Friday, January 4, 2013

::Breathe in, breathe out:::

  I cannot figure out if I am coming or going...I cannot stop sweating, shaking, crying, getting angry at nothing, and being totally irrational and stupid...I feel like a total idiot...I hate the way I feel right now....I hate these meds...I realllllllyyyyyyy hate them, but at the same time, cannot bring myself to NOT take them...I tried that road for so long and got nothing other than more heart break and losses...I hate that it cannot just be easy like It used to be for me, never mind for other people...I have DONE this before...I have carried to term without all this CRAP being pumped into me, but WHY can't I do it again!!?? WHY!?? Why cannot I not just "relax" and have it work out...Why can't I just Pray enough, and have enough "faith" and magically, things will just "work out the way they were meant to".???...Why can't I stay constant in Hoping....Why do I waiver, and flip flop back and forth...

One day, I swear, I believe with all my being, that  we  will get our keeper, then, the next day I am preparing myself to walk away for good without a baby in the end, and find some kind of resolve with it all.....Then, the next, I am angry, and bitter at the crack head standing in line with her 6 kids and food stamp card, wondering why it was so easy for HER when clearly she cannot take care of them at all...The next, I am feeling like a total douche bag for even thinking that way, cause, let's face it, the world is NOT fair, and her life probably sucks worse than mine ( of course, most likely from her own doing, but still)......Sometimes life just sucks, and we go through crappy, terrible things, for no reason at all....Sometimes those  that do not deserve it, get the prize anyway, and those left striving and trying, and working hard get the short end of the stick...I wish I could have this " Life is full of rainbows and butterflies"  mentality  and just be at peace....But I am NOT there...I am hurt...I am angry...I am bitter...I am human...I am hormonal...I am broken...I am just a mess...I still have some HOPE, or i could not keep trying at all, period...But the bad days are starting to over take the good days, despite my "new year resolution" to keep the hope alive....I fail again, not even freaking 4 days later...::sigh:::
=/

2 comments:

  1. Meg, I recently found your blog and it helps to know that I am not the only one in the world that feels these crazy, emotional, jealous, and sometimes irrational feelings. I appreciate your blog and find it very hopeful. I personally do not know what my future holds, only God does, but I find peace in reading your blog. (Because I know I'm not alone.) Thank you, and I will keep you in my prayers.

    Krissy

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    1. Thank you soooo much for this comment...Things like this encourage me to keep sharing my journey with other's, and just let me know how very important it is to stay connected with other women who you can relate to while you walk this very crazy, hard road...I wish you all the best on your baby quest- <3 Thank you for the lovely comment <3

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