Wednesday, October 30, 2013

We made it!

After 12 hours of travel and several delays, traffic , almost dying a few times on the 10 and the 2010, due to total JERKS- I mean, I live in NY, and people there are nuts, but wow, I was appalled....So much so, I gave him a very "friendly" hand sign to let him know just how much I "appreciated" his lack of ability to follow simple traffic laws...We finally made it to the Hyw 330 to go up the mountain...Thankful Just in time, because 5 minutes after we showed up at my mom's they closed the road for like a couple hours...We totally got tailgated , even by a freaking police officer...ugh...and after all that out my son gets car sick...We finally made it safe and sound...Have been resting most of the day today, trying to get the jet lag out of our systems.....I am sooooooo happy to be here!! This is exactly what I needed right now...So healing to be with family...


Here are a few random snapshots....























Tuesday, October 29, 2013

On our way!

I am trying this from 36,000 feet in the sky, via southwest wifi! We are on our way to California! We were up at 4 am, to get the last minute things packed, choke a cup of coffee down, and then head to the airport 2 hours early to get all settled and through security checkpoint etc...We left Albany, NY at 8:15 am, and the flight is about 5 hours and 45mins long, after which we will land in Las Vegas, NV, for a 2 hour layover, then hop on a quick flight (55 mins long) to Ontario California!

Once we get our bags we will head over for our rent a car- then drive up to the place I grew up...The lovely mountains of San Bernardino California, in the town of running springs ( big bear, lake arrowhead area)...I CANNOT WAIT, to drive up highway 330, and peer down at the city below ...It is so majestic up there!

For now, not much new, just traveling easy... Will update once we get there and settled! =)

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Whats going on....

  Just thought I would give a little update on what has been going on with us the last few weeks, and in the next couple weeks to come....

  Finally all back to normal after the tube removal on 9/14/13. Last cycle was pretty textbook, and so has this month, so far anyway...

  I met with my primary DR last week, who had a few not so great things to say about our losses...You know, the ones..."Maybe this is your bodies way of saying it is time to stop having kids" , or " be happy with what you have and move on, if people that witnessed the holocaust can "move on" and live a normal life, you should be able to after pregnancy loss"...Then proceeded to tell me that DH needs to get snipped or I need my other tube removed so I stop having losses...I quickly and firmly let him know we would be doing NOTHING permanent....And, In case you were wondering, I did go OFF on him for the previous comments, and handed him his own ass as nice as I possibly could...Then, I promptly left, and started googling "primary care physicians" in my zip code...The search is on for yet ANOTHER doctor...Lovely.

  In other news. that Vaginal contraceptive foam that you can buy OTC ...Holy crotchamoly! It burns! DH is not a fan of regular spermicide, I am semi allergic to condoms, and I just end up getting pregnant on birth control...So, I dunno WTF we are going to do BC wise...DH really still wants to just NTNP, and see where it takes us for another year...The only other option is a IUD, and I am not sure I want to get one of those again...I had one in the past, and pretty sure I ended up pregnant, as I passed a (around about) sac around 7 weeks big....I never had periods on the mirena, so who knows...But since then, I swore id never get another one...AND, really, if I am one of the less than 1% that has their bowel nicked during a laparoscopic surgery to remove my tube after having 4 ectopics in a year and a half, id probably end up being one of the ones who gets a perforated uterus etc out of it all at the end of the day...Just seems to be the way the ball bounces in my direction..I know, I am just so "positive" today aren't I?

  Ok, Moving along....I went out the the hubbster the other day and we visited a cute little country shop which happened to have a lot of different kinds of my fave wooden sculptures made by willow tree...I was hoping they would have one for angel mommies, but I did not see one there (will be looking online later). However, I did see this one, and it made me think of the last couple years, and how I wont ever forget what I have endured, what broke me, and crushed me, yet at the same time, and learned from it all and grew and am still growing as a person because of it....


Ok, now for some good news!

  We are soon to be headed off on vacation (leaving tuesday the 29th) to see my family/hometown in cali for the next 12 days!!! I have not been out there to visit that area in almost 7 years...Although my mom has come out here, we have not gone as a family out there in sooooooooo LONG! We are just so super stoked to have this opportunity to spend some quality time with the ones I love and am close to...Not to mention, we will be hitting up Disneyland, which is always a fun time, and then heading down for some time at the beach too....The ocean is my "happy place"....It is where I can go,  no matter what, and feel at peace...I miss the pacific ocean so much living out here in upstate NY...I cannot wait to sit in the sand, and write a song, snap some pics, and just BREATHE for the first time in what seems like years...SO much has happened in our lives over the last couple years, that we have not had time to really enjoy the "now"...We were always planning this, and figuring out the next steps for that or stuck in the past trying to make sense of all the grief....So, for the next 2 weeks, I am going to do everything I can to live in the moment...So that is what is going on....I probably won't be posting too much while I am away...Maybe a few pics and a update now and again...

