Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Lost for words...

I have been a funk...Not really much to say that has not already been said before..I feel like such a broken record....But I guess I should start somewhere, and give a little update of some kind...

I have posted a few picture quotes that reflects some of how I am feeling, but I cannot seem to articulate MY feelings right now, in a personal way that is comprehensible to others, and doesn't make me look like an ungrateful bitch...

I guess I will start off by saying, we had another chemical this last cycle...( + test's at 6/7 dpo- 9 dpo, (I tested early cause I almost threw up while socially smoking a cigg and having a drink with my friend and I didnt temp so I didn't know really where my cycle was for sure) and by 10 dpo tests had faded some, and AF came the NEXT day, even while still taking 800 mgs of progesterone supps (which I did start late at 7dpo, the day I got my first positive but none the less), giving me a whopping 10 day LP...=/
Here is one of my FRER's from 7 dpo- =(


I know, I know..."why didn't you prevent!?"....well, truthfully, I hate preventing...I hate that there is  a possibility (even though it is less than 1% chance) that maybe, just maybe one day, everything will line up and MAYBE my body wont attack...I know it seems silly, but what if just that one time it was all PEFECT, and we missed it cause we prevented, in fear of having another loss...UGH....such a freaking mind funk! But, anyway, my reason this time was, I thought we would be "ok" to BD ( not  for TTC, just regular old spontaneous sex!... what is that again?? lol) since I could feel I was getting ready to ovulate on my bad side that no longer has a tube...I thought, "certainly it still won't be sooooo easy to GET pregnant", and therefore we will not have to be as cautious or worry about as many losses/chems etc since we cannot use the necessary meds to carry to term.....Ya right!...=/

....NOTHING is ever black and white or simple for me, ever! ugh...

Turns out the OTHER remaining tube CAN decide to waft over to the ovary where the missing tube was, and "pick up" the egg with the good tube...

I dont even know why I am sharing this, since, really, its pretty freaking "routine" for me now after all this time, and all the losses... AND, honestly, I am beginning to think people either think I am NUTS or faking it, which is why I didn't even post the tests etc...On top of the fact, I knew it was not viable, based on a few key signs I have noticed over the years before every loss, and really, there is no need to "announce"  a maybe baby,  just to say "its over" 2 days later....I'm getting sick of it...I am sure you all are too.....Honestly, I wish I was nuts some days, and NONE of this was REAL, and none of this was apart of our lives forever....Id give anything to be and feel "normal"...To feel peace....To feel whole...I dont even know if that is possible, EVER, with what we have endured...

anyway....

What else is going on? Well, we ( DH) got a tentative date of March 1st for relocation from NY to Cali though his work!!...It is all happening so FAST! we are listing the house next week, and I have SO much to do, but all I feel like doing and want to do is sit in my PJ's, cry and drink wine...BUT, I cannot wallow, not right now.....Something tells me the grief and pain will be JUST as intense if not more so after we move and get settled and all the "distractions" fade away...There will always be time to grieve and wallow....For now, I must refrain and just push through...Too much to be done...

If only the holidays were not upon us...I think this maybe the source of some of my "blues" at least right now...Any other holiday in the last 3 years, we still had  some kind of HOPE...Hope for a new DR appt, new meds, new tests, new treatments...Hope for something we had not tried, and was attainable for us to try...Hope it might actually WORK.......Now that we are pretty much at the end of our rope, it makes it hard to walk through the holidays that we should be celebrating with a new addition like 15 times over! all of the "should be's" and what not just are killing me this year...

I broke down and bought an ornament for our angels...


I wanted to get ONE for every single angel, but id go broke!...So, I got one to represent them all...It was such a bittersweet feeling...I am so thankful I have a way to honor them this year (In years past, I held off with angel ornaments, hoping soon I would have a rainbow baby to focus on instead of honoring dead babies) but I just wish at least ONE of them would be here in our ARMS, alive and well, to celebrate the beauty of christmas, a New year, etc....Instead I will be gazing at some glitter filled ornament that represents the many years of pain and anguish we have endured, and lives we have lost, that I will never be able get back again...That I won't get to watch open christmas presents...That won't ever get to see a "baby's first" anything happen....

Of course, I don't want it to seem like I am so self absorbed in my grief, that I do not engage or participate and celebrate with the children we already DO have...Even though I do not talk about them much on HERE, as to be sensitive to my other bloggers dealing with PI ...I do very much enjoy and cherish every moment I get with them regardless of how  *I* am feeling inside...I hold it in, (my pain) smile and cheer them on in whatever they are doing, even if my heart is breaking that we don't have another there to experience it with them....

