Tuesday, December 2, 2014

I am sacred...

The sacred project film....



I have seen this floating around the loss community the last few days, and unfortunately I did not get our babies names (there are too many anyway) in the film, but I know many close to me, who did, and when I sat to watch this, I was so moved with emotion, I wept at first...What I saw was not grief, so they were not tears of despair, but, on the contrary....Tears of release, and JOY....I saw women embracing what happened to them , but, rising from the ashes and learning there is beauty in these ashes, and  in what we have experienced, and there is no shame....we are NOT broken...we are SACRED....













I started to realize, I can stop loathing my body, and embrace what it is, what it was and what it will always remain as...A sacred place where my babies...ALL of them....My earth babies or my heaven angels...They all felt LOVE...







                               I am a scared space, forever and for always...Because of THEM....

(my picture, taken today, to always remember, I am sacred, and when I feel so very broken)

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

In honor of all of our angel babies

I got a picture today that I ordered back in July in honor of all of our angel babies...created by Carly Marie at projectheal.com 

Because we have lost soooo many babies  I chose to use something that would represent them all (last name) -

I can't wait to get a big print of this to hang in the house!!


Saturday, August 23, 2014

Starting to feel like "home"

Its been so strange being back in my old home town, back in good ol California...But, it feels GOOD! Its so much different in this new season of my life..I cannot explain it, but I just feel like every day I am here, a weight is being lifted off of me...Despite the craziness of my health struggles, I am filled with much more peace and joy on a regular basis...I can stretch out, breathe and be "me"....Crazy, silly, perfectly imperfect ME...

Me with some elementary/middle school buddies :) catching up, reminiscing, being silly, and making new memories! 


I have been connecting with old friends, in this new season, and it just amazes me how MUCH we ALL have been through, and survived...seeing who we all have become through the years...Being in our 30's now, things are just different, but at the same time, seem so much like the "good ol days" all at once...I have also met some new friends who have brought a richness to my life that I cannot seen to explain in words adequately...

Each new day is an adventure, and filled with new things...Because I am here with my amazing husband and kids, who are new to this area, it is like I am experiencing it all for the very first time. I am so thankful that we "made it" out here, and were able to make the HUGE decision to move 3,000 miles and totally flip our worlds upside down to make this new start...It wasn't EASY, but it was worth it...

With every passing day, it starts feeling more like HOME, and less like a chaotic, prolonged vacation...lol...

Here are some random pics :)



IN N Out Burger!!!!!! YUM!!!
 


                                                           More sunsets....


View from the road that goes across the mountain range... The mountain breeze and sun on my skin...Its priceless...
                                                                           




view from front porch when sun sets after a storm...
critters...lol




More views while driving...Breathtaking every time we leave the house...



My back yard...
                                                                                                          (celebrating hubbys B day) 



Saturday, June 21, 2014

Last day....

Last day here in NY ... I'm pretty much lost for words ...



We leave tomorrow at o dark thirty ...




Friday, June 13, 2014

Empathy VS. Sympathy

LOVE this short clip- We all need to remember this and practice this more...



Thursday, June 12, 2014

My Lighthouse

I have heard this song so many times...Its been kind of my anthem...







I feel like, right now, I am stuck in the middle of the ocean, on a tiny raft with a slowly leaking hole...Meanwhile, there is every kind of storm known to the world swirling around me...NO, not just some rain, and waves and lightning or thunder...But MASSIVE storm, after storm, after storm, after STORM, that keeps battering me...Over and over...I keep hanging on to the vision in my heart of that "safe shore" ...I cannot wait to get there, lay in the warm sand and BREATHE without swallowing salty water and tears....But, For now, I cling to my leaky raft for dear life, while I search for that light house to give me a beam of light to follow out of this mess...Out of the darkness...Out of the Storms that have engulfed my life...




Tuesday, June 10, 2014

How true...


I often think, when people see me out, on the good days, enjoying my family and life as MUCH as possible, regardless of how crazy and scary things might be right now, they must look and think "wow look how happy/perfect they are"...

Everyone is facing a battle, and rarely do we let our guards down for other's to see it...

