Thursday, March 28, 2013

Renewed-


I renewed my Fertility Friend VIP subscription again, for one more year...I have been a VIP member for 3 years now...3 years of charting...2 full years of actively TTC with interventions....No take home baby...ugh....
I had like 100+ days left on my subscription as it was, but I figured I would snag the deal for 24 bucks "just cause"...I have 479 days left now....All know is...

I better have a freaking baby by the time I need to renew again!!!!!!!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

It's really happening...

I got all the info on the specifics of the money today, and It looks like it will hit our bank around April 20th-25th give or take a few days to let the bank clear the check too...I am soooooooo excited!!!!  We are going to have a chance!!! Finally, a real chance, with the meds we NEED to actually have a shot!!! Eeeekkk!

 I don't even want to think about what we will do if it doesn't work...So, I wont....At least not right now...=)


I went shopping today and got all kinds of stuff to get me jump started on eating better. I have recently found I LOVE almond and cashew butter on celery, and gluten free pretzels. Anyway, I am not going to go full out yet on the diet, going to integrate it in over the next 3 weeks or so...
Then I will go all GF crazy right before we cycle...Hopefully in May/June!

Oh, and my MOM is coming to visit from April 1st- the 10th!! I am so excited!! It has been almost 2 years since we have seen her/her husband, and the kids have been counting down!...As have I...I talk to my mom every single day on the phone...we are like best friends...Even though we had a really rough history in my teens, we have managed to have a very good relationship now, and for that, I am thankful...However, even SHE does not know the extent of our losses and issues...I Just started to tell her about it over the last 6 weeks...I am not sure I am going to tell her about the cycles with Dr. B or not...We will see how it goes...

Regardless, I am stoked she is going to be here, it will bring a pleasant distraction to the waiting time...Not to mention we planned a night at the Lake George indoor water park and hotel, and got a suite! The kids are soooo stinking pumped! I cannot wait to get away and have some fun too! I wouldn't be able to ride to water slides is I was preg, so I am trying to at least be happy for where we are at the moment, and enjoy it, while we prepare to be a sticky baby home for 10+ months in the near future!!!
=)

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Thank you JESUS!!!!

I am sooooooooooooooooooooo  freaking excited!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just got the news.....

we will have the money we need to do a couple cycles with Braverman and the new meds/protocol!!!!! Thank you LORD!!! I cant even begin to explain how much of a miracle it was we got this money!! I am just beyond words...My heart if filled with gratitude!!

Oh, and my Neupogen should be here on my door step this afternoon, set and ready for when we start out new cocktail of craziness! I also have my trigger inject and plenty of femara set and ready to go too!! eeek! I cannot wait!!

It is looking like late May, or early June when we will start everything...Or whenever AF shows after my follow up appt with Braverman, which is booked for 5/11/13, in Woodbury Long Island.

Looks like I need to get my butt in gear and start my gluten free adventures again, and lose this weight!! I cannot wait to start back on our journey to a take home baby....THIS time, with a real CHANCE!!

A few video's


Here are a few Vid's from my DR explaining some of the tests, treatments and immune mechanisms. The ones I am posting are relevant to me. NK cellls The one below is on still birth- caution for those easily triggered by such a topic. this one about PCOS

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Hit by a truck...

Yup- That is how I feel....

It is like the whole last month or so, finally HIT me fully...

   This stuff is so over whelming...I cannot imagine how much of it just doesn't even make sense to most of you readers...I know, some of it does not even make sense to ME, and I have been researching this for OVER a year now! I am sorry if I ramble on and on and none of it makes sense...I try to explain the best I can, but even I have a hard time articulating all I have absorbed. I am trying to sift through all the stuff that is going on, and it really can feel like I am in some kind of some sci-fi experiment!

   Reading up on all the specifics (and we still don't even have the FULL picture yet, and wont until the most recent labs come back) and the meds, and the protocols- I am going to be an injecting fool! LOL...Yikes. ( 4 injects a day!)  But I will do it, and be happy as a clam, so long as we get a take home baby! I am simply ecstatic that my insurance covered the meds at least for one full round, (of neupogen- the rest of the meds are cheaper) and I hope and pray it only takes one round to get there!

