Thursday, January 31, 2013

All set!

I called reprosource and touched bases with them about the labs. They are sending over my kit of tubes to the RE office, (some of the tubes need to be one dry ice etc) and I have an appt set for Wed morning at 9:30 am, for blood work. I had to change the date to wed, instead of doing it when ever my CD 3 labs fell, because DH needs to be off works, and needs to be with me, to have a few vials drawn of his blood as well for some of the tests. I believe she said 6 vials? Anyway, while he is there, we are just going to do a sperm analysis while we are at it, and see where that stands...

I am waiting to hear back from a lady at reprosource about my insurance and what will be covered and not covered etc...Hopefully in the next day or so, I have confirmation about some of that. But for now, we are on our way to full on immune testing! I really hope this sheds some new light into my situation, and gives us a better shot at a plan for the future...

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Testing

 Just got off the phone with my RE....They are willing to do all immune testing I need through reprosource!!

  In the past, they ( my local RE office)  were unwilling to do the tests and what not, because they "did not know how to read them"...I was like whatever, and I just let it go, since they offered me intralipids/pred,  without testing....  But, This time, I did not ASK, I stated, and I explained I am going to be seeing Braverman soon, (in light of the last two failed intralipid cycles), but would like the blood work done for the immune panel, so that I have results for my first appt with him,( Braverman) instead of having to go to my first appt, then get the RX for the labs, have to wait 6 weeks, THEN make another appt to go over results...They totally said YES, and will be doing whatever tests they can do in the office lab, and sending the rest of the samples out to reprosource for me! 

This is a good step for me...Although, I do have known immune issues, (Hashimoto's disease etc), I have yet to have the FULL panel drawn on me to really get a BIG picture of what is going on with the immune system and my losses.  I held off on the testing a bit, because my RE was willing to treat my immune/loss issues empirically, with the use of prednisone/intralipids/lovenox etc, and I just assumed  it would WORK, and we would not even need to see Braverman for the battery of tests because we would be pregnant with a keeper....But, that is the way to cookie crumbles I guess....

I am walking into this, knowing, that  if my issues are more advanced than we had thought/are thinking, I know that our ability to actually carry out any treatments for said issues will be limited due to financial strain. But, I really just want to KNOW for sure, what is going on, and what is available to help it, outside of what we have already tried. I want to have a game plan, even if we wont be able to put it in action for a time, while we save if need be. I want to know what I can do naturally, and to specifically target the things that need to be addressed in ME, personally, with diet and supps, and lifestyle change if need be. 

So, as of now, I am waiting on my period to show, and then on cycle day 3, I will go in for a baseline hormone panel, and the rest of the immune testing, that will eventually be sent over to Dr. B so we can get things moving with an appt in NYC.

Here is a list of the tests that will be done for the immune testing.

1.       Natural Killer Assay
2.       HLA-DQ alpha
3.       CD3 (Pan T cells)
4.       CD3- (T -helper cells)
5.       CD8 (T-cytotoxic supressors)
6.       CD19 (B cells)
7.       CD56/CD 16 + NK cells
8.       CD 56+ NK cells
9.       CD3/IL-2R+ cells
10.   CD19+/5+ (B-1 cells)
11.   ANA
12.   Anti DNA/histone antibodies
13.   APA
14.   Th1/Th2
15.   TNF-a  IL 10- ( CD3+CD4+)
16.   IFN-g IL10- ( CD3+CD4+)
17.   Anti thyroid antibodies
18.   Leukocyte antibody detection
19.   LAC

I am not sure what will come of all of this, but I am at least putting one foot in front of the other, and carrying on...No giving up here...

What now?

What on earth do we do now?

I have been asking myself this same question, over, and over, and over again...