I choose to let mine down here on my blogs, because, I know somewhere, someone might be facing a similar situation and battle in their life that they have not felt comfortable sharing, and desperately want to feel less alone.....And it seems like the only way we connect and care about other total strangers, is online, in a virtual world....I just wish sometimes, people could see into our lives deeper than first appearances once in a while, and maybe we would all realize, we are hurting, from something, and everyone needs a little compassion, without having to justify why...

Saturday, June 7, 2014

OBGYN appt- Update on Mass-

Went in Yesterday to see the OBGYN about the mass in my uterus that was found a couple weeks ago.

I really don't feel like going into all the nitty gritty details, like how every pregnant and newborn that could have been in the office, was there...So Ill keep this short. The OBGYN said the mass/growth is Adenomyosis, that has considerably embedded in between the posterior uterine muscle/wall. It does not "look" cancerous in nature, but there is NO way to biopsy it due to the location and a Hysterectomy is suggested....If it grows at all or change by next can, it won't be a "recommendation"...

Obviously not right NOW, but soon... Once we get set up with DR's out there, I need a re scan of the area and a second opinion. (The OBGYN appt yesterday was already the 3rd opinion at this point if you count the ER doc's) Of course, it does NOT take a rocket scientist to figure out that a Hysterectomy would be the utter worst thing for me right now , emotionally speaking, having lost SO much...I cannot lose what makes me a woman, my ONLY chance at carrying another baby in the future if they have some medical breakthroughs in immunology...It could totally take that away from me...Not to mention, the issues that can arise with prolapse after taking out that MUCH of your insides...I do NOT want my bladder falling into my vagina! Not now, not ever....

my OBGYN did say, the mass is the LEAST of my issues, and they should be biopsying the lymphs that randomly swell with no rhyme or reason, and figuring out the source of the Bone pain etc...:::sigh::: every DR I see wants to point a finger at another DR and say "they should be doing this or that"...Meanwhile I am stuck in between, and believe me when I say, I am NOT new to being my own advocate, but when you are dealing with THIS MANY different specialists and DR's...OMG!!!!!! Brain is fried!!

Today...I am trying not to think about it all...Today, I am missing my babies...
'











I am SOOOOOOOOOOO Wishing I was exhausted from nursing and sleepless nights due to cuddling and caring for a newborn, not exhausted from stress and physical limitations my body keeps putting on me that NO one can seem to give answers for or fix...


Things have to get better soon, right?

Edited to add- ANA came back positive and white blood cells are still elevated- No one knows why yet-

Friday, June 6, 2014

Use of intralipids for recurrent pregnancy loss- Info from Braverman-

On Tuesday, (6/3/2014) Dr. Braverman delivered a presentation at the 34th Annual Meeting of the American Society of Reproductive Immunology about the use of intralipid therapy for recurrent pregnancy loss.

Intralipid therapy for recurrent pregnancy loss – controversies and future directions

J Braverman, DR Ritsck
Braverman Reproductive Immunology PC, Woodbury, New York, USA

Intralipid is a 20% fat emulsion containing soybean oil triglycerides that was developed as a source of parenteral nutrition for patients unable to tolerate an oral diet.  Immunomodulatory functions of Intralipid infusions were subsequently noted and Intralipid infusions, touted by many as an inexpensive alternative to IVIG, are now widely used to treat recurrent pregnancy loss. 

While Intralipid infusions have been used for years in women experiencing recurrent pregnancy loss with anecdotal success, a satisfactory explanation for its therapeutic effects has been largely lacking.  We will discuss controversies regarding its potential immunological mechanisms of action.  There are several studies that demonstrate inhibitory effects of Intralipid on NK cell cytotoxicity, but there is so far no satisfactory description of the mechanism by which this effect is achieved.  It is also not clear if Intralipid-mediated suppression of NK cell cytotoxicity is a relevant mechanism for its effects on preventing immunological pregnancy loss.