In the mean time, I am going to, as always, lose more weight and go gluten free again. I am going to save and save and save while I get those two things in check, and hope that we come into the money we need sooner rather than later. I would love to be able to pre pay and get everything sorted out, and then just cycle whenever I feel "ready"...I am not even sure how or what "ready" looks like, honestly...lol

But still, all of complexities of this situation hit me today, and it really is a heavy load...

Friday, March 22, 2013

NO way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I took a shot AND asked the DR if he could send in a RX to see if the insurance I have NOW (not the crappy one I will have in 2 weeks) will cover the Neupogen I needed for the treatments....They covered  it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 70 bucks!!!!!!!! way better than 2 grand!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We may actually be able to pull this off if we save for the cycle fee and stuff!!! I am soooooooooooo over the moon!! Praise GOD!!!!!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Wow...Overwhelmed...

I have so much to say....Its all just reeling in my head over and over,  but not really sinking in...Not sure of it was the HELLISH trip out of the city, or the darn GPS that was being stupid, or the cranky whiny kids, crying in the back, or the fact that I have not eaten all day, and my stomach is doing flip flops...But holy moly, I am zapped of energy, patience, and mental clarity...I will try to do the best I can to explain things..bare with me...

First, he does not believe I have MS, but that the immune issues I have been facing from the losses is just manifesting it self a bit different. Basically the inflammation and activation in my body due to the losses etc, can really wreak havoc on the body. I will still go for the scan, with the other DR, but was glad to hear he didn't think it was it..still I have to see the Nero to rule that out.


But, anyway...

Then he went over all my losses, and the duration of each pregnancy etc...One thing he said , I thought was interesting I never heard before, was that the 19 week loss I had in 2008 ( the first baby conceived after my son) could and most likely was from PCOS having never been treated properly. I had symptoms and labs indicating PCOS at a younger age, but because I ovulated well, they never did anything...he said, a certain protein and antibody is released in the blood when PCOS is out of control that can cause nasty issues, and late term losses, much like gestational diabetes can do the same thing...But no one had ever connected those two dots before...still, it is only speculation since we are dealing with it, after the fact, BUT I thought it was interesting....
soooo.....


 Along with the PCOS, hashi's, High NK cells, DQ/HLA matches-( I have the triad HLA's too- specifically the DBR3- which can contribute to RPL and some other issues I guess)  Dr B also is like100% confident we have HYrHLA alleles-and anti body issues. Basically, we wont ever carry to term without meds.


Here is a clip from his website that explains a little about it-


At Braverman IVF & Reproductive Immunology we have long recognized the important contributions made by HLA genes to unexplained infertility and recurrent miscarriage. A recent publication by a group of scientists from the Netherlands has now further advanced our understanding of this important area of reproductive immunology. This publication demonstrated that females carrying certain copies (called alleles) of an HLA gene called HLA-G are predisposed to both primary (no history of a live birth) and secondary (prior live birth) recurrent miscarriage.
This same study also found that females with a history of a firstborn boy ( our son was OUR first TOGETHER) are susceptible to secondary recurrent miscarriage and to giving birth to boys with a low birth weight when they have certain other HLA alleles known as HY-restricting HLA (HYrHLA) alleles. These HYrHLA alleles can specifically alert the mother's immune system to the presence of male-specific proteins (HY antigens) encoded by genes on the Y chromosome of a male fetus. In some women this can lead to the development of a dangerous immune reaction to the fetus mediated through T cells and HY antibodies produced by B cells.(which  Braverman believes is our issue, along with the other allo and auto immune contributors. there still could be even more issues after the review of the new labs...)


