Monday, April 21, 2014

Required reading...

   Part of my courses at Stillbirthday University, include the reading of two books (of your choice out of about 25), that you will need to do an essay on,  at the end of the classes. One of the two books I chose, came in the mail the other day, and because we have been so consumed in moving I set it aside on my side table for a week or more...

  Then, one quiet afternoon, I picked it up and began to read (  I know, a little early, classes don't start till July) with a good cup of tea...

It is called "The invisible pregnancy: Give birth to healing" Written by SBD's very own Hedi Faith. She is a dear soul who is committed to being a light in the darkness for women dealing with the unthinkable...I am blessed to be able to work with her through SBD.
 

I am going to be 100% honest...I am struggling like heck to read this book...The trending theme is that Grief is a pregnancy. Even the "dares" are set up as a 40 week challenge...I find the connection between the two seasons, in this book immensely hard for me, because we won't be able to experience a  tangible, healthy pregnancy again, and comparing the grief that comes with that, to another pregnancy of sorts has me in knots...Maybe it was the detailed description of her (Heidi's) actual labor (in the paragraph before this clip I posted-)  that had me yearning for the real thing, yet again...Instead of seeing the symbolism, and digging deeper emotionally, I just kept flashing back to what I had envisioned my last birth would be like...The kind with a REAL baby you get to hold after, and bring home...Each word I read off the page seemed to drip with tears, and burn with anger, and groan with sadness from deep within...It took a mere 45 minutes just to read a few pages, because I had to stop and fight back tears with each paragraph....



I mean, I get it, it makes sense. I know the "problem" is not with the book, but with "me"...In fact, I knew this long ago, which is why I have detested reading healing/self help books.  I know it grates on those tender places that I have kept hidden from even myself...But, I know I NEED to go through these feelings, and face this season of my life instead of hiding or trying to wish it away...Pretending this gaping wound does not exist won't make it go away...Which was why I decided I NEEDED to go through this course at SDBU...

But, knowing you need it, does NOT make it easier to chew through and deal with...I have tried sooo HARD to push past this anger, fear and pain that envelops me, so I can heal, but it just stings like someone is RIPPING off a scab from a DEEP wound...Each moment of self evaluation is like a ton of rocks being heaped on top of you...It is clear, this journey, this season, it is going to be much harder and more difficult to navigate than I have anticipated...But I fear, there is NO turning back now...I have traveled too far down this windy road, past the point of no return...

I plan to journal each chapter/week/dare here on this blog, mostly because I know it won't be lost in the move, but also, because I hope this messy, chaotic and insane journey can help someone else in the process...Because, I can't be the ONLY one who feels this way, and cant be the ONLY one in these shoes, even though it most certainly feels like I am the only one who has ever set foot on this rocky road of grief...

I hope, when I come to the end of this, no matter what it looks like, I have a bit more peace, understanding and JOY gleaming from inside of me...And maybe, just maybe, it can shine some light into the dark places in someone else's soul...Or the the very least, see the light at the end of the tunnel in my own....

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Patience is not my strong suit...

I have NEVER been a person who was good at or patient while waiting...I always huffed and puffed, and moaned about things..."WHY is it taking sooooooooo LONG" stuff...Looking back,  a lot  MOST of those things were pretty trivial, excluding the last 4 years...

This last season of life has presented more challenges and waiting than I would have liked...Its been nearly unbearable. Especially, the baby thing. To have waited so LONG (more than a year just to get surgery to TTC again- then 3+YEARS of actively trying) and have so many losses, and invested SO much money, all for nothing, it is a hard pill to swallow...It makes one not want to take risks again, quite frankly...The "what can go wrong, usually will" is a theme that seems to have followed me around these days, along with Murphy's law...

So when we decided to step out and relocate from NY to CA, we had an inkling that we might run into a few bumps in the road here and there...Never did we expect there to be sooooo MUCH waiting and rearranging! First we were told to get ready to "go" by feb, then march/april, Now possibly mid may...and we are stillllll waiting on the details of schedule , pay and relocation benefits...I mean, we are ready and can go whenever, with little effort to put in to make it all happen, but still...I am a planner and this irks me. All that being said, we are THIS close to getting all the answers we need, I can practically smell it and I am going insane waiting! I just want to know it all NOW and have a D day to count down to officially...I want to book flights and fill out POD up without having to worry we will be here 2 months more, shuffling through boxes to find (insert needed item that was packed)...We should have all the details no more than a week from now....Could be sooner...

soo.....we wait...and wait....


