Saturday, August 23, 2014

Starting to feel like "home"

Its been so strange being back in my old home town, back in good ol California...But, it feels GOOD! Its so much different in this new season of my life..I cannot explain it, but I just feel like every day I am here, a weight is being lifted off of me...Despite the craziness of my health struggles, I am filled with much more peace and joy on a regular basis...I can stretch out, breathe and be "me"....Crazy, silly, perfectly imperfect ME...

Me with some elementary/middle school buddies :) catching up, reminiscing, being silly, and making new memories! 


I have been connecting with old friends, in this new season, and it just amazes me how MUCH we ALL have been through, and survived...seeing who we all have become through the years...Being in our 30's now, things are just different, but at the same time, seem so much like the "good ol days" all at once...I have also met some new friends who have brought a richness to my life that I cannot seen to explain in words adequately...

Each new day is an adventure, and filled with new things...Because I am here with my amazing husband and kids, who are new to this area, it is like I am experiencing it all for the very first time. I am so thankful that we "made it" out here, and were able to make the HUGE decision to move 3,000 miles and totally flip our worlds upside down to make this new start...It wasn't EASY, but it was worth it...

With every passing day, it starts feeling more like HOME, and less like a chaotic, prolonged vacation...lol...

Here are some random pics :)



IN N Out Burger!!!!!! YUM!!!
 


                                                           More sunsets....


View from the road that goes across the mountain range... The mountain breeze and sun on my skin...Its priceless...
                                                                           




view from front porch when sun sets after a storm...
critters...lol




More views while driving...Breathtaking every time we leave the house...



My back yard...
                                                                                                          (celebrating hubbys B day) 



Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Exactly one year ago today...

A life,  a miracle, was created....Our precious angel baby was conceived...We were not trying...It was a couple months after our  Braverman cycle (also ectopic- May/June 2013)....We had been trying to abstain, but my cycles were whacky and we had a few spontaneous unprotected BD sessions in there.... Honestly, I figured nothing would come of it anyway...

A week and a half later, I found out something DID come of it...I was of course scared, given our history, and not being on any of the "necessary" meds, also coming off just having had rounds of metho in may....But at the same time..I HOPED.... And prayed...And prayed even more...

And then...a couple weeks after that, we lost our baby bean, on Sept 14th, 2013, via laproscopic surgery because it was growing in my tube, instead of my uterus...Making that, ectopic #4 requiring tube removal with baby in it...(other 3 EP's were treated with MTX) and documented loss # 13...Its almost insane just remembering all that ensued with the whole ordeal.... Over the course of the last year, so much has happened, some of the details faded away...But today, I cant help but think about it...And not in a super sad, grieved way, but just more reflective I guess....Interestingly enough today is also world wide pregnancy/infant loss remembrance day ( International Day of Hope)....

I only happened to realize that today was "today",  because as I was sifting through my charts on FertilityFriend before my VIP expires in 3 days, and trying to track my cycles etc...Coincidentally, I ovulated today, ( I didn't temp, since we are not "trying", but I can feel the ovulation pains and other signs I normally get)  exactly like this time last year, and due to a little excess champagne (Yesterday was hubbys' B day) last night, we had some unprotected "fun"...I don't obviously expect much to come from that,  ( though I didn't last year either...) since we have not really been preventing much (with the exception of may/june of this year before moving/traveling to cali, I was on the pill) and NO BFP's (that made it to a beta test or past 12 dpo) to write home about...

I just thought it was interesting, since rarely do my cycles stay the same, like ever, let alone ovulation on the same day exactly a year later etc...Part of me wants to hope for some amazing miracle, but the other part of me knows, I just cannot "go there"...Right now, I need to focus on my health, my family, and this new season we are in, starting our lives in cali...

