Thursday, September 20, 2012

ugh...

So, I know I said I was going to lose weight, and get back on my diet, and start exercising....And when I said that, I really meant it...I still do...But, it has been harder than I imagined to get motivated enough to stick with it....Or even get started for that matter....

I cannot seem to muster the strength to get dressed and leave the house, let alone, diet, exercise, and do a cleanse, and start my herbs...I know I should just DO IT...But I can't....

See, part of me feels like, If I do all these things, I have a better chance at a take home baby...But, Then the other side of me feels like, if I do all these things, and it does not make a difference, and we continue to have loss after loss, then I will have come up with yet, another "plan" and it will have failed yet again...I don't know If I can deal with that...

To top it off- I feel like I am slinking into depression mode...Where I just don't want to do anything but sleep, eat and watch TV/play on the computer, and drown out the pain and emotions by filling my mind with as much mindless, stupid junk as possible. Which probably in contributing to the reasons why I have not started with my "plan" yet......I know it is not unreasonable to be dealing with that considering the last 19 months, with all the losses, but as silly as it sounds, it kind of snuk up on me...I have felt "fine"  for so long, with only mild moments of depression, and sadness, in the midst of  difficult times,  But in the last couple weeks, it has been more prevalent, and seems to be getting worse...I have teetered back and forth with going on some meds for  a short term fix, but I always end up with terrible side effects, and many are not safe for when we do TTC again...Then part of me says, screw it, I have done everything  "right" for 19 months, and it didn't make a damn difference in the outcome, why continue to limit things if it wont change a thing...? But then I swing back into "what if" zone, and I would kick myself in the ass if anything happened to a baby ( should be be blessed with one) that I could have prevented by avoiding X,Y and Z.   See, round in round in circles I go....

I hate this....I hate that this journey has infiltrated every nook and cranny of my mind, heart and soul, and it is slowly ripping the last bit of HOPE and life left out of me...


2 comments:

  1. I think you need to take baby steps. You've been through a lot. Your health plan sounds great but maybe it's too ambitious you know? Pick one thing and do it, then another, and another.... Not all at once.

    And yes doing all that may not work TTC wise, but you'll feel a whole lot better physically so it won't be all for nothing.
    Good luck!!!

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  2. i completely understand what you're saying, and i know it all too well. some days i feel like i can't even function. when i asked my psychologist what to do about the fact that i can't bring myself to do simple things like laundry and dishes, she said "buy a new pair of jeans". seriously. she said that grief like this is prolonged grief that can cause situational depression and your goal should be to survive - do what you need to do to make it until tomorrow, and then tomorrow you can do what you need to do to make it until the next day.

    just knowing that whatever i manage to do is a great job and more than i should be expected to do makes me feel good - it makes me feel like i've accomplished something. sure i haven't gotten to the gym a single day this week, but i don't feel like throwing myself out the window of a third story building, so i'll take what i can get.

    i find that worrying about my diet and exercise stresses me out... a lot. like an unreasonable amount. like it's all i think about and i obsess about it... sometimes i can handle it and sometimes i just can't.

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