Alternatively, Intralipid’s effects may be mediated through metabolic effects on T cells.  While resting T cells have a relatively low metabolic demand and use a balance of glucose, lipids, and amino acids as their metabolic fuel, activation of T cells causes them to undergo a dramatic metabolic reprogramming.  While activation of effector T (Teff) cells of the Th1, Th2 and Th17 induces a decrease in fatty acid oxidation (FAO) and shift glucose metabolism away from oxidative phosphorylation and towards glycolysis, regulatory T (Treg) cells conversely rely heavily on FAO, and not on glycolysis, for fuel.  The distinct metabolic differences between Treg and other T cell lineages may provide a target for selective immunomodulation that could be exploited therapeutically.  Recent studies in fact have demonstrated that addition of exogenous fatty acids to T cells during activation inhibits differentiation of Teff cells and favors differentiation of Treg cells.  Additionally, metformin increases Treg cell generation by binding to and activating AMP kinase, which in turn inhibits mTOR and causes a decrease in glycolysis and an increase in FAO.  Thus, Intralipid infusion may function as one arm of an immunometabolic approach to promote Treg cell-mediated tolerance of the semi-allogenic embryo and efficient embryo implantation.      

While there are obvious differences in their biochemical composition, Intralipid infusions are promoted by many clinicians as an inexpensive and effective functional alternative to IVIG.  We will discuss this controversial idea informed by both the literature and our extensive clinical experience with both Intralipid and IVIG, including evaluation of our own data.     

Finally, we will discuss areas for future research including the use of alternative intravenous fat emulsions containing higher ratios of ω-3 to ω-6 fatty acids.         



Monday, June 2, 2014

Adventures in urgent care land...

So, a lot has happened in the last week or so...I wish It was good things, but instead, just more junk heaped on to our already full plate...

So 2 week ago I was in urgent care for side/abdominal pain...Turned out to be inflamed lymph in my intestine etc...Cause: remains unknown still...Still dealing with pain and major gastrointestinal issues, but i'm alive at least....Been trying to tough it out till we get to CA and get into a new practice ...

Fast forward to this last friday, and after mowing the lawn the day before, (First day I felt like getting out of bed in weeks) I find a tick, in my scalp..my first one ever...Ick! Here in upstate NY, lyme disease is HUGE ( 1 in 20 ticks carry lyme), and because my Son was diagnosed in the very late stage of Lyme in 2012, ( we never knew he was  bit) I wanted to be sure I went in and got the preventative meds anyway, especially since the tick wa a nymph, which 90% of the time are the lyme carriers....So, off I go...

I get settled and in walks the DR I saw a week before for the side/abdominal pain...He wags his finger upon walking in the room, saying "I have been trying like HECK to get a hold of you!"...I was a bit baffled, and curious a to why...?...He went on to say he had been trying to get a hold of my primary (the useless doc who told me that if holocaust survivor can get over what happened to them, I need to get over our miscarriages....I could go on and on about the assine stuff he has done and said...) Then he tried to call my cell, but didn't leave a message, because I go by my middle name (Surprise, Megan is NOT my legal first name, my parents decided to torture me and call me by my middle name constantly confusing DR's) and my voice mail said "you have reached megan" and HIPPA makes it so that he cant take chance in case it wasn't my number...OK....

ALL that to say...The ultrasound upon further review showed some growths. Apparently my uterus is distorted in shape and size, and there is a myomatous infiltration of the uterine wall, and possible adenomyosis...Apparently it looked bad enough that the Urgent care DR's suggested I go in for a biopsy before we leave NY....I asked if there was anyway I could wait till we got sorted in CA, and he advised I do not wait...The big reason he wants to push for biopsy is that I am symptomatic, having pain with intercourse, and general pelvic fullness and increase urgency to urinate etc...I went to my OBGYN about thi in Feb and was given a RX for hydrocodone and offered NO testing...So the Urgent care DR set me up with a NEW primary that i going to advocate for my testing for the biopsy, and also, get me a referral to see a rheumy DR for the other issues (Bone pain, extreme fatigue, vision issues) which my current primary was not willing to do, he just wanted to give me MORE zoloft and xanax, and offer NO testing...

I am really hopeful this new DR can get a few thing rolling before we move to Cali, and cut off as much wait time as we can...If I can get in for the testing before we leave it will ensure I get into a practice out there sooner than if I was new patient  VS transferring records and having a head start on it all....

