Purpose Driven Motherhood

Still testing positive... Still praying and hoping... I wish I could feel more joy, instead of fear and dread...I want to make myself  feel it, I want to convince myself this will be "it"..but I can't...  I just can't do it.... For now, I am taking it one MOMENT at a time...Trying to breathe in and out without panic....

I think we have lines fading back in!  I am not sure how to even feel... I will go for betas later this week, if they keep getting darker...

Not really sure how to even start writing today...I just feel like I am in a funk, despite the awesome weekend I just had... So me and DH and the kids took off up north to the Adirondack mountains in NY for a camp trip. It was the picture perfect weekend...80+ degrees, sunny, and awesome. We did so many things! Canoeing, and hiking, and swimming, and camp fires etc... For a little while I actually stopped thinking about TTC and the like...I Just enjoyed the time I had with my family, and met some new people who were in cabins close by. The kids had a fantastic time, and I thought to myself, it cannot get much better than this... Then walks up...A lady, with a BRAND new 4 week old baby...who was born on my April 24th EDD for one of our angels...OUCH...Then to top it off, they named him Jonah, the name we were going to use if it was a boy etc...Double ouch....I actually did OK though! I did not cry and moved on, and just "let it go".... It jolted me back into TTC mo...

It's that time of year! Time for my 'annual' pap and check up with the OBGYN!  How FUN! (insert sarcasm)....I cannot believe it has been a year since I last saw them, and they referred me to the RE... I would have bet you 500 bucks this time last year, that by now I would be either ready to POP, or well along in pregnancy showing off gener u/s's, and having regular visits with the OB for prenatal care (I am sure the OB had similar expectations)... NEVER, ever, in my wildest dreams, or nightmares would I have thought I would still be "here" going through this never ending cycle of TTC... Hopefully all goes well, and I am in and out of there fast...I hate having to wait and watch the 17 yr old  girls who's mother's just checked them out of school for a prenatal appt walk in and out with big ol bellies and ungrateful attitudes.....Or the brand new babies who come along with their mommies for the 6 week PP check up...I *should...

well, here we are... 4 dpo, and 6 days post trigger. The trigger is finally fading away, and I got my cross hairs yesterday! yay! Finally in that part of my cycle...The part where I start dreaming... I start hoping, and praying that this will be the "one"...That in 10 months, I will have a newborn to hold, and love and cuddle with. I try not to let myself go "there" too long...It starts to hurt after a while. I begin to think about how I "should" be holding my baby now...I should be posting 1 month baby pics on my facebook...I should be this and should be that...It never ends good once I go down that road....so I try to stay dreaming...and stay hopeful...But It is so hard. I face this battle inside myself....My soul cries out in desperation for this journey to be over.. My mind tells me to give up and be happy with what I have...My heart, it whispers to me, to keep trying, and keep hoping and keep believing...Keep trusting in God...So I listen to my ...

The two week wait that is.... 2 dpo today and 4 days past trigger! yay!! I have been testing out the trigger, and finally today it started to get lighter. The last 3 days It stayed about the same darkness...Now, hopefully in a few more days it will be gone, so that when I get my BFP ( like how I didn't say "maybe?" lol) I will know it is real! I am believing with all I have in me, that this will be our take home baby! I have always wanted a February baby. My EDD will be 2/9/13! Now to keep myself collective and calm...Which can be quite a feat being that I am taking like massive doses of hormone supplements! LOL!

OUCH! O pains like crazy this month...And right on track. started up about 7/8 pm...just about 36 hours post trigger. I am stoked . I hope all this new stuff/meds  helps!! I really want my take home baby...so many ladies are having their babies... I see even more that are due when I "should have been"...It really hurts...Waiting stinks.. Okay, back to being positive...This cycle  will go perfect...We will catch a eggy or two,and have a baby or two in 10 months!! =)

Well...here we go. Triggered this morning...Now, we BD like crazy for the next few days and pray for the best...For those wondering, I am not doing an IUI, Just timed intercourse and, we are just using the trigger to be sure the follies release at an appropriate time ( my surge tends to be rather sluggish so my mature follies sit there a bit longer than desired) and also provide some  support for the early part of the luteal phase, in hopes to prepare my body for a really good implantation should conception occur. As many of you know, I seem to GET pregnant fine, but staying that way is a struggle and we have NO idea why, so my RE is kind of throwing a bunch of stuff my way in a "can't hurt might help" mind frame...I am willing to give pretty much anything that is financially feasible a try. I will be testing out my trigger as long as I can...I will be leaving town next weekend for a camping trip, and will not be bringing my HPT's with me,,,can...

It came in the mail today!! whohooo!!! This cycle I will trigger with a 250mcg ovidrel  prefilled injection to "trigger" ovulation and it also helps with better luteal progesterone support.. I am hoping this in combo with the other new added meds will do the trick for us!! =) The only think that has me a bit worried is DH and I are planning a family camp trip for memorial weekend...which will put me at 7/8/9 dpo or so...On one hand it could be GOOD to get away and NOT obsess over pee sticks and trigger progressions...On  the other hand...I am worried I am going to feel like POOP because of all the hormones! I debated not triggering this cycle and just seeing how things go with the lovenox and  super progesterone...BUT I figure, why not just go all out...Go big or Go home! =)

I picked up my meds for this cycle... 78 bucks later...I am actually Blessed, it would have been at least 400-600 bucks had I not had decent insurance...Yikes!! The most expensive was the Edometrian, because there is no generic. I thought it would be "fun" to show you all exactly what I am taking...LOL... Here are all my regular vitamins and Chinese herbs, and my thyroid/metformin pills baby asprin and femara etc... And here is my Luteal Phase meds... Lovenox (generic) pre-filled injects (40mgs) 1 x a day Endometrian- 3x a day vaginally Prometrium 2x a day orally Estrace 1x a day orally. Yea....And this is NOTHING compared to those ladies dealing with IVF/Injects etc...Yikes...Medicated cycles are a whole new level of crazy...but whatever it takes to get that take home baby!! So this is what I will be doing this cycle...I will also do the modified  Antihistamine protocol. ( not shown in pics)...So even more pills to pop! ...

