Tuesday, August 11, 2015

We adopted!!

We "adopted" this week...

A batch of embryos!!

We decided earlier this year to look into embryo donation/adoption.... Instantly, we felt that was the "right" decision for us... However, we decided to look into ALL other options again before we went forward.... We ALMOST did IVF with donor sperm (which would also bypass the HLA issues) but after further discussion with my husband we BOTH felt donor embryo/embryo adoption was the best possible option for us to result in a take home baby. And, after further discussion with Dr. Braverman (our old Reproductive immunologist) he agreed that it was the choice that offered the most chance of success...

After all of that, we had to decide on which clinic/program we wanted to use. For those who do not know (which will be a vast majority of you), you can obtain donated embryos through various methods. There are agencies, like Miracles waiting who will help match you with a donating family, based on yours and their search preferences. Then there are self matching sites like the NRFA, where you can add a profile and do your own matching, as well as various online group sites that offer the ability to privately match. Then there are the clinics who use  anonymous donated embryos (meaning you wont ever meet to contact the donating parents) and you use that clinic for the transfer etc... There is ALSO what they call double donor embryos, where they use donated sperm and eggs to make a embryo for you.

We chose to use a anonymous clinic program. I was between my local clinic and one in NV... After some dealing with the local clinic, we decided to use the one in Nevada, and I am SO glad we did!! They are awesome, and you get way more for your money! So after choose the clinic, we had to become "patients"  VIA a phone consult. After that we were given the list of embryos, and got to choose. After narrowing down our choices to 3, we had a follow up phone consult to go over each batch and decide on one.... And we did!!!  Then it was sign and notarize some forms and now...

I'm pleased to announce we are now the proud parents of a batch of snowflakes!!!!

We are hoping to cycle in October!! We will be transferring two 5 day embryos and then, praying like crazy!!!

FINALLY, after nearly 5 years, we have a viable, feasible option that offers a decent chance at a take home baby!! SO excited for this fall!!

Thursday, January 29, 2015

So Pretty...

Of course, I have been doing this long enough (57 cycles now) to know that a pretty chart means nothing when it comes to pregnancy/baby, and especially in OUR case, it means literally nothing...BUT, still...Look at that!



I started tracking my cycles again with temps this month...Its been a while since I actually used my BBT therm.... I wanted to see where I was at cycle wise with managing my PCOS and IR issues and make sure I am documenting my luteal phase and ovulation days to see if we get any progress with balancing those out now that I am taking the metformin again....I kind of miss charting now that I am back at it again...It helps me feel a bit more in the "know" and feel in control... And to be honest, I KINDA started back at it again too, because we have stopped "preventing" again, and are just "seeing what happens"...Its probably a stupid move on my part, but at this point, why not? I have not been had any traumatic losses (that lasted more than 3 days worth of positive tests before bleeding started, and I wouldn't have even known had i not tested) in the last year and a half, since our 4th ectopic that took my tube, and I don't really have anything to lose by just letting nature take its course with both my cycles, and whatever pregnancy may or may not try to "implant"... But every now and again, when I see a pretty chart like this, I day dream about how great it would be to be given an amazing miracle of a sticky bean, with NO immune meds...BUT seriously, its wayyyyy more likely there will be peace in the east, than for us to get a take home baby trying "on our own"...LOL...

Other than this pretty chart, I don't have much to write about, other than a few of the new alternative medicine and therapies I have been using in the last month to manage some of my existing conditions and symptoms related to those...BUT, I will be making a separate post about that to fill you all in on what I am doing, how it is working etc...I am pretty excited to share with everyone, but I wanted to have a FULL month under my belt of supplements and treatments before I started singing too many praises and putting my cart before the horse...

I hope the rest of this week brings blessings and good news to those who are still in their journey to a take home baby, and much rest to all the new mommies out there! 

Love and hugs
Meg

Monday, January 5, 2015

January 4th

Merry Christmas and happy new year to everyone!! I hope this years holiday season was filled with more joy than tears for all of you! 

Just wanted to write a quick post and spill out some of my feelings somewhere...I am aware most of the readers I had before probably aren't even keeping up anymore...so this is really just a therapeutic place for me to vent at this point...anyway...