I am going to TRY and hold the memory of my angel babies in my heart, while I force myself to set my grief on a shelf for just a little bit, and try to pretend my life has not fallen apart around me for the last 3 years so I can enjoy some good times, and make some NEW good memories to close out this year with! 

Friday, October 25, 2013

Asking for prayers for some friends of mine....Please...

I am not doing the grief post today, because my heart is so very heavy for others at the moment, my own grief, even as ever present as it may be,(it always is, isn't it?) It pales in comparison to what some of my friends are walking through right now at this very moment.....

I Have a list about 20 people long who need a serious miracle right now, as in life or death situations...But I am going to focus on two right now, for this post. Though, I am praying for so many constantly through the day, I sometimes feel I ever stop praying, the needs are so great right now in my inner and outer circles....But, seriously, I am pleading with you with agree with me in whatever way you can spiritually for these two people tonight....

First off, my new blogger friend HOLLY who is having complications with her twin pregnancy (once a triplet pregnancy, one was lost earlier on) after a LONG and hard battle with infertility...My heart absolutely breaks hearing what she is going through right now...Please pray for a miracle for her babies...

My second request- My dear friend Heidi- Who I know from church-(Her parents are also my pastors- Dear people) She is a fellow loss mom, who struggled to conceive as well, with all her children... we both were TTC together for a time, and  finally she got that long awaited BFP, and had her rainbow baby in Feb of this year...A beautiful little girl!...However, it is with a heavy heart, I have to report....She was just diagnosed this week with stage 3 colon cancer and it has spread to 4 lymph nodes...She is like in her early 30"s! ....This shook me, as so many I have know so personally, in the last couple years have lost their battle with cancer some as young as 22 and some children as well...It really makes you realize life is just not guaranteed....Ever....

Anyway, They are doing chemo obviously, and hoping it kills it all...But, please keep her and her family in your prayers...I cannot even imagine what it is like to battle cancer with such little ones..Or in general, at all...Please pray for a miracle, that she recovers fully and will be cancer free sooner, rather than later...

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Day 23- Tattoo's/Jewelry

I have both a necklace in Honor of my angels, and a Tattoo...

The necklace I got last year, and does not have a charm to represent the last few angels...I did not have the heart to add to it anymore, and have not had the heart to wear it knowing not all of them are represented...I know, it seems silly, but for now, it hangs in my special box, where I can see it and hold it every now and again, when I am feeling particularly sad about things...I always look at the difference in each gemstone that hangs on there, and I think about how different each one of our angel babies were, and wonder what and who they would have been had they been waking on this earth with us instead of flying in the heavens...

I got this necklace hand made by a amazing lady on BBC (baby center)...It so blessed my heart...and still does....I really should just add the last few gems...


I Got this tattoo just a couple days before the 5 year angelversary of the loss of our Hannah (at 19 weeks in 2008)....It was very healing, especially on the coat tails of the last couple of years, and us coming to the decision this summer to be "done" with TTC and treatments etc...I love that I have a way to remember and honor my angels every single day, for the rest of my life....I also have a memorial for what we have endured and lived to tell the story about...It's a stamp of strength, and courage....Every Time  see it, I smile...

Romans 8:18 says- "For I consider my present suffering, NOT worth comparing to the GLORY that will be revealed to me and in me one day"



Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Day 22: Part 2: My own addition to the project.....

I have been thinking about this since the day of the balloon release...I wanted so bad to attach a note or write the name of our babies on each one, but the thought of having to name all of them was just too daunting on such an already emotional day...But since then, I have been thinking about sitting down and giving naming them a chance...

For the last few days, I have been going back and reading posts I made when I miscarried  in the last couple years/months...Looked at the "should have been" due dates... I tried to remember what I "felt" during that time...I almost always had a "feeling" on gender, and was right with all my living babies, so I decided to just go with that in regards to naming each one of our angels...Here is our list...

