Skip to main content

Day 8 - Colours

Well, I don't have any real special  or  specific "colors" that I associate with my angel babies, other than the generic  pink/blue awareness ribbon, which is a given...

BUT, I do have a touching picture my 11 year old daughter "colored" for me in honor of my angels (the ones she knows about, has seen me go through etc)...I was a little taken back by this picture, as she handed it to me  just as I was exiting my room from a decent "cry fest" after learning I was having yet another ectopic ( this last one that took me tube)  and would probably need surgery...As I gazed at it, at first it made me so sad, seeing the many angels represented - specifically Hannah our 19 week loss, which my daughter remembers very well, as they ( the kids) were there the day we found out we lost her)....I hate that they have had to walk along side me/us  on this long hard road. NO  matter how hard I have tried to protect them from the harsh realities of loss, and keep them out of the loop, they all sense it when we lose another....Nothing is said, just exchanged looks of grief, and unspoken "I am sorry's"...Makes my heart ache that they too have had to experience this part of life, even if it is just by observation.........

Anyway, the more I looked at the picture,  I began to smile when I realized, this was my daughter's way of remembering and honoring  her angel brothers and sisters....This was her way of coping and grieving with the chaos we have all gone through with my losses and complications from the losses and the toll that has taken on all of us, emotionally and logistically.....But, most of all, This was her way of trying to reach out and break the silence...

 
Out of this, came some very beautiful conversations with my 11 year old daughter, about life and loss...She is much more mature than I give her credit for... I was very surprised by her scripture choice too at the bottom of the picture (this was done all on her own). I asked her to explain it…
She has been reading Job earlier in the day, and when she read that verse, she thought of me …She said she feels like the losses are all because the enemy is testing and sifting me,  to see if I will "break" and forsake God  like the enemy tried to get Job to do....She said, "you have suffered so much for so long, the enemy wants you to give up, to turn your Back on God, But DON'T,  keep pressing in, and trust HIM, he WILL deliver you out of this and heal your heart"....Pretty profound for an 11 year old....
 
I wanted to share this with everyone, because this month is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, and I am speaking out about our losses to break the silence in the community, and be a support to anyone who also may be suffering with the grief of pregnancy loss…I also decided to share it,  because sometimes, even something as simple as a picture drawn by a child, can bring revelation, healing and peace, when you least expect it….Every now and again, the Holy Spirit has a funny way of getting messages to you…This time, he did it through my daughter…And in that, it  brought us closer together, gave her a better understanding about things, and brought me closer to healing from this long hard road I have walked….
 

Comments

  1. Sounds like you have a very special daughter. You should be so proud. xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She is very special....=) I am blessed and thankful for her and my other's more than I can even articulate...

      Delete
  2. Wow! What an amazingly mature and thoughtful tribute from your daughter. Job has so much to teach us all too. I can't recite a ton of scripture from the Bible, but I do know he was tested quite a bit in that book!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes It is something I will cherish for a long time...Job was put through the ringer physically, and tested in many ways...But he was chosen by satan to be sifted because he was known to be so "holy" and upright, so he wanted to try and break him....I am NO where near that holy or upright, that is for sure, so I am not sure why the target is on my head for so darn long....enough is enough...

      Delete

Post a Comment

Thanks for any and all comments,

Popular posts from this blog

What you should know if you are considering a tubal reversal

Its been 8 years. 8 years since we took a trip to NC to see DR. Montieth in Chapel Hill. I remember being so excited. I had this picture in my head of how it was going to go during, and after it all. For those of you who don't know, I had my tubes tied in 2009, after the birth of my 3rd, directly following a traumatic still birth. It was a decision made out of fear and trauma, not an informed decision. I ended up having adverse health issues (PTLS) after, and was desperate to find a solution. I stumbled upon a private chat room with others also struggling. Several had gone for a reversal, and seemed to feel so MUCH better after. I had already seen my doctor umpteen times, and they offered no solutions, and insinuated it was "in my head".... I saw all of these ladies posting the day OF surgery saying that they felt relief! I was like, "Yes, this is it!!"... So we saved the 6 Grand, and went and did the reversal. I was PUMPED. I started a blog, YouTube video and F

Some statistics on Miscarriage

Miscarriage Statistics Overall miscarriage risk is 17-22%; risk after gestational sac is visible is 12-15% Miscarriage is one of the most frequent problems in human pregnancy. The most widely accepted definition is that proposed by the World Health Organization in 1977. The incidence among clinical pregnancies  (a pregnancy that is confirmed by both high levels of hCG and ultrasound confirmation of a gestational sac)  is about 12-15%, but including early pregnancy losses it is 17-22%. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11950476 After heartbeat is detected, risk of miscarriage is 9.4% at 6wks; 4.2% at 7wks; 1.5% at 8wks; 0.5% at 9wks To estimate the risk of miscarriage among asymptomatic women after a prenatal visit between 6 and 11 weeks of gestation where proof of fetal viability of a singleton was obtained by office ultrasonography at the same visit. METHODS: Those recruited were 697 asymptomatic women who attended their first antenatal visit between 6 (+2 days) and 11(+

Trust & New Pajamas

So, a blog comment I got the other day from wonderful woman, and awesome supporter of mine, caused me to pause a bit, and kind of evaluate some things about my faith and relationship with God. Which I truly appreciate, because she was kind and not judgy in her words...And I felt God gently nudge my heart each time I read the comment over... I felt my face start to burn with emotion, as tears welled up in my eyes...And I finally admitted to myself... I do NOT trust God...At least not fully, like I once did... But I desperately WANT to be at that point again....Trusting fully...And filled with peace... I walked into this journey,  to try for one more, 100% SURE , God was calling us/giving us the desire  to have another baby...I/we were, 100% certain we would walk away with a baby in our arms...As a matter of fact, I would have bet my LIFE on it. Now, 3 years later, I am broken, weary, and so utterly soul shattered, that I simply cannot "look" God in the eyes...H