Purpose Driven Motherhood

So, I have some good news, and some bad news... The Good news...My hormone levels are great, and we can try again this month! The bad news? My once "mild" insulin resistance, has now turned into full blown PCOS. While I did not have any cysts,my ovary's are poly cystic in appearance, and  had TONS of follices. which can be good so long as I take something to stim a bit and cause the many follices to mature into a few good ones... AND, because my levels were good, I get to start my femara tonight! woo hooo! I am slightly bummed though...It sucks to have issues after issues arise in regard to TTC...It is like my body is falling apart...So disheartening ...But, I have to be thankful for a chance tp try, and some good baseline levels to start off with! so...here we go! Levels are as follows- HCG- <0.5 TSH- 0.19 FSH- 5.1 LH- 2.39 P4- 0.4 E2- 25  Endo thickness 4.5 Wish us luck! =)

 I have an appt set for Monday at 10 am for clinic with the RE office, to get a set of CD 3 ( I will be CD 4) labs and a ultrasound to check over everything...Hopefully, by then, the HCG is totally baseline, and my E2 this cycle is not stupid and is also baseline...Please, please, please!! NO more set backs!!

Happy hour!! whooo hooo! Yes...I realize what time it is...But, it IS 5 o clock somewhere....Right!? Screw this cycle! Screw TTC and all the emotional baggage that goes with it...Screw the weight gain from fertility meds...Screw the temping, OPK's, CM, CP and all that jazz....Just screw it... I am going to spend the remainder of today, sipping on this bottle of red, and watching some Grey's, while I try to pretend my heart has not been crushed, yet anther time...I am well aware my denial will end soon, and reality will hit, and I will have to face the pain, face TTC....Face it all over again....But today, I am going to say screw it, and enjoy happy hour/day.

I am feeling pretty let down today... I know this cycle was not even supposed to be a "go" anyway, and by some miracle, we were able to try and got a dose of intralipids in there too, which was doubly awesome, and I was so thankful to have a shot at this cycle..... But still, I am feeling so bummed out today... On 8 dpo, I woke up, broke down,  and tested...I saw a "shadow" on the wondfo's, and just kept testing throughout the day...By the end of 9 dpo, I had lines on 4 different tests, ( wondfo strip, wondfo cassette, dollar store test and FRER) squinters, but def lines. But over the course of the last few days, nothing has progressed, just kind of stayed the same...I held hope, and just tried not to obsess..( hence the not posting of HPT pics on the blog this time..Its gets to hard to have to see them, after the fact, when the cycle is a bust) So....Today, 12 dpo, I woke up to a temp drop, and all tests now totally BFN... I am trying so very h...

I just LOVE when I have a pretty chart!! Yes, I know, It does not mean a BFP/THB or anything else really, other than ovulation occurred and progesterone is now the dominant hormone....BUT, on a cycle like this, where Normally I would STILL be waiting to O, I am pleased as punch to see such a great chart for a cycle that we all thought was a "bust". Not only did I O'ed wayyyyyy early with NO meds, but my progesterone was good, and but my charts looks  aaaammmmaazzzinggggg....NOW, all I need is a sticky BFP!! I have to admit, I am a LOT more hopeful than ever before....I sure hope that is not setting me up for a BIG fall at the end of this cycle...I know nothing is guaranteed  even if we do get a BFP, but the addition of the intralipids gave me a little more hope to hang on to that maybe, just maybe we will get our rainbow one day after all.... Anyway, here is my kick ass chart! =)

   I am not sure what I expected, but now that it is all over, I can say with certainty, that is was a piece of cake!! The hardest thing was staying still in the chair for 2 hours! LOL! I got there, got checked in, used the potty real fast, then my nurse drew my blood for progesterone ( came back at 10.7 on 5 dpo, not bad at all for a non medicated cycle and 2 days earlier than a normal peak P4 draw!) then got me set up in my chair and prepped me for my infusion. She then went over the waiver info, and I had to sign a few things. She then went over any side effects/adverse reactions etc...And gave me instructions for the rest of today/this cycle... I was told to drink at least 80 oz of water today following the infusion, not sure why other than it is supposed to help keep away any head aches associated with the infusion.IV, and also, NO tylenol, and NO alcohol. No problem there! After that, I was all hooked up and ready to go! I just sat there, and chatte...