January 4 is always a hard day for me...it would've been my father's 61st birthday, and should have been Hannah's seventh birthday...but neither of them are here on this earth to celebrate ... Both were taken far too soon... 

To top it off, I started AF that day, which only reminded me that my body is broken...that I will never bring forth life again from my womb...it doesn't help that there are new babies all around the church too...I am not so bitter anymore that I can't be happy for them, I truly am... I just hate the odds at which we have been faced with. And I'm not sure the pain associated with that will ever go away. 

I did however conquer a little bit of a fear I had, despite the day starting off emotional and difficult...for the first time in almost 2 years, I sang with the worship team at church. I'm not going to go into details about why this was such a big deal for me, other than lightly touching on the fact that our previous church had laid on us a bunch of hurtful things, that was detrimental to us ever serving in the body of Christ again, so the fact that we are even attending another church to begin with, let alone starting to serve in ministry is a huge deal! After church was over I felt really good...I felt accomplished, because I never thought I would be up there again...

But by the time I got home my heart was aching again... No matter how many good things I tried to meditate on, and no matter how many wonderful things happen, my heart just hurts...

It has become clear to me through the years that no matter how much time passes my heart will never fully heal...No matter how much I try to make myself 
Move on, it never works... 

There will always be a part of me that cries for  what "should" have been... For my Dad...For Hannah... For ALL our babies ... 

January 4 should've been a great day of celebration... But instead, it's just another day that Reminds me you're not here...

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

I am sacred...

The sacred project film....



I have seen this floating around the loss community the last few days, and unfortunately I did not get our babies names (there are too many anyway) in the film, but I know many close to me, who did, and when I sat to watch this, I was so moved with emotion, I wept at first...What I saw was not grief, so they were not tears of despair, but, on the contrary....Tears of release, and JOY....I saw women embracing what happened to them , but, rising from the ashes and learning there is beauty in these ashes, and  in what we have experienced, and there is no shame....we are NOT broken...we are SACRED....













I started to realize, I can stop loathing my body, and embrace what it is, what it was and what it will always remain as...A sacred place where my babies...ALL of them....My earth babies or my heaven angels...They all felt LOVE...







                               I am a scared space, forever and for always...Because of THEM....

(my picture, taken today, to always remember, I am sacred, and when I feel so very broken)

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

October 15- pregnancy and infant loss awareness day


Today has been an emotionally difficult day...Earlier this morning as I sat going through a PET scan,  due to the possibility of cancer, I couldn't help but Think of all of our angel babies...

My mind was brought back to the last three and a half / four years...well really, back to 9 years ago and my husband and I had our first early miscarriage, then again to six years ago and we lost Hannah Marie, then everything that happened in the years following, mostly the last 3 1/2 four years of consecutive losses...so much heart ache...so much pain...But at the same time still so much joy.....with each life that came just as quickly as they were lost, they brought me joy.....and in the midst of all of that I still had hope...even this time last year I still had so much hope that one day just maybe one day things would work out and we would get one last rainbow baby even if it was five more years down the line when we could afford the IVF and immune meds...

now as I sit here looking back and also looking at the present circumstances we are dealing with, I know that chance for us is over...which is a very difficult thing to except after so much heartbreak...but I cannot change the present circumstances, and all I can do is honor the children I have on earth and the children I have in heaven to the best of my abilities...and hold onto the hope that one day I will have all of them in one place with my arms wrapped tightly around each one...

today I am honoring not only the babies that I have lost but the babies that have been lost all around the world...honoring the hopes and dreams that each of us parents had for each of those precious children...

To all of my fellow Loss momma's, I love you, and I am thinking of you and your precious babies today and holding each one close to my heart ������������������������������




Tuesday, September 30, 2014

In honor of all of our angel babies

I got a picture today that I ordered back in July in honor of all of our angel babies...created by Carly Marie at projectheal.com 

Because we have lost soooo many babies  I chose to use something that would represent them all (last name) -

I can't wait to get a big print of this to hang in the house!!


