Skip to main content

That sinking feeling...

Not really sure how to even start writing today...I just feel like I am in a funk, despite the awesome weekend I just had...

So me and DH and the kids took off up north to the Adirondack mountains in NY for a camp trip. It was the picture perfect weekend...80+ degrees, sunny, and awesome. We did so many things! Canoeing, and hiking, and swimming, and camp fires etc... For a little while I actually stopped thinking about TTC and the like...I Just enjoyed the time I had with my family, and met some new people who were in cabins close by. The kids had a fantastic time, and I thought to myself, it cannot get much better than this...


Then walks up...A lady, with a BRAND new 4 week old baby...who was born on my April 24th EDD for one of our angels...OUCH...Then to top it off, they named him Jonah, the name we were going to use if it was a boy etc...Double ouch....I actually did OK though! I did not cry and moved on, and just "let it go"....

It jolted me back into TTC mode...and I hurried to the potty to POAS...Of course BFN...But I was early, and glad to see the trigger was gone (and had been for the day before that as well). That was that...back to fun and games....

So we enjoy our last night there, with smores and goodies, and songs, and fun....


I get up Monday AM and have to pee super bad, and felt a little hopeful...so I broke down and grabbed the FRER...To my surprise, it was a light BFP! I was out of any other tests, so I could not wait to get home and see what a wondfo looked like...sure enough another faint line...and when I lined it up with my trigger progression, it was def darker!! I started to get a bit excited, still reserved, but a little excited...


I woke up today, expecting to see a little bit darker of a test, and it is BFN....both answer early result and wondfo...
Being that I am only 10m dpo, it could  be nothing, and may come back later...But even then, I just have that sinking feeling this is not our month...And even worse, I am feeling like I may finally be ready to give up...I am hurting so bad inside from all of this...I just cannot fathom being able to keep going on and on like this...
I want another baby so bad, but I long to rid myself of this pain, and bitterness, and anger, and despair...I just want it to end...



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

What you should know if you are considering a tubal reversal

Its been 8 years. 8 years since we took a trip to NC to see DR. Montieth in Chapel Hill. I remember being so excited. I had this picture in my head of how it was going to go during, and after it all. For those of you who don't know, I had my tubes tied in 2009, after the birth of my 3rd, directly following a traumatic still birth. It was a decision made out of fear and trauma, not an informed decision. I ended up having adverse health issues (PTLS) after, and was desperate to find a solution. I stumbled upon a private chat room with others also struggling. Several had gone for a reversal, and seemed to feel so MUCH better after. I had already seen my doctor umpteen times, and they offered no solutions, and insinuated it was "in my head".... I saw all of these ladies posting the day OF surgery saying that they felt relief! I was like, "Yes, this is it!!"... So we saved the 6 Grand, and went and did the reversal. I was PUMPED. I started a blog, YouTube video and F...

Lost for words...

I have been a funk...Not really much to say that has not already been said before..I feel like such a broken record....But I guess I should start somewhere, and give a little update of some kind... I have posted a few picture quotes that reflects some of how I am feeling, but I cannot seem to articulate MY feelings right now, in a personal way that is comprehensible to others, and doesn't make me look like an ungrateful bitch... I guess I will start off by saying, we had another chemical this last cycle...( + test's at 6/7 dpo- 9 dpo, (I tested early cause I almost threw up while socially smoking a cigg and having a drink with my friend and I didnt temp so I didn't know really where my cycle was for sure) and by 10 dpo tests had faded some, and AF came the NEXT day, even while still taking 800 mgs of progesterone supps (which I did start late at 7dpo, the day I got my first positive but none the less), giving me a whopping 10 day LP...=/ Here is one of my FRER's f...

Ok...I may be on to something....

I am scared to even get a little excited.... I want to be elated right now...I do...But all I can think of are the "what if's"....I am going to try and stay as positive as possible, and keep saying over and over..."My body WILL carry this baby to term, I will have a take home baby!" Here is a pic ( below) of the dried test progression