This morning at 10 AM, I will be going for my very first intralipid infusion! I am excited, as this is new for us, and has been shown to have great success rates for RPL ladies! I will get there about 10 mins before, just so they can do a progesterone draw as well, then I will get set up in my little room, and my nurse will start my IV. It should take about a hour and a half or 2 hours to completely infuse the meds. After that, I am set to go, and wont need another one till 5 weeks If we get a + preg test. And again every 28 days till 12-16 weeks or at my RE's/RI's discretion. I reallllllllllly HOPE we caught the egg this month, and this new concoction helps us snag a THB! I am feeling all sorts of symptoms the last two days...I know it is just progesterone, but it makes me feel better knowing my levels must be good to cause the nastiness I am feeling! We will see what my levels are at this afternoon....Praying for the best! Here is a nice Chart Overlay of this ...

I am pleased to report, not all is lost with this cycle!! Not only did I ovulate way early, and get some BD action in, I also got the RE to let me do my Intralipids and prednisone!! I go down Wed morning at 10 am for a Intralipid IV infusion and a progesterone draw...I already started on dexamethasone, just waiting for my prednisone RX to come through for the correct dose! I am so stoked! I know this cycle could be a total bust due tot he funky O and whackiness, but, I have a LITTLE hope, now that I get to at least TRY the intralipids, and I will get them in time too, right on 5 dpo...which should work out great, it is not ideal, like having it done on CD 5 days before ovulation, but at least I get it done before implantation, that is key! I also woke up to wonderful crosshairs! always makes me smile a little! especially with a early O like this month...I had virtually NO waiting  for ovulation like normal...So this TWW is already flying by! Here is a peek at the chart! ...

Looks like It def was Ovulation!!! Got a NICE temp spike this morning, and all my regular post O symptoms! The only "odd" part about it all is HOW EARLY I ovulated this time....Talk about a SHORT cycle! Yikes!  It must have been a good O too, cause I already feel like crap, and am constipated...generally I don't feel that way till at least 6 dpo, so progesterone must be kickin in already too...As much as I hate to feel like junk, I am glad things are going better than expected. I expected another suuuupppperrrr LONG cycle like last month, NOT to ovulate on CD 8!  If this had not happened to ME, I might have said this was not even possible, especially considering how late I have O'ed for most of my life, so it really was a shock! NOW...we wait.... I do have to say though, this might be the quickest, and easiest TWW ever for me, since normally, I am still 7 to 10 days away from O at this point! LOL...Here goes nothing! Oh yea, here is my chart/Temp spi...

Soooo After my RE canceled my cycle, I just kind of resigned myself to the fact that this cycle was shot, and I was looking at another delayed ovulation cycle, like last month, and just was not even really paying attention...Well around CD 5/6, I started to get EWCM, like perfect, beautiful, clear, stretchy EWCM, and I noticed DH was VERY intent on BD, out of the blue, even whilist sick with the flu ( pheromones??  lol)...I was a bit perplexed, bit figured the high E2 that caused my cycle to be canceled was to blame...But on CD 7, I had even MORE EWCM, with my CP at HSO, and  I felt ovary twinges like I do around O time... Intrigued, I decide to take a OPK.... ?????? Totally positive??? what!? On CD 7?? What on earth? So I asked the RE what to do, he said, basically, more U/s and blood that close to "O"  would be inconclusive, and to just BD as much as we can and go for a P4 check on 7 dpo to see what is going on. No real answer on why this is all ha...

