will have failed yet again...I don't know If I can deal with that...

To top it off- I feel like I am slinking into depression mode...Where I just don't want to do anything but sleep, eat and watch TV/play on the computer, and drown out the pain and emotions by filling my mind with as much mindless, stupid junk as possible. Which probably in contributing to the reasons why I have not started with my "plan" yet......I know it is not unreasonable to be dealing with that considering the last 19 months, with all the losses, but as silly as it sounds, it kind of snuk up on me...I have felt "fine"  for so long, with only mild moments of depression, and sadness, in the midst of  difficult times,  But in the last couple weeks, it has been more prevalent, and seems to be getting worse...I have teetered back and forth with going on some meds for  a short term fix, but I always end up with terrible side effects, and many are not safe for when we do TTC again...Then part of me says, screw it, I have done everything  "right" for 19 months, and it didn't make a damn difference in the outcome, why continue to limit things if it wont change a thing...? But then I swing back into "what if" zone, and I would kick myself in the ass if anything happened to a baby ( should be be blessed with one) that I could have prevented by avoiding X,Y and Z.   See, round in round in circles I go....

I hate this....I hate that this journey has infiltrated every nook and cranny of my mind, heart and soul, and it is slowly ripping the last bit of HOPE and life left out of me...


Monday, September 17, 2012

Back to baseline

I got the call this morning, my HCG is neg finally, and now I just wait for a new cycle to start. After AF, I will go in for a second HSG ( had one in July 2011) To take a look at my tubes, and see what is going on in there. I hope and PRAY they are both open and clear, and the ectopics did not damage anything and we are in the clear to TTC again.

We wont be using any meds, except for Lovenox in the TWW- and Progesterone after a BFP. I am done taking all that JUNK. I will be doing some of the natural/herbal things I talked about in a previous entry, and hoping for the best.

I was told to wait 1 to 2 cycles after the metho shot before we TTC again, so for now, we will use the dreaded condoms, and grin and bare it till we are in the clear again. I am glad to be on the other side of this ectopic, and looking forward to trying for a fall 2013 baby...

Friday, September 14, 2012

I have decided...

To write......

 A BOOK!

  I have thought about it for a LONG time now, and have even had a few other people mention to me, that I should write a book about my experience with recurrent pregnancy loss. One of those people happens to be a good friend of mine, who is also a publisher.... At first, I thought, "how silly". I am NOT a professional writer, and I just could not imagine being able to produce something worth reading  in regards to this journey. I feel like I mostly just whine and complain about things on this blog.....Who want to read that!? But then I thought of all the things I have experienced, and the things I have learned about my body and inner self and the medical community.....Then I started thinking about it...I would LOVE to find a book that covers  the tremendous emotional, physical and spiritual strife that comes along with with the territory of RPL. It is such a misunderstood condition by both the patient and  the medical community alike.

  I also started thinking about how much blogging has helped me, and been like a form of therapy for me walking through this mess, why wouldn't writing a book do the same? I believe it certainly can, and will.
I am still working on figuring out exactly what I would want to cover in the book. I don't want it to be solely about MY journey. I would love to add in a few other ladies struggles, and stories, and also have some prayers and confessions in there. I might also add a few songs/poems I have written about  my losses. And finally,  some basic info on what RPL is, and what are the common causes and what tests Dr's can run to help narrow the cause, if any.... Of course I am NO DR, however, in the last 19 months, I have learned more about RPL/fertility than some of the reproductive endo's I know have in 20+ years. Something about actually LIVING it makes it easier to absorb all the facts and causes you to saturate yourself in any information that may help, in this endless search for a answer to the repeated grief we endure.

Anyway...This is yet another thing I can start doing to help bring my focus on something I CAN control. And give me a outlet, and a project to do, along with my weight loss journey, and getting back in shape...I also hope to finish writing a few songs I have in progress...

so thats what is going on....

Still waiting for my HCG to go to <1.  Still struggling with the effects of the methotrexate, and dealing with the emotional turmoil of yet another loss...But I am alive, and relativity  healthy, and so it the rest of my family, so we have a LOT to be thankful for...


Thursday, September 13, 2012

My game plan...

So I decided to give myself some goals and things to focus on while I recover from this last loss/ectopic. I will have to wait at least 3 months before we can try again, and let the effects of the methotrexate leave my body, and build up my folic acid levels again. 