Saturday, August 23, 2014

Starting to feel like "home"

Its been so strange being back in my old home town, back in good ol California...But, it feels GOOD! Its so much different in this new season of my life..I cannot explain it, but I just feel like every day I am here, a weight is being lifted off of me...Despite the craziness of my health struggles, I am filled with much more peace and joy on a regular basis...I can stretch out, breathe and be "me"....Crazy, silly, perfectly imperfect ME...

Me with some elementary/middle school buddies :) catching up, reminiscing, being silly, and making new memories! 


I have been connecting with old friends, in this new season, and it just amazes me how MUCH we ALL have been through, and survived...seeing who we all have become through the years...Being in our 30's now, things are just different, but at the same time, seem so much like the "good ol days" all at once...I have also met some new friends who have brought a richness to my life that I cannot seen to explain in words adequately...

Each new day is an adventure, and filled with new things...Because I am here with my amazing husband and kids, who are new to this area, it is like I am experiencing it all for the very first time. I am so thankful that we "made it" out here, and were able to make the HUGE decision to move 3,000 miles and totally flip our worlds upside down to make this new start...It wasn't EASY, but it was worth it...

With every passing day, it starts feeling more like HOME, and less like a chaotic, prolonged vacation...lol...

Here are some random pics :)



IN N Out Burger!!!!!! YUM!!!
 


                                                           More sunsets....


View from the road that goes across the mountain range... The mountain breeze and sun on my skin...Its priceless...
                                                                           




view from front porch when sun sets after a storm...
critters...lol




More views while driving...Breathtaking every time we leave the house...



My back yard...
                                                                                                          (celebrating hubbys B day) 



Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Getting settled...

We finally got a house! (not that I didnt LOVE spending time with my parents while we waited to get our own place, but ya know, living with your parents in your 30's even if it is short term just feels NOT right!)

 4 bed 2 full bath- ( MUCH cheaper and bigger than the house we had in NY)  Moved in over the weekend...Still have to pick up some odds and ends,( wall hangings, decorations) and dining room furniture, and more bedroom stuff for our master, and a few more living room things, but we are pretty much set...Its been a rough few days for my physically getting things done, but with the help of some kick butt medications, I made it! LOL....I don't have much more to say other than, I love where we are living, and am excited about the new chapter in our lives! Here are some pics of the house (sorry for the poor quality, between my shakes, and just not caring cause of exhaustion, they are not the greatest)...Place needs some work, but you get the picture :)





 master bed with like nothing in it..LOL...


My walk in closet! yay! :)





View from front porch :) Can see LA on a clear day/night :)
                                                      quiet neighborhood :)











This is my new "workout" program...the stair master...LOL...42 steps up to porch...:) BUT once you get up its like a birds nest all set away and peaceful!

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Last day....

Last day here in NY ... I'm pretty much lost for words ...



We leave tomorrow at o dark thirty ...




Friday, June 13, 2014

Empathy VS. Sympathy

LOVE this short clip- We all need to remember this and practice this more...



Thursday, June 12, 2014

My Lighthouse

I have heard this song so many times...Its been kind of my anthem...







I feel like, right now, I am stuck in the middle of the ocean, on a tiny raft with a slowly leaking hole...Meanwhile, there is every kind of storm known to the world swirling around me...NO, not just some rain, and waves and lightning or thunder...But MASSIVE storm, after storm, after storm, after STORM, that keeps battering me...Over and over...I keep hanging on to the vision in my heart of that "safe shore" ...I cannot wait to get there, lay in the warm sand and BREATHE without swallowing salty water and tears....But, For now, I cling to my leaky raft for dear life, while I search for that light house to give me a beam of light to follow out of this mess...Out of the darkness...Out of the Storms that have engulfed my life...




Tuesday, June 10, 2014

How true...


I often think, when people see me out, on the good days, enjoying my family and life as MUCH as possible, regardless of how crazy and scary things might be right now, they must look and think "wow look how happy/perfect they are"...

Everyone is facing a battle, and rarely do we let our guards down for other's to see it...