I just happened to log on a few mins ago, and check my blogger account and all the blog's stats. I happened to realize, I just passed the ONE year mark from when I started this blog, and nearly 2 years TTC...Time sure does fly!! Then I happened to look down at the "all time page views" and see over 22,000 views!!  Holy Cow! (And NO, I do not track my on views, lol)...I am actually surprised anyone reads this horrendous display of emotional baggage spewing all over the place....Some time I feel like a whining, insane, bitter, brat when I look back at some of my posts...LOL...I don't know how yall put up with me, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you! I appreciate the encouragement, and it really is nice to know this page reaches someone, somewhere, and even if only for a moment they can relate in a small way, and feel a little less alone in this LONG, hard journey, then it has been worth putting my time into this blog, and I don't feel as bad beari...

Even though we were not going to "try" at all a few days ago, then we decided after a long talk, to just see what happens/how we feel after CD 3 results came back.... I was excited at the CHANCE to maybe say "ok let's give it a go" But, yet again, my body is being STUPID! The RE messaged back about the CD 3 labs, and basically said, I need to wait it out, no BCP's as they just "mask" the issues....He said to just try again with the next period...I replied back with a message to push the issue of additional testing, since this has happened now two cycles in a row, and  it is NOT normal, and I feel like something is "off"...We will see what he says... =/

I am starting to realllllyyyy hate my body right now... I don't have all the labs back from yesterday yet, but I logged into the portal and most of them were in there...Of course, I have to wait for a call back from the Nurse/RE, but, I am pretty sure this cycle will play out like the last one with delayed ovulation  etc......Levels are as follows... E2- 109 ( should be under 50, last cycle it was 300+ on CD 3) FSH- 2.66 LH-  6.89 ( the ratio between LH and FSH should not look like this- indicates PCOS) HCG- <1 (I knew that!) Waiting on the other two results... P4- ? TSH- ? UGH...Looks like my "mild" insulin resistance" had turned into a more aggressive form, and presenting more like PCOS now...Great, just great...I sent a message to the RE on the portal about it all, asking what he thinks we should do next...Waiting to hear back, but VERY frustrated we are dealing with this same song and dance again!!! WHY ovaries WHY!????????!!!!!!!!!! ...

Well, I got CH's yesterday....But, I am still not convinced for some reason. I feel Like the whole cycle has been ONE BIG fake out all the way across the board. So many issues, let downs, set backs etc...I am too afraid to think I o'ed, only to be caught off guard and set back to waiting for AF again because O didn't really happen...I think I am going to go do to the RE Friday morning to see if they can figure out whats is going on between some blood and ultrasound we should be able to get an idea of where I am at in my cycle...If need be, I can do a round of provera I guess, but I need to know what is up one way or the other...I may just wait it out some more too...I dunno......I feel like I cannot rely on my temps/CM/CP or body at all in general right now...Totally sucks...I just wanna move on to next cycle already!    :::stomp, whine, cry, grumble:::: Here is my "spectacular" ( NOT) chart....

I THINK I may have ovulated the other day!! I got a + OPK (I have had those in the past and NOT ovulated  so I still didn't really think anything) and then some EWCM,  now my temp is up two days in a row...Here is hoping I get CH's tomorrow (FF shows CH if tomorrows temp is high again)  and I can finally start counting down to the next cycle! Geez, this has been such an ordeal...I Hope to never have another cycle like this again!

OK- Here are my Liebster Award nominations… Please answer the questions and nominate your own fellow bloggers. In no particular order- Bean journey Eat Love Procreate Our Journey to a baby bump 2 kidney beans Ive seen a love Strong mind, passionate soul, crappy uterus Ok- Here are your 11 questions! If you HAD to choose- Salt or pepper? Favorite place to eat out Girly girl, or tomboy? Are you a saver or spender? Do you  have any animals/pets? How do you like your eggs cooked? Do you floss every time you brush? What is your favorite thing to do to pass the time? Windows or Apple? Would you go sky diving? If you could go back in time and change ONE thing- What would it be, and why?