1. Jelly bean (2001) -MC
2. Pumpkin seed 2005 -CP
3. Millie (2007)- MC (guessing 7 weeks by size of sac)
4. Hannah marie (2008)- 19 week loss
5. Love bug (2011)-CP
6. Snowflake (2011)- CP
7. Daisy (2011)- MC 5 weeks
8. Lila (2011)-CP
9. Michael (2011)- MC 5w3d
10. Charlie (2011)- CP
11. Chase (2012)- CP
12. Anthony (2012)- MC 5w5d (saw sac etc in uterus)
13. Josie (2012)- CP
14. Jackson (2012)- EP
15. Maryann (2012) -CP
16. Liberty (2012)- EP
17. Jonah (2012)- CP
18. Brandon (2012)-CP
19. Allisondra (2013)- CP
20. Greyson (2013)- CP
21. James (2013)- EP
22. Riley (2013) - EP/Tubal removal

I found this to be very healing....My initial thoughts on this before I really decided to do it were not very optimistic ...I didn't think it would really benefit anything, or anyone, and certainly not me....But I humbly admit, I was wrong, and wish I had done this sooner...I almost did not name the CP's (chemical pregnancies), because so many think they "don't count", but to me, they do....LIFE starts at conception, and they were OUR precious babies...So I named them as well....Even if you take away all the CP's we still have had 10 losses, which is just not fair, or normal...Then add in the CP's and I feel like some freak show, having had soooo manyyyyyy losses...Anyway, Putting names to the love I have for each one of those little souls was good for me...  I don't care if it helps anyone else, or if it seems silly....I benefited from it greatly. That is all that matters.....I realllllyyyyyyyy hope I don't ever have to add to this list again....Ever....

Day 22

Just a few quotes I really find touch my heart....

















Monday, October 21, 2013

Day 21- Honor-

well, I'd like to think that the fact that I/we have been blessed with as many sweet angels to begin with, even if we never got to bring them home or hold them in our arms and sing sweet lullaby's, is quite an honor in it self...

All the things I have (physically, emotionally, spiritually) gone through over the last 3 years, and despite it all, I am still alive, and still standing... That is a honor...To be able to say "I survived" is a honor...To help another grieving mommy, knowing you know full well "what it is like" is a honor...To be the one that helps wipe away the tears and supports another, without a word said, cause NO words can soothe the soul of a mother who has lost her baby... To carry on the legacy of our angels, as we band together, worlds apart, but bound by the bond of the loss of our babies...That is a honor...To be a mommy to angels is a honor....Not one I take lightly....

Day 20- Hope-

My hope is that ONE day, infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss will not be so "taboo" to speak about...And that ONE day, women can get tested and treated for the disease that infertility is, like they DESERVE, and go on to have the family they desire and have every right to have....I hope that women who have to "join this club" in the future, will not have to struggle to get help from DR's and family...I Hope that the hell we are raising now, and the awareness that is being brought to light in the last 2 to 4 years, will pay off, and those that come after us, will not have such a difficult time justifying the need to grieve on their own time, or the need for testing and treatment, and would not have to bare the cost so heavily on their own...I have SO many, many hopes...But the ONE big one...I hope someone, ANYONE will learn or glean something from our journey....That OUR pain, and grief, and hardships, would in some way, make it easier for someone else to get the help and diagnosis and treatment and finally the family they so deserve....

Day 19- Support

As I look back on the last 3 years,I can tell you, my NUMBER 1 biggest encourager and support was:  My husband...HE has been my ROCK and my fortress when I felt like everything around  me was crumbling....

Second: The amazing ladies in my online 'circles' ( you know who you are!) who have been there through me, thick and thin...Watched me POAS a million times, go through beta hell over and over, and watched us have loss after loss, All the while, just "being there" for me...For that, I am so very thankful....

Third: THIS blog, and you amazing people who have followed me, encouraged me, cried with me, laughed with me, and  grieved with me...Some days I felt like I would not be able to carry on with life, and i would log on, to a timely, and very encouraging comment, and it would turn my whole day around...Thank you, EACH and every one of you....

There are so many more, especially in the last year, who have stepped up in my "real life" ( Thank you Ladean!) and have come beside me to help me/us walk through the next steps of our journey, no matter which way it leads us....

Day 18- Release-

I really want to release the bitterness I feel to those who have never had to endure such loss and pain and grief...I want to release the bitterness I feel when I see yet anther crack head give birth, then dumper the baby in the trash for dead....I NEED to release it...It eats me up inside...HOW can THOSE people be blessed with a baby, over and over and over, when they could give a crap about them....

I am genuinely happy for all my friends and family who have been blessed with the amazingness that is called parenthood...But it is those who take to for granted, those who dont see the blessing that have, that make me feel bitter inside...I know life is not fair, but for GOD sakes, why, oh WHY do some of the scum of the earth get to continually have more kids, yet we cant have just ONE more....Or how about the people whyo do not have ANY kids at all, who get to watch theese asshats reproduce over and over...I dont kow how anyone walking this journey could not get a LITTLE bitter about it all....BUT, I am choosing to let it go...