My plan:


I am going to go back to my sugar/gluten free/semi paleo diet. I am going to cut out all caffeine (slowly over the next month) And, also starting working out 5 times a week or more. I plan to use a workout series such as Insanity or P90x. My goal is to lose 30- 50 lbs in the next 6 months. I also plan to start taking my old holistic remedies, like maca, red raspberry leaf and red clover, as  a fertility tonic. I plan to add in doing my castor oil packs, 5x a week consecutively, with two days rest. I also decided to really give taking serrapeptase a try. For those who do not know what serrapeptase is, I will give you a little run down on this nifty little enzyme.


Discovered in the early 1970’s, this proteolytic enzyme was isolated from the Serratia species of bacteria located in the intestines of silkworms. Serrapeptase, also called serratiopeptidase, is truly a superior enzyme that provides strong anti-inflammatory properties. Today Serrapeptase is used all over Europe and Asia in clinical settings and is used as a viable alternative to ibuprofen and NSAIDs. It has the ability to break down non-living tissue in the body.


Serrapeptase is perhaps one of the world’s most exciting enzymes being studied in regard to its wide variety of clinical applications. Currently, especially in Europe and Asia, it is clinically used for anti-inflammatory conditions such as atherosclerosis, arthritis, fibrocystic breast disease and carpal tunnel syndrome. One of the most well-known proponents for this enzyme was the German physician, Dr. Hans Nieper. He had great success supplementing with serrapeptase for the reduction of heart disease and arterial blockage in his patients.


How does it work?


Serrapeptase is an immunologically active enzyme. It can bind itself to the alpha 2 macroglobulin in our plasma where it is shielded from the immune system while retaining its enzymatic activity, and in this way it is transferred to the sites where it is needed in the body. It is this same type of powerful yet specific action that allows silkworms to eat its own protective cocoon, digest it without any side effects and fly away. Amazingly, serrapeptase has the distinct ability to digest only non-living tissue allowing the old toxic layers that clog the digestive system and the lining of our arteries to dissolve. This is one reason why its so good at keeping arterial deposits from building up after heart surgery.


Some of the benefits of serrapeptase-



Some of the reported health benefits of the serrapeptase enzyme include:
  • Atherosclerosis: Dr. Nieper found that Serrapeptase could dissolve blood clots and reduce varicose veins. Other studies from Germany have found that serrapeptase could effectively remove atherosclerotic plaque without hurting any of the healthy cells along the arterial wall.
  • Chronic Inflammation: Multiple studies confirm its anti-inflammatory properties, and it has been used for this reason in the reduction of chronic sinusitis and other chronic or acute inflammatory conditions.
  • Helps with Traumatic Injuries: Serrapeptase is widely used in Europe as a supplement for traumatic injury (such as sprains and torn ligaments), as well as the inflammation associated with post-surgical patients.
  • Pain, Edema and Swelling: Serrapeptase has been approved as a standard remedy in many European countries for inflammation and swelling. A double-blind German study on the enzyme found that it could reduce swelling by up 50% in post-operative patients. Patients taking serrapeptase experienced statistically significant less pain than the control groups and, by the 10th day of the study, all patients taking the serrapeptase were completely pain free. [3,5,6,7]
  • Helps with Cystic Breast Disease: In a double-blind study, Serrapeptase was found to reduce breast pain, breast swelling and induration in 85.7% of the patients taking the supplement. This is related to the fact that the enzyme possesses fibrinolytic, proteolytic and anti-edemic properties. [2]
  • Helps Infections in the Ear, Nose and Throat: In one double-blind study, patients with acute or chronic ear, nose or throat diseases found significant symptom regression with Serrapeptase. The enzyme is able to reduce the viscosity of mucous, thus facilitating drainage. [4]
  • Helps with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome: Recent studies confirm the use of this anti-inflammatory enzyme for the reduction of symptoms associated with carpal tunnel syndrome. [2]
Neat right??

My Mother decided to give it a try after I sent her a few links with info in it- She has a variety of issues that serrapeptase could help with, so she gave it a shot...She has noted remarkable changes in all areas on her body and health since taking it 60 days ago....One very evident change was that of a cyst that had developed on her wrist a few years ago. She went on to have it surgically removed, and it grew back not long after...So She started taking the enzyme, and in 60 days it has gone from about the size of a half dollar to the size of maybe a pea....Not only that, but she feels less over all pain in her body and previous surgical sites and less arthritic pain...She is SOLD, and a true believer in this stuff....