I know, I know, if I don't want set backs, or loss drama, "maybe we should prevent better", but honestly, I don't think there is a chance in heck anything could stick and thrive in my God forsaken body right now...And the risks associated with contraceptives is too great for me with the other meds I am on at the moment..My cycles are too crazy to just "avoid during said fertile time" since last month I didn't O  till CD 26...If I held DH off that long waiting for O to pass, things would be less than stellar around the house...LOL..OH, and condoms? yea, I am allergic...And really,  who the heck wants to use those after 4 years of ATTC...Things just don't feel the same once you go so long without them...Ok...Enough about that...You get the picture...Probably more than you bargained for!

On another note...we are LOVING living in the California mountains...NO regrets about moving, what so ever! Now that we have our own place and are settled in, things feel so "right"...Despite the health things, ( I did manage to get into a Rhum on Oct 2nd, instead of waiting till Jan, BTW, so whoo whoo!)  I am super blessed and so happy to be here in this place, in this time in our lives...I am thankful for each day, and even thankful for the past...For I have come to realize I am MUCH stronger than I ever imagined, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel finally...Things are going to be good ...

'
Ok,enough rambling...


Friday, August 15, 2014

Neuro appt update - and "emo" grumbling

Well, that was just a waste of my TIME  and MONEY ..He  (neuro) basically said I have abnormal brain waves causing seizure activity but they don't know WHY or really if there is any "fix" other than tweaking medications the rest of my life...I will NOT be cleared to drive anytime soon...Which was another bummer...So, thousands of dollars later on tests and DR appts, etc, and still NO real answers....

I have a follow up with Oncology on August 28th, to go over the blood, X-rays and body CT -and go over those results....I'm not holding my breath for that either...

I have been calling all day to get into to see a Rhumy sooner than January, and have two places calling me back in the next week with appts either at end of Sept or mid Oct...Not soon enough for my liking but better than JANUARY!

If i had the extra MONEY I might try to go the holistic route but I cannot just stop taking the meds I am on right now abruptly or it can cause serious issues, and I cannot just start messing with herbs and cleanses right now, due to drug interactions....

Of course, this is all petty in comparison to the fact that one of my childhood friends just lost her husband to cancer yesterday, and frankly, I feel like a tool bag complaining when I am at least living, breathing and HERE on this earth, even if I am suffering a tad....At least I am here...I am alive...I have my family, and the beauty of nature right out my front door to enjoy...

But I cant help but feel SLIGHTLY weary after all the tests, appts, hospitalizations etc, and NO real answers, other than "here take this medication that might kill you, or give you enough side effects to want to die"....Something has to give with all this medical crap...and SOON....

The other part of my funk is...I cant seem to shake the grief of losing our babies...We lost SO many....It almost seems surreal looking back on it....No matter how I try, the funk remains....There are not even any "should be due dates" coming up....But still... each baby picture ( that was born around  the time one of our angels would have been) and preg announcement that comes through my news feed, e mail or blog post just hits me harder...reminding me of the loss of our babies, the loss of my health and the loss of a lot of my FAITH....I could "take an online break" but it wont stop the aching in me...God hasn't even been able to penetrate that part of my soul....The sadness, anger, and frustration that , we never got another rainbow, after trying for so long, and investing so much time and money, and only to have had loss, after loss,after loss, after loss....and the fact that we most likely never will get another chance, even at my "young age",  especially with all the health issues I am having HURTS....Part of me wonders if all those losses, and the immune connection with them may have triggered this...I may be contacting DR Braverman to see if I can do a bit of testing through him to determine if what I am dealing with is a result of the pregnancy losses, and the immune fire storm that was started as a result of those...But of course, that costs more MONEY, that I don't have right now....Mostly due to wasting it on futile attempts to get that rainbow baby that will never be...If I wasn't such a FIGHTER, id have given up ages ago...But the fighter in me got me wrapped up in "I WILL make this happen", and now, I am suffering the consequences, in so many ways....Financially, spiritually, emotionally,and physically.... 

I am TRYING to just "be still" as God says...Its a LOT harder than it sounds....Trust me...