I cannot change my situation....I will probably never, ever enjoy the miracle of carrying and giving birth to my own baby again....I need to accept that others will get that blessing, and take it for granted, and I just have to put on my big girl panties and deal....

Friday, October 18, 2013

Time...

Day 17: Time-


This month marks 12 years since my very first loss...

This spring was 8 years since my second loss...

This summer made 5 Years since my third loss, which was at  19 weeks gestation....

It has been 34 months since we started this journey to TTC again.....

31 months since our "first loss" this time TTC....

17 losses consecutively after that...So many "should be" due dates, so many loss dates....

It has been 7 months and 1 week, since we were "officially" diagnosed with our immune issues...

5 months 1 week since our "last cycle TTC" with our immune meds...

4 months, 3 weeks and 1 day since my last ever  methotrexate injection for our 3rd ectopic...


1 Month and 3 days since our last loss, our 4th ectopic, that look my right tube...

Two days since our memorial/balloon release/candle lighting...






How much time will it take for me to "get over" losing so many of my precious amazing babies?....Forever....and ever....and ever....

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Day 15: Wave of Light...






Day 15- Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day- Balloon Release...

Here are a few snaps of our balloon release....Candle lighting pics soon to follow...








Getting ready...

Today as we Honor All babies gone too soon, I am especially remembering OUR angels....

Because we have had SO many losses, I find that trying to keep up with "should have been" EDD's or loss dates, since I have one for every month, sometimes, two in a months from years past etc...So, I choose to Honor them ALL on ONE day.

I have my candles ready to light...One for each baby...

And, I have all the balloons ready to be filled, and our letters written and sealed in a small plastic baggy to keep safe (also left links to Blog in case someone finds a set of the balloons) all the special messages that we want the "Angels" to carry up to our angel babies...The kids are the ones most excited for the balloon release...They have each written a letter and drawn a picture to one of the babies we have lost, and have been asking all day "how much longer until we can let them all go!?"...

I plan to release balloons around 6:30, and candle lighting, promptly at 7 pm to stay in unity with the wave of light, that takes place worldwide today to honor all the little ones who flew away, far too soon....

I plan to TRY and get some decent pics...I asked a friend to take some professional pics, but some family issues came up, and understandably, she is unable to help out, But between mine and DH's iPhones we should be able to capture some of it...

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Day 14: Family-

Family-

I don't talk a LOT about my family on here, due to so many readers being at a venerable place, with either infertility or pregnancy loss, so I try not to "brag" about my kids are "rag" on my husband (who, by the way is perfect...lol)...I try to stay "on topic"  so to speak....But, This post gives me a chance to talk about my family....How we "came to be" and all that it took to get here, today.

My Husband and I met the summer of 2003- But did not really become friends until the spring of 04 When I became roommates with his sister'. We knew of each other, because we both had similar "backgrounds" (We had, I guess you could call a set of years where we were on the wild side a bit more than most) but were both ( separately) trying to get our acts together and "do the right thing", and focus on getting our lives stable, ( I was recovering from a very abusive relationship, with a man who also happens to be my first daughter's sperm donor-) and I was involved on my Father's local church, and it just so happened,  He  went to the same church, and we each had children  (from previous, dysfunctional, relationships) around the same age, (at that time, the girls were not even 2.) We remained platonic friends for a while before we dated, and eventually got married in July of 2005.

 
 
We brought together with us, little miss Lindsay, Hubby's daughter from a previous relationship- (now age 11)- She is one of the most sweetest young ladies and always willing to help without even being asked....She is compassionate and not a selfish bone in her body....Considering what her biological mother put her through on the weekends we didn't have her, (before we got full custody) I am surprised she is a functioning person at all, and not a PTSD stricken zombie....She still struggles academically and emotionally now and again due to the extent of what she experienced,...To say she "saw difficult things" would be the understatement of the year....But Thankfully, God has helped protect, restore and heal her heart, and finally brought her to us for "good" granting us full custody back in 2007 ...She is such a blessing to our family....
 
And also, little miss Hayden, also, now age 11- Her bio sperm donor Is not in the picture, by choice...His loss..... She is one of the smartest, most wise and stubborn girls I have ever met...She is talented in so many ways...Creative artistically, musically, and is always challenging my thinking, and coming up with off the wall ideas that make me remember what It was like to be a kid again....She brings to life, just abbot any situation...And, is always up for a "good debate"...=) Not sure where she get's that from....;)

 
 
 
Our start as a family was very difficult at first...I was just 21 and my husband 23....We both had many issues with our "EX's", and custody battles.... all sorts of drama....But we hung in there....Right in the midst of some of that crazy custody stuff, we found out we were expecting "our" first, together...Only to lose it before I even got to the Doctor....We TTC again right away, and were blessed to find out were expecting again, this time it stuck! We were THRILLED!....After  9 months, more custody drama, that almost put me in preterm labor,  and a trisomy 21 scare, we gave birth to a beautiful, HEALTHY, baby boy, named Isaiah. (now age 7) who is almost the spitting image of his Father, and a "mommy's boy" for sure.....
 