I’ve been nominated for a Liebster Award!!! Woot! Go ME! HUGE  Thanks to  Wanting another wagner  for the nom! For those who do not know.... The Liebster Blog Award is given to bloggers by bloggers. It is for blogs with less than 200 followers. When you receive the award, you post 11 random facts about yourself and answer 11 questions from the person that nominated you! After that, you nominate another 11 blogs, and ask them 11 questions!- Here are my 11 random facts-    I used to wear glasses for a light sensitivity disorder I ALWAYS buy things on clearance- Like, OCD about it- I WILL NOT pay full price...lol I keep my hair brushes in my freezer in a bag ( dont ask-long story) My parents were professional musicians while I was growing up-  I grew up in so California I have experienced at least 3 BIG earthquakes in my time I went to cosmetology schoo l I hate to wash silverware. I LOVE wearing flip flops and s...

I know I have posted this one before, but it is worth a re- post....I cannot count the time HE gave me the strength to just keep breathing....

It's going to be alright It's going to be alright I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep And you try to rise above it, but feel you're sinking in too deep Oh, oh I believe, I believe that It's going to be alright It's going to be alright I believe you'll outlive this pain in you heart And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart Oh, oh I believe I believe that It's going to be alright It's going to be alright When some time has past us, and the story if retold It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soul Oh, oh, I believe I believe, I believe I believe I did not come here to offer you clichÈ's I will not pretend to know of all your pain Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you It's going to be alright It's going to be alright

It was right about this time, last year, that I really started to realize this TTC thing may take a BIT longer than we anticipated...We had a few losses, but I was still rather hopeful, and had been keeping that "just keep trying, just keep trying" (sang in Dori from 'Nemo' type voice) mind frame firm in my head, not letting the doubt cause me to waiver in my assurance we would have a take home baby SOON. I remember thinking- "This time next year, I will either have a newborn, or be BURSTING ready to deliver!.. .I will have name picked out, and know the gender, I will have been shopping for baby stuff and setting up the nursery at the very LEAST". I was so very SURE it would be a different scenario for Thanksgiving of this year...And It should have been...I should have a NEW baby three times over - or be 26+ weeks or 16 weeks- etc etc...I should be enjoying my rainbow...I should be feeling JOY - I should be seeing my new baby grow and grow......-But, I am...

Just wanted to share the Private TTC and dealing with recurrent M/C groups on FB that I started/admin. There are some amazing ladies there, all with various diagnosis's, most no diagnosis, as are most RPL women. You can ask questions, and most of all gain support there, walking through this very hard time, its always nice to have women to relate to. Click HERE to Join-

CD 27-  STILL....NO OVULATION.... That about says it all.... I am frustrated, sad, impatient and realllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyy disappointed that we are STILL dealing with this hellish cycle! I just wanna move on so we can do our new meds, and actually have a shot at a take home baby!!! Please send me some O/AF vibes! I don't care which one happens, just something!!!!! ANYTHING!!

Me singing "somewhere over the rainbow"...Hard one for me to do without crying-

Yup, that's about all I can do right now is LOL - I got a possible + OPK this morning so yay for that! But by noon it was neg....My temp did dip, so I think O will be soon thank goodness, then we can get on with this cycle and move on to the next! This has been one heck of a cycle/month. - Then, to top off this crazy, stupid, silly couple of weeks/last month... I rolled my ankle and sprained it and jacked the tendon up...Ya, NOT fun, and VERY painful...I just finally recovered from the strange neck pain that spazzed my whole body out and caused me to have to eat valium and hydro's and now I am back to eating hydro's for the stupid ankle...UGH! I am so frustrated with things right now! AND- we are trying to get a new family vehicle, and are waiting for some money to free up to buy one ( and also pay for Braverman testing) And things are LAGGING like crazy! I am not the more patient person in the world, but this whole month has tested me for sure...

