Wednesday, January 30, 2013

What now?

What on earth do we do now?

I have been asking myself this same question, over, and over, and over again...

This is the second failed immune cycle in a row...We have very little (Maybe None?) options left...Even If I still go see Braverman, the only other protocols I have left are too expensive for me to do every two weeks, cycle after cycle.....The intralipids and steroids/fertility meds/lovenox/extra progesterone etc, were kind of our last ditch effort (And while cheaper, def still adds up after all is said and done) at a keeper with immune meds.  Any of the other more invasive/intensive treatments cost a LOT more money we do not have since our insurance covers NOTHING. We have depleted our savings paying for surgeries and testing and meds as it is for the last 2 years, I cannot keep pouring it out and taking away (financially) from the kids I already have, and stressing all the time, about money for months on end...Our tax return is going towards paying off past medical bill debt, and a fixing our second ( bucket) car...ugh.. ....Not to mention, even IF we could afford it, I was informed the other day, that we cannot even do a cycle of intralipids again, till God knows when, because intralipids are on national back order!!?? No one knows when it will be available again either....It seems like Soooooo MUCH is against us right now....

But yet, I cannot bring myself to give up either...How on earth do I even have the drive to keep going through this? I honestly, am not sure...I just know the desire for another baby is stronger than the fear of more losses...I know that I still have a chance, all be it, a VERY small one, every month, at a take home baby, and I just don't know how to walk away from that...But I know, I cannot keep trying like we have been...Physically, emotionally, financially... I cannot do it.

I guess, I didn't (foolishly) prepare myself for the reality that the immune meds may not work, and we could be back at square one...I really did believe it would work, and we would have a baby...I didn't want to think about "what if" it didn't work...I should have learned. I did the same thing to myself walking into this journey, 2 years ago, thinking it would be easy this time around...But it has been anything BUT easy...

So, I really don't know what to do next...I don't really have a plan. I am just trying to make it through...Trying to not be angry...Trying to not hurt so bad I feel like dying....Trying to breathe.... Trying to just "be"....



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