 
 
 We began to TTC for another one of "ours together"...We tried for more than 9 months or so, almost close to a year, before finally falling pregnant, which was rather different for us, considering it happened so fast previously. So naturally, this time, we were MORE than THRILLED....Things seemed to be going great till our 20 week scan, where we learned our baby girl, Hannah Marie, had passed, just days before....Autopsy and testing revealed "no cause" for the demise of our precious baby...That rocked our world,  shook our faith, and broke our hearts in ways we never knew were possible....
 
Once we got the "all clear" we began to TTC once more....This time, things had changed though....I had changed....
 
Once again, like years before, things happened very fast, and before long we were expecting again....This time though, I was scared to death....EVERY. SINGLE.DAY, I woke up in fear my baby was DEAD inside of me...I was terrified, and stressed out....Then around 24 weeks, our baby girl began to have heart issues in utero. Luckily, they went away on their own, but I spent the entire 36 weeks I knew about my pregnancy, totally terrified...But, despite it all, she came out, healthy and just as perfect as can be in July, 2009....little did we know then, just HOW MUCH of a miracle it was that she has survived my hostile body/immune system....Our miracle "baby", is now 4 years old...She is the light of family....She shines where ever she goes, with her outgoing personality, totally outrageous, "too wise for her age" statements that come out of NO where, and cause us ALL to start laughing hysterically....Her sweet spirit lifts mine up when I am down, without a word even said....Her presence simply makes my heart swell with joy...I look at her and see HOPE...I see a MIRACLE...
 
 
 
I am so thankful for EACH one of these precious little children....They all bring Joy, life, and so much fulfillment to our lives....To watch them turn into amazing, young little people,  just fills my heart to overflowing....I KNOW HOW VERY BLESSED WE ARE...I WONT EVER FORGET IT....
 
 
In May of this year, we decided we were adding to our family ONE way OR another! we were in the midst of our last "medicated TTC cycle" with Braverman, when I found an online add for puppies...We began to look around and finally, found our little baby, "Molly", who came to be with us just before I found out that cycle resulted in a ectopic, instead of a uterine pregnancy, like we had hoped and prayed for, and PAID tons of money to try and sustain....I was a mess to say the least...THEN...This little face found me....She has  healed my soul in ways NOTHING else could have...There is something about the love of a dog....Anyway...She is Now the "baby" in the family...lol...
 

 
 
 
Together, as a family, even as blended as we may be, we have all endured some pretty hard times, and some really awesome ones....Friends have come and gone.... The old have passed, new life has begun...As life has ebbed and flowed over the last 8+ years together, so very much..... As we watch the seasons change, the kids grow older, and our hair start to grey, as we move onto a new chapter and life changes, yet again...I am thankful for "us"....No matter what life brings, all that matters is that we have got each other...
 
 

Days 10,11,12 and 13....

Day 10: Beliefs-

I am going to politely make this one shot and sweet...I believe life starts at conception, and that all of our angel babies are in the arms of our heavenly Father, dancing with Jesus in fields of gold, living in TOTAL peace and glory, until we meet again one day....I cannot wait for that day when we will finally be  reunited...

Day 11: Emotional Triggers-

Oh boy, this could be a whole chapter in a book all on it's own....There are SO, SO many triggers for women dealing with the loss of a child, it can sometimes be unbearable, making you wish you lived under a rock....MINE, are pregnant women, babies that are the same age as our angels would have been , certain songs, and scents...But usually my triggers are actually my own blessings, my own children, that trigger the pain attack...NOT intentionally of course, but in their innocence, I see just how jaded I really am....Just this morning, my son, age 7, said to me..."Mom, I really wish one of those babies would have lived, so I could have a brother"...To which my 4 year old replied " yea, I want a baby sister too, why cant you have babies again mommy?"....There I am, in the midst of getting breakfast prepared for everyone before heading off to church, and I am turned to the sink, face hidden by sheets of frazzled, un brushed hair, while tears stream down my face, as I fake the "happy " voice, gently explaining again to them, that I jut don't have any control over the situation, and that I would love that for each of them as well, but right now, lets be thankful for who we have in our lives now, and the people we DO have in our family, and work on making those relationships better, and maybe one day God will bless us again, but even if he doesn't we must stay thankful....My heart meant all of that....every single ounce....But my head and mind was screaming..."WHYYYYYYYYYY, why, why why why!!!!!! WHY me, WHY us? WHY not do a miracle again!!?? WHY?".....I am still,  just so broken about the situation we are now in...I ran off bed, to do a little more crying before I put on my brave face and my makeup face, and that was that...I never know when a trigger" is going to come...I have tried to find coping methods for when they do come, but they seldom work....I guess it is just apart of the process...