I choose to let mine down here on my blogs, because, I know somewhere, someone might be facing a similar situation and battle in their life that they have not felt comfortable sharing, and desperately want to feel less alone.....And it seems like the only way we connect and care about other total strangers, is online, in a virtual world....I just wish sometimes, people could see into our lives deeper than first appearances once in a while, and maybe we would all realize, we are hurting, from something, and everyone needs a little compassion, without having to justify why...

Saturday, June 7, 2014

OBGYN appt- Update on Mass-

Went in Yesterday to see the OBGYN about the mass in my uterus that was found a couple weeks ago.

I really don't feel like going into all the nitty gritty details, like how every pregnant and newborn that could have been in the office, was there...So Ill keep this short. The OBGYN said the mass/growth is Adenomyosis, that has considerably embedded in between the posterior uterine muscle/wall. It does not "look" cancerous in nature, but there is NO way to biopsy it due to the location and a Hysterectomy is suggested....If it grows at all or change by next can, it won't be a "recommendation"...

Obviously not right NOW, but soon... Once we get set up with DR's out there, I need a re scan of the area and a second opinion. (The OBGYN appt yesterday was already the 3rd opinion at this point if you count the ER doc's) Of course, it does NOT take a rocket scientist to figure out that a Hysterectomy would be the utter worst thing for me right now , emotionally speaking, having lost SO much...I cannot lose what makes me a woman, my ONLY chance at carrying another baby in the future if they have some medical breakthroughs in immunology...It could totally take that away from me...Not to mention, the issues that can arise with prolapse after taking out that MUCH of your insides...I do NOT want my bladder falling into my vagina! Not now, not ever....

my OBGYN did say, the mass is the LEAST of my issues, and they should be biopsying the lymphs that randomly swell with no rhyme or reason, and figuring out the source of the Bone pain etc...:::sigh::: every DR I see wants to point a finger at another DR and say "they should be doing this or that"...Meanwhile I am stuck in between, and believe me when I say, I am NOT new to being my own advocate, but when you are dealing with THIS MANY different specialists and DR's...OMG!!!!!! Brain is fried!!

Today...I am trying not to think about it all...Today, I am missing my babies...
'











I am SOOOOOOOOOOO Wishing I was exhausted from nursing and sleepless nights due to cuddling and caring for a newborn, not exhausted from stress and physical limitations my body keeps putting on me that NO one can seem to give answers for or fix...


Things have to get better soon, right?

Edited to add- ANA came back positive and white blood cells are still elevated- No one knows why yet-

Friday, June 6, 2014

Use of intralipids for recurrent pregnancy loss- Info from Braverman-

On Tuesday, (6/3/2014) Dr. Braverman delivered a presentation at the 34th Annual Meeting of the American Society of Reproductive Immunology about the use of intralipid therapy for recurrent pregnancy loss.

Intralipid therapy for recurrent pregnancy loss – controversies and future directions

J Braverman, DR Ritsck
Braverman Reproductive Immunology PC, Woodbury, New York, USA

Intralipid is a 20% fat emulsion containing soybean oil triglycerides that was developed as a source of parenteral nutrition for patients unable to tolerate an oral diet.  Immunomodulatory functions of Intralipid infusions were subsequently noted and Intralipid infusions, touted by many as an inexpensive alternative to IVIG, are now widely used to treat recurrent pregnancy loss. 

While Intralipid infusions have been used for years in women experiencing recurrent pregnancy loss with anecdotal success, a satisfactory explanation for its therapeutic effects has been largely lacking.  We will discuss controversies regarding its potential immunological mechanisms of action.  There are several studies that demonstrate inhibitory effects of Intralipid on NK cell cytotoxicity, but there is so far no satisfactory description of the mechanism by which this effect is achieved.  It is also not clear if Intralipid-mediated suppression of NK cell cytotoxicity is a relevant mechanism for its effects on preventing immunological pregnancy loss.