He went off for a good half hour about the above issues- And all the new things they are learning and new tests they are developing....All of which I am hoping to get in more detail in a overview of what we talked about..LOL...I Just could NOT comprehend it all! Even with my research, he just had my head spinning! My hubby was LOST LOL...One thing that was cool was, he said if we can manage to get a Take home baby with the use of the meds for the first 12 weeks, there is a excellent chance it will reset my system, and antibodies from the placenta will wipe away a lot of the above antibodies, and I should be OK, so long as we dont get pregnant with another baby without meds and have another loss after the baby is born, I should be in great shape, and have much less manifested auto immune issues to deal with later on...

He also did a ultrasound, and I have low blood flow to the uterus as well, due to the high inflammation...more so on the left side. I could see the difference in the blood flow doppler thingy- so crazy!

Then they, took me back, and drew 14 more vials of blood to do the high resolution HLA  and a bunch of new labs they just created for the immune panels, in the last month or so!

By the time all was said and done, we were in there 3 and a half HOURS!..He said when he first sat down with us, and started looking at my labs, that  he wished he had set aside a whole day for me....yikes!

So the quick version of the game plan as it sits right now, of course always subject to change, when the new labs come back:

We will NEED Neupogen,(freaking EXPENSIVE!! like 1500 bucks!) Lovenox (to help the blood flow thing), prednisone (to supress more) and possibly IVIG (with neupogen- which would cost like 6 grand JUST for the meds) if pred does not work...This all ON TOP of the 2 grand  I have to pay for blood work (due to the changed in our insurance carrier- my husbands work no longer offers the plan we had, now we get stuck with crappy HRA junk. that wont cover the repro panels when and if we cycle with Braverman to monitor how the meds are doing)- AND on TOP of the 1200 for ONE cycle of management from Braverman. (does not include meds, just the review and management of my case) Or 3000 for 3 cycles....

I felt a bit overwhelmed at the sound of all those NUMBERS! Money we do NOT have...We do not have good credit to get loans, they do NOT have payment options...

I am trying to be optimistic here...Praying for a miracle to get the funds for this...I just wanted a take home baby....The easy way...Good grief!

Braverman here I come!!

Today is the day!! The day I have been counting down to for what seems like for ever...Hopefully Braverman can give us some hope and a plan that will work for us, and most importantly, not cost a arm and a leg! ...Here we go!!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

We made it!

We arrived yesterday evening in Long Island, safe and sound, despite a nasty winter storm that hit Northern/central NY...It was a MESS driving until we got down below Albany...

(This was super clear roads compared to what it was like when we first started off! yikes! I could not even take pics, I was holding on the the door handle for dear life, praying we made it out alive!!)


Then we were smooth sailing...No more issues, other than  the MINOR little issues with the GPS...lol

We hit the Long Island parkway and the sun was shining, NO snow down here!!

Today hubby and I are going out with the kids to enjoy the area, maybe walk around Jones beach a bit, and possibly head to the aquarium...

I am feeling OK...A bit nervous...It has been SOOOO long since I have been thinking about and praying about seeing Braverman...Over a year, Since I started feeling like all of the issues I have faced are immune related...I was right...And we are in the process of seeing what it looks like for us to have another baby in the future, and even figuring out what kind of quality of life I am going to have later on...It seems so daunting, but at the same time, freeing, to have answers, and to be in the hands of someone who is the best of the best!

Anyway, enough of of rambling, I have to finish getting ready! Lots of fun stuff to do today. =)

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Ugh- Winter sucks!!!

  Of course, on the very last day of winter, we get slammed with a stupid ass snow storm...It dropped around 8 inches of snow and sleet, and made it just miserable enough for my  Nero to cancel my appt this morning and close the office (whimps!)... And, it is supposed to remain stupid and miserable enough, through the rest of the day, probably forcing us to hold off on traveling down to the city until tomorrow! GGrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

I am so miffed! I hate winter to begin with, and NY...But the ONE time I have crap tpo do and places to be this white shit has to slow me down...NOT happy today...Not at all....


Monday, March 18, 2013

Part of a song I am writing for my angels...



Tears streaming down my face
from all this pain...
It can never be erased...
It over takes me...

It was not supposed to be like this...
You should be here with me...
I feel so incomplete...