This is the second failed immune cycle in a row...We have very little (Maybe None?) options left...Even If I still go see Braverman, the only other protocols I have left are too expensive for me to do every two weeks, cycle after cycle.....The intralipids and steroids/fertility meds/lovenox/extra progesterone etc, were kind of our last ditch effort (And while cheaper, def still adds up after all is said and done) at a keeper with immune meds.  Any of the other more invasive/intensive treatments cost a LOT more money we do not have since our insurance covers NOTHING. We have depleted our savings paying for surgeries and testing and meds as it is for the last 2 years, I cannot keep pouring it out and taking away (financially) from the kids I already have, and stressing all the time, about money for months on end...Our tax return is going towards paying off past medical bill debt, and a fixing our second ( bucket) car...ugh.. ....Not to mention, even IF we could afford it, I was informed the other day, that we cannot even do a cycle of intralipids again, till God knows when, because intralipids are on national back order!!?? No one knows when it will be available again either....It seems like Soooooo MUCH is against us right now....

But yet, I cannot bring myself to give up either...How on earth do I even have the drive to keep going through this? I honestly, am not sure...I just know the desire for another baby is stronger than the fear of more losses...I know that I still have a chance, all be it, a VERY small one, every month, at a take home baby, and I just don't know how to walk away from that...But I know, I cannot keep trying like we have been...Physically, emotionally, financially... I cannot do it.

I guess, I didn't (foolishly) prepare myself for the reality that the immune meds may not work, and we could be back at square one...I really did believe it would work, and we would have a baby...I didn't want to think about "what if" it didn't work...I should have learned. I did the same thing to myself walking into this journey, 2 years ago, thinking it would be easy this time around...But it has been anything BUT easy...

So, I really don't know what to do next...I don't really have a plan. I am just trying to make it through...Trying to not be angry...Trying to not hurt so bad I feel like dying....Trying to breathe.... Trying to just "be"....



Monday, January 28, 2013

That was fast...

I got my results....

Beta was 3 (technically neg if it is under 5, but my "personal" baseline is always less than 1 on every baseline draw)..RE nurse said it was likely a chemical, as the trigger would not have been in my system this long, and my tests were positive the last couple days, (progressed well from 10dpo- 11 dpo) though, I will say, yesterday (12dpo) it did start to get lighter, I was hoping and praying it was just urine concentration, but I knew in my heart....Anyway, I am to call in with my period for CD 3 labs just to be sure everything goes to baseline totally, and my E2 does not stay elevated from a lingering corpus luteum, throwing off the next cycle...:ugh:

I was really hoping to meet my Feb angel baby EDD with a BFP, but it looks like I will be drowning in wine and dealing with a visit from AF...
=(

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Yay!!!!!!

OK- so yesterday I was getting lines, on cheapie tests, and a  suuupppperr squinter on a answer early result....I just held my excitement at bay till I could really figure out if it was the trigger or not...

Well today I can tell you, that it is a BFP for sure!!!

Ok, so here is yesterday's (10 dpo) answer test ( just like FRER) you cant even really see a line, though I swear there was one...Just it was soooooooo light...


Here is today's FRER ( below) -11dpo



Here is the same test, just not edited-

I am feeling over the moon excited, and just really happy!!! I think this may be our keeper!!!


Thursday, January 24, 2013

Curse you mail man!

UGH- I have been waiting on pins and needles alllllllllllll darn day for my tests to get here that I ordered on Ebay, (the cassette tests, I posted a pic of, they rock and are wayyyy more sensitive than even first response) in the mail...Tracking number said it would be here...Mail came and went...No tests....=/

I have tested a few times today with various tests, and have been seeing squinter's/light lines, ( suuuppper faint line on first response this morning) but nothing definitive that I would call progression ( compared to yesterday)...BUT then again I have not been staying consistent with testing times/test brands either ( I did for the trigger, I tested morning noon and night, just to see if concentration differed, but I have been just peeing at random times since the trigger "left") And I don't have any more of the tests I had picked up the "surge" in darkness with till I get my shipment tomorrow...grrrrr....

...I really wanted a blaring bright pink line today, even though I know the chances of that are slim at 9 dpo...LOL...I just hate limbo...BUT, I do it to myself testing early, and testing out a trigger... I have no one to blame but myself.....

So for those of you are are wondering how goes it..

I am hanging in there...Not really sure If I am going to call this a BFP yet...I may even take the + tests off  my chart, just till I know for sure...I would hate to think this was the trigger just messing with me and I got excited for nothing.....Either way, I am putting away the pee sticks, at least for today, and trying to focus on something else...Hopefully tomorrow I will see a clearer picture of what is going on...

