Thursday, February 27, 2014

Changes...

I must be getting antsy from the ever so close '30th Birthday'.///It could have to do with being stuck in limbo too, in almost every aspect of life..lol...None the less, I have this sudden urge to lose massive amounts of weight and get my sexy back...(About to do a 21 day beach body challenge program!)....Hopefully in a month, I will be down a few more pounds and fitting into some of my old pants that have been stuck away for years!

AND...

I went Color crazy with my hair...

ANNNNDD....




I re did my nose piercing! 

I had it done about 11/`12 years ago, but took it out for a work shift and it never went back in...I was soooooo sad...So, I got it done again! 



Hubby thinks I am inching myself into a early 'mid life crisis', because the "baby" plan didn't work out...I laughed...He COULD be partly right, but, I have always been a bit edgy and crazy, lol... I just have put every aspect of my life on hold for the last 4 years, trying to will something to happen that was never in my control, I lost some of my edge...I  have lost so many pieces of me...::sigh:: I know doing all of this wont bring back those broken parts, and missing pieces....BUT, It feels pretty good to do all of these things with not a second thought about if it will "affect my cycle or TTC or pregnancy"...

Anyway, not much else to report...

Oh wait...The meds I started the other day, already have made a small difference in the way I feel throughout the day! I have to admit, I cringed when the DR said "beta blocker". but honestly, I feel a difference! So that is a plus, and it helps get me motivated to want to start working out a bit (gotta work my endurance up)../Other than that, just waiting on the House selling /Job thing to sort itself out. 

Hopefully we are out of here by the end of May...



Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Follow-up Appt with Cardio/Electrophysiologist

I had my follow up appointment today to go over all the testing I had with the Cardio/EP dr I went and saw last month. It was of course, a LONG morning, between driving down in commuter traffic, to waiting an unusual amount of time for the DR to come in...But alas...He arrived, with answers.

First off. The echo was normal.  No abnormalities, or muscle weakness etc, so YAY about that!

The event/loop monitor showed no arrhythmias! I got to send back that POS monitor! I was soooooooo happy!!...Can I just tell you, having that thing for 25+ days was horrible!

The tilt table test, although it did not show the "gold standard", it did show some interesting results in regards to the hypersensitivity from the iso. Basically, the results from that and my history, showed I had some issues with my autonomic system. I was given the diagnosis of neurocardiogenic syncope, also known as  Neurally mediated syncope.  Which is a dysfunction of the autonomic system. It is similar to POTS, which he thought might be the final diagnosis, initially. Either way, they are groups into a syndrome called, dysautonomia. Which is now clear, based on tests etc, I some some form of.

Treatment:

Increase salt (non iodized) and fluid intake to reduce triggers. And, I started on a beta blocker called, Toprol XL. Starting at 25 mgs 1 X a day...I will call in every few weeks to reevaluate and they will adjust dosage accordingly.

So, all in all. It went great. I learned I am NOT crazy, lol...And, hopefully, I can start feeling a bit better, with the addition of this medication and new changes. 

Thursday, February 20, 2014

It's that time of year....

No matter HOW HARD I try not to "go there" or stay distracted...This time of year rolls around and I enter into this funky, melancholy mood, that nothing and NO one can get me out of...Don't get me wrong, it is not a debilitating depression that keeps me bound to a dark room incapable of living life...No, it is just a deep, sad ache in my soul, that won't go away...It seems to seep with hurt and grief, and even envy, with each new pregnancy announcement, birth, and "baby's firsts" that I see plastered all over facebook...And, why shouldn't they be happy? I would be, if it were me...But, it isn't...Hence the "funk"...

It was this time, 3 years ago, I was waiting to cycle for the FIRST time "officially TRYING" since we made the decision to have another, and not just NTNP...It was during that time, I bought baby clothes, and maternity clothes, and day dreamed about my HPT's being positive and all that would ensue....Imagining my baby belly bursting out of my shirts, sitting on the couch with a plate of food resting just so on top of bump, and of course, that moment...Holding your very much prayed for baby, in your arms...I could literally SMELL the newborn scent, and almost feel the warmth of a squishy baby on my chest...

3 Years later, and NOT ONE of those things came to be...Not one...

3 years of Hopes and dreams CRUSHED.... Over and over and over...3 years of rooting everyone else on...Watching everyone enjoy their rainbow babies...Some, 2 and 3 times over now...

Another year gone by, another year of heartbreak...

I really did set out to make this month/year not be so full of the past, and hurt etc...BUT, it doesn't matter how HARD I try, this time of year swings by, and I cannot help but be reminded of just how much we have endured the last 3 years, and how LITTLE we have to show for it...

Friday, February 14, 2014

My Broken Hallelujah

I can barely stand right now.
Everything is crashing down,
And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.
I don't always know what to say,
But You're the one that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.
You know the story of every tear.
‘Cause You've been here from the very start.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.
Let me always sing Hallelujah
When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing Hallelujah.
Let me always sing Hallelujah.

I will always sing
I will always sing
Here's my broken hallelujah.




I need a drop of grace to carry me today...