Oh please, oh please, let us get answers soon!! The planner in me need to PLAN!! ahhh!!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Everyone gets it...

You know, that NASTY little disease  that slowly infects the  mind and soul...Also know as, The green eyed monster ...Yup...I am talking about Jealousy...





Its something that every SINGLE one of us has felt at some point in time or another, be it in a relationship,  or even a lack there of ( think, "everyone else is getting married and I am not!") or something I see a LOT of...Facebook envy/jealousy...People sit around and scan through all these seemingly awesome pics and life experiences, and think "gee, I wish I could do that, or had a family like that, or a car like that and a JOB like that!".....


I think  jealousy plays a HUGE ROLE ( much bigger than anyone wants to realize) in the IF/Baby loss community especially,  and more often than not, is the driving force behind our actions both to others, and ourselves... I find that even the most self aware person is wrapped up in a crazy amount of jealousy in regards to this specific life event, myself included.....Especially  towards   those who seem generally "undeserving" of parenthood....Heck, we spend months rooting for each other when TTC, but even when it is your best friend, Who you prayed for day and night, when that pregnancy announcement goes public, you get a twinge...The jealousy twinge...Then start asking all those  questions that follow...."why her and not me?"  .... "why did the crack head get pregnant and take her baby home, but MINE DIES?"...."when is it MY turn, I just want ONE, why does she get 5?" ...or, in my case " why do I get any chances of another baby taken away, but a woman who MURDERS 8 of her newborn babies in cold blood  and hides them in a box, yea she gets to have another chance and her immune system works just dandy!"....See, I'm even jealous is peoples good working immune systems!! ( I realize how silly that sounds...lol)...

All of these are pretty normal feelings from time to time, (specifically after pregnancy/infant loss) but if left unchecked could pose some serious issues.  Generally , like cancer, the warning signs are subtle enough to be ignored, but the disease is powerful enough to destroy you before you even know it.....Proverbs has a "nice" way of putting it...




I just recently had a young woman from church,  tell me that she just could not come and hang out at the house with us as a family, because it is too hard on her. You see, she wants more than anything to have a husband and family,  but has yet to find a decent man to fulfill that desire...I totally understood, and even In the moment, was taken back to a time when I said something similar  in regards to hanging out with my VERY pregnant friend (different friend), and how that was too hard for ME...So while, I understood her place, I began to analyze it all a little more...

For ME, personally, I started the family thing early,  and with a LOT of bumps In the road due to my step daughter bio mom, and my daughter's bio dad ( my ex)  so I couldn't relate to those feelings of NEEDING to be married but having to watch everyone else move on and start families, (everyone I knew when I was newly  married was still partying like a rock star) but I know a few of you have and can remember a time probably similar in your life that goes along the lines with this...

 The more I thought about it, the more I realized her desire to be married is no different than my desire for another baby...We both have HOPES and DREAMS that are on "hold" and are unable to be fulfilled right now, and the ache that comes with having to wait while watching others get what you would give anything for HURTS...While the circumstances are different, the ache is the same...

Sure, she doesn't NEED to be married, life can be wonderful without a husband, but her DREAM is to have that...

Sure, I don't NEED to have another baby, heck  no one NEEDS to have a child period (pretty sure the world isn't in danger of being underpopulated) but it is a DREAM, woven deep in our hearts....dare I say, woven into our DNA even. (the woman's desire to reproduce is a physical thing)...

When it doesn't or cannot be fulfilled, (either in our time, or ever due to circumstances beyond your control)  it is hard to watch others gain it effortlessly, then turn and take it for granted...Then the green eye monster comes in, and isolates you, and creates In you, anger, and contempt towards others and especially God...

