Purpose Driven Motherhood

After 12 hours of travel and several delays, traffic , almost dying a few times on the 10 and the 2010, due to total JERKS- I mean, I live in NY, and people there are nuts, but wow, I was appalled....So much so, I gave him a very "friendly" hand sign to let him know just how much I "appreciated" his lack of ability to follow simple traffic laws...We finally made it to the Hyw 330 to go up the mountain...Thankful Just in time, because 5 minutes after we showed up at my mom's they closed the road for like a couple hours...We totally got tailgated , even by a freaking police officer...ugh...and after all that out my son gets car sick...We finally made it safe and sound...Have been resting most of the day today, trying to get the jet lag out of our systems.....I am sooooooo happy to be here!! This is exactly what I needed right now...So healing to be with family... Here are a few random snapshots.... ...

I am trying this from 36,000 feet in the sky, via southwest wifi! We are on our way to California! We were up at 4 am, to get the last minute things packed, choke a cup of coffee down, and then head to the airport 2 hours early to get all settled and through security checkpoint etc...We left Albany, NY at 8:15 am, and the flight is about 5 hours and 45mins long, after which we will land in Las Vegas, NV, for a 2 hour layover, then hop on a quick flight (55 mins long) to Ontario California! Once we get our bags we will head over for our rent a car- then drive up to the place I grew up...The lovely mountains of San Bernardino California, in the town of running springs ( big bear, lake arrowhead area)...I CANNOT WAIT, to drive up highway 330, and peer down at the city below ...It is so majestic up there! For now, not much new, just traveling easy... Will update once we get there and settled! =)

  Just thought I would give a little update on what has been going on with us the last few weeks, and in the next couple weeks to come....   Finally all back to normal after the tube removal on 9/14/13. Last cycle was pretty textbook, and so has this month, so far anyway...   I met with my primary DR last week, who had a few not so great things to say about our losses...You know, the ones..."Maybe this is your bodies way of saying it is time to stop having kids" , or " be happy with what you have and move on, if people that witnessed the holocaust can "move on" and live a normal life, you should be able to after pregnancy loss"...Then proceeded to tell me that DH needs to get snipped or I need my other tube removed so I stop having losses...I quickly and firmly let him know we would be doing NOTHING permanent....And, In case you were wondering, I did go OFF on him for the previous comments, and handed him his own ass as nice as I possibly could...Then...

I am not doing the grief post today, because my heart is so very heavy for others at the moment, my own grief, even as ever present as it may be,(it always is, isn't it?) It pales in comparison to what some of my friends are walking through right now at this very moment..... I Have a list about 20 people long who need a serious miracle right now, as in life or death situations...But I am going to focus on two right now, for this post. Though, I am praying for so many constantly through the day, I sometimes feel I ever stop praying, the needs are so great right now in my inner and outer circles....But, seriously, I am pleading with you with agree with me in whatever way you can spiritually for these two people tonight.... First off, my new blogger friend HOLLY  who is having complications with her twin pregnancy (once a triplet pregnancy, one was lost earlier on) after a LONG and hard battle with infertility...My heart absolutely breaks hearing what she is going through right n...

I have both a necklace in Honor of my angels, and a Tattoo... The necklace I got last year, and does not have a charm to represent the last few angels...I did not have the heart to add to it anymore, and have not had the heart to wear it knowing not all of them are represented...I know, it seems silly, but for now, it hangs in my special box, where I can see it and hold it every now and again, when I am feeling particularly sad about things...I always look at the difference in each gemstone that hangs on there, and I think about how different each one of our angel babies were, and wonder what and who they would have been had they been waking on this earth with us instead of flying in the heavens... I got this necklace hand made by a amazing lady on BBC (baby center)...It so blessed my heart...and still does....I really should just add the last few gems... I Got this tattoo just a couple days before the 5 year angelversary of the loss of our Hannah (at 19 weeks in 2008).......

I have been thinking about this since the day of the balloon release...I wanted so bad to attach a note or write the name of our babies on each one, but the thought of having to name all of them was just too daunting on such an already emotional day...But since then, I have been thinking about sitting down and giving naming them a chance... For the last few days, I have been going back and reading posts I made when I miscarried  in the last couple years/months...Looked at the "should have been" due dates... I tried to remember what I "felt" during that time...I almost always had a "feeling" on gender, and was right with all my living babies, so I decided to just go with that in regards to naming each one of our angels...Here is our list... 1. Jelly bean (2001) -MC 2. Pumpkin seed 2005 -CP 3. Millie (2007)- MC (guessing 7 weeks by size of sac) 4. Hannah marie (2008)- 19 week loss 5. Love bug (2011)-CP 6. Snowflake (2011)- CP 7. Daisy (2011)- MC 5...