UGH- CD 23- and NO sign of O! This is getting ridiculous!! I just want to move on for crying out loud! I hate waiting to O anyway, but even more so when this cycle is basically a bust, and each day feels like a million years! C mon stupid ovaries, and ovulate already so I can get on it with it!!!

‎"Cry if you must, But DON’T MOVE! Having done all to stand, DON’T YOU MOVE till you get your crown because GOD says when I send the crown, I will send the power to the place of your pain! And, until you can deal with your pain, You can’t receive your power. Stop avoiding it, Stop running from it, face it. Your power is in your pain! I came to encourage somebody! Don’t move, don’t jump, don’t quit, STAND RIGHT THERE!!! If you hold on, EVERYTHING God promised you will meet you in the place of your pain. Show me the place of your greatest pain and I’ll show you the place of your greatest promotion. Show me the place that tried you to the breaking point and I’ll show you the place of your prophetic destiny."-T.D.Jakes

Well, I def did not Ovulate- Not even sure what is going on! Good news-- My thyroid is back to normal!??  Maybe the dexamethasone I was on back at the start of my cycle threw it all off?  My estrogen should be higher if I am going to ovulate soon?? My LH is rising,- and so is my FSH-? Aahh- Guess this is going to be one of those months.... Here are my labs from this morning- TSH: 1.17 FSH: 8.16 LH: 7.46 P4: 0.67 E2: 40.36

Strange cycle! Ugh! I am getting sick of this dysfunction I am dealing with in my cycles these days! So as you all know, my CD 3 labs were off, due to this strange bleeding I am having, and even when I repeated the labs on another day- But, my estrogen was still just "too high" ( and my thyroid was off) to cycle with meds- so they canceled me- and told me to call in with the next AF- So the bleeding continues, and gets worse as the days go by...After all was said and done, with spotting included, I bled for 15 days- 8 of those days were super heavy flow with large clots- then a few medium light days and some spotting before and after- I didn't even bleed that heavy, for that long after giving birth in the past! No one could tell me why I was bleeding this way.... Finally after what seemed like forever dealing with AF- I was down to super mild spotting. DH and I jumped on the chance for some fun together, but not cause we want to TTC, but cause it has just been ...

I feel like everything is falling apart. Pretty much everywhere in my life, things are in chaos, and shambles... To start with, the whole canceled cycle thing has only gotten worse- My TSH ( thyroid labs) have gotten even worse in a matter of days and no one knows why, I am STILL bleeding now, 12 days total- and it is NOT letting up- I dont bleed this long, ever, even after giving birth!? I don't get it! BUT I guess a little part of me is happy we did not try to cycle anyway, as it is certain this cycle would be a bust, regardless of what we did/do- But still.... So then, yesterday morning, I wake up feeling fine....Within a HOUR of being awake, my neck locks up, and I cant move it a bit- excruciating pain.I toughed it out all day, then finally decided, OK, I need to go get some meds for this, as I was laying on the couch bawling like a baby from the pain...Off to Urgent care we went... I get there explain the last week or so, in regards to hormones, bleeding,...

I am so sick of all the SHIT!!! Yes, I used profanity...It's that kind of day/week/month....   Just got a call from the RE office, and after looking at my chart further, RE said NO cycling this month after all..::whine/stomp/scream/cry:::   He said my TSH (which took a jump from 1.24, just 6 weeks ago to 4.09 Friday, to 8.20 Yesterday which is now a whole other issue on it's own!) and my estrogen which was STILL at 163,  I am not ok to cycle, and the nurse who said yesterday, that I was at baseline, was wrong ( looked at wrong levels from wrong day)...Freaking great. I already took a dose of Femara, last night...I am sure it wont do any real harm, but none the less... So, no TTC/ no intralipids nadda... Maybe it is best anyway...Since in the last week BOTH our cars decided to die, leaving us in a pinch, and rather stressed out scrambling for $$ and transportation for a few days, and now trying to figure out whats worth it to put money into etc...Not to mentio...