Hope sleeps without me
Her sweet dreams surround me,
But I'm left out
I'll need a fix now
To believe, to feel
These rooms are dark now
These halls are hollow,
And so am I
She is hard to find now
To believe
To see

Hope is what we crave, and that will never change
So I stand and wait
I need a drop of grace to carry me today,
A simple song to say
It's written on my soul:
Hope's what we crave
I won't turn to dust now
Let these tears rust now on my face
Give me the spark now
To believe
To see

Hope is what we crave, and that will never change
So I stand and wait
I need a drop of grace to carry me today,
A simple song to say
It's written on my soul:
Hope's what we crave

To live, to die,
To lose, to get,
To rise above
To love again
To live, to die,
To lose, to get,
To rise above
To love again
To love again

Hope is what we crave, and that will never change
So I stand and wait
I need a drop of grace to carry me today,
A simple song to say
Hope is what we crave
I need a drop of grace
It's written on my soul:
Hope's what we crave

It's written on my soul:
Hope's what we crave

Mmmmmmmm,
Hope's what we crave

MMmmmmmm,
Hope's what I crave



Thursday, February 13, 2014

Hope...


Limbo land...UGH...

It seems we have found ourselves stuck in a strange and uncomfortable land...Limbo Land...What was once solid, concrete plans, are now thrown to the wind...And we wait...We are trying to be patient.....If you didn't already know, patience is NOT one of my best character traits, lol.

Many of you know, we have plans to relocate to southern California. We got word at end of Dec, that our target date to be out in CA, was end of Feb, beginning of March 2014. Great, we Listed house at the start of Jan... Well, End of jan 2014, we get news from corporate at DH's work, that cuts are being made, and "restructuring" is happening, so the transfer may be pushed out till april but no worries...Ok, No big deal...

Beginning of Feb comes along..."It could be 6 to 8 months, maybe longer"...Basically NO one knows what is going on...And TONS of people are being told they cannot transfer for 18 months or more, no matter what the location is...So it isn't just our transfer that is being affected. 

One sliver of hope is, DH reached out to a past mentor who works with the company still, and is now at headquarters. He is going to see if any of his contacts can assist in getting this transfer moved through sooner, and possibly with an even better position than we initially thought! There are NO guarantees, but we are praying for some favor here... 

In other news...The House selling...UGH...All I will say is, the next house we buy, I will DIE in, before I sell again...It is just utter ridiculousness! Dealing with the buyers flaky, unprofessional agents is grating in my nerves...BUT, my house has never been this clean, consistently...LOL! We have had a couple of "almost offers" but it was between us and another house, and the other houses won. But in hindsight, had we accepted an offer and pushed to close sooner, rather than later, we might be homeless, waiting for this darn transfer! So, I am not going to get discouraged about that one bit. 

I just have a pet peeve about people who have no courtesy for others when scheduling showings, and either coming uber late and displacing us for 3 hours  in 10 below weather, just to say "meh, I don't like the yard", to just plain not showing up, and after cleaning for 3 hours I was less than thrilled....But, I guess it is all apart of the "experience"...One I hope to NOT relive again! 




Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Fun with makeup!

Ok, so I normally don't slut it up quite as much during the day...LOL. BUT, I am having so much fun playing with my new younique makeup!

Here is today's look. :)

and another shot of a different day, more natural, less dramatic look...



Also, if you are interested in earning FREE 3D fiber lash mascara, ask me about hosting a virtual party! It is sooo easy!


Sunday, February 2, 2014

Dates on a calendar

Another "should have been" due date  has come...Feb 2nd...::sigh:: 

I am trying not to let this date, a simple date on a calendar, take me back 10 steps...I have come so far, and really hoped today would come and go, without the gut wrenching pain, and grief, that I have kept at bay for the last few weeks...

Today would  have been the day, I should have been due with our baby bean, that we conceived with our last immune cycle, with braverman. That pregnancy ended up to be ectopic, despite looking good initially... We had to terminate...After spending our last bit of savings ( 10+ grand) on a cycle, meds, DR's appts, monitoring, etc, we had to walk away, after more than 2 years, empty handed, broken hearted, and filled with this toxic crap in my body, that was killing our baby...Killing our hopes and dreams for the future, but simultaneously saving my life from almost certain death, if that tube were to have ruptured...But It didn't...The meds worked, I lived...My baby didn't... 

A part of me feels like I too, have died since then. I am working my hardest, striving to NOT be overcome by the immense grief we have endured...But then, then dates like this one comes around, and it makes it almost impossible NOT to think about "what could (and SHOULD) have been"...

I am doing my best to be thankful for all the things around me...To take the pain, and turn it around, and let light shine in. I really dont want to hurt SO bad...I don't CHOOSE this when I wake up each day...Despite my best efforts, some days, the grief and pain just knock me down. Today is one of those days.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

OMG, LOVE them!!!

OK, so I got my official kit in the mail from Younique to be in an independant presenter! It came with sooooo many awesome things!! ( separate blog post all about that!) I don't have tons of time to post right now, but I wanted to show you all my 3D fiber lashes!!! They are amazinggggg!!!!!!!!!!
 100% natural, safe, and non toxic! I wont ever use falsies again! Check these pics out! These are MY lashes :)

                 
If you are interested in purchasing Youniqie's 3D fiber lashes, click HERE.