So,  I will hold you in my heart forever...
Nothing take can your place, not ever...
 Even though you are safe, in our father's arms
Soaring far above the twinkling stars...
My heart aches...Its just breaks...I miss you...

This week!

It all happens this week!!

    I cannot wait to go and get all of these appts done and over with...The waiting has sucked, and anticipating what is going to happen sucks even more...I try not to "go there" and not think about what Braverman might have to say for our chances for the future and what a protocol with him would look like...But, Having seen and read a few other ladies stories with almost exact issues as mine, I can almost BET he is going to suggest Neupogen, and some other variation of meds along with it...And unless by some miracle we can get supernatural coverage for meds or enough money for it, there is no way we will be able to try again for a very LONG time, and at that point, I am not sure I will want to "start over" and have a baby so far apart from my other children's ages...Then add in the stress of the Nero DR, and the Brain scan for MS crap...Stressful!!
Anyway, Let's not go there just yet...I am trying, reallllllly hard to stay focused on the positive, but it is hard...

In other news, I stopped the pill the other day, and have had all sorts of strange things going on, from + OPK's to EWCM with bleeding and everything in between! I remember why I hate hormonal contraceptives...I plan on getting fitted for a diaphram when I have my next GYN appt. That is certainly better than condoms! UGH...

Now, to clean my house top to bottom to get ready for our trip to LI....I will pack the kids bags today, and finish mine tonight...I have most everything picked out and laid aside, ready to be packed away! Just have to tackle MT. Neverest the never ending laundry pile....

Fingers crossed this stupid storm we are supposed to get does not effect our traveling tomorrow....Freaking Groundhog said spring was supposed to come early...10 + inches of snow, 1 day before the first day of spring...Yea...OK...

Sorry if I am rambling, I am a bit over whelmed with all of the things I have to do this week, and all of the things that are kind of "coming to a head" so to speak...Makes my mind a jumbled mess!

Here is to hopefully, a good, productive week!

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Off I go...

Off the pill that is...

Turns out the hormones in the pill are making my blood pressure a bit too high for my DR's comfort, and also there were some concerns about blood clots etc...Coupled with the fact that it has also failed me in the past even with proper usage, they said it was not worth the added risk, so I will just go off it and just use barrier methods for now....

No more hormonal contraceptives for me! I was really hoping to have a few good cycles of NO charting/tracking...But alas, my BBT and I meet again, after only a couple short weeks of a break....(Though, I did sneak a few temps in there this cycle, just out of habit...lol)...

We are going to take the time (while using condoms until AF comes- yea I know, like you really care about our protection methods) to also treat for any Ureaplasma that may be in there in either of us. The treatment for that is 2 weeks of doxycyclene, taken twice a day, by both partners, and barrier method used for any sex, as to not transmit any bacteria until it clears. It is kind of a preventative thing to just make sure there is nothing lurking in there that could cause issues for us in the future if we decide to and have the money to try again...If you have it and it is not treated it can cause some nasty issues, and so many DR's never test or treat for it. That boggles my mind, since it is so easily treated and can really help many women get and stay pregnant and reduce risks for PPROM and PTL. Anyway, off my soap box...LOL...

I am getting more and more anxious to get this next week over with...So much going on...So much anticipation...So much stress...I think I may pick up a couple bottles of wine for the end of next week celebration ..LOL It will be a miracle I made it through still sane! ;)





Friday, March 15, 2013

Trust- Easier said, than done....


I long to trust God with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength...It has proven to be much harder than I ever thought possible...This journey has made me so callous, and hesitant to trust anyone, or anything...But, some how some way, I will find a way to get past it, and trust again....

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Castor Oil packs- revisited...


I decided to start doing my castor oil packs again...It is the perfect time. We are not TTC, it is not hot outside ( that makes laying with a heat pad a bit uncomfy when it is 90 degrees out), My youngest is still napping during the afternoon, leaving me plenty of time to lay down and rest at the same time, and do a castor oil pack...I did it for the first time today, in ages and ages, and it felt so very nice (I also added a few drops of lavender and clary sage to the mix, and it was delightful!)...I fell asleep actually, and woke up feeling so relaxed and refreshed....Here is some info on castor oil packs for those who do not know...