Alternatively, Intralipid’s effects may be mediated through metabolic effects on T cells.  While resting T cells have a relatively low metabolic demand and use a balance of glucose, lipids, and amino acids as their metabolic fuel, activation of T cells causes them to undergo a dramatic metabolic reprogramming.  While activation of effector T (Teff) cells of the Th1, Th2 and Th17 induces a decrease in fatty acid oxidation (FAO) and shift glucose metabolism away from oxidative phosphorylation and towards glycolysis, regulatory T (Treg) cells conversely rely heavily on FAO, and not on glycolysis, for fuel.  The distinct metabolic differences between Treg and other T cell lineages may provide a target for selective immunomodulation that could be exploited therapeutically.  Recent studies in fact have demonstrated that addition of exogenous fatty acids to T cells during activation inhibits differentiation of Teff cells and favors differentiation of Treg cells.  Additionally, metformin increases Treg cell generation by binding to and activating AMP kinase, which in turn inhibits mTOR and causes a decrease in glycolysis and an increase in FAO.  Thus, Intralipid infusion may function as one arm of an immunometabolic approach to promote Treg cell-mediated tolerance of the semi-allogenic embryo and efficient embryo implantation.      

While there are obvious differences in their biochemical composition, Intralipid infusions are promoted by many clinicians as an inexpensive and effective functional alternative to IVIG.  We will discuss this controversial idea informed by both the literature and our extensive clinical experience with both Intralipid and IVIG, including evaluation of our own data.     

Finally, we will discuss areas for future research including the use of alternative intravenous fat emulsions containing higher ratios of ω-3 to ω-6 fatty acids.         



Monday, June 2, 2014

Adventures in urgent care land...

So, a lot has happened in the last week or so...I wish It was good things, but instead, just more junk heaped on to our already full plate...

So 2 week ago I was in urgent care for side/abdominal pain...Turned out to be inflamed lymph in my intestine etc...Cause: remains unknown still...Still dealing with pain and major gastrointestinal issues, but i'm alive at least....Been trying to tough it out till we get to CA and get into a new practice ...

Fast forward to this last friday, and after mowing the lawn the day before, (First day I felt like getting out of bed in weeks) I find a tick, in my scalp..my first one ever...Ick! Here in upstate NY, lyme disease is HUGE ( 1 in 20 ticks carry lyme), and because my Son was diagnosed in the very late stage of Lyme in 2012, ( we never knew he was  bit) I wanted to be sure I went in and got the preventative meds anyway, especially since the tick wa a nymph, which 90% of the time are the lyme carriers....So, off I go...

I get settled and in walks the DR I saw a week before for the side/abdominal pain...He wags his finger upon walking in the room, saying "I have been trying like HECK to get a hold of you!"...I was a bit baffled, and curious a to why...?...He went on to say he had been trying to get a hold of my primary (the useless doc who told me that if holocaust survivor can get over what happened to them, I need to get over our miscarriages....I could go on and on about the assine stuff he has done and said...) Then he tried to call my cell, but didn't leave a message, because I go by my middle name (Surprise, Megan is NOT my legal first name, my parents decided to torture me and call me by my middle name constantly confusing DR's) and my voice mail said "you have reached megan" and HIPPA makes it so that he cant take chance in case it wasn't my number...OK....

ALL that to say...The ultrasound upon further review showed some growths. Apparently my uterus is distorted in shape and size, and there is a myomatous infiltration of the uterine wall, and possible adenomyosis...Apparently it looked bad enough that the Urgent care DR's suggested I go in for a biopsy before we leave NY....I asked if there was anyway I could wait till we got sorted in CA, and he advised I do not wait...The big reason he wants to push for biopsy is that I am symptomatic, having pain with intercourse, and general pelvic fullness and increase urgency to urinate etc...I went to my OBGYN about thi in Feb and was given a RX for hydrocodone and offered NO testing...So the Urgent care DR set me up with a NEW primary that i going to advocate for my testing for the biopsy, and also, get me a referral to see a rheumy DR for the other issues (Bone pain, extreme fatigue, vision issues) which my current primary was not willing to do, he just wanted to give me MORE zoloft and xanax, and offer NO testing...

I am really hopeful this new DR can get a few thing rolling before we move to Cali, and cut off as much wait time as we can...If I can get in for the testing before we leave it will ensure I get into a practice out there sooner than if I was new patient  VS transferring records and having a head start on it all....