As far a the uterus thing goes, that scares me because the typical treatment for symptomatic people is a complete hysterectomy...That makes my heart jump in my throat...Take away my uterus?? I mean, yea, I hate the damn thing, it is a serial killer to my babies with the help of my immune system, but what if, just what IF, one day, we got the money, or a new med breakthrough in reproductive immunology happen and we can try again....But if I have no uterus, there is no more chances... As much as we have like NO hope of a take home baby due to the many faucets of our reproductive issues, to have literally NO womb inside of me just makes me feel sick inside...The grief I felt when one of my tubes was taken was terrible...I cant imagine having to take it all out and never , ever, ever be able to carry a baby again, not even for a couple weeks?...NEVER...? I just can't even articulate how much that would devastate me....

However, if it will save my life ( god forbid it (the growth) was not benign ) I would do it...I just hate the thought of this having to even be a POSSIBILITY...

::sigh:: I wanted to be having a baby right about now, not a biopsy....


In other news- we leave for Cali in 19 day!!!!!

Also, my mom is waiting to hear back on some of the other testing they have done...no news yet though.....Thank you for the prayers!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Say Something....*God answers back*

I posted a few months ago about a song by Great big world called "say something"...The moment I heard the song, I left like it spoke to the depth of me, where I was questioning "God where are you? say something, I am giving up on you!"...Through the last few years, its has been almost unfathomable to see just HOW MUCH loss we have endured...With each loss that we prayed for a miracle for, it was another disappointment, another way I felt the chasm between God and I get bigger and his voice more distant, his love almost nonexistent...I knew he didn't "cause our losses to happen" but he COULD have at least save ONE baby...Or at least spared me surgeries and complications that were so unnecessary...Anyway...This song was almost my anthem, as we began to close this chapter of our lives...Over the course of the last few months I would say I have inched closer to God again, but there are times I keep doubting and asking "where are you in the midst of all this pain! I am not asking for a miracle anymore, I just want peace! I cry out and hear nothing!!"...Needless to say its been a battle...

This song popped up on my feed this morning, (I thought it was just a regular extended cover) and because I had not heard the song in a while I figured, why not have a GOOD cry to start the day, since I woke up feeling melancholy....I clicked play...The tears started....

Then about halfway through, I realized this was NOT a typical cover song....I will let YOU hear it for yourself, but, cue more TEARS...


Monday, May 26, 2014

So much to say....

But yet, I am lost for words....

I am such a mix of emotions lately...I don't know if I am coming or going...Between my health (which is still touch and go right now due to some unknown auto immune function/virus), my Mom's tests ( she goes for more tests this week and a biopsy) and of course the move...As excited as I am for it, I am just so mixed up too!! (I am sure the birth control pills I started recently is NOT helping me any in the emotional department!) Closing this chapter in our lives signifies so much and it's kind of hard to let go of all of the things we tried to build upon in this last chapter...The good and the bad...Some days I am ready, some days I am anything but ready for this to all get real...

But ready or not, in 26 days, we will close the door to this house, this chapter, this part of our lives and set out on a adventure across the country....26 days....

Oh, AND, a update on weight loss battle- None lost recetly, because well, I feel like POOP- BUT no gaining either and considering I am emo eating and laying in bed a lot, I am happy about it! lol...I decided to throw on a pair of pants that were TOO TIGHT on me last winter-


I have a LONG ways to go to get to my goal, but I also have come a LONG way already and need to remind myself of these little accomplishments when I am feeling down...:)



Tuesday, May 20, 2014

This happened...

started seasonique pills-

Last week, I had some pretty nasty health issues that landed me in the ER (thank you effed up immune system) and almost got me emergency surgery for appendicitis. LUckily, NO surgery was needed, it was just lymph nodes in my abdomen ( yes they are in there too! I had NO idea!) that got inflamed and  aggravated my spleen etc...This also just happened to be on CD 1...I think we may have had a chemical (we were NTNP, butI wasn't testing) and it triggered another immune flare- 

Regardless, between how crappy I have been feeling, the upcoming road trip (32 days and we leave from NY for Cali~!) not to mention the fact we are moving back in with my parents (not out of necessity, more convenience, we could afford a house but are saving money, and are making up for lost time with the rent anyway) I don't need to throw in the physical and emotional aspects of a miscarriage into the mix, or GOD forbid, another ectopic...Hell to the NO!
So back on BCP's I go for a while anyway...I hate them, and hell, they have even failed me before a couple time, but at least I am TRYING to limit the amount of screwed up things that can happen as we transition from life here in NY to life in CA here soon...