Castor oil therapy has been used for centuries to promote healing in the body and more specifically the reproductive system. By applying a castor oil pack externally, positive benefits have been found.

What is Castor Oil?
Castor oil is derived from the seeds of the Castor plant (Ricinus communis), also known as Palma Christi. Castor oil has been used for thousands of years, dating back as far as 4,000 years.

What is a Castor Oil Pack?
A Castor Oil Pack is a cloth soaked in castor oil which is placed on the skin to enhance circulation and promote healing of the tissues and organs underneath the skin.

What Can a Castor Oil Pack be Used for?

How To Use A Castor Oil Pack
Castor oil has been traditionally used to aid in cases with inflammation, pain, growths or when increased circulation was desired. When it comes to fertility Castor Oil packs could be a great, supportive and relaxing therapy for:
Supports ovarian health*
Supports fallopian tube health*
Supports uterine health*
Detoxifying before conception*
Supports Egg Health*


How Do Castor Oil Packs Promote Healing?
Castor oil packs stimulate 3 important parts of the body: lymphatic and circulatory systems and the liver. The stimulation of these body systems aids the body in healing the organs and tissues beneath where the castor oil pack is applied.

Lymphatic System
The lymphatic system is made up of lymphatic vessels, lymph nodes and lymph, a clear to yellowish fluid. Lymphocytes are the cells of the lymphatic system. Lymphocytes to help provide immunological defense against disease. This system runs throughout our entire body. Lymph nodes are concentrated in certain areas of the body. Many lymph nodes surround the reproductive organs.
The lymphatic system removes toxins and waste from the area stimulated by the castor oil pack. They lymphatic system provides each cell in the body a means to get rid of waste. They lymphatic system relies on external movement and manipulation, as well as regular movement of the entire body to function. The lymphatic system does not have a “pump” to move the lymph through it like the circulatory system has the heart. Castor oil packs are one way to stimulate movement of lymph. Regular exercise is also a vital way to maintain lymphatic system health.

Stimulation of the lymphatic system occurs by applying the Castor oil pack over the reproductive system. This helps to cleanse the reproductive organs and promote healing of damaged tissues where the pack is applied.

Circulatory System
The circulatory system is more familiar to most people, the most familiar parts being the heart, blood, veins and arteries. It runs throughout the entire body.

The promotion of circulation by the castor oil pack will bring in fresh oxygenated, nutrient rich blood to the reproductive organs, including the uterus. Without proper circulation to the reproductive organs, they may not function at their best, this may invite disease, hinder proper healing of damaged areas, promote formation of scar tissue and adhesion.

The Liver
The liver is our chemical processing plant. The liver removes hormones, drugs, and other biologically active molecules from the blood. It then converts these by changing their structure or inactivating them, through different processes, and then excretes these to be passed through the kidneys. If there are too many excess toxins and hormones overwhelming the liver, they may be stored up, not only in the liver, but other parts of our body, especially fat.

The liver also makes 1/3 to 1/2 of all lymph. Liver health is vital to proper function of the lymphatic system. A liver that is overwhelmed due to poor diet, poor lifestyle choices, being sedentary, or exposure to xenohormones, cannot adequately function, or produce lymph as well. This may contribute to hormonal imbalance and disease.

How to Use a Castor Oil Pack
Soak the flannel cloth that is contained in the kit with castor oil and place it on the skin. Cover the flannel with a sheet of plastic, and then a how water bottle or heating pack is placed over the plastic to heat the pack. Cover everything with a towel and relax.

The best place to place a castor oil pack for fertility issues if over the lower abdomen.

Precautions: Castor oil should not be taken internally. It should not be applied to broken skin. It should not be used during pregnancy, breastfeeding, or during menstruation. If you are actively trying to conceive, discontinue use after ovulation has occurred.


How to prepare your Castor Oil Pack
Materials


One flannel cloth contained in the kit
One bottle of Castor oil contained in the kit
Plastic wrap cut one to two inches larger than the flannel (can be cut from a plastic bag)
Hot water bottle
Container with lid
Old clothes and sheets. Castor oil will stain clothing and bedding.