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Getting settled...

We finally got a house! (not that I didnt LOVE spending time with my parents while we waited to get our own place, but ya know, living with your parents in your 30's even if it is short term just feels NOT right!)

 4 bed 2 full bath- ( MUCH cheaper and bigger than the house we had in NY)  Moved in over the weekend...Still have to pick up some odds and ends,( wall hangings, decorations) and dining room furniture, and more bedroom stuff for our master, and a few more living room things, but we are pretty much set...Its been a rough few days for my physically getting things done, but with the help of some kick butt medications, I made it! LOL....I don't have much more to say other than, I love where we are living, and am excited about the new chapter in our lives! Here are some pics of the house (sorry for the poor quality, between my shakes, and just not caring cause of exhaustion, they are not the greatest)...Place needs some work, but you get the picture :)





 master bed with like nothing in it..LOL...


My walk in closet! yay! :)





View from front porch :) Can see LA on a clear day/night :)
                                                      quiet neighborhood :)











This is my new "workout" program...the stair master...LOL...42 steps up to porch...:) BUT once you get up its like a birds nest all set away and peaceful!

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Skin biopsy results, and Oncology consult- Plus beach pics!

I have good news about the skin biopsy!(finally good , definitive news!!)  It was totally neg for melanoma! whew!! what a relief! Just another thing to cross off the list of worries! :)

Today I met with the Oncologist about my swelling lymps , elevated RBC and WBC counts etc, and bone pain...He does not suspect lymphoma, in regards to the swelling, but rather , probable auto immune causes...He did however run a slew of other tests...15 vials of blood (still nothing compared the the 36 vials I did for the reproductive immunology testing last year, but still!) looking for viral, bacterial and fungal issues as well as leukemia stuff...He ordered some detailed X rays of my lower legs, and also a contrast CT from the neck down ( appt for that TBT, waiting on hospital to schedule that)...I follow up with him in 3 weeks to go over all results....He seemed like a great DR, listened well, and genuinely seemed concerned, yet at the same time,  perplexed at my situation, which is good and bad...Good, cause he has interest in solving it, but bad because there seems to be no quick or easy fix or even a reason behind it YET.... He also gave me some different med's (ultram) to control pain that are not as whacky as hydro's.

Some frustrating news on the Neurology appt...The DR had an emergency and had to reschedule me (and a bunch of other patients) from aug 11th to the 15th...so Not too far off, but still, I wanted to see what he had to say about the 150+ images i have on my brain, and the EEG stuff...I got my records released from Hospital stay on July 17th/18th, and got the imagining discs too...There is a bunch of mumbo jumo I don't understand in the reports, but I did scan through my images and thought it was neat to get a limpet inside my head so to speak! Here are a few pics...






















NO idea what any of this means...But the pics are detailed and neat to see!!....so I am anxious to meet with this neuro on the15th...The meds I am on for seizure activity seem to be working and the side effects seem to have leveled out, I do have a few days here and there where I just do NOT feel "myself" but at this point, I have been feeling "off" for so long not sure what normal or "myself" even is these days....

Oh and I have what appears to be a possible goiter on my thyroid ( which they failed to mention to me in hospital, read it in reports) so I am glad I have an appt with the Endo on Aug 14th, to go over all that jazz now too...

Still trying to get into seeing a rheumatologist sooner than January! Thats way to far, especially if ALL of this is auto immune in nature, and everything else comes back clear...I may even bit the bullet and see if Braverman can run a few immune panel labs on me before hand to get an idea of what is going on.....

Other that, trying to enjoy the last few days before the hubbs goes back to work, (sad face: I have lived having him around so much!) and we get a place of our own and start the moving fiasco soon ... (waiting on  some news back from a  possible rental we are interested in, that is close to my mom, so she can drive me to appts etc, since I will be banned for at least 6 months from driving due to the seizures)...

