Saturday, August 31, 2013

Today...

I am pregnant....
Taking it one day at a time....Hoping and praying!

Friday, August 30, 2013

Well....

Not sure where this is going to go...Praying with everything it isn't just another heartbreak...

Thursday, August 22, 2013

What if....

So...I got crosshairs today...


We had a unprotected BD the day before O...(as mentioned in previous post)..so of course, I started thinking "what if"...What if, after all this madness and meds, and pain...It just happens....Then, I remembered....I ovulated on the exact same day (aug 19th) a year ago, and got preg with our may 12th, 2013' ectopic angel....I am not sure why I even remembered that, as I have tried to block out "should have been EDD's" to save myself from some of the pain and constant triggers that come with each passing should have been EDD....But never the less...... I went to check my charts...Sure enough, same day- etc...

Call me crazy, but I still have a small spark of hope for a sticky bean...seems/feels soooooo stupid with our horrible immune DX etc, and with how many losses we have had, even with the immune meds and the many ectopics...Our chances are so low.. I mean, really....BUT...I just can't seem to shake the hope...I hate it...I wish I could just let go...and give up....and move on...BUT hope...it always whispers "try one more time"...UGH!! 

And of course, to add insult to injury, I am stalking the may 2014 birth board on BBC, wishing I could be apart….Hoping that by some strange chance, we get a supernatural miracle…..But what if it is another loss, or worse an ectopic...I just dunno anymore...I have tried so hard to move on...But Hope still lingers....


Sunday, August 18, 2013

Goals reached...And Opps...

I at least accomplished one thing I set out to do...And am super close to accomplishing yet another goal...

Since June 15th, I have lost 30 lbs!



Created by MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

AND- we are almost totally gluten free, not just me, but the WHOLE family! Eating better, staying more active....

Oh, and DH is getting a promotion soon! Not enough to pay for Adoption, surrogacy, or treatments,  BUT at least enough to start getting out of the debt we got in paying for that last cycle in april...

All in all, the last 8 weeks have been productive...Def helps keep the mind from wandering....

As strange as it is....I MISS TTC....we still have as much sex as if we were TTC, so thats good, (lol) and it isn't forced, planned etc....BUT, I miss that anticipation of ovulating, then getting crosshairs on my chart, waiting to test,  etc.......Even though I knew, after so many losses our chances were zlich, of getting a take home baby, I just always had some hope....As I said in a previous post, I find that Hope creeping back in..."what if we just try one more time on our own?".... So not cool....

It's even harder,  not to "go there" when DH swoops in with a middle of the night quickie, for his B day-  after we had had a couple screwdrivers, and forgot  wrap it...

Here is hoping the alcohol, and being "irresponsible" with contraception methods will result in some kind of miracle baby...Hey, It works for the crackheads! Right?

Side note: I had to stop the seasonale BC pills  last month, due to a Blood pressure spike again while on it...Hormones, hate me! I dont know why I even try to take them, I always end up with the rarest of side effects, and all sort of issues...

/



Thursday, August 15, 2013

Hope...Oh why do you creep back in? WHY!!!?

Have this LOVE/HATE relationship with HOPE....On one hand, it makes me feel good to know, after all we have  been through, I still have a spark of hope left inside...It means, I am not totally crushed...

On the the other hand....I hate that I even have the THOUGHT of ever wanting to "try" again (on our own without intervention - more like not trying, not preventing)...I hate that there is this small spark of hope.... I really struggle with the fact that there is a part of me, STILL believing in a miracle....Because I cannot endure more losses...Or God forbid, another ectopic...

How is that even possible after all we have endured that there is still some hope left??? I have NO idea....I almost wish I didn't have this spark of hope, so I could fully move on, and accept life without another baby of our own....But then, I go back to what the DR said about my last little one...How there is NO way she could have survived, and yet, she did...

I have had sooooo many circumstances, in which, the IMPOSSIBLE, came to be not only possible, but a full on miracle.....So, it is hard to just squash every little bit of desire I have inside of me, to see a miracle in this situation...Yet, for 2 years, every day, I pleaded for a miracle, and just had loss after loss....So...Where do I go from here??

How can I move on, when I simply cannot get rid of  this super small portion of hope?

=/


Sunday, August 4, 2013

Don't tell me...



For a mother that has lost a child,
These words hurt like a knife to the heart.
No matter how many children we have after the loss of a child, not even 100 more children can take the place of another.


Angelversarry....

5 years ago, Today...My little baby girl Hannah's heart stopped beating, at 19 ( just a day away from 20 weeks) weeks along....We did not find out until the next day (aug 5th 2008)....My heart is a bit heavy today, thinking of who she would have been...But strangely, when I think of her, I no longer weep uncontrollably....Instead, I smile...I am thankful for all I have learned about myself, and even others....I am thankful for the moments I did have with her while she was here...That I was able to feel her inside of me, alive and kicking, for as long as I could..I am Thankful for a God who carried me through, every step of the way....Thankful for the people who came along side of me and loved me, and didn't try to "fix" me, or make it better, they just were "there"....I am thankful For the courage to live, when all I felt like I doing was dying, after having my soul crushed when she left this earth...The the strength to keep going on, and never giving up HOPE ...I never thought I would reach a day where I don't weep for ALL of our angel babies ( as we have many)...But, Today, I feel peace in my soul, even in the midst of so much grief that still lingers......My heart still aches, deep down, and always will....But I won't let that ache, turn me bitter, jaded, or angry.....No, I have overcome, with the help of my Lord Jesus...I am a survivor...I am a daughter of the King, and a force to be reckoned with...Nothing will keep me down or bound...



Saturday, August 3, 2013

My memorial tattoo....

Here is is!!!!!

In honor of all our angel babies who are now in the arms of our heavenly Father....and for all those  that have gone too soon....