Turns out, my labs on Friday were not really done on "CD 3"- I misjudged the heavish spotting as "light flow"- it went on for 3 days, and I thought I would just have a lighter cycle...Well, REAL flow came on sat morning, and today, I went and had my labs redrawn, and they are baseline! yay! However, my TSH is all sorts of off- so they adjusted my meds, and will recheck them in a few weeks- I will still follow up on things with my regular endo just to be sure. BUT, I get to keep my intralipid appt!! Yay! I cannot wait!! Now to hope that Sandy does not kill it for me, and keep the power out and roads closed....

Just great- This whole cycle is shot- They finally got all the rest of my labs back from Friday (after the lab screwed it all up) and my hormones are whacked out. My Estrogen is 350 still...And even though HCG was neg, and progesterone was baseline, my estrogen was not, Which means NO meds, NO intralipids and a busted cycle...She said I more than likely have a cyst. I have to call back Mon, and go for a u/s and blood again, but by then it will be too late to start meds, and do my infusion...::cry:: =(

I am all set to go, Wed at 1 pm for my Intralipid infusion. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I can't wait to get this cycle moving! =) What are Intralipids? Hopefully part of the crazy cocktail that will give us a THB! Intralipids Reduce NK cell activation - calm down overactive immune system/inflammation. (to help keep body from rejecting or attacking the embryo)  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18782287  As effective as IVIg  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17362387  Intralipids are safer than IVIg as they do not contain any blood products. ILs are also around 10x cheaper than IVIg. More information: Intralipid (IL), is a synthetic product composed of 10% soybean oil, 1,2% egg yolk phospholipids, 2.25% glycerin and water. Based on research performed at SIRM and elsewhere, infusion of IL lowers Natural Killer cell activation (Nka) as effectively as does, intravenous gammaglobulin (IVIG.) When indicated ...

Well... Finally, after a whack-adoodle second half of my super early O cycle, AF is here! Time to officially start TTC  again! I am so stoked. I have to give a call in to my RE and schedule a clinic visit for labs and my intralipid infusion! I start my dexmethasone tonight, and Femara on CD 3. I am so stoked to be moving on with this new plan, and hopefully only a short time away from snagging a take home baby! Here we go!

Yesterday was a hard one for me. October 15th marks pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, and all over I saw reminders of our angels....Part of me felt connected to them again, and then, part of me felt so distant from reality... I lit some candles in memory of our angel's my friend's angel's and the rest of the world...                          Forever and always in my heart- I love you all my precious angel babies!!

Its so hard to watch the seasons go by...    It's so hard to still be here -Hoping, praying, ,crying, desperate....Trying so hard to be patient, but desiring to get on the other side of this all...Each season that goes by, digs a bigger hole into my heart, creating this deep pain...I grieve what I do not have, and at the same time what could have been, so many times over...It is such a hard place to be in...I fight my way out, and go about the day, trying to live normal life, but every so often is creeps in, stronger than usual, and gives me a reality check...I am still wandering around inside a real life nightmare... I watch the leaves turn an amazing gold, red, yellow, orange ...Crisp and brilliant...I watch them fall ever so softly, ushering the chilly, brisk air...My heart sinks as low as the fog in the valley...We enter another holiday season with no baby, and no sticky bean...We inch closer to the 2 year actively trying mark.....

I DID actually ovulate early this month! I am still a tad shocked by it all. Totally not my "norm". Anyway that means this cycle will go MUCH faster, and we can get on with TTC next month- Here is my strange looking chart. This cycle has also kicked my butt- I had some KILLER cramps the other day, way earlier than normal in my cycle...Not sure what that was about...Anyway, I am anxious to get on with it and on to next cycle! counting down days!  I will be picking up my meds this week for all the immune protocol etc.  Turns out my progesterone in oil is NOT covered by insurance, so that will be about 75 bucks- yuck, but we will give it a try I guess!

