Monday, October 7, 2013

Days 1-7

Sunrise-

 I love sunrises and sunsets...They always cause me to look to the heavens, and I always imagine my angels up there helping God "paint the sky"....It sounds silly, but it makes me smile, which I could always stand to do more of...I didn't have one from the morning of Oct 1st, as it was cloudy here, but I have another from the year before, just after one of our early losses....Saratoga springs, NY. Picture taken by me.

 
 
Identity-


Because we have had a mix of early and late losses, I will focus more on our late loss for this one...Our  baby girl we lost at 19 weeks along in 2008, was named Hannah...We had her name picked out before we even knew the gender....It was the ONLY one we could agree on...Hannah is Hebrew in origin and means Grace/favor...Because of the nature of our loss, I did not get to really "see" her, but I have a few ultrasound pics and of course, her foot prints...which I cherish so very much.
 I wish I had the heart to name all our early losses, but there are so many....I just call them my butterfly angel babies....

Grief Myths-

I think there are many myths about dealing with grief...I picked the one I tend to see/hear/experience most often...This is the one I try to convince myself is true, so I can skip the process and just pretend everything is "okay"...Not to mention, society has also inadvertently, put this idea in our heads in so many ways, and in so many areas of grief, but SPECIFICALLY pregnancy loss.
 
 
 
Legacy-
 
I feel like each one of my angels have brought a legacy with them...Because of THEM, I am who I am today...
 
 
Memory-
 
I have a LOT of memories related to loss and grief, I could write a novel....But the one that always comes back to me, the one that haunts me in my dreams and is forever etched into my soul and mind, was the night we found out Hannah passed, we went home to decided how to proceed with L&D etc....Laying in bed that night, knowing that would be the last time I would "hold" my baby...Knowing she was LIFELESS inside of me...Feeling the weight of my grief, and the weight of my belly, which would soon be gone, taken away, along with our precious daughter....The pain I felt that night almost crushed me...

Rituals-

I  don't have many specific things I do in regards to losses each day...Some days, I will light a candle...Some days, I will sing my favorite song to them, others, I write them letters, and some days,  I am so busy, that in a passing moment, when I remember all of our angel babies, I try to make myself smile...I have too many should be due dates and loss dates to try and honor each one...So We celebrate with candle lighting on Oct 15th, and we will be doing a balloon release this year as well....I planned to do the "walk to remember" in my area but DH's work schedule changed last minute, and we wont be able to attend, but I will be there in spirit!

You now-

Oh boy....This is a loaded question...How am I now in my journey with grief?....

I am def in a low point right now....I struggle every day...I don't have an hour that goes by, that I don't think about what we have endured in the last 2 years with so many consecutive losses, a devastating diagnosis, and finally, the loss of my right tube after having our 4th ectopic in a year and a half's time....Ya...I am very low at the moment...Feeling hopeless, yet still wanting to believe for a miracle...Feeling so crushed in my soul, yet on the outside, I seem "fine" to everyone else....Its like I am carrying a ten ton weight on my back that NO one can even see....

They see this...


But, I feel like this inside....
 

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