Thursday, May 29, 2014

Say Something....*God answers back*

I posted a few months ago about a song by Great big world called "say something"...The moment I heard the song, I left like it spoke to the depth of me, where I was questioning "God where are you? say something, I am giving up on you!"...Through the last few years, its has been almost unfathomable to see just HOW MUCH loss we have endured...With each loss that we prayed for a miracle for, it was another disappointment, another way I felt the chasm between God and I get bigger and his voice more distant, his love almost nonexistent...I knew he didn't "cause our losses to happen" but he COULD have at least save ONE baby...Or at least spared me surgeries and complications that were so unnecessary...Anyway...This song was almost my anthem, as we began to close this chapter of our lives...Over the course of the last few months I would say I have inched closer to God again, but there are times I keep doubting and asking "where are you in the midst of all this pain! I am not asking for a miracle anymore, I just want peace! I cry out and hear nothing!!"...Needless to say its been a battle...

This song popped up on my feed this morning, (I thought it was just a regular extended cover) and because I had not heard the song in a while I figured, why not have a GOOD cry to start the day, since I woke up feeling melancholy....I clicked play...The tears started....

Then about halfway through, I realized this was NOT a typical cover song....I will let YOU hear it for yourself, but, cue more TEARS...


Monday, May 26, 2014

So much to say....

But yet, I am lost for words....

I am such a mix of emotions lately...I don't know if I am coming or going...Between my health (which is still touch and go right now due to some unknown auto immune function/virus), my Mom's tests ( she goes for more tests this week and a biopsy) and of course the move...As excited as I am for it, I am just so mixed up too!! (I am sure the birth control pills I started recently is NOT helping me any in the emotional department!) Closing this chapter in our lives signifies so much and it's kind of hard to let go of all of the things we tried to build upon in this last chapter...The good and the bad...Some days I am ready, some days I am anything but ready for this to all get real...

But ready or not, in 26 days, we will close the door to this house, this chapter, this part of our lives and set out on a adventure across the country....26 days....

Oh, AND, a update on weight loss battle- None lost recetly, because well, I feel like POOP- BUT no gaining either and considering I am emo eating and laying in bed a lot, I am happy about it! lol...I decided to throw on a pair of pants that were TOO TIGHT on me last winter-


I have a LONG ways to go to get to my goal, but I also have come a LONG way already and need to remind myself of these little accomplishments when I am feeling down...:)



Tuesday, May 20, 2014

This happened...

started seasonique pills-

Last week, I had some pretty nasty health issues that landed me in the ER (thank you effed up immune system) and almost got me emergency surgery for appendicitis. LUckily, NO surgery was needed, it was just lymph nodes in my abdomen ( yes they are in there too! I had NO idea!) that got inflamed and  aggravated my spleen etc...This also just happened to be on CD 1...I think we may have had a chemical (we were NTNP, butI wasn't testing) and it triggered another immune flare- 

Regardless, between how crappy I have been feeling, the upcoming road trip (32 days and we leave from NY for Cali~!) not to mention the fact we are moving back in with my parents (not out of necessity, more convenience, we could afford a house but are saving money, and are making up for lost time with the rent anyway) I don't need to throw in the physical and emotional aspects of a miscarriage into the mix, or GOD forbid, another ectopic...Hell to the NO!
So back on BCP's I go for a while anyway...I hate them, and hell, they have even failed me before a couple time, but at least I am TRYING to limit the amount of screwed up things that can happen as we transition from life here in NY to life in CA here soon...

Also, thank you for prayers for my Mom, she goes back in for more tests this week...Its not been easy trying to keep from worrying, but we are trying...

Also, trying to get myself into a rheumatologist and immunologist there in CA...I got some more of my records from Braverman, and have been scouring the rest of the results in regards to ways those off kilter immune functions can affect the rest of my body and it isn't good. not to mention the ER dr told me based on some of the other symptoms I  am having ( bone pain swollen lymph, extreme fatigue elevated WBC) I need to go get seen by a specialist anyway...Just waiting to get a referral from  primary to fax over or bring with me to a provider there in CA, since the wait list to be seen here in 3+ months...at least my mom and I can be DR appt buddies~! Trying to find the silver lining... 

Anyway, thats pretty much all thats going on here- it is getting down to crunch time- and final preparations are being made for the move- in 39 days, I will be posting from California! 

Friday, May 16, 2014

Prayers please...

My Mom just got the call...There are two spots on her mammogram, she needs further testing...She already survived breast cancer once 10 years ago, I know she can fight it again, but good grief, we needed a streak of good news not more bad...ugh...Moving could not happen soon enough. I need to be close to my mom...Any and all prayers are greatly appreciated!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

I survived

Mother's day that is.