It is especially hard  when I see it in my youngest daughter eyes, as she gazes at another child her age in a park, doting over a younger sibling...Then all the sudden she runs over at light speed, and exclaims, " I could be a good big sister too!, why can't I be a big sister mommy!?"....Or when she looks over at the new babies at church, with excitement at first...In awe of how beautiful a new baby really is...Then, the look changes, and  she remembers that "mommies body cannot have anymore babies" JUST before she asks me for the millionth time if we can have one like that too....And I see her heart sink, knowing what the answer will be, if she asks...I think her heart aches a little bit as well....Because after all, they have ALL wanted another sibling almost as much as we have wanted another blessing... Every one of our kids....They have begged for another baby for years, and as soon as I opened up and told them of our losses and diagnosis, they all immediately started on projects they could do to earn money to help us adopt...It touched my heart, but also broke it, realizing they also wanted this too...They also felt the pain of our losses too ...It was not only MY dreams that were crushed, but my husbands, AND my kids, who so  desperately wanted to have a chance with another beloved sibling to make lasting memories with.....It has also affected how my daughters view pregnancy and birth now...They have seen me struggle...My Oldest asked me the other day..." Mom, will I have a lot of miscarriages too?"....My heart broke...I plead to God in my heart at the moment, to please spare her this pain...

Having children already does not negate the pain I /we have felt, and the loss I/we have had to face...It does not change the fact that I feel BROKEN and defective...It does not change the fact that my littlest one prays EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT for a miracle to happen in my body, so she can have a baby brother or sister, and writes letters to Santa asking for him to send us a baby from a family who doesn't want it (adoptive child) or can't take care of it...Or she begs her friends at church who are foster children (fostered by some friends of ours) to help us "find a baby" to bring home like they have..( they get lots of new children frequently)....

having kids already does not change the fact that in my children, I see all the "should have and could haves" that our angels will never experience....I have already experienced the JOY and amazingness of being a mother to the ones I have, ( which I am so grateful for!-this BLOG post illustrates how and why having children has changed me, and why I long to do it again) I KNOW how precious and amazing those  milestones are with each year of life that passes...Having the choice to do it again being TAKEN and ripped away from me at such a young age, is so hard to cope with, when people who have NO buisness having kids AT ALL, are able to have 8+ children all in state care, because the mother is too cracked out to stop her habit, get on birth control, or  take care of those babies!

 I think I have made that rant ( the one above about the crack heads) several times in the last 3 years...I know life is not fair, and I SHOULD be ( and I AM) very thankful for what we have at all, since there are sooooo many fighting just to have ONE and my prayers are always with those struggling with PI......

But it doesn't change the fact that ALL of this HURTS...The deepest kind of hurt that one can experience...The loss of our precious babies, over and over and over...The loss of our DREAMS....The loss of our HOPE and FAITH....It freaking HURTS, Children already or not! ...


Anyway...I think I have rambled on enough...

Just when I think I am THIS close to being able to convey all the things that are swirling in my head, I start to write, and only a fraction of things that make sense actually comes out, and the rest gets drowned out, and I am lost for words again...



8 comments:

  1. I am so sorry :( You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  2. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this again. I'm still hoping you get that perfect storm soon.

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    1. Thank you! My prayers are also with you constantly!

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  3. I'm so sorry you had to experience this yet again. I am really hopeful that your move to CA will end up being one of the best moves ever. You will be getting help at such a highly reputable clinic with Beers and having a new set of eyes and doctors to work with will be priceless. Keep your eyes on the future! It's about to get really bright!

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    1. Thank you <3...I really do feel this move will be GOOD...But at this point I think it is too premature to start thinking about DR BEER and all that entails, since we wont have the money for anything, for at least 2 years...as it is we are taking a cut on the house we are selling, downsizing everything, including the house we will buy, and are still barely going to make, dut to all the medical bills that just came in from the last year dealing with braverman, and also the tubal removal surgery in sept...=( I am starting to think maybe I am crazy for even considering trying again with interventions...I dont know if i can honestly take another failure , especially when you put so much money into it, and get nothing in return...I am hoping the ability for me to do music again, which is one of my first loves, will help in healing as we move on to this new chapter, which may or may not ever include another child...Thats a scary thing to digest...Even with all the new exciting things going on...

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