Day 12: Article-

I actually was not sure what I was going to use for this, when I gazed at the subjects back a few weeks ago. Then, a few days back, this post began to circulate among the loss community, and It resonated with me so greatly, I shared it on my regular Facebook news feed...Simply put, I loved it. Link to article below...

Confronting the lie: God wont give you more than you can handle By Author of the blog From One Degree to Another

Day 13:  Book-

I have not read too many books on grief, I tend to really hate "self help" reading materials...BUT, I will be writing a book of my own....Not from a therapist point of view, or medical stand point, but from a personal aspect, that you cannot speak to unless you have "been there". I plan to begin the book at the start of next year, and hope to have it out for release by next holiday season.


 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Day 9- Music

There are so many, many songs that remind me of our angels... From songs that were popular and playing on the radio during the time of a loss, or songs specifically about loss that I have found on you tube, and even songs I have written myself to my babies....

I have a hard time trying to choose which ones to share , because each one is special, and has it's own story...But For this one I will choose the song, "In my daughter's eyes" by Martina McBride...It was always a fave of mine, and I would sing it when I was carrying Hannah...When she passed, it became very hard for me to listen/sing to...One day, I broke down and MADE myself sing it....It was 2 months since she has grown her wings and left us....I did it....I barely got through the song , but once I did and hit the "stop record" button, I cried a good healing cry, that I needed...Just two weeks later, we would conceive our Rainbow miracle, and last living child, a daughter, who's eyes sparkle like diamonds, are as blue as the sun and remind me of the amazingness of God, and makes me want to me a better person....

The vid is cheesy, since it was just a online karaoke site I use to practice on for my vocals, and sometimes it is therapeutic to scream out as loud as you can to "Heartbreaker" by Pat Bentar, or cry singing Nat King Cole's "Smile"...The video freezes half way through, gotta love flash player from back in 2008....We have come a long way technically speaking....anyway...This is a very intimate and hard time for me when I sang this, it's not my best, but it reminds me of Hannah, and the amazing blessing ( Kaitlyn, our last rainbow) that came after she passed when we least expected it....


 

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Day 8 - Colours

Well, I don't have any real special  or  specific "colors" that I associate with my angel babies, other than the generic  pink/blue awareness ribbon, which is a given...

BUT, I do have a touching picture my 11 year old daughter "colored" for me in honor of my angels (the ones she knows about, has seen me go through etc)...I was a little taken back by this picture, as she handed it to me  just as I was exiting my room from a decent "cry fest" after learning I was having yet another ectopic ( this last one that took me tube)  and would probably need surgery...As I gazed at it, at first it made me so sad, seeing the many angels represented - specifically Hannah our 19 week loss, which my daughter remembers very well, as they ( the kids) were there the day we found out we lost her)....I hate that they have had to walk along side me/us  on this long hard road. NO  matter how hard I have tried to protect them from the harsh realities of loss, and keep them out of the loop, they all sense it when we lose another....Nothing is said, just exchanged looks of grief, and unspoken "I am sorry's"...Makes my heart ache that they too have had to experience this part of life, even if it is just by observation.........

Anyway, the more I looked at the picture,  I began to smile when I realized, this was my daughter's way of remembering and honoring  her angel brothers and sisters....This was her way of coping and grieving with the chaos we have all gone through with my losses and complications from the losses and the toll that has taken on all of us, emotionally and logistically.....But, most of all, This was her way of trying to reach out and break the silence...

 
Out of this, came some very beautiful conversations with my 11 year old daughter, about life and loss...She is much more mature than I give her credit for... I was very surprised by her scripture choice too at the bottom of the picture (this was done all on her own). I asked her to explain it…
She has been reading Job earlier in the day, and when she read that verse, she thought of me …She said she feels like the losses are all because the enemy is testing and sifting me,  to see if I will "break" and forsake God  like the enemy tried to get Job to do....She said, "you have suffered so much for so long, the enemy wants you to give up, to turn your Back on God, But DON'T,  keep pressing in, and trust HIM, he WILL deliver you out of this and heal your heart"....Pretty profound for an 11 year old....
 
