Saturday, March 29, 2014

Cmon spring!

It has been SO uber cold here, that I have had to resort to using the fake sun to get some vitamin D!
OMG, it felt AMAZING!
 
Aside  of wishing for warmer weather, we have been waiting on pins and needles for details on the transfer and new position. The are taking FOR EVEAH to work out the details- I hope and pray it will all pay off, this waiting and being patient crap.
 
The house....well, we are working out details of an incoming offer this weekend, and hope to be able to "accept" it soon! That will be a HUGE step in the right direction in regards to this move etc, so prays for a smooth transaction would be appreciated!
 
 
I do have a LITTLE bit of exciting news...
 
 
wanna know what it is??..........................................
 
OK, ok......
 
 
 
 
 
My tuition for Stillbirthday University's bereavement doula training program is PAID IN FULL, and I start classes in JULY!! That is exciting! I am also sort of nervous, as I know this will dig up a great deal of my own grief, and cause me to  move past it, and learn how to USE it to help others...This requires a LOT of self examination, and that gets tiresome, and uncomfortable, especially if you are really, authentically putting all you have into what you are doing...I think this is what I need in this new season. I do NOT think I am ready to start being a doula for loss mommies, but I am ready to start the training...You have to start somewhere, sometime....
 
OK, moving along...
 
  In all of our efforts to be super ready when move day comes, I have packed a few more things, and in doing so, stumbled upon a drawer that contained a few items that sent me down memory lane...
 
I found a envelope with ALL my paper work...Tests, consent forms etc. from all our surgeries, procedure and crazy meds...I also found a bag full of needles I stashed away to bring back, but had no room in my sharps containers, but when I returned the containers I had forgotten about this last bit of needles....Seeing it all sent me back to cycling...
 
As horrible as it was dealing with side effects and the cost of treatments, I MISS the HOPE we had...The day dreaming I would let myself do about our baby, and such...I don't let myself go there anymore, so seeing those things that represented a time in our lives when there was hope, at least more than there is now, is kind of sad, in comparison to where we are now...Oh how I WISH I could keep HOPE nestled deep in my soul,. But the  more than 15 losses and heart wrenching experiences we have endured echo in my head, and  scream in the distance "YA RIGHT!"...I hear the words of 3 different DR's ...."less than one % chance of carrying to term"....NO, not getting pregnant, because that we CAN do, but carry to term, well that's another story....Oh how I was not reminded every day at the brokenness of my body...If its not unrelenting facebook posts, its little things that jump out of my drawers when I least want it to, and send me back, thinking, wishing...wishing we could HOPE.
 
Anyway, that's about it...Hopefully next time I post, I have dates for our trip to relocate to CA ( from NY) ...Oh yea, we decided to DRIVE ....lol...I might be mildly insane..;)

 

Sunday, March 16, 2014

“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.” 
― C.S. LewisA Grief Observed

Saturday, March 15, 2014

5+ days...

Into my 21 day Beachbody challenge, and despite having to deal with another chemical preg (I have stopped counting how many we have had- we have been NTNP/ AKA, doing a terrible job avoiding) which resulted in a KILLER AF this week,  but none the less, I am feeling great physically! I dont think I have lost anything weight wise,( I'll measure and do weight next week) but I am feeling much more flexible, and stronger (now that the soreness has started to ease). I have been making MUCH better eating choices too...Here is my Dinner from tonight-
Doesn't look so great, but it was YUMMY! Spaghetti squash ( baked first to cook) mushrooms and garlic sauteed in a dash of olive oil, then mixed with squash, and a dash of fresh grated parmesan cheese on top.  The squash, and mushrooms, with a pepper mix is also delish with a low fat alfredo sauce as a replacement for pasta! 

My fave thing that I have added to my routine with this program? The SHAKEOLOGY! OMG, YUMMY!!  SO many great things you can do with it! AND, I got the hubbs on board! He has been doing the shakes with me and has noticed a significant increase in energy without needing any additional caffeine etc...

Check out this recipe for protein bars... OMG, just made some, and the fam is over the moon for them, and the help with that sweet tooth!

I will probably go right into another 21 days if this, once this challenge is over...I would LOVE to be 20 lbs lighter by summer! Even if I don't lose a ton of weight, I can feel the changes in my muscles, which is good! I have not been able to maintain a workout program before now, due to the neurocardiogenic issues, which back then, I had NO idea what was going on...But since the DX, and the addition of the beta blockers, I am able to work out, every, single day, and not feel dead after!

I wish I  could say that emotionally I am ok...This week has been HELL for so many, many reasons. ( not even counting the chemical, though Im sure hormones contributed) I dont even want to try and go over them, there are just so many...I am however, thankful that I am able to keep going, doing the things I need to do physically, and stay motivated, even when I am literally HURTING in my soul throughout the day...It does seem to come at the most inopportune times, unfortunately. I am still standing though....Still breathing, living, loving and trying to laugh a little when I feel the light...:)

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Shameless selfie...


LOVING my Younique 3D Fiberlashes...
And apparently so does everyone else! They are selling out like crazy! Get those pre- orders in!!








Thursday, March 6, 2014

That dreaded appointment...

You know...THAT appointment...The one where you go and sit in a room FULL of pregnant bellies, and babies in infant car seats, and toddlers running a muck...The one where you have to spead eagle, and get your crotch poked, prodded and scraped...Yes...The ANNUAL OB appt...ugh....Tomorrow, I have to face it, even though id rather being doing anything other than that!...

I have always hated OB appts, especially the yearly...Ick...But now, I realllllyyyyy HATE them...Ever since the day we found out our Hannah had passed, and I had to walk back through a room full of happy pregnant women, with a dead baby in me...It just send me to a dark place every time I go back, as if I am re living it again., and again, and again....But more than that, this time, I am dreading having to re hash out everything, and do a quick recap for my OB who has not been in "the loop"...

Most of my care in the last 3+ years has been through my RE, so I only saw my OB  a couple times, and last was 2 years ago for a pap...Back then I was suspect of immune issues, but had not been able to get testing to show it...He scoffed at my new found info, saying that was "hocus pocus"...Since then, I have dreaded going back...Even more so now, that we are NOT trying, and I am going to have to go over my "history" for the last 2 years...The losses,  including the tubal removal surgery etc...Just talking about it bring it all back up for me...I find writing about it it not nearly emotion as actually SPEAKING out the crazy ass things we have endured. It is almost as if it brings it back to life in my head again.

Can I fast forward and skip to Saturday, please?? At the very least, Id like to get through tomorrow without bawling my eyes out...