Also, thank you for prayers for my Mom, she goes back in for more tests this week...Its not been easy trying to keep from worrying, but we are trying...

Also, trying to get myself into a rheumatologist and immunologist there in CA...I got some more of my records from Braverman, and have been scouring the rest of the results in regards to ways those off kilter immune functions can affect the rest of my body and it isn't good. not to mention the ER dr told me based on some of the other symptoms I  am having ( bone pain swollen lymph, extreme fatigue elevated WBC) I need to go get seen by a specialist anyway...Just waiting to get a referral from  primary to fax over or bring with me to a provider there in CA, since the wait list to be seen here in 3+ months...at least my mom and I can be DR appt buddies~! Trying to find the silver lining... 

Anyway, thats pretty much all thats going on here- it is getting down to crunch time- and final preparations are being made for the move- in 39 days, I will be posting from California! 

Friday, May 16, 2014

Prayers please...

My Mom just got the call...There are two spots on her mammogram, she needs further testing...She already survived breast cancer once 10 years ago, I know she can fight it again, but good grief, we needed a streak of good news not more bad...ugh...Moving could not happen soon enough. I need to be close to my mom...Any and all prayers are greatly appreciated!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

I survived

Mother's day that is.

I wrote in a previous post, about how the day was really going to be emotional for me in so many ways...Especially with the should be due date of our last loss falling on the same day...And, It was. I woke up early that morning, and sat alone on the couch drinking my coffee and thinking...Thinking about the last 4 years we have endured...The HOPE, excitement, and celebration at the start of each pregnancy, and the immense loss, devastation and grief  with each loss...Remembering in such depth, ALL of the events that took place, brought it back in technicolor/surround sound...It was as if I could taste the tears that fell from my cheeks, and feel the intense ache deep in my soul all over again...The more I thought, the more I realized, I was not ready to face this day outside of the 4 walls of my home, and especially not at church, on the one day when they exhort all the Mother's/babies...There was a little peace that came just from admitting I was "not ok" enough to do the church thing this year...


I sooooo wanted to get up that morning, get dolled up in my sunday's best, and snap some cute  Mom/Kids pics before heading into church, followed by sunday brunch and family game/movie night, seamlessly getting through the day, unscathed by the meaning behind it...I wanted to conquer the day victoriously. (perhaps signaling the start of true healing?) But how on earth could I go through a day like that, created to honor Mother's and their babies, and just pretend that all was well and "happy ever after"?  How could I forget each little life that was so very wanted, yet so swiftly taken from us...How can I forget that with every card, kiss and macaroni necklace I get from my children here in this life,  there's always someone missing that should have been here...How can I just NOT honor the lives those little babies had, however brief? I am just as much a mother to those angels, as I am to the babies I have here with me to hold in this life,  and because the LOVE I have for ALL my children stretches so DEEP, it is impossible to just "forget" ..Impossible to just "get over"...unfathomable for me to even consider not thinking of them on such a day, and every day really...They are forever apart of me...And yet, they untouchable at the very same time...It makes for a very difficult emotional battle on Days like Mother's day...

So, instead of the standard celebratory events, we spent the day at home...It was a beautiful, perfectly sunny, spring day...Everything in bloom....I tried my best to escape my melancholy mood, and live in the moment, instead of in the past and let  the "should be's" over take me...But it was HARD...I wont lie...In fact, I am still dealing with the emotional after effects even today. But, I survived...And One day, maybe one day, I will be able to conquer Mother's day with a smile on my face, at the thought of my angels dancing in heaven instead of a tear in my eye, wishing I could make memories with them even for just one moment....


Monday, May 12, 2014

A small glimpse ...


Of where we will be living....This is in the area of the San Bernardino national forest, also known as Crestline, Lake arrowhead, Running Springs- Big bear Lake area-
 Here are some random snap shots of the area-


















here is a vid from the city, up the mountain....:)

Saturday, May 10, 2014

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you



Friday, May 2, 2014

International Bereaved Mother's Day

May has always been a hard month for me...It comes right after the passing of my father ( April 28th 2004- also the day I found out I was pregnant with Hannah in 2008) and Holds a lot of dates that are triggers for me...One being....Mother's Day...

