Thursday, August 30, 2012

Yup....

Still feeling "out"....

After getting a "maybe line, maybe  a evap" on a wondfo the other day- I have of course been testing like nuts...Nothing but BFN's....Not even a indent or evap to obsess over....Nadda.....Boo! I am 99 % sure this cycle will end with AF showing up like a bat out of hell...Time to stock up on pads, wine, chocolate, chick flicks, and all that fun pity party crap. Forgive me, while I slink away and hide under a rock and some how try and come up for a "plan" for next cycle...

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

I will stay positive!

I will stay positive....I will stay positive...I will stay positive.....I WILL stay Positive....
OK...
I have been trying all day to not get  all depressed and sad....I really have tried...

UGH....
Not sure why- But I feel so "out" already. I know it is wayyyyyyy too early to start counting myself  out- But man- I seriously just "feel" like this cycle is not going to be "the one". I would more than gladly take a surprise, and a sticky bean this month- But I am already kind of preparing myself for AF. Why does this have to be so hard!? This is our first real cycle back TTC and I already feel burned out again.  I hate TTC- I hate that this has been such a hard long road...I hate the hormones and moods, and craziness....I hate that I can't seem to keep that spark of optimism alive and well this time around....Maybe it is just "hormones" that has me all blue and depressed or just my past experiences causing me to be more jaded....who knows...Hopefully tomorrow is better....I am going to veg out tonight  and watch movies and such and try to pass the time- Hopefully I can get rid of this funky mood!


Oh yea- Here is my whacky looking chart!??!!! Not sure what is going on with the temps last couple days!


Sunday, August 26, 2012

Up early-

Reflecting-

I have had a rough week. Emotionally, I am kind of spent. thanks to the hormones. And some other things went down with some good friends of mine and church stuff, which I will not go into- but let's just say it has me in all kinds of knots. I have been focusing on NOT stressing and NOT worrying this week- But it has been trying!

I woke up early today, and for whatever reason cannot seem to  get back to sleep.I have to admit I was slightly excited to see my temp this morning- As it rebounded back up high after yesterday's drop. (see chart below)

Nice right? I Never get "dips" like that in my luteal phase. maybe once or twice in 29 months charting. Of course I  KNOW it could mean NOTHING, I still think it looks freaking good on my chart! LOL

So I stopped analyzing my temps, and drug myself back to "temps mean nothing" reality-  and made a small cup of coffee- and logged on to FB- to see several pics of baby pumps, and videos of bellies moving and  new born pics...Man, It HURTS so bad- sometimes I feel like I actually got hit with a arrow in the chest...I tense up- and feel sharp pains, and  then cringe from having to hold back the flood gates  that keep my tears from pouring out- As I quickly move the page and try to scroll past it all....Some of them-  I am of course so happy for- THRILLED to see them get what they longed for aster struggling- BUT it just KILLS me when I think of where I still am, and how much we have lost. It just guts me inside. I KNOW we WILL get our turn- But man- this has to be the most brutal, emotionally taxing wait- for something- I have ever, ever had to endure.

I am so afraid of getting amped up for this cycle- Staying positive, and really believing for a miracle- And then, have to walk away in the same place- yet again....I battle with being realistic ( pessimistic?) to having radical faith- Someday's I am convinced it is all going to work out, and SOON- But then I remember, I felt like that 16 months ago- And here I still am....

Maybe it is the combination of hormones- And lack of sleep- But, I feel so desperate- and vulnerable, and sensitive, and out of control- I hate it! I hate feeling like I have NO control over how I feel and what is going on.  ugh-

Ok I will stop with the whine fest.....

Lord help me make it through this week-

Thursday, August 23, 2012

4dpo- feeling blue

Well, 4 dpo today. Had a nice temp rise this morning. Feeling all sorts of cramping and sharp pains. I am tired and irritable and sad. And every single place I go- I get reminded of what I have lost and what I "should have". SO many women have had their babies recently. And even more- still pregnant, and due around the many "EDD's" we would have had. I hate it. I hate that I feel so bitter, jealous and envious. I hate that I am still stuck here- Still trying...Hoping and praying we get lucky enough to snag a take home baby. I HATE it!! I hate that even if we do get a BFP- there is NO guarantee we will get to bring that baby home in 9 months. I hate that crack heads and people who could give two craps about their children get to continue to have baby after baby, with NO complications...While I pop pill after pill and shoot myself up with blood thinners just to have a chance to keep a healthy pregnancy...

