Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Day 22: Part 2: My own addition to the project.....

I have been thinking about this since the day of the balloon release...I wanted so bad to attach a note or write the name of our babies on each one, but the thought of having to name all of them was just too daunting on such an already emotional day...But since then, I have been thinking about sitting down and giving naming them a chance...

For the last few days, I have been going back and reading posts I made when I miscarried  in the last couple years/months...Looked at the "should have been" due dates... I tried to remember what I "felt" during that time...I almost always had a "feeling" on gender, and was right with all my living babies, so I decided to just go with that in regards to naming each one of our angels...Here is our list...

1. Jelly bean (2001) -MC
2. Pumpkin seed 2005 -CP
3. Millie (2007)- MC (guessing 7 weeks by size of sac)
4. Hannah marie (2008)- 19 week loss
5. Love bug (2011)-CP
6. Snowflake (2011)- CP
7. Daisy (2011)- MC 5 weeks
8. Lila (2011)-CP
9. Michael (2011)- MC 5w3d
10. Charlie (2011)- CP
11. Chase (2012)- CP
12. Anthony (2012)- MC 5w5d (saw sac etc in uterus)
13. Josie (2012)- CP
14. Jackson (2012)- EP
15. Maryann (2012) -CP
16. Liberty (2012)- EP
17. Jonah (2012)- CP
18. Brandon (2012)-CP
19. Allisondra (2013)- CP
20. Greyson (2013)- CP
21. James (2013)- EP
22. Riley (2013) - EP/Tubal removal

I found this to be very healing....My initial thoughts on this before I really decided to do it were not very optimistic ...I didn't think it would really benefit anything, or anyone, and certainly not me....But I humbly admit, I was wrong, and wish I had done this sooner...I almost did not name the CP's (chemical pregnancies), because so many think they "don't count", but to me, they do....LIFE starts at conception, and they were OUR precious babies...So I named them as well....Even if you take away all the CP's we still have had 10 losses, which is just not fair, or normal...Then add in the CP's and I feel like some freak show, having had soooo manyyyyyy losses...Anyway, Putting names to the love I have for each one of those little souls was good for me...  I don't care if it helps anyone else, or if it seems silly....I benefited from it greatly. That is all that matters.....I realllllyyyyyyyy hope I don't ever have to add to this list again....Ever....

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