I wrote in a previous post, about how the day was really going to be emotional for me in so many ways...Especially with the should be due date of our last loss falling on the same day...And, It was. I woke up early that morning, and sat alone on the couch drinking my coffee and thinking...Thinking about the last 4 years we have endured...The HOPE, excitement, and celebration at the start of each pregnancy, and the immense loss, devastation and grief  with each loss...Remembering in such depth, ALL of the events that took place, brought it back in technicolor/surround sound...It was as if I could taste the tears that fell from my cheeks, and feel the intense ache deep in my soul all over again...The more I thought, the more I realized, I was not ready to face this day outside of the 4 walls of my home, and especially not at church, on the one day when they exhort all the Mother's/babies...There was a little peace that came just from admitting I was "not ok" enough to do the church thing this year...


I sooooo wanted to get up that morning, get dolled up in my sunday's best, and snap some cute  Mom/Kids pics before heading into church, followed by sunday brunch and family game/movie night, seamlessly getting through the day, unscathed by the meaning behind it...I wanted to conquer the day victoriously. (perhaps signaling the start of true healing?) But how on earth could I go through a day like that, created to honor Mother's and their babies, and just pretend that all was well and "happy ever after"?  How could I forget each little life that was so very wanted, yet so swiftly taken from us...How can I forget that with every card, kiss and macaroni necklace I get from my children here in this life,  there's always someone missing that should have been here...How can I just NOT honor the lives those little babies had, however brief? I am just as much a mother to those angels, as I am to the babies I have here with me to hold in this life,  and because the LOVE I have for ALL my children stretches so DEEP, it is impossible to just "forget" ..Impossible to just "get over"...unfathomable for me to even consider not thinking of them on such a day, and every day really...They are forever apart of me...And yet, they untouchable at the very same time...It makes for a very difficult emotional battle on Days like Mother's day...

So, instead of the standard celebratory events, we spent the day at home...It was a beautiful, perfectly sunny, spring day...Everything in bloom....I tried my best to escape my melancholy mood, and live in the moment, instead of in the past and let  the "should be's" over take me...But it was HARD...I wont lie...In fact, I am still dealing with the emotional after effects even today. But, I survived...And One day, maybe one day, I will be able to conquer Mother's day with a smile on my face, at the thought of my angels dancing in heaven instead of a tear in my eye, wishing I could make memories with them even for just one moment....


Monday, May 12, 2014

A small glimpse ...


Of where we will be living....This is in the area of the San Bernardino national forest, also known as Crestline, Lake arrowhead, Running Springs- Big bear Lake area-
 Here are some random snap shots of the area-


















here is a vid from the city, up the mountain....:)

Saturday, May 10, 2014

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you



Friday, May 2, 2014

International Bereaved Mother's Day

May has always been a hard month for me...It comes right after the passing of my father ( April 28th 2004- also the day I found out I was pregnant with Hannah in 2008) and Holds a lot of dates that are triggers for me...One being....Mother's Day...

Ever since we lost Hannah, at 19 weeks in 2008, I have struggled with Mother's day. Now, nearly 6 years later, and I struggle even more...Especially since we have two "should have been" due dates on Mothers day, two years in a row.... I should have been due LAST Mother's day with a rainbow baby (our first  ectopic)...And THIS Mother's day marks our last "should be EDD" from our last "documented"(as in not a chemical, and in my medical records) pregnancy, our last, and 4th ectopic (the 8th documented loss in 3 years) that required the removal of my right tube....

Also to add insult to injury, AF also just happens to be due on mother's day this year for me too, and even though we are NOT TTC, getting AF every month just reminds me that we have everything we "need" to make a baby (sperm, eggs etc) but, my immune system is out of control, and kills my babies, and there is NOTHING I can do to stop it short of paying 30 grand...It makes my heart ache to know I can't protect and keep my own babies safe in my own body which was made to protect them...I feel like I fail at being a "mother"...


To say that Mother's Day leaves me raw with emotion would be a understatement...Which is why I am SOOOOOO thankful Carly marie and friends started up International Bereaved Mother's day....It was surprising to me at first, to find out the origins of the Mother's day we celebrate today, and then disgusting to see how mass marketing has turned it into more of a tacky retail holiday than anything...

What I love about International Bereaved Mother's Day, is that I have a day where I can FULLY honor (not half heartedly, as to not offend the  glitter poopers who think loss cannot be celebrated and honored with life too) my babies who thrive only in my heart and dance in the heavens...I get to Honor the fact that I am STILL their mother, even if no one else remembers them...At least they know I remember them every day, and that they can be celebrated  as my children...That brings me a little bit of comfort.

This Sunday, and even the sunday after that, I am going to TRY to focus all the energy I have into Honoring the life my little babies did have, (however brief) and hold them close in my heart. I am also going to Honor ALL of the mothers out there struggling this year, because I know I am not in the minority with this...Because 1 in 6 women will experience the loss of a child at least one in their lifetime...Hugz to all my loss mommas out there...