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Ok...I may be on to something....

I am scared to even get a little excited.... I want to be elated right now...I do...But all I can think of are the "what if's"....I am going to try and stay as positive as possible, and keep saying over and over..."My body WILL carry this baby to term, I will have a take home baby!"

Here is a pic ( below) of the dried test progression


Tuesday, January 22, 2013

7 dpo...

Just over half way through the TWW...

I am going craaazzzzyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!

So I thought the trigger was gone, but curiosity got the best of me and I tested last night just to "see" what was going on...And I got a line that was slightly darker than the last test I did for testing out my trigger...I got a bit excited...Woke up this morning, and still saw a squinter, but nothing definitive or darker...Pretty sure it is just the trigger being silly...That is what I get for giving in to the POAS madness...LOL...Of course NOW, I will "have" to test later today just to "see" again, and be consistent with testing times, since the slightly darker test yesterday was done in the evening...Oh lord help me...Why do I do this to myself...=/

Chart is still looking great...I had a tiny dip today, but nothing major, I think it was due to the secondary estrogen surge, cause I also felt pretty wet in there when I did my CP/CM check...So that could account for the little temp dip.

I am feeling a little "blue" today, for no real reason...I mean, I know we have some great chances and all, and yesterday I was like totally elated and sure that we would catch a eggy, and today, I woke up in this "ehh, whatever, why get excited" kinda mood...Bleh, I hate being so back and forth emotionally! I am going to try reallllllyyyy HARD to break out of the blues, and keep thinking positive...

**I declare that I am PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)  And I WILL get a take home baby this cycle!!!**

Ok, so not quite feeling positve yet...

*repeats the above declaration*

Ok...A little better...::sigh::

Is is 12 dpo yet!??

LOL


Monday, January 21, 2013

Ohhh yea!!!!

My chart is just so freaking pretty....Every time I log into FF and peek at it, I just smile...Silly, I know...
But seriously ?...Look at this!

Seeing those temps makes me wanna POAS sooooo BAD! I have a feeling I wont make it to 10/11 dpo to test...LOL...

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Trigger is gone!

I took my tests this morning and my Wondfo strips were neg this morning ( at 7 days past trigger)! Yay! So looks like from here on out I can take a break from the testing and just relax and wait for the real thing to come back!!

I am feeling great about this month! My temps are great, my progesterone is kickin in high gear ( I can tell by the sore boobs and bloating! ick!) and I am just feeling all sorts of hopeful! I even brought out the baby outfit  bought two years ago, that I have had shoved into my dresser, and sat it next to my vision board...Things I totally would not do even just a couple weeks ago...I have to admit I am kind of liking this "hopeful like it is the first cycle trying" mood I have been in....
=)

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Somewhere over the rainbow....

6 days past trig- 4DPO

Woke up this morning to another temp rise...They just keep going up, up, up! I also woke to some intense progesterone symptoms,( nausea, cramping, sore boobs etc) and a sore butt from yesterday's PIO inject. LOL.

I tested this morning to see where the trigger is at, and it is def still there. It is getting lighter and lighter, but it is still hanging out- Hopefully will be gone totally in a couple days, then I can take a break from testing for a day or so, before I go all nutty testing for "real" around 10 DPO. 

Here is a peek at my pretty chart!
=)
Here is a overlay of this cycle and one of my past BFP cycles (one of the more successful ones)
And here is a pic of my trigger progression.
=)




Friday, January 18, 2013

I did it!!!! I did it!!!!

OK- so I picked up my PIO Rx, and have been kind of staring at it for the last half hour...Finally, I got the guts to draw up the oil and prep myself for the inject...I sat a few more mins, looking at the needle (The Pharmacy only had 21 G 1 1/2 needles)...I just sat, and stared at it......Finally, I just said, "screw it"...:Poke:...15 seconds to inject the oil and that was that...It was sooooo NOT bad at all!! I was all worried for nothing! Anyway, just had to share that, for anyone else who may have the "pleasure" of having to give PIO injects...Totally easy! I feel all proud of myself now! LOL

5DPTrig- 3DPO

Just a quick update...