Ever since we lost Hannah, at 19 weeks in 2008, I have struggled with Mother's day. Now, nearly 6 years later, and I struggle even more...Especially since we have two "should have been" due dates on Mothers day, two years in a row.... I should have been due LAST Mother's day with a rainbow baby (our first  ectopic)...And THIS Mother's day marks our last "should be EDD" from our last "documented"(as in not a chemical, and in my medical records) pregnancy, our last, and 4th ectopic (the 8th documented loss in 3 years) that required the removal of my right tube....

Also to add insult to injury, AF also just happens to be due on mother's day this year for me too, and even though we are NOT TTC, getting AF every month just reminds me that we have everything we "need" to make a baby (sperm, eggs etc) but, my immune system is out of control, and kills my babies, and there is NOTHING I can do to stop it short of paying 30 grand...It makes my heart ache to know I can't protect and keep my own babies safe in my own body which was made to protect them...I feel like I fail at being a "mother"...


To say that Mother's Day leaves me raw with emotion would be a understatement...Which is why I am SOOOOOO thankful Carly marie and friends started up International Bereaved Mother's day....It was surprising to me at first, to find out the origins of the Mother's day we celebrate today, and then disgusting to see how mass marketing has turned it into more of a tacky retail holiday than anything...

What I love about International Bereaved Mother's Day, is that I have a day where I can FULLY honor (not half heartedly, as to not offend the  glitter poopers who think loss cannot be celebrated and honored with life too) my babies who thrive only in my heart and dance in the heavens...I get to Honor the fact that I am STILL their mother, even if no one else remembers them...At least they know I remember them every day, and that they can be celebrated  as my children...That brings me a little bit of comfort.

This Sunday, and even the sunday after that, I am going to TRY to focus all the energy I have into Honoring the life my little babies did have, (however brief) and hold them close in my heart. I am also going to Honor ALL of the mothers out there struggling this year, because I know I am not in the minority with this...Because 1 in 6 women will experience the loss of a child at least one in their lifetime...Hugz to all my loss mommas out there...



Monday, April 28, 2014

Re-blogging- Not everyone gets a rainbow...

This says it all...



http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/everyone-gets-rainbow/


Still struggling with letting go of our hopes and dreams for our family...It is a ever present struggle that seems to intensify as the times goes by, not get better...ugh...

Monday, April 21, 2014

Required reading...

   Part of my courses at Stillbirthday University, include the reading of two books (of your choice out of about 25), that you will need to do an essay on,  at the end of the classes. One of the two books I chose, came in the mail the other day, and because we have been so consumed in moving I set it aside on my side table for a week or more...

  Then, one quiet afternoon, I picked it up and began to read (  I know, a little early, classes don't start till July) with a good cup of tea...

It is called "The invisible pregnancy: Give birth to healing" Written by SBD's very own Hedi Faith. She is a dear soul who is committed to being a light in the darkness for women dealing with the unthinkable...I am blessed to be able to work with her through SBD.
 

I am going to be 100% honest...I am struggling like heck to read this book...The trending theme is that Grief is a pregnancy. Even the "dares" are set up as a 40 week challenge...I find the connection between the two seasons, in this book immensely hard for me, because we won't be able to experience a  tangible, healthy pregnancy again, and comparing the grief that comes with that, to another pregnancy of sorts has me in knots...Maybe it was the detailed description of her (Heidi's) actual labor (in the paragraph before this clip I posted-)  that had me yearning for the real thing, yet again...Instead of seeing the symbolism, and digging deeper emotionally, I just kept flashing back to what I had envisioned my last birth would be like...The kind with a REAL baby you get to hold after, and bring home...Each word I read off the page seemed to drip with tears, and burn with anger, and groan with sadness from deep within...It took a mere 45 minutes just to read a few pages, because I had to stop and fight back tears with each paragraph....



I mean, I get it, it makes sense. I know the "problem" is not with the book, but with "me"...In fact, I knew this long ago, which is why I have detested reading healing/self help books.  I know it grates on those tender places that I have kept hidden from even myself...But, I know I NEED to go through these feelings, and face this season of my life instead of hiding or trying to wish it away...Pretending this gaping wound does not exist won't make it go away...Which was why I decided I NEEDED to go through this course at SDBU...