So, I decided why not give it a try in regards to my Fallopian tubes and possible blockage. I think this, combined with my other herbal tonics, total body cleansing and castor oil packs will at  least give me a little  boost, and hopefully by the time I have a repeat HSG to check my tubes, they are in good working order, and cleared out!

*update*

It never did to help my fallopian tube's function appropriately, but that was mostly due to inflammation from allo immune disorders.  I've since found serrapeptase to be more bennificial when combined with other enzymes. If you would like further information please email me at mrsmeganpriest@gmail.com

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Heading down soon

I am leaving in a few minutes to head down to the RE office for my Methotrexate Injection. I am so crushed. Not only because this pregnancy did not work out, but because I have to sit out even longer now due to the side effects of the methotrexate... It really is HELL.


For those who are unfamiliar with methotrexate, and what it does and it's side effects- here is a little info-


Methotrexate is typically given by injection. Two injection sites are sometimes used to administer one dose. This method increases absorption of all of the medicine.

How It Works



Methotrexate stops the growth of rapidly dividing cells, such as embryonicfetal, and early placenta cells.
Methotrexate treatment can be given as a single shot or as several injections. If an ectopic pregnancy continues after 2 or 3 doses of methotrexate, surgical treatment is needed to remove the ectopic pregnancy.
During the week that you have methotrexate injections, your pregnancy hormone levels (human chorionic gonadotropin, or hCG) are tested several times. Your doctor will look for a drop in hCG levels, which is a sign that the pregnancy is ending (hCG levels sometimes rise during the first few days of treatment, then drop).
  • If your hCG levels have dropped enough after 1 week, you are then tested on a weekly basis until they are low enough to suggest that the pregnancy has safely ended. This usually takes about a month but can take more than 3 months.
  • If your hCG levels aren't dropping enough after 1 week, you will be given another dose of methotrexate. Your hCG levels will be watched as they were after the first dose.
  • If your hCG levels continue at higher levels, or if your doctor becomes concerned about tubal rupture, surgery will be needed to remove the ectopic growth.
Methotrexate series. Although it is an uncommon practice, methotrexate can be given every other day until pregnancy hormone (hCG) blood tests confirm that the pregnancy has ended. On alternate days, a medicine called leucovorin (folinic acid)is given by injection to decrease methotrexate side effects. Treatment time for a methotrexate series varies from case to case but can take a month or longer.

Why It Is Used



Methotrexate can be used to:
  • End an early ectopic pregnancy.
  • Prevent the growth of any embryonic or fetal cells that are left behind after surgery to end an ectopic pregnancy.
It is also used to treat certain types of cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, and as part of an induced abortion.

How Well It Works



Methotrexate works as well as surgery (salpingotomy) for treating an ectopic pregnancy when:1
  • You have low pregnancy hormone (hCG) levels (less than 5,000).
  • The embryo has no heart activity.
  • The ectopic pregnancy is small with no tubal rupture or bleeding.

Side Effects



All medicines have side effects. But many people don't feel the side effects, or they are able to deal with them. Ask your pharmacist about the side effects of each medicine you take. Side effects are also listed in the information that comes with your medicine. Severe side effects from methotrexate are most likely to develop with long-term use, such as when it is used for cancer treatment.

Common side effects.



  • Mouth ulcers
  • Queasiness
  • Vomiting
  •  Stomach ache
  •  Body malaise
  •  Febrile
  •  Lightheadedness
  • Headache
  • Sore throat
  • Hair loss
  • Dry skin
  • Sleepiness
  • Decrease in appetite
  • Photosensitivity
Call911or other emergency services right away if you have:
Call your doctor if you have:
  • Severe pain in your belly or pelvis.
  • Bloody vomit.
  • Signs of unusual bleeding or bruising, such as black and tarry stools or blood in the urine.
  • Sores in the mouth or on the lips.
Common side effects include:
  • Mild abdominal (belly) pain. Cramping belly pain is the most common side effect. It usually occurs during the first 2 to 3 days of treatment.
  • Vaginal bleeding or spotting.
  • Nausea, vomiting, and indigestion.
  • Fatigue, lightheadedness, or dizziness.
Rare side effects include:
  • Skin sensitivity to sunlight.
  • Inflammation of the membrane covering the eye.
  • Sore mouth and throat.
  • Temporary hair loss.
  • Severe low blood counts (bone marrow suppression).
  • Inflammation of the lung (pneumonitis).
Because of the risk of side effects, methotrexate treatment requires close medical supervision by a doctor who is experienced with this medicine. During methotrexate treatment, keep your doctor informed of any symptoms that you have.