I start my PIO ( progesterone in oil injects) this evening! Eeeekk! I am a little nervous about that BIG huge needle going in my ass...BUT, a girl's gotta do what a girls gotta do!

I have been on my prometrium for the last couple days, and between that and the HCG trigger, I have had some mean "symptoms"... BUT it is all for a good cause ( I hope!)...My temp was up again this morning, and my chart is looking fantastic! And my trigger was a bit lighter again this morning..I would say another two days and I should have totally neg tests...Then we just wait for the REAL thing to show up!...Now, on to more waiting...I wish there was a fast forward button for the TWW!

Thursday, January 17, 2013

4 days past trigger

Just a peek at my test strips...Trigger is leaving nicely! =)

Here is my chart...Got a nice temp spike this morning. Hopefully it keeps going up, up,up!


Wednesday, January 16, 2013

3DPTrigger-1DPO

I am 3 days past my trigger inject, and 1 day past ovulation. I am feeling the effects of progesterone like WHOA this cycle! Last night I passed out at 7pm and slept to 7 am...I am still sleepy! LOL...I have not started PIO yet ( I do those starting Friday)..Yikes!...

Anyway, here is my latest test progression of the trigger leaving my system...The last two tests are both dipped in the same sample. I just wanted to test out one of the Hong Kong mid stream cheapies and  make sure they worked! =)


Monday, January 14, 2013

Worth it all~

I just love this song...I have been singing this in my heart all week...I keep telling myself, all the pain, all the hurt and unanswered questions, will fade away one day....We will have a baby.....And I it will be worth it all...

1dpt

I am one day past trigger...Def feeling it...

I started feeling the bloating/cramping about 3 hours after the inject yesterday...Still very "full" in there this morning... Woke up slightly nauseated, and sleepy..But, nothing too terrible... We BD last night, and we are going to do AM and PM today, and then AM tomorrow just to be sure...Hoping and praying!!

Here is my first trigger test~! I will add progression as the days go...

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Triggered today!

That was easy!

   I sat there and stared at the meds/needles for a few mins...Just kind of nervous...I have triggered before, but the last time it was a prefilled, ovidrel inject. This time, they had me do a 10,000 unit trigger this time, and I had to use the special water, and draw it up, then shoot it in the vial with the HCG powder, swirl around, till it dissolved, then draw that up with the needle, had to make sure all the bubbles were out...
   Then, I took a two inch section of my belly fat, pinched, and stuck myself, injected, and  bam, done! Not as bad as I made it out to be in my head...I was honestly more worried about shooting the meds out or spilling etc...LOL...

3 hours after trigger, I was already getting a faint line on the HPT strip...So, it is  working it's way through my system... Now, we just have to BD as much as we can the next 3 days or so...And pray for the very best!
=)

I am planning on testing out my trigger...I may not do it every day, but I will have a little progression to show in a couple days...Hopefully, it fades out nice and early and then comes back in nice and strong indicating a REAL BFP...Keeping positive, thinking good thoughts, and praying as much as possible! Here we go!

Friday, January 11, 2013

Follow up follicle check-

Well it looks like the other two follicles that were hanging out decided to stall and fizzle out, leaving us with one, nice 17mm follie-  which is FINE by me...as much as I would LOVE twins,  I know my pregnancy would be soooooo high risk it would not even be funny...I really would much rather, a easy, stress free singleton pregnancy- that I could bring home at the end of 10 months! lol....Anyway, Endo was 7.6- Have not gotten my labs back yet, but I got my instructions for the weekend anyway. I will trigger Sun eve, with a 10,000 IU pregnyl HCG inject, to force ovulation.  Then I start my lovenox and progesterone and prednisone- We will BD tonight,( hopefully) Sunday night, Monday night and Tuesday morning. Then all I can do is HOPE and pray and think positive...I want to try and visualize the fertilized egg traveling down the tube, and implanting in the RIGHT place, and then keep concentrating on that- speaking out positive affirmations over my body...Sounds silly, but I will do just about anything...LOL...