I know I promised to stay positive this time and not "go there"...And I will....But right now I am having a bit of a meltdown...I just needed to vent for a minute. I will pick myself back up and keep on keepin on.... We WILL get a take home baby one day- But today, I am grieving what I should have had 10+times over...Its a sucky place to be....
=/

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Things NOT to say to someone who has lost a baby-


When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."
-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.
-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
If you're my boss or my co-worker:
-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

-DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Giving the Antihistamine Protocol another try

I decided to give the Antihistamine Protocol another try this cycle. I modified it a bit- I have done it in the past, and both times I was pregnant, but lost them. One was a chemical, and one was a ectopic. So because I kind of pulled all the stops out on this cycle with Femara (CD 2-6- 7.5 mgs) and Lovenox ( started 40 mgs a day on CD 2- end of cycle or till 36 weeks in pregnancy), I decided to incorporate the other stuff too. So as of 1 DPO, I started my prednisone- 20 mgs a day (taken in the morning). Then, today, 2 DPO, I started the  pepcid (twice a day, once in the morning, once in the evening), and also added a bennadryl in the evening, right before bed. I Hope this combo will help us snag and keep a take home baby!!
=)

I am Pretty sure I ovulated out of both ovaries this cycle...The O pain were incredible, and even today, still, I am aching. I hope that means at least one of them are GOOD. I really want a May baby!! According to my ovulation date, my EDD is 5-12-12 . I know I should not even get ahead of myself...BUT, I just want this so stinking bad, I am trying to stay as positive as possible. I have spent many cycles pessimistic and bitter...And while I know I will never have that innocent excitement back, I can choose to stay in a good state of mind, and hopeful for every chance we get.


Monday, August 20, 2012

TWW- Here I come

Got my temp rise this morning- So, I am 1 dpo now- This cycle ended up going well, and I ovulated on cycle day 16! All my signs lined up perfectly. Got perfect BD timing, and I am feeling very positive about our chances! I  will start testing as soon as I can't take it any longer- Not sure when that will be this month. LOL...

Saturday, August 18, 2012

It's that time!!

Fertile time!! whoo hoooooo!! Got some ferning action on the scope, + OPK, cervical position is HSO- and I got a awesome pre-O temp dip this morning! Things are coming along  great!! I cannot wait to get into the TWW! I hate waiting to ovulate because I can sometimes have long irregular cycles with a late O- and it makes timing BD and all that jazz a PITA! Needless to say, I am pleased this month is going to well!  Now we just need a few more sessions of baby making and  we will cross everything and start praying like crazy!
=)
Here is a peek at my chart- Cannot wait to see those red lines in a few days!!
I am armed and ready with a  TON of wondfo's ( cheapie preg strips) and want to see that BFP- for a take home baby!!!


Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Side effects- Femara Land-

So, it seems the jump from 5mgs of Femara up to 7.5 mgs makes a BIG difference in the side effects. Yikes.
I am dealing with nasty joint pain, and muscle aches, heart palpitations, ovary pain, bloating, and hot flashes to name a few. I would compare it to the clomid hell I encountered once before. Up until now, Femara seemed to have NO side effects at all, but I must say, this time is wayyyyyy different. I do believe it will all be worth it at the end. I Just was caught off guard is all.

On another note-
I wore my angel baby necklace today. It felt great. It looked beautiful, and I really smiled when I looked down and saw all the gem stones twinkling in the sun light...It felt like a step in the right direction....Hopefully more to come.

Monday, August 6, 2012

I got them!!

My necklaces!

I ordered a necklace to represent all of our angel babies- It was a hard thing for me to do...emotionally, and mentally. But I felt so good after it was done...I have been waiting for a few days to get the package, and today it came!!

I met a sweet woman on my BBC boards who makes jewelry. and she offered to help- and even threw in a beautiful necklace with stamped discs to represent each of my living children! soooo sweet!!

Anyway- here they are!!!!


Here the the one that has our 4 living children's initials on the discs-
 And here is the one with the gem stones that represent our angel babies, and the month we lost them...


Medicated madness!

I am back on the medicated madness train! AND, I am excited about it!! It feels so good to be back to TTC again and having a plan, etc. We started our Femara last night- Doing 7.5 mgs CD 2-6- Then I will start progesterone, prednisone, and lovenox after Ovulation. I can def tell a difference taking the 7.5 mgs VS the 5mgs we did the last femara cycle we did. The side effects are not nearly as bad as clomid thankfully, but I def feel more with the raised dose...Hopefully it will help us pop that golden eggy that will bring us a take home baby for May!!!!!! If I ovulate on track like my other femara cycles, my hopeful EDD will be May 14th! What a perfect time! I had my son May 31st back in 2006, and I LOVED the time of year! It was perfect!

I am working on staying positive, and speaking LIFE out and not doubt or discouraging words or death- I will be speaking out scriptures that help me focus on the end goal, and will try and post them here too when I get a chance. The word is filled with promises of having healthy pregnancies and babies! So I am going to be speaking them out, and standing on the promises God gave me about having another blessing, and  am making a pact NOT to go to those 'dark places' of what happened in past cycles, with my past losses etc....This is a NEW time, and a NEW cycle, and I am going to keep myself focused and positive, even when it feels impossible!

So here we go!!!

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Wow-

4 years ago this day...I experienced what was one of the single worst events of my life. The day we went in, and found out that Hannah was no longer alive-  I honestly feel so many things today- I cannot even put them into words- I Honor my little angel, and instead of weeping I now smile, and look at the rainbow I was blessed with after the tragic loss.... Then I think of my other angels- and how long this journey has been, I feel a little discouraged- But still, behind it all, I feel HOPE...I know it almost seems inconceivable...Hope after all that has happened...But it is there....It whispers in my ear to keep trying even when every voice says " it wont happen"...I believe. We will have a rainbow after this storm.

CD1

Back to CD1...A chance to start again. Back to medicated madness...Back to temping and testing...Back to TTC again....