Yea...Lovely little list huh? That is not even complete. They will be doing HCG draw every 4 days, and also doing a blood count and liver function draw as well, to be sure my body does OK with the methotrexate a second time in less than 5 months...
:::sigh:::
I am trying so hard to not get angry, and bitter...But It is getting hard to stay positive....

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Another....

Ectopic. Yup...Freaking great....

Went for my beta this morning, early at like 7 am, so I could have results earlier. Anyway. HCG went up from 37 (sunday's results) to only 47- for today. Progesterone was still super low at 0.75
They called me and set me up for a appt tomorrow morning to have a round of methotrexate administered.

That means....12  weeks off from TTC again, and maybe even longer, depending on when  or if they go in laproscopically to get a better look at why I had back to back ectopics...
=(

I am having a hard time digesting this all, even though I knew it was ectopic days ago...It still kills me to have it confirmed and have to go through metho HELL again. I cannot believe this is happening! WHY, WHY, WHY??!

sorry if my posts spew of negativity over the next couple of weeks...I am having a hard time finding some optimism after all of this...


Monday, September 10, 2012

One more...

RE office called, they want me to go for one more beta tomorrow. Just to see where the numbers are. Then we will make a game plan. I am so exhausted from all of this...Really, really  emotionally spent. I just want it to be over. I know it is not a viable pregnancy...
 Yesterday would have been 22 dpo ( if you do not count my bleeding as AF/ a new cycle) and my number was only 37- Even if a ectopic was not a concern, that would NOT be a good set of numbers. Not at all. Then couple it with non existent progesterone numbers, ( My level was 0.98-  less than one on yesterday's draw) and my elevated risk of ectopic from tubal reversal surgery, and the fact that I just had a ectopic in June...Yea, it does not make for very hopeful results...And at this point I just want to move on! I want to figure out why this keeps happening  and if we even have a chance or a reason to keep trying....

Follow up beta results...

I went for a second beta yesterday afternoon to figure out what is going on, and have been waiting all morning for results. I periodically check the portal too, since they update it with all lab and test results. So I checked and there they were...
Beta: 37
Progesterone: 0.98

They still have not called me yet to give me a plan of action, I am assuming they are talking to the RE and other DR's to get a game plan and review my file etc...I am not sure what to expect...I am just totally wiped out emotionally. I will update when I know what we are going to do,

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Really need some prayers....

My tests are getting darker...Which is BAD!!
Here are some tests-
The top one is from two days ago- The middle two are from yesterday- Bottom is from Just a few mins ago- pic taken at 5 mins past dip. The test is even darker now that it has sat...This is NOT good at all....


I finally stopped bleeding so bad today. But the darkening tests are worrisome. This happened with the ectopic  last time too...I Just cannot, cannot, cannot get another methotrexate shot!!!!! I will cry!!! I know There is a chance that this non viable pregnancy can turn around,  and drop like a rock before next week, and set my levels back to baseline, but I have this nagging feeling it is going to need intervention...Again...
=(
If any of you are prayer people, please send some prayers my way that this resolves on it's own...
Thanks so much...I am trying to keep my brave face on, but I am worried, and feeling really heart broken right now...


Friday, September 7, 2012

Feeling tired and blue...

I am Tired. Really tired. Tired of TTC, and meds, and scheduled sex. I am tired of hoping, only to be let down. I Am bummed and feeling a bit blue too...A Good friend of mine, just announced the gender of her 3rd baby- ( I am of course over the moon excited for her as we were TTC together and she has suffered a couple m/c's too-) And as happy as I was, I was so sad inside still...I was due with my Feb baby the same day she was. I "should" be finding out the gender too!- I should be 30+ weeks with a Nov Baby too- and so on and so forth...It just seems to unfair.

Now here I sit, in the throws of yet another loss...Trying to put on my brave face and keep the hope alive and spark there to keep TTC. But, it is getting hard, so utterly hard. I don't know how much more I can take...This seems almost like a nightmare. Like some freakish thing you only read about in books and see on lifetime movies.  I am ready for my happily ever after....

To top it all off- My tests have progressively gotten a bit darker today....I am scared I am going to have to endure another round of metho hell....
ugh....

