Saturday, November 3, 2012

Falling apart...

I feel like everything is falling apart. Pretty much everywhere in my life, things are in chaos, and shambles...

To start with, the whole canceled cycle thing has only gotten worse- My TSH ( thyroid labs) have gotten even worse in a matter of days and no one knows why, I am STILL bleeding now, 12 days total- and it is NOT letting up- I dont bleed this long, ever, even after giving birth!? I don't get it! BUT I guess a little part of me is happy we did not try to cycle anyway, as it is certain this cycle would be a bust, regardless of what we did/do- But still....

So then, yesterday morning, I wake up feeling fine....Within a HOUR of being awake, my neck locks up, and I cant move it a bit- excruciating pain.I toughed it out all day, then finally decided, OK, I need to go get some meds for this, as I was laying on the couch bawling like a baby from the pain...Off to Urgent care we went...

I get there explain the last week or so, in regards to hormones, bleeding, TSH, neck issues. They draw blood, and get the ball rolling. Blood count came back find and iron ok, but probably need a little supps. So he said to follow up with OB/RE about bleeding Monday, as long as it does not get worse Other wise, I need to go to the ER asap. Ok I can deal with that-

Then, the nurse comes in to get vitals again, and goes over my meds- what I am taking etc...I am running through some of the meds I have been on/ am only on when I am cycling etc-After all that was done, the conversation went something like:

"Are you trying for a boy or girl or something?"  I said " Um, that is  kind of a personal question"- she went on to say- " Oh, sorry,  I was wondering why you would do that if you already have 3 kids, you couldn't pay me to put myself through the fertility treatments if I already had kids, Id just be happy with what I have" (insert judgy, snotty attitude)
- My jaw dropped...I said -- "well I have had 15+ losses,I am not doing the meds  because I cant get pregnant it is cause I keep losing them from immune issues"- I still kept my composure and let it go...She left, DR came in, and we chatted more about his thoughts on my neck pain, and  said he was going to send me for a X ray, and see what happens, other wise I would be going to hospital for spinal tap ( to rule out meningitis - I begged NOT to have that happen, as I have NO other symptoms-

So the  X ray tech came in to get me, and took me back- and was being snappy and strange from the get go- Then, while trying to make small talk, she was like Oh how many kids do you have- and I said 4- etc..." she says " Oh wow and you want another?" and I said, " that is a bit personal", in a snappy way, and she was like " well I was just trying to make conversation" as she grabs my neck and tries to manually turn it when I told her I cont move it!! I freaked out- finally caught a lab tech/nurse I know ( most of the staff on last night I did not know) and she got the director of the facility down to talk to me...I cried and cried- and explained how terrible those things were they said etc- and also expressed my  frustration with the lab issues from  last week when they lost my labs, did not run them in time ( they were STAT) etc, not once, but TWICE, and it has happened in the past SEVERAL times) which they were aware of and had been fixing (they ordered a NEW E2 machine JUST for me, so they would not have to send my labs out she said she calls it the (insert my real name) special! LOL....She said to me ( the director) " you are like family here, we want to make sure this is taken care of and I am going to deal with those women tonight" -To which I heard them being chewed out.....LOL...

 I know I have been at this too long when the lab/facility staff and the facility managers know me personally and order 10,000 dollar machines to appease me...LOL!!...Ah what have I become??! BUT then I think about the testimony of GOD that will come when we have that baby to all those people who have watched me endure this madness!!! One might wonder WHY I keep going back...Well, simply put, LOCATION. it is 5 mins from my house, VS 25 mins to the RE, and I don't have to pay a co pay when I go to my lab, everything is covered 100%, but when I go to my RE labs I pay 50 bucks a pop, so I endure the crap for convenience.

OK-So then, X ray's come back, And they said my neck is so spazzed out, they could see the muscle contortion in the X ray even!! They finally discharge me, and send me off with lortabs and valium. ( flying HIGH now...LOL) And told me to rest. That's what I am doing- rest, rest, resting. Still in a considerable amount of pain, despite the fun meds...They also repeated my TSH again, cause he saw my previous labs from the RE in the computers, and was also shocked and worried about the spikes ( TSH went fro. 1.24 to 4.09- then, to  8.20 just 3 days after the 4.09 result!!!)- so I will get a call today on those levels, and also need to get in to see the regular endo to figure out whats up....My body is like falling apart!! ahhhhh!!!

SO then, to touch on the other drama...It is never ending...Family drama,( another novel post)  church drama,( it would take me hours to write up on that one too) money issues, car issues,( I hate cars!) I mean seriously, my stress level is like a 15 on a scale of 1-10....No wonder my neck locked up so tight, I am a ball of stress compacted into a ready to explode bomb....

Now more than ever, I am thinking this may not have been the best time to cycle anyway, so maybe God knows what he is doing...Cause this would have been a heck of a time to try and focus on timing BD, OPK's etc...I honestly am not "feeling it", and am feeling very defeated...::sigh:::
One step at a time-


  1. Wow I can't believe that someone in the medical profession would say something like that to you. How inappropriate. I am so sorry. :( Ugh I hope that all of your issues resolve in a timely manner. Hang in there.

  2. Yikes! Some people really need to learn how to mind their own business! People in that profession should know better anyway. You deserve a medal for going through that without telling them off, hopefuly they will be more respectful next time :)


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