Step-by-step instructions I(video below)


1. Place the flannel in the container. Soak it in castor oil so that it is saturated, but not dripping.

2. Place the pack over the affected body part.

3. Cover with plastic.

4. Place the hot water bottle over the pack. Leave it on for 30-45 minutes. Rest while the pack is in place.

5. After removing the pack, cleanse the area with a dilute solution of water and baking soda.

6. Store the pack in the covered container in the refrigerator. Each pack may be reused up to 25-30 times.


Summary
Castor oil packs stimulate important detoxification systems in the body; the lymphatic system and the liver. Castor oil packs also stimulate healthy circulation. All of this is important for clearing out toxins, dead or foreign tissues and old blood. The stimulation of these systems may also help prevent disease in the reproductive organs. Castor oil packs are a great way to support a healthy reproductive system.

See video below for a "how to" make a castor oil pack.



References: 1. Van De Graaff, Kent M., Stuart, Ira Fox, LaFluer, Karen M., Synopsis of Human Anatomy and Physiology, Wm. C. Brown Publishers, 1997 2. Ley, Beth M. Ph.D., Castor Oil! It’s Healing Properties, BL Publications, 2003 http://natural-fertility-info.com/castor-oil-therapy

One week away!!

My Appt with Braverman is just one week away! I cannot believe it! I have been counting down to this, for what seems like forever! I have all my labs and records ready to go, I have filled out the paper work online, and have set aside a few small things to pack...

I am not really looking forward to the time it takes to get there though...5 hours driving...ugh...BUT, I believe it will be worth it...I have been reading posts and blogs all over the net, from those who have gone before me and gotten a rainbow baby after seeing Braverman, so I am going to suck it up, and think about the future when I start to feel like the trip is too daunting...It is going to be worth it...


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Making it through....

This last weekend had to be the worst set of episodes I have had to date. I don't know if it is just psychological because I finally told some family and friends, and the DR what I have been experiencing for up close to a year now, or if it is just because, instead of brushing it off as something else,( like side effects from fertility meds etc)  I am paying closer attention to track symptoms...

I spent the better part of the weekend, wrapped in my hubby's arms, with my left side numb/pins and needles and my vision going in and out...The numbness is like, when your foot falls asleep, and when you go to get up and walk on it, it hurts so bad...But instead of happening when there is no circulation, it feels like that for days on end, with NO relief.  My whole left side...The worst would happen in my left arm and hand and it would cause me to cry even just touching my husband and children...I find the episodes to get worse after I have been physical, or have gotten myself heated from doing something, be it exercise or whatever...In the case of this weekend, I went out to shovel the drive way, felt great while doing it...but as soon as my body temp went up, the symptoms came like a freight train...I have noticed this in the past, but just thought I was so terribly out of shape...Turns out, it is not normal...lol...

Then my vision was blurry for a few hours as well, and while I can manage it most of the time, I was really more jolted by the fear than anything....It is starting to all come together...All of the things I experienced for the last year or so....All of the immune symptoms...The losses...It all makes sense now...And yet, there is little comfort in that...Having answers sometimes makes things a bit harder to bare, and harder to wait through...

I am on day 10 of Birth control. RE prescribed me the Loestrin24FE. I don't seem to be having many side effects...But then again, I have felt so crappy, I am not sure I would have been able to decipher what was related to what...I could be thyroid related too a bit (the exhaustion)  I am pretty sure my TSH is swinging again, because I went from feeling semi hyper, full of energy, etc last week to being stuck on the couch with such major exhaustion this last weekend/this week.  I have not done a thing in the house in 5 days...My laundry is piled up, and the rooms need cleaning...Hubby has been nice enough to keep the living spaces tidy and the dishes done, but even he cant do it all and work full time.

I have a ton to do before my Mom flies out form CA for her visit...But it will have to wait another few days...I just cannot muster the strength to do it, at least not today...