And I should have crosshiars!! Holy CRAP! I ovulated on CD 13!! My earliest O ever since charting for over 30+ months! I am quite surprised! I was overjoyed when the last two cycles yielded a CD 15 O day, but this? I am floored! Maybe the metformin is kicking in, and moving my O day up? Who knows really... I am not entirely sure what caused it, but I will take it!! Generally, my O day varies from CD 16- CD 22, with no real rhyme or reason, so I am used to things never being the same in any given cycle, but never in my wildest dreams  would I have guessed I would ovulate on CD 13! This means, this cycle will go by faster, and we can get to TTC faster!!  And that I ovulated in the "normal" time range!!! The only glitch?............... We had a super spontaneous, super HOT (more than amazing) BD session on CD 10....Me, thinking, (in a split second moment while I was all riled up- yes I realized my judgement may have been skewed due to the p...

Nothing really going on...Just trying to pass the time...Been cleaning, and organizing so we are all ready for Holiday's and winter etc... I THINK I may have either Ovulated super early, or just geared up to O...Wont really know for a couple more days, once I see what my temps do, but if I had to go on CM and CP alone, I would have totally thought I ovulated 100%...Part of me really hopes I did, so we can get on with  this cycle and have it be over faster! LOL. I there was a way I would fast forward time, I would be using it right now, that is for sure! But, for now...I clean, and stay as busy as I can , so the days go by as fast as they can! Estimated time left till TTC: 18 days!

So I have been looking for info regarding progesterone in oil injections so I can be prepared on how to do this. I stumbled upon a vid on youtube that shows you how. Come to find out, this is my fertility clinic who shot the vid. anyway...YIKES! that needles it HUGE! I am NOT looking forward to that, but I will do whatever it takes for a take home baby!!!

I went to the RE this morning for my HSG, to check the condition of my tubes, since the recent ectopics. I had a HSG, back in July 2011 that showed things were well in there, but we wanted to be sure nothing was gunked up before we started to TTC with the new immune meds. Anyway, results: Both tubes OPEN, clear and NO swelling! yay!!! Good news!!!!!!! Here is a pic- So, now that we have determined my tubes are all good, we can start moving forward with our plan. We decided to wait in seeing Braverman until after the first of the year, and are going to cycle locally at my RE- Using, Femara, Intralipids, dexamethsone, progesterone in oil injections and prometrium vaginally after O. If in two cycles, we either do not get pregnant or have a m/c we will go right to Braverman and get tested, but I am hoping the new meds and especially the intralipids will do the trick!! Now to pass the time, until next cycle!!

   So, the Appt with Braverman is set,  but now, we are having car issues, and DH might have to work that week/day. That, combined with the 400 bucks I need to get down there, pay for child care, pay my co pays, gas etc... It is looking like we will have to wait till after the first of the year to go down there for testing. It totally sucks. If both cars did not need to be fixed/inspected etc, we would be able to swing it, but as it stands right now, we will have to change the plans...    The ONLY good thing...My local RE, is willing to cycle with me, using femara, dexamethasone (a steroid like prednisone to suppress immune issues), Intralipids ( IV infusions that lower the NK cell activity) Lovenox, progesterone and estrogen. So, basically, what I would be doing with Braverman anyway, since I cannot afford the IVIG treatments, those are 3 grand a pop, and need to be done every 2 weeks!! The intralipids are about 80 to 100 bucks a pop, also ne...

I called in today, to let the office know I had started a new cycle. I wanted to wait another day or so, just to be sure the bleeding stayed consistent with a regular AF before I called in. Anyway, I called in and let them know, and that I had been speaking with the RE via the portal, in messages, and he suggested a HSG to check my tubes again after the recent  ectopics. So, they took some info and sent me over the scheduling, and I booked my date- and they sent in a RX for my 3 days antibiotic course to start the day before the procedure. I will go  in next wed, October 3rd, at 11 am. It worked out perfect, as my DH had the day off and can even drive me down and take me if I want him to. I will probably go on my own through, as I have already had this done before, and it was not nearly as painful as I imagined it would be. In fact it was a similar to the pain you feel with a pap, mixed with a little AF cramps. Nothing severe at all. This test will be able to tell us ...