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Beta results-

I went in for my CD3 labs work today. They tagged on a HCG and progesterone draw as well.
I got a call back about 45 mins ago with my HCG results. They don't have the rest back ( I only went to the lab 2 and a half hours ago- they had to send the rest of the blood samples to the main hospital for testing). But should by the end of the day or tomorrow. I can access the portal and look for it later too. Anyway...

My HCG was 9 this morning. At this point we do not know what my numbers are doing- So I go for a repeat on Sunday- With results Monday. My tests even seem a smidge darker...( not tweaked)
Here are my First morning, second morning and 4th morning urine tests, to correspond with my beta. Although this lab seems to run a few numbers under other machines. I once had a beta done at this lab, and then one done a hour later at a different one, and the other lab was a few points higher than the one I go to now...So, maybe it could be like 14?  Maybe. But regardless...Here are the tests...
I am praying like crazy that the numbers drop on their own and I do NOT need a metho shot again! I Just cannot imagine having to do that all over again!!In the mean time, I have more wondfo's to use to monitor my lines...I am bleeding like crazy...I feel like crap.  This sucks...

Interesting thoughts-

I read THIS ARTICLE today- And it got me thinking...

I am one of those "super fertile" I suppose, since I get pregnant so easily....But lose them often. Granted I have had one loss where we know nothing was wrong ( my 19 week loss) but none of the others have been tested. I think this thought process may actually hold true in my case- Maybe all the extra supplements and craziness is making my body too receptive and there fore I am just getting preg and m/c' the fertilized eggs that normally would not stick and result in a BFN cycle....But Instead, mine implant just long enough to trigger the early pregnancy tests for a few days and screw up my cycle and, raise false hope....who knows, maybe this holds true with the other losses that progressed further as well ( the ones that made it to close to 6 weeks) Though, they looked really good in testes and such, my body rejected it after so many days usually around some kind of flare up which makes me think immune related...But I wont ever really know till I fork out another 6 grand to get all that crap done and 3 grand more for treatment that may or may not work.... I wonder what, if anything my RE will think about this article . Hey, maybe if I stop doing all the right things and  do all the bad things I will get pregnant with a healthy baby like the crack heads!( kidding)

Anyway- food for thought for the RPL community- 

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

CD1

The witch is here...I guess that is that. I am still testing + though. So I will be asking for a HCG draw along with my regular CD3 labs just to be sure we are not dealing with another ectopic. I am not sure what, if anything I will do for this cycle, or when I will even O....I am just kind of in a funk today...I will make decisions tomorrow- Today, I am sad, and feeling too run down. Thanks for all the prayers  everyone...

Sunday, September 2, 2012

No real progression....

Tests are not progressing- wondfo's are still light- and Answer early was positive, but barely, as in I had to tilt it and squint to see the line...Not Good considering I had a + a couple days ago, and I am 14 dpo.
I am leaning towards stopping my progesterone and letting go of this cycle. There is no way this is viable...I am just praying it is NOT another ectopic like the one June....Strangely enough I feel ok about it all...Indifferent really. That of course, could change in the blink of an eye...
Like I always say- We will see what tomorrow brings.

************************************************************************
Edited to add a pic from this afternoon of one of my strips-

Just after I pulled up the page to edit and to insert the pic- I went to the bathroom to find bright red spotting...Now I am cramping super bad- Pretty sure the hag will be here to make me miserable tomorrow...
=(
I just pray this is not ectopic and my HCG does not keep rising so I wont need the metho inject again!!


Saturday, September 1, 2012

Praying...

Tests are still +- But still very faint. They are darker than previous days, but still light enough to give me a bit of worry. I know I cannot really determine doubling till I get betas- But from past experience, the wondfo's should really be darker by now. More waiting...More hoping and praying...One day at a time...

OK....

So, maybe I was wrong...
LOL


Those tests are from 11dpo evening-( the wondfo's were not smudgy when they were wet) . But, now,  My Camera battery is low and my SD card is stuck in my laptop slot- working on getting that out...LOL...

Today is 13 dpo- and I don't have any more cassettes- but have been testing with the strips- and they are darker- and more clearly defined etc..so things are progressing a little anyway. I will use my answer early result tomorrow- And if it is still progressing,  I will start with betas on Monday...So we will see-

I wish I could say I felt good about this one...I don't but I am not sure i ever will after enduring this many losses...Anyway...Today I am pregnant...