Just a few quotes I really find touch my heart....  

well, I'd like to think that the fact that I/we have been blessed with as many sweet angels to begin with, even if we never got to bring them home or hold them in our arms and sing sweet lullaby's, is quite an honor in it self... All the things I have (physically, emotionally, spiritually) gone through over the last 3 years, and despite it all, I am still alive, and still standing ... That is a honor...To be able to say "I survived" is a honor...To help another grieving mommy, knowing you know full well "what it is like" is a honor...To be the one that helps wipe away the tears and supports another, without a word said, cause NO words can soothe the soul of a mother who has lost her baby... To carry on the legacy of our angels, as we band together, worlds apart, but bound by the bond of the loss of our babies...That is a honor...To be a mommy to angels is a honor....Not one I take lightly....

My hope is that ONE day, infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss will not be so "taboo" to speak about...And that ONE day, women can get tested and treated for the disease that infertility is, like they DESERVE, and go on to have the family they desire and have every right to have....I hope that women who have to "join this club" in the future, will not have to struggle to get help from DR's and family...I Hope that the hell we are raising now, and the awareness that is being brought to light in the last 2 to 4 years, will pay off, and those that come after us, will not have such a difficult time justifying the need to grieve on their own time, or the need for testing and treatment, and would not have to bare the cost so heavily on their own...I have SO many, many hopes...But the ONE big one...I hope someone, ANYONE will learn or glean something from our journey....That OUR pain, and grief, and hardships, would in some way, make it easier for someone else to g...

As I look back on the last 3 years,I can tell you, my NUMBER 1 biggest encourager and support was:  My husband...HE has been my ROCK and my fortress when I felt like everything around  me was crumbling.... Second: The amazing ladies in my online 'circles' ( you know who you are!) who have been there through me, thick and thin...Watched me POAS a million times, go through beta hell over and over, and watched us have loss after loss, All the while, just "being there" for me...For that, I am so very thankful.... Third: THIS blog, and you amazing people who have followed me, encouraged me, cried with me, laughed with me, and  grieved with me...Some days I felt like I would not be able to carry on with life, and i would log on, to a timely, and very encouraging comment, and it would turn my whole day around...Thank you, EACH and every one of you.... There are so many more, especially in the last year, who have stepped up in my "real life" ( Thank you Ladea...

I really want to release the bitterness I feel to those who have never had to endure such loss and pain and grief...I want to release the bitterness I feel when I see yet anther crack head give birth, then dumper the baby in the trash for dead....I NEED to release it...It eats me up inside...HOW can THOSE people be blessed with a baby, over and over and over, when they could give a crap about them.... I am genuinely happy for all my friends and family who have been blessed with the amazingness that is called parenthood...But it is those who take to for granted, those who dont see the blessing that have, that make me feel bitter inside...I know life is not fair, but for GOD sakes, why, oh WHY do some of the scum of the earth get to continually have more kids, yet we cant have just ONE more....Or how about the people whyo do not have ANY kids at all, who get to watch theese asshats reproduce over and over...I dont kow how anyone walking this journey could not get a LITTLE bitter about...

Day 17: Time- This month marks 12 years since my very first loss... This spring was 8 years since my second loss... This summer made 5 Years since my third loss, which was at  19 weeks gestation.... It has been 34 months since we started this journey to TTC again..... 31 months since our "first loss" this time TTC.... 17 losses consecutively after that...So many "should be" due dates, so many loss dates.... It has been 7 months and 1 week, since we were "officially" diagnosed with our immune issues... 5 months 1 week since our "last cycle TTC" with our immune meds... 4 months, 3 weeks and 1 day since my last ever  methotrexate injection for our 3rd ectopic... 1 Month and 3 days since our last loss, our 4th ectopic, that look my right tube... Two days since our memorial/balloon release/candle lighting... How much time will it take for me to "get over" losing so many of my precious amazing babies?....Forever...

Here are a few snaps of our balloon release....Candle lighting pics soon to follow...

Today as we Honor All babies gone too soon, I am especially remembering OUR angels.... Because we have had SO many losses, I find that trying to keep up with "should have been" EDD's or loss dates, since I have one for every month, sometimes, two in a months from years past etc...So, I choose to Honor them ALL on ONE day. I have my candles ready to light...One for each baby... And, I have all the balloons ready to be filled, and our letters written and sealed in a small plastic baggy to keep safe (also left links to Blog in case someone finds a set of the balloons) all the special messages that we want the "Angels" to carry up to our angel babies...The kids are the ones most excited for the balloon release...They have each written a letter and drawn a picture to one of the babies we have lost, and have been asking all day "how much longer until we can let them all go!?"... I plan to release balloons around 6:30, and candle lighting, promptly...