As far a the uterus thing goes, that scares me because the typical treatment for symptomatic people is a complete hysterectomy...That makes my heart jump in my throat...Take away my uterus?? I mean, yea, I hate the damn thing, it is a serial killer to my babies with the help of my immune system, but what if, just what IF, one day, we got the money, or a new med breakthrough in reproductive immunology happen and we can try again....But if I have no uterus, there is no more chances... As much as we have like NO hope of a take home baby due to the many faucets of our reproductive issues, to have literally NO womb inside of me just makes me feel sick inside...The grief I felt when one of my tubes was taken was terrible...I cant imagine having to take it all out and never , ever, ever be able to carry a baby again, not even for a couple weeks?...NEVER...? I just can't even articulate how much that would devastate me....

However, if it will save my life ( god forbid it (the growth) was not benign ) I would do it...I just hate the thought of this having to even be a POSSIBILITY...

::sigh:: I wanted to be having a baby right about now, not a biopsy....


In other news- we leave for Cali in 19 day!!!!!

Also, my mom is waiting to hear back on some of the other testing they have done...no news yet though.....Thank you for the prayers!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Say Something....*God answers back*

I posted a few months ago about a song by Great big world called "say something"...The moment I heard the song, I left like it spoke to the depth of me, where I was questioning "God where are you? say something, I am giving up on you!"...Through the last few years, its has been almost unfathomable to see just HOW MUCH loss we have endured...With each loss that we prayed for a miracle for, it was another disappointment, another way I felt the chasm between God and I get bigger and his voice more distant, his love almost nonexistent...I knew he didn't "cause our losses to happen" but he COULD have at least save ONE baby...Or at least spared me surgeries and complications that were so unnecessary...Anyway...This song was almost my anthem, as we began to close this chapter of our lives...Over the course of the last few months I would say I have inched closer to God again, but there are times I keep doubting and asking "where are you in the midst of all this pain! I am not asking for a miracle anymore, I just want peace! I cry out and hear nothing!!"...Needless to say its been a battle...

This song popped up on my feed this morning, (I thought it was just a regular extended cover) and because I had not heard the song in a while I figured, why not have a GOOD cry to start the day, since I woke up feeling melancholy....I clicked play...The tears started....

Then about halfway through, I realized this was NOT a typical cover song....I will let YOU hear it for yourself, but, cue more TEARS...


Monday, May 26, 2014

So much to say....

But yet, I am lost for words....

I am such a mix of emotions lately...I don't know if I am coming or going...Between my health (which is still touch and go right now due to some unknown auto immune function/virus), my Mom's tests ( she goes for more tests this week and a biopsy) and of course the move...As excited as I am for it, I am just so mixed up too!! (I am sure the birth control pills I started recently is NOT helping me any in the emotional department!) Closing this chapter in our lives signifies so much and it's kind of hard to let go of all of the things we tried to build upon in this last chapter...The good and the bad...Some days I am ready, some days I am anything but ready for this to all get real...

But ready or not, in 26 days, we will close the door to this house, this chapter, this part of our lives and set out on a adventure across the country....26 days....

Oh, AND, a update on weight loss battle- None lost recetly, because well, I feel like POOP- BUT no gaining either and considering I am emo eating and laying in bed a lot, I am happy about it! lol...I decided to throw on a pair of pants that were TOO TIGHT on me last winter-


I have a LONG ways to go to get to my goal, but I also have come a LONG way already and need to remind myself of these little accomplishments when I am feeling down...:)



Tuesday, May 20, 2014

This happened...

started seasonique pills-

Last week, I had some pretty nasty health issues that landed me in the ER (thank you effed up immune system) and almost got me emergency surgery for appendicitis. LUckily, NO surgery was needed, it was just lymph nodes in my abdomen ( yes they are in there too! I had NO idea!) that got inflamed and  aggravated my spleen etc...This also just happened to be on CD 1...I think we may have had a chemical (we were NTNP, butI wasn't testing) and it triggered another immune flare- 

Regardless, between how crappy I have been feeling, the upcoming road trip (32 days and we leave from NY for Cali~!) not to mention the fact we are moving back in with my parents (not out of necessity, more convenience, we could afford a house but are saving money, and are making up for lost time with the rent anyway) I don't need to throw in the physical and emotional aspects of a miscarriage into the mix, or GOD forbid, another ectopic...Hell to the NO!
So back on BCP's I go for a while anyway...I hate them, and hell, they have even failed me before a couple time, but at least I am TRYING to limit the amount of screwed up things that can happen as we transition from life here in NY to life in CA here soon...