But, knowing you need it, does NOT make it easier to chew through and deal with...I have tried sooo HARD to push past this anger, fear and pain that envelops me, so I can heal, but it just stings like someone is RIPPING off a scab from a DEEP wound...Each moment of self evaluation is like a ton of rocks being heaped on top of you...It is clear, this journey, this season, it is going to be much harder and more difficult to navigate than I have anticipated...But I fear, there is NO turning back now...I have traveled too far down this windy road, past the point of no return...

I plan to journal each chapter/week/dare here on this blog, mostly because I know it won't be lost in the move, but also, because I hope this messy, chaotic and insane journey can help someone else in the process...Because, I can't be the ONLY one who feels this way, and cant be the ONLY one in these shoes, even though it most certainly feels like I am the only one who has ever set foot on this rocky road of grief...

I hope, when I come to the end of this, no matter what it looks like, I have a bit more peace, understanding and JOY gleaming from inside of me...And maybe, just maybe, it can shine some light into the dark places in someone else's soul...Or the the very least, see the light at the end of the tunnel in my own....

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Patience is not my strong suit...

I have NEVER been a person who was good at or patient while waiting...I always huffed and puffed, and moaned about things..."WHY is it taking sooooooooo LONG" stuff...Looking back,  a lot  MOST of those things were pretty trivial, excluding the last 4 years...

This last season of life has presented more challenges and waiting than I would have liked...Its been nearly unbearable. Especially, the baby thing. To have waited so LONG (more than a year just to get surgery to TTC again- then 3+YEARS of actively trying) and have so many losses, and invested SO much money, all for nothing, it is a hard pill to swallow...It makes one not want to take risks again, quite frankly...The "what can go wrong, usually will" is a theme that seems to have followed me around these days, along with Murphy's law...

So when we decided to step out and relocate from NY to CA, we had an inkling that we might run into a few bumps in the road here and there...Never did we expect there to be sooooo MUCH waiting and rearranging! First we were told to get ready to "go" by feb, then march/april, Now possibly mid may...and we are stillllll waiting on the details of schedule , pay and relocation benefits...I mean, we are ready and can go whenever, with little effort to put in to make it all happen, but still...I am a planner and this irks me. All that being said, we are THIS close to getting all the answers we need, I can practically smell it and I am going insane waiting! I just want to know it all NOW and have a D day to count down to officially...I want to book flights and fill out POD up without having to worry we will be here 2 months more, shuffling through boxes to find (insert needed item that was packed)...We should have all the details no more than a week from now....Could be sooner...

soo.....we wait...and wait....


Oh please, oh please, let us get answers soon!! The planner in me need to PLAN!! ahhh!!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Everyone gets it...

You know, that NASTY little disease  that slowly infects the  mind and soul...Also know as, The green eyed monster ...Yup...I am talking about Jealousy...





Its something that every SINGLE one of us has felt at some point in time or another, be it in a relationship,  or even a lack there of ( think, "everyone else is getting married and I am not!") or something I see a LOT of...Facebook envy/jealousy...People sit around and scan through all these seemingly awesome pics and life experiences, and think "gee, I wish I could do that, or had a family like that, or a car like that and a JOB like that!".....


I think  jealousy plays a HUGE ROLE ( much bigger than anyone wants to realize) in the IF/Baby loss community especially,  and more often than not, is the driving force behind our actions both to others, and ourselves... I find that even the most self aware person is wrapped up in a crazy amount of jealousy in regards to this specific life event, myself included.....Especially  towards   those who seem generally "undeserving" of parenthood....Heck, we spend months rooting for each other when TTC, but even when it is your best friend, Who you prayed for day and night, when that pregnancy announcement goes public, you get a twinge...The jealousy twinge...Then start asking all those  questions that follow...."why her and not me?"  .... "why did the crack head get pregnant and take her baby home, but MINE DIES?"...."when is it MY turn, I just want ONE, why does she get 5?" ...or, in my case " why do I get any chances of another baby taken away, but a woman who MURDERS 8 of her newborn babies in cold blood  and hides them in a box, yea she gets to have another chance and her immune system works just dandy!"....See, I'm even jealous is peoples good working immune systems!! ( I realize how silly that sounds...lol)...

