Monday, April 2, 2012

Stuck.

  I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't get dressed...I can't bare to leave the house...I can't even imagine a day without this pain...No matter what I do, or where I go, I see constant reminders of what should have been...What I don't have...That God promised me I would be blessed with...It just keeps being ripped away from me...I am stuck....I have no money to do the testing...No more money for a medicated/monitored cycle...Neither of which guarantee's me a take home baby....And, NO answers!

I really thought I would bounce back and come out this with the same determination I had the last 7 times....But This time I just can't do it. I can't even enjoy my family here and now, cause I am so down right angry and depressed, hurt, and sad...Confused and lost.

What am I supposed to do!!? How on earth am I supposed to come out of this?
I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel...And I am just too tired to keep walking and trying with no end in sight...I hate being stuck...I keep screaming for God to do SOMETHING!! But every hour on the hour, it seems like I am over come by the memories...Flash backs come zooming back...The I muster the strength to smile for my family, and pretend I am "OK"...Then I log on to facebook to see yet another announcement...and another ultrasoundpic...And even more complaining chicks, going on and on about how horrible pregnancy is...And blah blah blah....I would give my right arm right now to have that...But it does not work that way....NO crack heads who would rather shoot up than be a mother get to have babies on top of babies all being taken care of by the system...And yet, I lose mine...

My heart goes out to all the women enduring this pain...I would not wish this on my worst enemy...

God please help me...

3 comments:

  1. Megz

    I followed your latest pregnancy on FF. I was heartbroken the weekend I logged on to see that you had another devastating loss. I followed you because my beta numbers were similar to yours..even lower. I am still pregnant (only 6 wks today), but my numbers are still rising very very slowly. I had a dark moment last week praying for God to give me HOPE... just something. I went into my bedroom and my bible was on my dresser. In tears I opened it randomly and it was already underlined and highlighted.. Luke 1:37 "For NOTHING is impossible with God." Those words are found in several places in the bible. But this passage alone is referring to 2 IMPOSSIBLE pregnancies.

    A day hasnt gone by since your loss that I havent thought about you. I believe with all of my heart that this scripture is for you too... A word from God to give you HOPE. He doesnt look at stats or science or circumstances.. His specialty is in the IMPOSSIBLE. Believe HIM. He's the one who gave you this desire. Trust HIM and have hope today. Through the pain of your testimony He will be glorified.

    I am praying for you and I know that God is working mightly on your behalf though your heart is heavy with grief. Give your body a chance to heal.. and rest in this hope. Hebrews 10:23.

    Tricia

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  2. Thank you so very much!!! I am trying my darndest to hang on with dear life to the HOPE that God is bigger and greater than any mountain in my way...<3

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  3. Everything you wrote.. I feel, have felt or will feel again. sucks big time. I have no live children. Ive had 3 losses in 6 months. I agree the feeling should be called stuck. i hate that you feel it, and i hate that i know the feeling.

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