I wanted to share this with everyone, because this month is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, and I am speaking out about our losses to break the silence in the community, and be a support to anyone who also may be suffering with the grief of pregnancy loss…I also decided to share it,  because sometimes, even something as simple as a picture drawn by a child, can bring revelation, healing and peace, when you least expect it….Every now and again, the Holy Spirit has a funny way of getting messages to you…This time, he did it through my daughter…And in that, it  brought us closer together, gave her a better understanding about things, and brought me closer to healing from this long hard road I have walked….
 

Monday, October 7, 2013

Days 1-7

Sunrise-

 I love sunrises and sunsets...They always cause me to look to the heavens, and I always imagine my angels up there helping God "paint the sky"....It sounds silly, but it makes me smile, which I could always stand to do more of...I didn't have one from the morning of Oct 1st, as it was cloudy here, but I have another from the year before, just after one of our early losses....Saratoga springs, NY. Picture taken by me.

 
 
Identity-


Because we have had a mix of early and late losses, I will focus more on our late loss for this one...Our  baby girl we lost at 19 weeks along in 2008, was named Hannah...We had her name picked out before we even knew the gender....It was the ONLY one we could agree on...Hannah is Hebrew in origin and means Grace/favor...Because of the nature of our loss, I did not get to really "see" her, but I have a few ultrasound pics and of course, her foot prints...which I cherish so very much.
 I wish I had the heart to name all our early losses, but there are so many....I just call them my butterfly angel babies....

Grief Myths-

I think there are many myths about dealing with grief...I picked the one I tend to see/hear/experience most often...This is the one I try to convince myself is true, so I can skip the process and just pretend everything is "okay"...Not to mention, society has also inadvertently, put this idea in our heads in so many ways, and in so many areas of grief, but SPECIFICALLY pregnancy loss.
 
 
 
Legacy-
 
I feel like each one of my angels have brought a legacy with them...Because of THEM, I am who I am today...
 
 
Memory-
 
I have a LOT of memories related to loss and grief, I could write a novel....But the one that always comes back to me, the one that haunts me in my dreams and is forever etched into my soul and mind, was the night we found out Hannah passed, we went home to decided how to proceed with L&D etc....Laying in bed that night, knowing that would be the last time I would "hold" my baby...Knowing she was LIFELESS inside of me...Feeling the weight of my grief, and the weight of my belly, which would soon be gone, taken away, along with our precious daughter....The pain I felt that night almost crushed me...

Rituals-

I  don't have many specific things I do in regards to losses each day...Some days, I will light a candle...Some days, I will sing my favorite song to them, others, I write them letters, and some days,  I am so busy, that in a passing moment, when I remember all of our angel babies, I try to make myself smile...I have too many should be due dates and loss dates to try and honor each one...So We celebrate with candle lighting on Oct 15th, and we will be doing a balloon release this year as well....I planned to do the "walk to remember" in my area but DH's work schedule changed last minute, and we wont be able to attend, but I will be there in spirit!

You now-

Oh boy....This is a loaded question...How am I now in my journey with grief?....

I am def in a low point right now....I struggle every day...I don't have an hour that goes by, that I don't think about what we have endured in the last 2 years with so many consecutive losses, a devastating diagnosis, and finally, the loss of my right tube after having our 4th ectopic in a year and a half's time....Ya...I am very low at the moment...Feeling hopeless, yet still wanting to believe for a miracle...Feeling so crushed in my soul, yet on the outside, I seem "fine" to everyone else....Its like I am carrying a ten ton weight on my back that NO one can even see....

They see this...


But, I feel like this inside....
 

Project heal: Capture your grief- October 2013

I am going to attempt to kind of catch up and keep up with this awesome project that Carly Marie put together ...

It is a 31 day blog/picture challenge, where women from all over band together and remember their babies, talk about grief, and raise awareness, and finally, heal, just a little...

Sunrise: Just like last year, I thought it would be very meaningful for us all to capture the beginning of this journey and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world. I know depending on where you are and what climate you are in that there may not be a sunrise, but if you can still get to a window, snap a photo of the morning. When you share your photo online make sure you write what State/Country you are in and the time of the sunrise. It will be a wonderful way for us all to feel connected.

2. Identity: What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?

3. Myths: Do you believe there are any myths about grief? You could write the myth on a piece of paper and photograph it.

