Thursday, January 29, 2015

So Pretty...

Of course, I have been doing this long enough (57 cycles now) to know that a pretty chart means nothing when it comes to pregnancy/baby, and especially in OUR case, it means literally nothing...BUT, still...Look at that!



I started tracking my cycles again with temps this month...Its been a while since I actually used my BBT therm.... I wanted to see where I was at cycle wise with managing my PCOS and IR issues and make sure I am documenting my luteal phase and ovulation days to see if we get any progress with balancing those out now that I am taking the metformin again....I kind of miss charting now that I am back at it again...It helps me feel a bit more in the "know" and feel in control... And to be honest, I KINDA started back at it again too, because we have stopped "preventing" again, and are just "seeing what happens"...Its probably a stupid move on my part, but at this point, why not? I have not been had any traumatic losses (that lasted more than 3 days worth of positive tests before bleeding started, and I wouldn't have even known had i not tested) in the last year and a half, since our 4th ectopic that took my tube, and I don't really have anything to lose by just letting nature take its course with both my cycles, and whatever pregnancy may or may not try to "implant"... But every now and again, when I see a pretty chart like this, I day dream about how great it would be to be given an amazing miracle of a sticky bean, with NO immune meds...BUT seriously, its wayyyyy more likely there will be peace in the east, than for us to get a take home baby trying "on our own"...LOL...

Other than this pretty chart, I don't have much to write about, other than a few of the new alternative medicine and therapies I have been using in the last month to manage some of my existing conditions and symptoms related to those...BUT, I will be making a separate post about that to fill you all in on what I am doing, how it is working etc...I am pretty excited to share with everyone, but I wanted to have a FULL month under my belt of supplements and treatments before I started singing too many praises and putting my cart before the horse...

I hope the rest of this week brings blessings and good news to those who are still in their journey to a take home baby, and much rest to all the new mommies out there! 

Love and hugs
Meg

Monday, January 5, 2015

January 4th

Merry Christmas and happy new year to everyone!! I hope this years holiday season was filled with more joy than tears for all of you! 

Just wanted to write a quick post and spill out some of my feelings somewhere...I am aware most of the readers I had before probably aren't even keeping up anymore...so this is really just a therapeutic place for me to vent at this point...anyway...

January 4 is always a hard day for me...it would've been my father's 61st birthday, and should have been Hannah's seventh birthday...but neither of them are here on this earth to celebrate ... Both were taken far too soon... 

To top it off, I started AF that day, which only reminded me that my body is broken...that I will never bring forth life again from my womb...it doesn't help that there are new babies all around the church too...I am not so bitter anymore that I can't be happy for them, I truly am... I just hate the odds at which we have been faced with. And I'm not sure the pain associated with that will ever go away. 

I did however conquer a little bit of a fear I had, despite the day starting off emotional and difficult...for the first time in almost 2 years, I sang with the worship team at church. I'm not going to go into details about why this was such a big deal for me, other than lightly touching on the fact that our previous church had laid on us a bunch of hurtful things, that was detrimental to us ever serving in the body of Christ again, so the fact that we are even attending another church to begin with, let alone starting to serve in ministry is a huge deal! After church was over I felt really good...I felt accomplished, because I never thought I would be up there again...

But by the time I got home my heart was aching again... No matter how many good things I tried to meditate on, and no matter how many wonderful things happen, my heart just hurts...

It has become clear to me through the years that no matter how much time passes my heart will never fully heal...No matter how much I try to make myself 
Move on, it never works... 

There will always be a part of me that cries for  what "should" have been... For my Dad...For Hannah... For ALL our babies ... 

January 4 should've been a great day of celebration... But instead, it's just another day that Reminds me you're not here...