We did manage in between all the craziness and DR appts,  to finally make it to the beach (Huntington beach, CA) for a day (Hannah's loss date, it was so therapeutic for me)....Here are a few snap shots from that....What a great, but exhausting day! I LOVE the ocean!! SOOOOO glad to be back where it is only a short drive to heaven on earth! :) 







































I want to thank each and every one of you have been praying, it means so much to me...I feel so weary, sometimes it hard for me to pray and I need the reinforcement from those who are strong than I at the moment....I am  also sooooo thankful that we  have found a church body that we seem to have seamlessly "fit into"  ....The people are REAL, authentic, and caring, and at the same time, are not too pushy to get us "involved" ...They recognize our battles, past hurts and are letting us take our time, and praying diligently for us as a family......As well as having my MOM close by to talk, vent, and cry to... There have been a lot of blessings, even though, some days, it feels more like a onslaught of fighting an unending battle of road blocks...Moment my moment, I keep reminding myself...


That's really about "it" for now...
Prayers we find the RIGHT house in the RIGHT location and for the RIGHT price are appreciated....
:)

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Follow up with primary and skin biopsy

Yesterday I had my follow up with my Primary DR about the hospitalization a couple weeks back- we went over the new meds, and confirmed the upcoming appointments for Oncology and Neurology (August 7th and 11th) And made sure I go get my OWN set of records and imaging to have on hand for those appts, even though they should be forwarded, he suggested I keep some for my own benefit....While I was there, I had him look at a "spot" on my leg that had grown in size, shape, irregularity, and changed colors from brown to black/red and raised as opposed to flat,  in a matter of a couple weeks.... He biopsied it on the spot with a punch hole thing...Unfortunately, it was not so easy to come off, and they needed to grab a scalpel and forceps to finish it all and get stuff needed for sample..Ouch.....Should have results in a couple weeks for skin biopsy, and should have more info on lots of things, like the bone pain and swollen lymphs and such, maybe even an idea of the cause of seizures (but most likely hereditary in nature) by mid august....In the meantime, I need to keep calling rhumetology (joint pain and elevated ANA to try and get a sooner appt, cancellation anything...January is sooo  LONG to wait...ugh

Still adjusting to the seizure meds, but it seems like it has slowed them down a great deal...I am still having a few rough times a week, today is one of those days....glad the meds are helping, But in the process, they have also ramped up my emotional radar a tad as well...Finding it harder to deal with emotional triggers (Like our angelversary for Hannah Marie who passed august 5th 2008- and the many other pregnancy losses)....But things could be worse...Right? day by day, moment by moment, I am making it through....Trying to find joy in whatever I can...whenever I can....

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Some answers, after an ambulance ride...

Since my last post, a LOT has taken place... A LOT!

Bare with me on this post, as I am now on some very heavy and crazy medications that give me the loopies as side effects, not to mention the weakness/numbness on my predominant side, makes it hard to coordinate while typing..I am also a bit foggy about what happened and when due to  the nature of the issues I am facing right now....

Wednesday, July 16th, I felt a little "off" all day, but nothing I could pin point. It was really seeming to be NO biggie, Just some brain fog and of course the numbness etc...We just hung around the house a little anyway and had no real place to be, so no harm done...I spent the afternoon making phone calls trying to get into see a different Neurologist  a bit quicker...No progress there...Wait times for all specialists are just ridiculous!...Anyway, we had dinner, and a relaxing evening with the family...Out the kids to  bed, and then...It happened...about 10 PM....

I sat on the bed, to check a check a few e mails, checking FB etc, and from there, about 45 minutes lapsed where I was unable to remember what happened, and was unresponsive. My husband explained to me, that I got up, (what I think was to go to the bathroom), fell over on the bed slightly (which inst all that abnormal due to joint and bone pain) and then, kind of "zoned out"...I sat there,eyes glazed over, but open wide, and was unable to speak or answer questions...He thought I might have been teasing him. But after a few minutes it was clear I was not "OK" and things were wrong...He ran and got my mom who proceeded to call 911...