Also, thank you for prayers for my Mom, she goes back in for more tests this week...Its not been easy trying to keep from worrying, but we are trying...

Also, trying to get myself into a rheumatologist and immunologist there in CA...I got some more of my records from Braverman, and have been scouring the rest of the results in regards to ways those off kilter immune functions can affect the rest of my body and it isn't good. not to mention the ER dr told me based on some of the other symptoms I  am having ( bone pain swollen lymph, extreme fatigue elevated WBC) I need to go get seen by a specialist anyway...Just waiting to get a referral from  primary to fax over or bring with me to a provider there in CA, since the wait list to be seen here in 3+ months...at least my mom and I can be DR appt buddies~! Trying to find the silver lining... 

Anyway, thats pretty much all thats going on here- it is getting down to crunch time- and final preparations are being made for the move- in 39 days, I will be posting from California! 

Friday, May 16, 2014

Prayers please...

My Mom just got the call...There are two spots on her mammogram, she needs further testing...She already survived breast cancer once 10 years ago, I know she can fight it again, but good grief, we needed a streak of good news not more bad...ugh...Moving could not happen soon enough. I need to be close to my mom...Any and all prayers are greatly appreciated!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

I survived

Mother's day that is.

I wrote in a previous post, about how the day was really going to be emotional for me in so many ways...Especially with the should be due date of our last loss falling on the same day...And, It was. I woke up early that morning, and sat alone on the couch drinking my coffee and thinking...Thinking about the last 4 years we have endured...The HOPE, excitement, and celebration at the start of each pregnancy, and the immense loss, devastation and grief  with each loss...Remembering in such depth, ALL of the events that took place, brought it back in technicolor/surround sound...It was as if I could taste the tears that fell from my cheeks, and feel the intense ache deep in my soul all over again...The more I thought, the more I realized, I was not ready to face this day outside of the 4 walls of my home, and especially not at church, on the one day when they exhort all the Mother's/babies...There was a little peace that came just from admitting I was "not ok" enough to do the church thing this year...


I sooooo wanted to get up that morning, get dolled up in my sunday's best, and snap some cute  Mom/Kids pics before heading into church, followed by sunday brunch and family game/movie night, seamlessly getting through the day, unscathed by the meaning behind it...I wanted to conquer the day victoriously. (perhaps signaling the start of true healing?) But how on earth could I go through a day like that, created to honor Mother's and their babies, and just pretend that all was well and "happy ever after"?  How could I forget each little life that was so very wanted, yet so swiftly taken from us...How can I forget that with every card, kiss and macaroni necklace I get from my children here in this life,  there's always someone missing that should have been here...How can I just NOT honor the lives those little babies had, however brief? I am just as much a mother to those angels, as I am to the babies I have here with me to hold in this life,  and because the LOVE I have for ALL my children stretches so DEEP, it is impossible to just "forget" ..Impossible to just "get over"...unfathomable for me to even consider not thinking of them on such a day, and every day really...They are forever apart of me...And yet, they untouchable at the very same time...It makes for a very difficult emotional battle on Days like Mother's day...

So, instead of the standard celebratory events, we spent the day at home...It was a beautiful, perfectly sunny, spring day...Everything in bloom....I tried my best to escape my melancholy mood, and live in the moment, instead of in the past and let  the "should be's" over take me...But it was HARD...I wont lie...In fact, I am still dealing with the emotional after effects even today. But, I survived...And One day, maybe one day, I will be able to conquer Mother's day with a smile on my face, at the thought of my angels dancing in heaven instead of a tear in my eye, wishing I could make memories with them even for just one moment....


Monday, May 12, 2014

A small glimpse ...


Of where we will be living....This is in the area of the San Bernardino national forest, also known as Crestline, Lake arrowhead, Running Springs- Big bear Lake area-
 Here are some random snap shots of the area-


















here is a vid from the city, up the mountain....:)