I have found myself allowing that to happen more and more over the last 3 years, but especially the last year or so. Since we stopped being able to really try, and got the diagnosis we have less than 1% chance of carrying to term, I find myself jealous ...If I am honest with myself, I am jealous a LOT...Pretty much anytime I see a pregnancy update, belly bump or announcement, it sets off inside of me, a chain reaction...It starts with pain (remembering the losses) then goes to sadness, then anger (why me stuff) then goes into envy/jealousy and then back to anger and sadness...Try as I might to fight it, it happens every.single.time. Even announcements and updates from buddies I rooted for and prayed for years for, sends me in a dark place, then I feel guilty  that I felt that way...

I have begun to pray and ask God how I can deal with this...Because I hate this part of me...I will never stop desiring the baby that we set out to bring home, but have not been able to. Or stop remembering the babies we have lost...But I have to find a way to get rid of the toxic hole in my heart that keeps dragging me down and asking "why her and not me!!?...I have to find a way to cope with the loss of our dreams, and not allow jealousy to infect my being...Because, babies and bellies are everywhere....Since the birth of a rainbow wont be coming (right now) to ease the ache and bring light and hope after the storm/s (many of them), I am doomed to spend the rest of my life miserable, in constant self torment and filled with jealousy  if I don't figure this out...













So how do you stop being jealous ? I am not really totally sure, I know all of the "right things" you are supposed to say or do but none of it matters when you are in the midst of starring that green eye monster in the face...I have tried to distract myself, keep busy etc. That doesn't work. I have counted every blessing and tried to stay thankful for what we have, but still, it never goes away...They say that...

I suppose that is true in a lot of ways....I never truly felt jealous of others moving on with their rainbows until I was confident that our chances of having our own rainbow were gone. It was the lack of confidence that we too would have a baby again, that bred inside of me the pain, envy and jealousy I feel with each trigger or event associated with this situation that comes.

So, how do I get past this, with no resolution, with no happy ending after ALL we have endured, and invested? I wish I knew for sure...But I am going to start by taking my thoughts captive, and not allowing myself to compare and start doing the "why her and not me's"...I will tell you, it isnt easy in light of the news coming out of utah this week....











Now on to reach some of the goals I set not long ago, and make some new ones to help keep me moving in a positive direction...




Friday, April 4, 2014

little updates-

Just a few little updates-

I still LOVE my beach body/shakeology stuff...I wish I could say I lost weight...BUT, my thyroid is making it super hard to do! I found out my TSH was a bit high, meaning my thyroid function is too low- I have an apt to see my regular endo on the 30th, since my asshat primary is useless and still think a TSH of 4 is normal...(face palm)...

We have two offers on the house- making a decision this weekend! Ahhhhh!!

DH's new interview dates for the new position (the one he planned to transfer with was liquidated) and we should have a target "report to" date by the 18th of this month....:)

Younique still rocks my socks...I only have a 100 bucks to reach my next goal! :) And they just came out with some new stuff!! eeek!

I'm finding the nearing of mothers day starting to cause a panic...We have 2 different "should have been"  EDD's and a angelversary date on that day, ( two different years in a row) and it just causes me to want to hide in bed...Hopefully we are soooo involved in the move, it wont phase me....Hopefully...Another year gone, no babies in my arms...Its such a hard reality, one I hate having to face at the end of the day when the noise fades....
anyway, onward and upward I guess...
 

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Cmon spring!

It has been SO uber cold here, that I have had to resort to using the fake sun to get some vitamin D!
OMG, it felt AMAZING!
 
Aside  of wishing for warmer weather, we have been waiting on pins and needles for details on the transfer and new position. The are taking FOR EVEAH to work out the details- I hope and pray it will all pay off, this waiting and being patient crap.
 
The house....well, we are working out details of an incoming offer this weekend, and hope to be able to "accept" it soon! That will be a HUGE step in the right direction in regards to this move etc, so prays for a smooth transaction would be appreciated!
 
 
I do have a LITTLE bit of exciting news...
 
 
wanna know what it is??..........................................
 
OK, ok......
 