While they were waiting for EMS team to show up, My husband kept shouting for me to look at him and stay awake...I remember that slightly...Then before I know it, I see 8 or 9 fire and /EMS workers in my bedroom, (as well as the looks of terror on my husband, mom and step fathers face, luckily the kids were sleeping!) as they hooked me up to EKG monitors etc, then I go blank again, and just barely remember getting to the hospital , (St. Bernardine , since Loma Linda had 9 ambulances waiting to unload, we went to a closer less busy one) and needing to pee SOOOOO bad...The bathrooms were full, NO nurses to be seen, NO bed pans (yuck anyway!, but I was desperate!) and I had to GO! I think the adrenaline of that woke me up out of the episode enough to wonder, what the HECK was going on! It all seemed like a nightmare I didn't even have full recollection of...I arrived at hospital at 11:30 pm.

I sat there for hours, with NO medical attention, NO IV fluids and NO monitoring on heart, pule, OX etc...Finally they let the husband come back and once he began to ask for things, they finally started to do hourly vitals, and order the tests...

From there, things went downhill, as my husband tried to explain what had happened and that we had been in the ER two nights before at LLMC, and explained that they did a set of tests already that did not show any results, and perhaps some other testing would be needed. That request was NOT welcomed by ER staff.  we "let it go"and  let them REDO all the same tests I had Monday night, and of course, they came back "fine"...I was approached on my way back from imaging, by a wonderful CT tech who will go unnamed for his protection, who said I REALLY needed to push for and MRI, and that ER staff doesnt "like" to do those sort of things and will put up a fight, but they CAN do them....

From there, I decided to log on to FB now that I was awake enough to read and comprehend a bit better, and asked a group of ladies ( who have a wide variety of chronic health issues and have run the gamut with less than stellar DR's and hospital staff., a lot with medical training themselves as well) what our next steps were, what tests to ask for etc...After a few posts back and forth explaining symptoms and what tests had already been done, we came to the conclusion an MRI was needed along with a EEG...

Before I could even ask for further testing, the nurse AND ER doctor came back to talk and said they would be releasing me, since  my labs , chest X ray and CT were fine...He went on to further say, " I believe you are stressed and you may need to talk to a counselor about some of the things I am experiencing since It seems ore emotional in  nature" .........I sat there stunned, and unable to even respond....All I could think was......Are you kidding me! I am partially paralyzed on one side, with numbness and tingling, High blood pressure, and was unresponsive and brought my ambulance!??

My husband pipped up and said, NO this is NOT psychosomatic or emotional in nature, there is something wrong  with my wife, I saw her eyes roll back in hear freaking HEAD dude!..YOU are GOING to do an MRI, I am NOT leaving until you do...The ER DR huffed and puffed about having to wake up the MRI tec to do her job, and stomped off...Meanwhile nurse comes back to draw blood with a nasty attitude, and I am pretty sure she blew out 3 of my veins on PURPOSE while trying to get another blood sample, and not once apologized or spoke a word to me...Off she goes...

We can hear them in the distance talking about us, and through the whole night, they had been making fun of other patients in the ER, loud enough that the entire floor could hear them! They violated so many HIPPA regs I cant even count them all, honestly! Not to mention, they give out narcotics like candy...Literally, 35 people came in with non emergent cases, got a handful of norcos' and was sent out the door, like clock work!  remember I could hear just about everything around me....Oh and lets not forget the "fun" they had making fun of a lady who defficated on herself...They laughed and called her "poopy pants" for hours...It was SICK and SAD! By then, I knew we were in for a fight to get proper medical care..

I DO understand ER dr's have a rough go, dealing with some pretty nasty people, drug seekers, homeless etc...But it was apparent I was an urgent case, and was neglected severely, while they handed over morphine and norco's to everyone else that walked in the building with the sniffles...