Oh, and, I am pretty excited and proud of myself...I have lost a few more lbs (total of 14 in the last 3 weeks) and have totally cut out ALL caffeine and coffee ( even decaf). I have been eating better, exercising, and I am starting to feel the positive effects of doing so....It is GREAT!! I really hope the combo of all the positive changes, and the correct timing of all the meds, brings us to the end result we have been waiting for, for 3 years!

Just for fun, here is a snap shot of all the crap I am taking this cycle ( not including the intralipids- already did that- also forgive my streaky mirror...lol)


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

OUCH!

I guess I did not get off as easy this time... I drank the water, like  I was supposed to, but man O man, this is not letting up...Now I understand what some of the ladies were talking about getting the headaches after the lilpids...
Hopefully this eases soon...Between the headache and ovaries on fire feeling, combined with side effects from the dex, and my thyroid swinging slightly hyper, causing me to feel like a anxious crazy woman, I am a mess! I am supposed to go to a memorial service for a dear friend we lost a couple weeks ago, but I am not sure I will be able to drive...ugh...One step at a time...Going to try and eat something...Maybe that will help.
=)

slight change in plans...

I had my intralipid appt this morning- It went smooth like last time, just chilled out and ate a snack and played on my kindle!  I had them do a PCOS panel, and added basline hormones(FSH,LH,E2, etc) and they did a u/s to see where I am at follicle wise while I was in there...Why not right?...

 Ultrasound showed 3  follices on my right ovary. One at 15mm, one at 13mm and one at 14mm. The left was quiet. I have not heard back on all the blood tests yet, but my E2 was pretty low, could be from femara though...Everything else looked okay...They decided to have me come back Fri, to see where the follies  are at with bloods and u/s.  If all goes well, and follicles mature and E2 goes up accordingly, then we will trigger, sometimes this weekend I am assuming.... Yay!!  What a pleasant surprise! They ordered me a 10,000 iu trigger from a mail order pharm, so I should have it by Friday, and will probably trigger then, or sat, depending on what the tests show...We are giving it all we got this cycle!! I sure hope things work out and I can trigger still even with the lower E2...We will see what Friday brings! =)

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Appt tomorrow

We are all set for a intralipid infusion tomorrow at 8:30 am. I'm feeling a little more hopeful this cycle due to the timing of it all being much better this time around (infusion before ovulation instead of after), and also due to the boost in O from Femara( aka letrozole), which I have not done in a few cycles, due to my CD 3 labs being "off" for so long and O also being timed a bit better instead of sneaking up on me on CD 8 before I had a chance to do anything to get ready! lol......

It feels good to be back in full swing, giving it all we got...I realize the crash and burn may be worse at the end if it does not work out...But, I just have to give everything I can this cycle, and abandon all the fears, and just HOPE...It is a LOT easier said than done...I am going to try though...

We have been doing GREAT with BD every other day! DH is sooooo "on board" this month, it is kind of cute! Even after all this time...=)

Anyway, that is what is going on...Just BD and OPK'ing and more BD and more OPK'ing! LOL...C'mon little eggy ( or eggies?) get ready!!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Better today...

I am feeling a tad better today...Still a bit emotionally exhausted, and physically recovering from the flu I had last week....And, still dealing with side effects from meds...BUT I think things are taking a turn for the better...Whew! Yesterday was really hard for some reason...I could not make sense of it, or stop myself form digging my self deeper in that nasty dark hole of Blah'ness-

Today is a new day! Thank goodness for that!

I have been cleaning, and organizing...It feels good! I love, how after it is all done, and I can sit back and look around at my clean super sparkly house, and just go "ahhhhh...all done!"...It never lasts long...LOL...But it is NICE!

On the TTC side of things:
OPK's are neg...We have been doing well with keeping the every other day BD schedule going...I set my appt for my intralipid infusion for this coming Wed, and have all my meds for after O ready and filled, and set to go...Now we just wait for the eggy to drop! I am guessing around CD 15/16. I hope anyway...

That is it for now...Just trying to make it moment to moment, and survive this cycle!! Lord help me!