 
 
 
 
My tuition for Stillbirthday University's bereavement doula training program is PAID IN FULL, and I start classes in JULY!! That is exciting! I am also sort of nervous, as I know this will dig up a great deal of my own grief, and cause me to  move past it, and learn how to USE it to help others...This requires a LOT of self examination, and that gets tiresome, and uncomfortable, especially if you are really, authentically putting all you have into what you are doing...I think this is what I need in this new season. I do NOT think I am ready to start being a doula for loss mommies, but I am ready to start the training...You have to start somewhere, sometime....
 
OK, moving along...
 
  In all of our efforts to be super ready when move day comes, I have packed a few more things, and in doing so, stumbled upon a drawer that contained a few items that sent me down memory lane...
 
I found a envelope with ALL my paper work...Tests, consent forms etc. from all our surgeries, procedure and crazy meds...I also found a bag full of needles I stashed away to bring back, but had no room in my sharps containers, but when I returned the containers I had forgotten about this last bit of needles....Seeing it all sent me back to cycling...
 
As horrible as it was dealing with side effects and the cost of treatments, I MISS the HOPE we had...The day dreaming I would let myself do about our baby, and such...I don't let myself go there anymore, so seeing those things that represented a time in our lives when there was hope, at least more than there is now, is kind of sad, in comparison to where we are now...Oh how I WISH I could keep HOPE nestled deep in my soul,. But the  more than 15 losses and heart wrenching experiences we have endured echo in my head, and  scream in the distance "YA RIGHT!"...I hear the words of 3 different DR's ...."less than one % chance of carrying to term"....NO, not getting pregnant, because that we CAN do, but carry to term, well that's another story....Oh how I was not reminded every day at the brokenness of my body...If its not unrelenting facebook posts, its little things that jump out of my drawers when I least want it to, and send me back, thinking, wishing...wishing we could HOPE.
 
Anyway, that's about it...Hopefully next time I post, I have dates for our trip to relocate to CA ( from NY) ...Oh yea, we decided to DRIVE ....lol...I might be mildly insane..;)

 

Sunday, March 16, 2014

“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.” 
― C.S. LewisA Grief Observed

Saturday, March 15, 2014

5+ days...

Into my 21 day Beachbody challenge, and despite having to deal with another chemical preg (I have stopped counting how many we have had- we have been NTNP/ AKA, doing a terrible job avoiding) which resulted in a KILLER AF this week,  but none the less, I am feeling great physically! I dont think I have lost anything weight wise,( I'll measure and do weight next week) but I am feeling much more flexible, and stronger (now that the soreness has started to ease). I have been making MUCH better eating choices too...Here is my Dinner from tonight-
Doesn't look so great, but it was YUMMY! Spaghetti squash ( baked first to cook) mushrooms and garlic sauteed in a dash of olive oil, then mixed with squash, and a dash of fresh grated parmesan cheese on top.  The squash, and mushrooms, with a pepper mix is also delish with a low fat alfredo sauce as a replacement for pasta! 

My fave thing that I have added to my routine with this program? The SHAKEOLOGY! OMG, YUMMY!!  SO many great things you can do with it! AND, I got the hubbs on board! He has been doing the shakes with me and has noticed a significant increase in energy without needing any additional caffeine etc...

Check out this recipe for protein bars... OMG, just made some, and the fam is over the moon for them, and the help with that sweet tooth!

I will probably go right into another 21 days if this, once this challenge is over...I would LOVE to be 20 lbs lighter by summer! Even if I don't lose a ton of weight, I can feel the changes in my muscles, which is good! I have not been able to maintain a workout program before now, due to the neurocardiogenic issues, which back then, I had NO idea what was going on...But since the DX, and the addition of the beta blockers, I am able to work out, every, single day, and not feel dead after!

I wish I  could say that emotionally I am ok...This week has been HELL for so many, many reasons. ( not even counting the chemical, though Im sure hormones contributed) I dont even want to try and go over them, there are just so many...I am however, thankful that I am able to keep going, doing the things I need to do physically, and stay motivated, even when I am literally HURTING in my soul throughout the day...It does seem to come at the most inopportune times, unfortunately. I am still standing though....Still breathing, living, loving and trying to laugh a little when I feel the light...:)