The nurse and DR come waltzing back in, with smug faces, saying the MRI would be done soon...I politely asked about water or IV fluids,  was ignored, then asked about an EEG, and she snapped back "The doctor is doing you a favor as it is with the MRI, dont push your luck, you don't even need an MRI as it is! it will come back clear and you are going HOME"...I fired back..."A favor?? how is doing your JOB a favor!? This is MY LIFE!!, I didn't come in with the effing sniffles lady!, I have NO asked for narcotic drugs, I am not a drug seeker, I CAME IN ON AN AMBULANCE!" ...She swiftly exited the curtained area, and proceeded to call me some choice names to another nurse, knowing I could darn well hear them...

MRI tech gets there about 5 am Friday...Still, NO water, no IV fluids, and no vitals done since 1 am....I take the long walk (well, I laid in a roll away bed) with the MRI tech who was honestly sweet as pie and was not even miffed at having to wake up and come in for my test, she treated me with respect and dignity... The test was LOUD and LONG...But before ya know it, I was being wheeled back in my hospital stretcher.

Upon my arrival back to the ER dept, I saw a machine set up next to my bedside area , where I was informed by the same snotty nurse, that the neurologist they called to review the MRI, requested a EEG be done...I almost laughed out loud...The test I requested be done hours before (which would have given more accurate results if done earlier) ...From that point on, neither my husband nor I saw the ER doc or the nurse...It was about shift change anyway (7am)...They didnt even tell us we were being admitted at that point, and the decision was made by nero the same time she requested they do the EEG...The next nurse who came in informed us we were being admitted...It was a relief, but scary too, since no one told us the outcome of the MRI....

The Neuro tech come over and began the EEG...Lots of goopy sticky things being stuck all over my head...(pic courtesy of my husband who felt accomplished at getting the tests we fought so hard for, and of course for giggles, cause I did look pretty silly! lol, trying to lighten up my mood)


The EEG lasted about 30 minutes, and from there, we waited for admitting to get us to a room on the 6th floor, and then wait for the neurologist to come do rounds at the hospital to go over the results of MRI and EEG....More waiting, but at least, the staff on floor 6...AMAZING!!! I cannot even begin to tell you, how kind they were! They made the ER department seem like a torture chamber in comparison!

11am Thursday, The Neuro comes in, and starts off by saying my MRI looked OK, but it should have been a contrast MRI, so may need a repeat....Then went on to talk about the EEG...Apparently, I have been having seizures! Not the typical ones, like grand mal etc...But, I was having them...She had no idea how strong the one I had earlier the night before was, due to the delay in getting EEG done, but even on the 30 min one they did, I was having mini seizures every 3 minutes with NO outward  symptoms....That was a bit shocking to me...I figured they might have seen something if I ever had another episode, but I had NO idea they were going on without my knowledge on a constant basis! It was affecting the part of the brain that controlled my right side, and a few others that deal with memory and speech etc...I was SO tired by that point all I could really comprehend was  SEIZURES!? Status epileptic-us  seizures,  myoclonic  seizures and absent seizures.

She said they would be starting me on Keppera, and ativan and I need a follow up appt with a contrast MRI, and evaluational of how the meds are doing...She also said they would be keeping me over nght again, to observe and see how things go...The rest o the stay was uneventful...Actually pretty relaxing, compared to the night before...The meds they gave me helped me to zonk out and sleep....Poor husband slept in that uncomfy chair that  leaves a crick in the neck, but was a trooper. I was sooo blessed to have him by my side...



The next day came fast, and I was visited by physical and occupational therapy , given some tools to build strength back in my right side...The visited by neuro again, and she explained due to the nature of my seizures they would be reporting me to DMV soon and I will be unable to drive/be licensed safely...It could only be 6 months, could be longer...That was the least of my worries at that moment, but was still hard to hear....She also explained they do not know WHY I am having the seizures, but suspects it may be auto immune triggered based on the other issues I am having with my immune system...So of course follow up with rhumeaologist which I was set to do anyway, and the oncologist for the strange bone pain...Other than that, I was free to go, but need to have someone with me at all times for a while, as i adjust to the medications...