Friday, January 4, 2013

::Breathe in, breathe out:::

  I cannot figure out if I am coming or going...I cannot stop sweating, shaking, crying, getting angry at nothing, and being totally irrational and stupid...I feel like a total idiot...I hate the way I feel right now....I hate these meds...I realllllllyyyyyyy hate them, but at the same time, cannot bring myself to NOT take them...I tried that road for so long and got nothing other than more heart break and losses...I hate that it cannot just be easy like It used to be for me, never mind for other people...I have DONE this before...I have carried to term without all this CRAP being pumped into me, but WHY can't I do it again!!?? WHY!?? Why cannot I not just "relax" and have it work out...Why can't I just Pray enough, and have enough "faith" and magically, things will just "work out the way they were meant to".???...Why can't I stay constant in Hoping....Why do I waiver, and flip flop back and forth...

One day, I swear, I believe with all my being, that  we  will get our keeper, then, the next day I am preparing myself to walk away for good without a baby in the end, and find some kind of resolve with it all.....Then, the next, I am angry, and bitter at the crack head standing in line with her 6 kids and food stamp card, wondering why it was so easy for HER when clearly she cannot take care of them at all...The next, I am feeling like a total douche bag for even thinking that way, cause, let's face it, the world is NOT fair, and her life probably sucks worse than mine ( of course, most likely from her own doing, but still)......Sometimes life just sucks, and we go through crappy, terrible things, for no reason at all....Sometimes those  that do not deserve it, get the prize anyway, and those left striving and trying, and working hard get the short end of the stick...I wish I could have this " Life is full of rainbows and butterflies"  mentality  and just be at peace....But I am NOT there...I am hurt...I am angry...I am bitter...I am human...I am hormonal...I am broken...I am just a mess...I still have some HOPE, or i could not keep trying at all, period...But the bad days are starting to over take the good days, despite my "new year resolution" to keep the hope alive....I fail again, not even freaking 4 days later...::sigh:::
=/

A broken mess...Scattered pieces of who I am...

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Trucking along...

Here on CD 7...Two more days of Femara to go! I cannot wait to get this show on the road and start BD! 

We are going to CATCH this eggy (or two?), and it is going to STICK, in the RIGHT PLACE, and we are going to bring HOME a BABY at the end!

  ::channels the positive thinking part of brain and repeats said positive sentence over and over::

OK. Got that off my chest....

Nothing else really going on...Just waiting to hear back from RE office about intralipid infusion appt date, and  a bump in metformin dose. OH, and I also asked for a RX for L-methylfolate  since it canot do anything but HELP me, since it is just vitamins( b6,b12 and folate)  in a more bio available form...we will see what they say...Other than that, just waiting the days out...This is the boring part of my cycle...=/

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year!

   Wow...I cannot believe the year 2012 has come to a close! That was FAST! It feels like it was just yesterday, I was writing a post similar to this, one year ago today....But at the same time, also feels like an eternity...

 Part of me, when I was thinking back about how I felt last year at this time, was grieving that we were still "there" TTC, with  NO keeper, and NO answers at that time for the losses...The other part of me was still filled with HOPE...I was soooo hopeful that the year 2012 would not end the same way 2011 did... 

Yet, here I am, one year later, still no baby.  It is a hard pill to swallow, knowing in a few weeks, the 2 year actively TTC mark will be upon us, and we are not really any closer to a keeper than we were...I mean, ya, we do at least KNOW what my issues are ( Hashimoto's/PCOS/auto immune recurrent pregnancy loss)  and WHY I am losing baby after baby, but the solutions/treatments to those issues, are not cut and dry, and do NOT guarantee a take home baby, not in the slightest...The risks are still  high, the chances of more losses are still higher than a sticky bean...

But, even though another year has gone by,  with more losses than I could have imagined, I STILL have some HOPE left...I just have to believe we did not  come all this way to walk away empty handed! So, as this year begins, I am going to try my best, to let the pain and grief of the last 2 years fade away, and hang on with all I have to that HOPE...I want to keep it safe.....I want to nurture it, and have it grow, so that the HOPE in me, is far greater than the FEAR, pain and grief...This year will be the year of Restoration...This will be the year of break through....This will be the year we get our miracle baby!