4. Legacy: Do you believe your child left a legacy behind? It could be something very simple but meaningful.

5. Memory: What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?

6. Ritual: Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?

7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

8. Colour: What colour/s do you represent your baby? Why that colour/s?

9. Music: This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?

10. Beliefs: Do you have a certain belief about what happens to us after we die? You might believe that we go to a heaven or you might believe that our bodies eventually turn to dust and that is the end of our story. Before you take part in Day 10 please note this, I welcome everyone to join this Capture Your Grief Challenge including people of all belief systems and also those who have no beliefs at all. What I ask of you, is that you respect everyone else here. Please feel free to share your beliefs whether they are religious, spiritual or not. If you choose to share your beliefs today, please make sure that you respect everyone else’s beliefs even if you do not agree or understand them. Do not tell anyone else that they are wrong if they do not share your own beliefs and please do not push your views onto anyone else. I am very proud to say that everyone who comes to my page are 99% of the time respectful to each other and very kind (I sometimes wonder if I am being protected by a greater force as it is so rare to have so very few problems on a social media page with 1000′s of people!). I would really love everyone to honour this request for love and respect today. We can all complete this day peacefully together. I believe this day can be a very interesting and beautiful one. Let us honour our similarities and our differences too.

11. Emotional Triggers: What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?

12. Article: Have you read an article about grief that you would love to share with everyone? Maybe it is something from Still Standing Magazine or a blog post from your favourite blogger or writer. Please feel welcome to share who wrote the article and how the article resonated with you and also the direct link to the article if it is online.

13. Book: Have you read a book about grief that helped you immensely in your journey of grief? Please feel welcome to share the book and links to where it can be purchased so others can find it.

14. Family: What does you family look like now? Is it just yourself carrying your child’s heart in yours? Do you have other children? A partner? A pet? You may not have what society perceives as a family but we all know that just because you cannot see any children, that does not mean that they are not a part of your family.

15. Wave Of Light: Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light! Please remember to share your location for this day as well. Wishing you all a ton of love for this sacred day of remembrance.

16. Seasons: Share what certain seasons or holidays mean to you now. What season did your baby die in? What season were they conceived/born in? Etc. Do you dread those seasons now? Are they more meaningful to you because of your baby?

17. Time: How long has it been since your baby died.

18. Release: What do you want to let go of on this journey of grief? Is it fear? Guilt? Worry? Deep sadness? Regrets?

19. Support: Share about what has been the best support for you since the loss of your baby. Maybe it is a special friend or family member? A pet? An organization? What have they done for you? Where would you be without them?

20. Hope: Do you have hope for the future? What do you hope for those who will join this club in the future.

21. Honour: Is there anything that you have done to honour your baby since they died? Did you give back to the community? Make a conscious decision to live as beautifully as possible? Take on the role of helping others in your situation? Maybe you work as an advocate for breaking the silence for our community.

22. Words: Share your favourite quote, poem, song lyrics, scripture that you have found.

23. Tattoos/Jewellery: Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby? Or maybe a tattoo. Please feel welcome to share links too.

24. Artwork: Have you created a piece of artwork in the wake of your baby’s death? Or maybe someone has given you some artwork to honour your baby? Please feel welcome to share links to your own website or to other artists.

25. #SayItOutLoud: Say It Out Loud is The STILL Project’s famous hashtag. STILL is a feature-length documentary film project aimed at breaking the cycle of silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. If you could say anything out loud about your journey with grief with the death or your baby, what would it be? What do you want the world to know? Is there a cause that touches your heart that you want to raise awareness for?

26. Community: What does this community mean to you?

27. Signs: If you believe in life after death do you believe your child has ways of contacting you? Have you had any signs?

28. Special Place: This could be your baby’s place of rest. If they do not have a grave, maybe you have a special place that you associate with your baby. A place you go to, to remember them. Where is it? Why did you choose that particular place?

29. Healing: What has had the most healing impact on your life through this journey of grief?

30. Growth: Do you believe you have grown or are growing as a person since the loss of your precious baby? How? How do you see other people now? How do you see the world? Do you believe you have a higher purpose? Do you believe your baby had a higher purpose?

31. Sunset: To close this project and this month of Baby Loss Awareness I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world. If there is no sunset where you are, you can still take a photo of the early evening sky. You just need to be able to get to a window. Remember to caption what State/Country you are from and the time.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Changes

I have noticed a few changes since surgery...Not sure if it has anything to do with anything, but I thought it was interesting..

One thing I noticed is ovulation it self, was not painful (4dpo today, post surgery)...which it previously was very painful,  for 2+ years...The other thing I noticed was that I am not cramping at all post ovulation...Normally I would start with cramps as early as 2 dpo all the way till AF starts...THIS cycle, nadda...It is a little strange...But I will take it!!

Other than that...Not much going on...Just redoing some of the house decorating...paint touch up's and new curtains etc...maybe I'll post pics later. =)