Tuesday, May 29, 2012

That sinking feeling...

Not really sure how to even start writing today...I just feel like I am in a funk, despite the awesome weekend I just had...

So me and DH and the kids took off up north to the Adirondack mountains in NY for a camp trip. It was the picture perfect weekend...80+ degrees, sunny, and awesome. We did so many things! Canoeing, and hiking, and swimming, and camp fires etc... For a little while I actually stopped thinking about TTC and the like...I Just enjoyed the time I had with my family, and met some new people who were in cabins close by. The kids had a fantastic time, and I thought to myself, it cannot get much better than this...


Then walks up...A lady, with a BRAND new 4 week old baby...who was born on my April 24th EDD for one of our angels...OUCH...Then to top it off, they named him Jonah, the name we were going to use if it was a boy etc...Double ouch....I actually did OK though! I did not cry and moved on, and just "let it go"....

It jolted me back into TTC mode...and I hurried to the potty to POAS...Of course BFN...But I was early, and glad to see the trigger was gone (and had been for the day before that as well). That was that...back to fun and games....

So we enjoy our last night there, with smores and goodies, and songs, and fun....


I get up Monday AM and have to pee super bad, and felt a little hopeful...so I broke down and grabbed the FRER...To my surprise, it was a light BFP! I was out of any other tests, so I could not wait to get home and see what a wondfo looked like...sure enough another faint line...and when I lined it up with my trigger progression, it was def darker!! I started to get a bit excited, still reserved, but a little excited...


I woke up today, expecting to see a little bit darker of a test, and it is BFN....both answer early result and wondfo...
Being that I am only 10m dpo, it could  be nothing, and may come back later...But even then, I just have that sinking feeling this is not our month...And even worse, I am feeling like I may finally be ready to give up...I am hurting so bad inside from all of this...I just cannot fathom being able to keep going on and on like this...
I want another baby so bad, but I long to rid myself of this pain, and bitterness, and anger, and despair...I just want it to end...



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