Family- I don't talk a LOT about my family on here, due to so many readers being at a venerable place, with either infertility or pregnancy loss, so I try not to "brag" about my kids are "rag" on my husband (who, by the way is perfect ...lol)...I try to stay "on topic"  so to speak....But, This post gives me a chance to talk about my family....How we "came to be" and all that it took to get here, today. My Husband and I met the summer of 2003- But did not really become friends until the spring of 04 When I became roommates with his sister'. We knew of each other, because we both had similar "backgrounds" (We had, I guess you could call a set of years where we were on the wild side a bit more than most) but were both ( separately) trying to get our acts together and "do the right thing", and focus on getting our lives stable, ( I was recovering from a very abusive relationship, with a man who also happens to be my ...

Day 10: Beliefs- I am going to politely make this one shot and sweet...I believe life starts at conception, and that all of our angel babies are in the arms of our heavenly Father, dancing with Jesus in fields of gold, living in TOTAL peace and glory, until we meet again one day....I cannot wait for that day when we will finally be  reunited... Day 11: Emotional Triggers- Oh boy, this could be a whole chapter in a book all on it's own....There are SO, SO many triggers for women dealing with the loss of a child, it can sometimes be unbearable, making you wish you lived under a rock....MINE, are pregnant women, babies that are the same age as our angels would have been , certain songs, and scents...But usually my triggers are actually my own blessings, my own children, that trigger the pain attack...NOT intentionally of course, but in their innocence, I see just how jaded I really am....Just this morning, my son, age 7, said to me..."Mom, I really wish one of those babies...

There are so many, many songs that remind me of our angels... From songs that were popular and playing on the radio during the time of a loss, or songs specifically about loss that I have found on you tube, and even songs I have written myself to my babies.... I have a hard time trying to choose which ones to share , because each one is special, and has it's own story...But For this one I will choose the song, "In my daughter's eyes" by Martina McBride...It was always a fave of mine, and I would sing it when I was carrying Hannah...When she passed, it became very hard for me to listen/sing to...One day, I broke down and MADE myself sing it....It was 2 months since she has grown her wings and left us....I did it....I barely got through the song , but once I did and hit the "stop record" button, I cried a good healing cry, that I needed...Just two weeks later, we would conceive our Rainbow miracle, and last living child, a daughter, who's eyes sparkle l...

Well, I don't have any real special  or  specific "colors" that I associate with my angel babies, other than the generic  pink/blue awareness ribbon, which is a given... BUT, I do have a touching picture my 11 year old daughter "colored" for me in honor of my angels (the ones she knows about, has seen me go through etc)...I was a little taken back by this picture, as she handed it to me  just as I was exiting my room from a decent "cry fest" after learning I was having yet another ectopic ( this last one that took me tube)  and would probably need surgery...As I gazed at it, at first it made me so sad, seeing the many angels represented - specifically Hannah our 19 week loss, which my daughter remembers very well, as they ( the kids) were there the day we found out we lost her)....I hate that they have had to walk along side me/us  on this long hard road. NO  matter how hard I have tried to protect them from the harsh realitie...

Sunrise-  I love sunrises and sunsets...They always cause me to look to the heavens, and I always imagine my angels up there helping God "paint the sky"....It sounds silly, but it makes me smile, which I could always stand to do more of...I didn't have one from the morning of Oct 1st, as it was cloudy here, but I have another from the year before, just after one of our early losses....Saratoga springs, NY. Picture taken by me.     Identity-  Because we have had a mix of early and late losses, I will focus more on our late loss for this one...Our  baby girl we lost at 19 weeks along in 2008, was named Hannah...We had her name picked out before we even knew the gender....It was the ONLY one we could agree on...Hannah is Hebrew in origin and means Grace/favor...Because of the nature of our loss, I did not get to really "see" her, but I have a few ultrasound pics and of course, her foot prints...which I cherish so very much.  I wish I had the hea...

I am going to attempt to kind of catch up and keep up with this awesome project that Carly Marie put together ... It is a 31 day blog/picture challenge, where women from all over band together and remember their babies, talk about grief, and raise awareness, and finally, heal, just a little ... Sunrise: Just like last year, I thought it would be very meaningful for us all to capture the beginning of this journey and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world. I know depending on where you are and what climate you are in that there may not be a sunrise, but if you can still get to a window, snap a photo of the morning. When you share your photo online make sure you write what State/Country you are in and the time of the sunrise. It will be a wonderful way for us all to feel connected. 2. Identity: What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what wer...

I have noticed a few changes since surgery...Not sure if it has anything to do with anything, but I thought it was interesting.. One thing I noticed is ovulation it self, was not painful (4dpo today, post surgery)...which it previously was very painful,  for 2+ years...The other thing I noticed was that I am not cramping at all post ovulation...Normally I would start with cramps as early as 2 dpo all the way till AF starts...THIS cycle, nadda...It is a little strange...But I will take it!! Other than that...Not much going on...Just redoing some of the house decorating...paint touch up's and new curtains etc...maybe I'll post pics later. =)