Here is some INFO on KEPPRA and ATIVAN -
Ill just start by saying the side effects are ROUGH! But hopefully will be worth it in the end!

Finally around 1p, Friday afternoon, we were discharged from the hospital, and hubby drove home to meet the parents and my kids who were ecstatic to see me...Since then, its been kind of a blurr...The meds have set in more and I am finding myself exhausted! I can hardly finish 3 paragraphs of this update before passing out for a nap! Yikes!!


So...Basically we have SOME  answers finally! Still have a bit more to figure out in this crazy body of mine, but slowly and surely we will GET THERE....One day, we will Get to the place where there are no more "unknowns", or at least not as MANY!

Next appt is August 7th with Oncology for bone pain, follow up with Neuro on the 11th, then hopefully get my Rhum appt moved up from January, since my ANA keeps rising for SLE etc...Which could have something to do with the seizures etc...All in all, it was a productive week, one I would however, never EVER  like  to revisit again!

On another note...I have spoken to both hospital administrators and will be reporting them to DOH and Joint commission....They will feel my wrath, and hopefully, procedural changes will be made to how they treat people when instances like this arise and the "basic" tests they do comeback normal, yet patient is still not OKAY by any means...The kind of seizures I was having, point black could have KILLED me neuro even said it herself)  had I been left untreated much longer, and it is a tragedy that in this say in age in one of the most wealthy countries there are things like this happening, and some are not so lucky to survive to tell their story or make reports that WILL make a difference...Thankfully my husband and I, STOOD UP and made sure they didn't brush us off again, so I could just go home and DIE...

Tonight, I am thankful for my LIFE, my family, friends, both near and far, and just everything....
as crazy at is sounds, even still, i am struggling with the loss of our babies and the even more impending complexities that could surround us if we EVER tired for another, baring we actually had the money to treat all the other issues that surround that autoimmune/alloimmune preg loss...Now we would have to contend with seizure stuff etc...Its just so unfair, no matter how hard I try, each further medical issue that comes up, keep me further away from EVER being able to try again,and reminds me daily it wont ever happen... and it KILLS me....even knowing my life was at stake, id give anything to give birth to LIFE again...That probably wont ever happen...EVER again..

...For now, I'm trying to focus on the BIG kids ( they are not even close to babies anymore, sadly) and love them the best I can, even though my heart aches for so many reasons right now...Some for the babies that should be here, some for those ill never have again, and mostly because of the failure I am as a mother right now....

I have so much more to say, but this is a novel in itself...so I am signing off for tonight...

Thursday, July 3, 2014

So much to say...NO energy to get it out....

SO much has happened in the last week, I cannot even begin to describe...The Way God has saw us through every single moment of this move/transition...Simply miraculous...

I plan on TRYING to catch up a little here....

Here is a LINK to my other blog that has tons of pics etc from the cross country drive to CA....
http://megzzramblings.blogspot.com

Other than that, nothing to report, just lots of registering, DMV stuff, school enrollments, and DR appts to go to over the next few weeks...Hoping to have a kick butt 4th of July on Lake Arrowhead, (my mom and I will be singing) ...Here is a little snippet of what we do, we didn't even practice, and I had already had a 21 oz stella...LOL...Def going to practice if I can, the meds they have me on for pain make me loopy as heck...:(







Sunday, June 22, 2014

Trip to Cali -

Those wishing to follow our trip / move from NY to CA I have a link below where I am trying to update as we go along :) 


http://megzzramblings.blogspot.com/2014/06/630-miles.html

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Last day....

Last day here in NY ... I'm pretty much lost for words ...



We leave tomorrow at o dark thirty ...