I go to my saline u/s appt, at the RE office and while I am waiting, I get a call from my DS's school...He has a fever, so I have to go pick him up. No biggie. But, after a 35 min drive one way to GET there to the RE, I was not turning around without getting the test done, since It had to be done today...Or I wait another month... I had them rush the appt, and they got me in and out pretty fast luckily. However, While they had me spread eagle, on the table doing the saline u/s...She says, "It looks as normal as they come...Text book, "perfect"". No issues at all"...She said she was sorry about everything that has been happening, and said in the 22 years of practice The head RE had been there,  and in the 10 years she has been there neither of them had/ have seen a case like mine at all... She said especially because I have 3 living children, but even more so, because I am so young. She said your ovaries are so beautiful, and young...we have establishe...

Those were the words that screamed out from the page as I read the "revisit summary" from the patient portal after my RE visit last week... It was almost as if everything thing else written on that page, just simply did not exist....I only saw... Habitual abort-er.... How could that be on MY chart?? How could that be what is defining me right now??  I almost got sick to my stomach as I sat there and read it, over, and over, and over again.... First of all. the term it self, almost implies that I CHOSE this...When I think of an abortion I think of it being a choice...THIS was NOT my choice...I never wanted this! I never asked for this!! Then add in the term habitual...Again...Almost implies I did this to myself...As if, over time I have this habit of aborting my babies... Now do not get me wrong..I KNOW this is a medical term..Just like "chemical pregnancy" is also a medical term...It does not change the fact that it makes me feel like total crap when I see...

Well, I think I may be shopping for a new acupuncturist... She was LATE ....AGAIN... My First appt with her, she was 45 mins late ( for my consult)...so I gave her a second chance, and went for treatment, and it went well, she was there and on time. So today I get there and there is another lady sitting out front who had been there 30 mins waiting, and come to find out ( from the  lady who runs the salon next door) this happens often..And then se says to me, as she is placing the pins..." This NEVER  happens! I am so sorry!" =/ This is one of my BIG pet peeves...Especially if I am paying you 75 bucks for 45 mins...yea I was no thrilled.... So today begins the search for another acupuncturist... Though, I do have to say, the herbs and accu has been working..I "feel" more activity and energy flowing so to speak, and I have more energy as well. I think some of it has  to do with the gluten free diet as well.  She said my pulse has improved, even in t...

 As I said in a previous post...My Acupuncturist  advised me to go on a Gluten free diet to reduce the inflammation in the body to lower NK cells that attak the  baby around implntation time etc..I was a bit worried about it...Not sure I could stick it out. But, I have found that going gluten free is not nearly as hard as I thought it would be! There are so many great GF options out there to replace what you might normally eat...I actually find this to be less of a sacrifice than going carb free all together...THAT does me in! But this is manageable for the most part....I will admit I have cheated like twice...BUT I am not going to beat myself up about it, I am going to let yesterday, stay in the past and let today be a NEW day. I will be steadfast in my desire to eat better and help my body heal. I will conquer today. I can do this! I have learned to really like rice again...So many ways to cook it and make it taste yummy and mix it wit...

I hate this part...The part where I have to make a decision to either try or not to try this month...Sounds simple enough..Right? Of course it is totally reasonable That I decide to take this month off and rest...After so many losses in a row...Granted this last one  most likely never even got  beyond 20 units in my blood...So I technically don't have to "wait" at all.. In fact they (the RE staff) encouraged me to take advantage of this cycle due to the saline ultrasound I am having on Thursday. One part of me says...I cannot possibly bear to TTC and face  another possible loss...The other side says, I need to try, because this one could be IT...It could be THE ONE...Our rainbow...The possibilities...Hope...Faith...The strength of the Lord...His unfailing LOVE, and prayers from so many beautiful women all over the world....They keep me going, and believing after all of this, that we WILL have a baby...We will see the rainbow after the storm... ...

Who have experienced the loss of a child/pregnancy... Today is  International Bereaved Mothers Day . My thoughts and prayers go out to all the women who have lost a dear little one, be it at 4 weeks gestation or 4 years of age...A loss is a loss...Regardless if you never held your little one, or only held them for a short time...You are still a mother... Still loving your precious little ones and honoring their memory and lives no matter how short it may have been...Today, I Honor the women who have endured...The women who are  Still Standing after it all...

I saw the reproductive endo today...Told Him about the recent Chemical from this cycle.....He  put a note in my chart and went about the visit... The rest  went OK I suppose. He of course pushed his special cleansing (insigniaX or something like that) stuff and IVF to me...But I made it clear again, I have no desire to pursue IVF, (for personal and financial reasons) and have done many cleanses over the years with good results, but not enough to make me believe I will get a take home baby from a bottle of herbs alone....I may break down and try the herb crap next month though if nothing happens. I think I need to let the Chinese herbs I will be starting work first and give them a full month or two before adding anything else.... We did agree on pumping up my progesterone supps in a effort to lower possible NK cells in the uterus and it quiets the immune response, so I will do two prometrium orally a day, and 3 endometrian caps a day vaginally.  We also agreed...