 I got a call from Braverman's office today...They ARE "in network" and it will only be a 50 buck copay to have a visit!! yay! I am still waiting to hear back about the lab they use for the testing, reprosourse, and if  they are also in net work. The lady I spoke to today, said she was almost positive, but wanted to re check and confirm...I hope to get confirmation tomorrow... This is a HUGE step for me...I really never wanted to have to go down this road, but it seems like it it the last resort, and the DR seems confident he can diagnose me. The biggest challenge will  be getting some of the med's covered and possibly some of the testes. But I am praying it is minimal out of pocket....I really want to get some answers... I do also have some good news regarding my regular RE's plan to treat me should Braverman not work out for whatever reason. (ie. insurance not covering the IVIg infusions which are 3000 a pop, and need to be done e...

 So,  while browsing the net, looking for some info on supplements  and  diet changes to implement  for  when we decide to TTC again,  and I found a post on a paleo site, about the diet and auto immune issues, unintentionally.... It had a few other tag posts on the side, that were similar in content, and I saw a condition that I have struggled with for years, that another person had been also dealing with, and they noticed changes when they did the paleo diet, and restricted nightshade foods. I was intrigued with this new information, because this was contrary to what I had been told before, that the condition I struggle with was due to bacteria/over active hair follicles, and I was always on antibiotics in the past, but they never worked...So I began to research this condition in relation to auto immune disorders, and it turns out it is starting to seem that is IS indeed immune related. I am not going to go into detail about said ...

‎ 1 Peter 1:6. "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials." As Jesus is revealed in you, you can rejoice no matter what. The display of his glory often comes through your wounds. Your dark nights showcase by contrast his splendid dawns, your griefs contrast with his glorious joy. In brokenness, God works in you something beautiful, deep, and substantial to offer others. You are developing inner strength as you are being blessed, broken, and given as an offering in your trials. True strength comes from your desperate need of God. You are a joy to him as you offer your true self as a spectacle of his sufficiency. Paul said he wanted to know Christ and be conformed to the fellowship of sharing his sufferings, knowing there's a resurrection coming (Phil. 3:10).

It started out like any other Sunday... I got up at 7am, got myself showered and ready to go for church, so I could get there for worship practice before service. I got there at 9 am, got myself sorted, and got to practicing our songs for the morning. Service started, and went seamless...It was an amazing morning, filled with so much healing, and freedom for those in the body...Everyone got prayer, and a touch from God...It was beautiful...I felt like I was on this supernatural high.... Service ended, and hubby left to take Kate home for a nap, and I kept the 3 older kids with me, so they could play, and I could chat over coffee with everyone. Had some great conversations and laughed a LOT. Finally, I decided to head home. Packed the kids up and on we went... The afternoon was beautiful...Crisp, cool breeze, and the sun shimmering on the leaves of the tree that are just now starting to change over to their autumn hues...I was driving home, just soaking in the beauty and thinking...

I was expecting this cycle to bee pretty funky due to the ectopic, and lingering HCG. I assumed I would not O at all, or at the very least, have a very delayed O date. Not once did I expect to ovulate the day after my HCG reached neg. So, on CD 9, I  ran out of HPT's and began to use OPK's to see if I could see the decline in HCG with those, since they can detect LH and HCG in higher amounts. The OPK on CD 11 was still very much positive ( line darker than the control line) , and I assumed we had some time left before I was going to be at baseline for HCG levels. ( beta was 47 the day before CD 9) The next day, my OPK was still positive, but a bit lighter...I stopped testing, and decided to wait for the next beta. So CD 14 comes along, and I go for my beta, and while I am waiting for a call back, I decided to OPK again, and it was still VERY much positive, even a little darker than on CD 9and 10. I thought for a while, that my levels were still increasing and I might...