Today, I am going to work on, at the very least, boosting myself, spiritually and emotionally...I am going to listen to my fave songs, and write some...I am going to take time to enjoy the little things...I am going to learn something NEW today, and hopefully everyday...I am going to be thankful for the things and people I have in my life...I am not going to take for granted the past, that has taught me so much...I am going to be more open to love and hope and faith, and refuse to let the circumstances of the last 2 years or even the last 2 weeks, make me bitter...I will rise above, and come out on the other side victorious...I am not sure what that will look like exactly, but I know, if I keep my focus, I will learn something invaluable  form all of this...Maybe, just maybe it will help someone else too....


Friday, March 8, 2013

Lot's of appointments...

I was able to get in for an appointment on March 19th with a Neuro - to get set up for a Brain scan....Which I have to say was quite a miracle...

My primary DR was going to refer me to the group next door to them, but they were booking out 2+ months...That was NOT going to work for me. Our Insurance changes over April 2nd, and I have a HUGE deductible to reach before they even will touch 80/20 coverage, and the brain scan would only be covered 60%, leaving me with 40% to pay out of pocket, where, if I get it done now, I only a small co pay for the scan and office visit...So, I decided to call around. I must have called 15 places and they were all booking far out, even for emergent cases! yikes!

Finally...The last place I called...They were able to get me an opening, and said they would bump me up if they had a cancellation! yay!! Not only does this make things much easier financially, but it also makes things MUCH less stressful not having to wait so long to rule this out... Hopefully I will have the scan done the following week...

I am believing that the scan will be CLEAR as a bell, and we will have NO worries...I just want it over and done!

Then, we leave for Long island to head down to see Braverman on the 21st ...yay!

THEN, April 1st...My MOMMY comes to visit!!!!!! yay!!! It has been almost 2 years since our last visit...We are so excited! we have some great plans for family fun...It is going to be a great time for us to really set aside all the TTC and health issues and just enjoy family...I cannot wait!

Other than that, not much going on...Just taking it a day at a time.


Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Just great...

So on top of everything else...I got word today, my primary DR wants to send me to a neurologist...They are concerned about multiple sclerosis ...I am going for a brain scan just as soon as I can get in and get set up with an appt....

And to just add insult to injury, we found out our second car has to be junked because the frame is rotted...The person ( dealer, not private seller) who sold it (just a year ago)  was a lying liar...Ugh....

I could use any and all prayers...Thanks...::sigh::

Sunday, March 3, 2013

A new season...

Today marks a new season for us...The season of healing...

I started my period...And also started my birth control pills as well...

We have decided to take a few months to re-group a bit, come up with a game plan with the new immuneologist, and save some $$, in hopes of being able to afford a round of immune treatments, once I am healthy, have lost a little weight, and have healed a little......I know I cannot ( even if we had the money) go right into this treatments and protocols....I need to have a time to rest and let the Lord restore me, and prepare me, and strengthen me and HEAL me, TOTALLY....

I am going to spend the next few months, focusing on the things I have in front of me already...I am going to work on growing closer to the Lord...I have let the grief and pain of loss,  keep me from drawing closer, and really leaning on him....Not intentionally,  just inadvertently... The hurt and pain, keeps me angry, bitter, jealous, sad and depressed...I dont want it anymore...I want to be free, I want to be healed, and restored...I know that can happen even without having another baby, and so, I am going to focus on doing what I can right now, while we wait to heal emotionally, while I pray for my physical healing from all of this immune stuff....

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Info on Alloimmune implantation dysfunction...

I found this great article, that does a good job of explaining exactly what is going on with us...And while I have not seen Braverman, my labs (and history) reflect this to a T, all the way down to the low T regs, the Th1 domination over Th2 etc...Just thought I would share this for those wondering what all of this stuff really means...Of course, this is just a faucet of the many ( Hashi's/PCOS/auto immune stuff) issues against us, but probably the one that will be the hardest to over come..