All of these are pretty normal feelings from time to time, (specifically after pregnancy/infant loss) but if left unchecked could pose some serious issues.  Generally , like cancer, the warning signs are subtle enough to be ignored, but the disease is powerful enough to destroy you before you even know it.....Proverbs has a "nice" way of putting it...




I just recently had a young woman from church,  tell me that she just could not come and hang out at the house with us as a family, because it is too hard on her. You see, she wants more than anything to have a husband and family,  but has yet to find a decent man to fulfill that desire...I totally understood, and even In the moment, was taken back to a time when I said something similar  in regards to hanging out with my VERY pregnant friend (different friend), and how that was too hard for ME...So while, I understood her place, I began to analyze it all a little more...

For ME, personally, I started the family thing early,  and with a LOT of bumps In the road due to my step daughter bio mom, and my daughter's bio dad ( my ex)  so I couldn't relate to those feelings of NEEDING to be married but having to watch everyone else move on and start families, (everyone I knew when I was newly  married was still partying like a rock star) but I know a few of you have and can remember a time probably similar in your life that goes along the lines with this...

 The more I thought about it, the more I realized her desire to be married is no different than my desire for another baby...We both have HOPES and DREAMS that are on "hold" and are unable to be fulfilled right now, and the ache that comes with having to wait while watching others get what you would give anything for HURTS...While the circumstances are different, the ache is the same...

Sure, she doesn't NEED to be married, life can be wonderful without a husband, but her DREAM is to have that...

Sure, I don't NEED to have another baby, heck  no one NEEDS to have a child period (pretty sure the world isn't in danger of being underpopulated) but it is a DREAM, woven deep in our hearts....dare I say, woven into our DNA even. (the woman's desire to reproduce is a physical thing)...

When it doesn't or cannot be fulfilled, (either in our time, or ever due to circumstances beyond your control)  it is hard to watch others gain it effortlessly, then turn and take it for granted...Then the green eye monster comes in, and isolates you, and creates In you, anger, and contempt towards others and especially God...

I have found myself allowing that to happen more and more over the last 3 years, but especially the last year or so. Since we stopped being able to really try, and got the diagnosis we have less than 1% chance of carrying to term, I find myself jealous ...If I am honest with myself, I am jealous a LOT...Pretty much anytime I see a pregnancy update, belly bump or announcement, it sets off inside of me, a chain reaction...It starts with pain (remembering the losses) then goes to sadness, then anger (why me stuff) then goes into envy/jealousy and then back to anger and sadness...Try as I might to fight it, it happens every.single.time. Even announcements and updates from buddies I rooted for and prayed for years for, sends me in a dark place, then I feel guilty  that I felt that way...

I have begun to pray and ask God how I can deal with this...Because I hate this part of me...I will never stop desiring the baby that we set out to bring home, but have not been able to. Or stop remembering the babies we have lost...But I have to find a way to get rid of the toxic hole in my heart that keeps dragging me down and asking "why her and not me!!?...I have to find a way to cope with the loss of our dreams, and not allow jealousy to infect my being...Because, babies and bellies are everywhere....Since the birth of a rainbow wont be coming (right now) to ease the ache and bring light and hope after the storm/s (many of them), I am doomed to spend the rest of my life miserable, in constant self torment and filled with jealousy  if I don't figure this out...













So how do you stop being jealous ? I am not really totally sure, I know all of the "right things" you are supposed to say or do but none of it matters when you are in the midst of starring that green eye monster in the face...I have tried to distract myself, keep busy etc. That doesn't work. I have counted every blessing and tried to stay thankful for what we have, but still, it never goes away...They say that...

I suppose that is true in a lot of ways....I never truly felt jealous of others moving on with their rainbows until I was confident that our chances of having our own rainbow were gone. It was the lack of confidence that we too would have a baby again, that bred inside of me the pain, envy and jealousy I feel with each trigger or event associated with this situation that comes.

So, how do I get past this, with no resolution, with no happy ending after ALL we have endured, and invested? I wish I knew for sure...But I am going to start by taking my thoughts captive, and not allowing myself to compare and start doing the "why her and not me's"...I will tell you, it isnt easy in light of the news coming out of utah this week....











Now on to reach some of the goals I set not long ago, and make some new ones to help keep me moving in a positive direction...