Alloimmune Implantation Dysfunction
Every human being has two DQ-alpha genes. One is contributed by the father and the other by the mother. In a small percentage of patients undergoing IVF, paternal-maternal DQ-alpha gene similarities occur.In such cases, following repeated exposures to such genetically matching embryos, this will provoke activation of the decidual immune system. In most cases, through the mechanisms described above, this will lead to NK/CTL activation and reproductive failure (i.e.; infertility, and pregnancy loss).We refer to this phenomenon as alloimmune implantation dysfunction.
This is how alloimmune implantation dysfunction happens:Immunogenetically triggered HLA-G signaling by the embryo leads to a reduction in Treg cells, and eventually to a destabilization of NK/CTLs with domination of TH-1 over TH-2 activity. The severity with which this occurs determines whether total implantation failure will occur, or whether there remains enough residual trophoblastic activity to allow the pregnancy to limp along until the nutritional supply can no longer meet the demands of the pregnancy, at which point miscarriage or pregnancy loss occurs.
With paternal-maternal DQ alpha matching, it often takes several pregnancies for natural killer cell activation to build to the point that a woman with alloimmune implantation dysfunction will present with clinical evidence of implantation dysfunction. Sometimes it starts off with one or two pregnancies surviving to the birth of a baby, whereupon NK cell activity later starts to build, leading to one or more subsequent early miscarriages. Eventually the NK cell/CTL activity is so high that subsequent pregnancies can be lost before the woman is even aware that she was pregnant at all. At this point she is often diagnosed with secondary “unexplained” infertility.

( here is the article's link to read in it's entirety if you wish...I am not so thrilled about his view on treatments for people with DQ matching etc...)

http://haveababy.com/fertility-information/ivf-authority/understanding-immunologic-implantation-dysfunction_16-2/

Friday, March 1, 2013

Really!?


Sooo.......I got  all the insurance info for our new insurance plan ( DH's company phased out the better plan we had to "cut costs") effective April 2nd, and I decided called in to ask about the two( IVIG and Nuepogen)  meds that we would need ( most likely, as they are the only two options for out issues) to use...Yea, NOT covered, not even in the slightest- As in they don't even have a "high co pay" option available, they just don't cover it at all....

=(

AND, to top it all  off, the premium is more expensive, we have a higher deductible AND more OOP costs... Blood work is no longer 100% covered, instead is 80/20- and when you run 6 grand in blood work a pop even 20% is a lot of money...And that is IF reprosource is even "IN NETWORK"...If not then I pay 40 %!
=(

I am soooo frustrated!!!! I hate that this has to be so hard, and I hate that insurance companies are so stupid, and I hate that the meds are so darn expensive! I just really hate today...

Something tells me that AF is also on her way, based on my "lovely" mood, and super nasty cramps...
=/

When hope is lost....

I'll call you savior...When Pain surrounds, I'll you healer...

Tested...

For those stalking my chart and wondering if I finally tested again...

I broke down this morning, and there was still a super faint line..About the same as it was 4 days ago...I know it is not the trigger still (15 days past today) but there was def no real progression...Just a super faint, faint line (on on all 3 tests). I had this feeling we caught the eggy, but as soon as I got the news about the matches, I just knew it would not stick....I wanted to hope for a miracle, but I just knew, which was why I did not obsess over testing for a couple days, cause, well, why waste tests and get excited for nothing?

So, I got my RX for some birth control from the RE...I will stop progesterone tonight, and then as soon as AF shows, I start my pill pack, and stay on it for a few months, while we wait to see the DR, and save/come up with a game plan on how we are going to afford the treatments....

In the mean time, going to do the "get healthy" thing again...DH and I both booked appts with our Primary DR's for a physical, and we are both going to start a diet/exercise program, and really do whatever we can to control what we have control of....Also, we will be praying every day for healing for me, and for a divine miracle to take place...I am going to go up for prayer at church as well, and take advantage of everything I can  in this time, to bring healing physically, emotionally, and spiritually... I want to be as "ready" as possible, so that when we do try again with the stuff we need, I will be healthy, inside and out...

I am still feeling really sad about it all,  but I am trying to take that and focus on the things I can change...One day at a time....::sigh::