Sunday, April 15, 2012

::sigh:::

After a really LONG day...I finally have a few mins to sit and sift through my thoughts...which are rather scattered and at the moment....Bare with me.

 How am I going to get through the next few months while TTC?...Also, what on earth am I going to do once I actually GET pregnant and STAY that way??

 I certainly do not want live the entire time in FEAR and anxiety, always worried about what may or may not happen...I did that with my Daughter Kaitlyn's pregnancy...I was constantly worried and so anxious. Actually I have lived a great deal of my life dealing with fear of some kind...That's a whole other story. Regardless, the losses have taken away so much JOY from pregnancy...
 I know That I will always have some measure of pessimism because of all I have experienced...Or maybe It would be a lack of innocence? which ever way you prefer, I know I will experience it to some degree...BUT I want to enjoy it, and have peace...I want to be still inside....

I got some advice today...By someone I love dearly and respect a lot.... It was as simple as "take a break for a year, and heal"....Sounds REALLY simple, and feasible, and reasonable even...But I cannot fathom walking away from this journey...

No, not yet. I began this Journey because of what God did for me, and through me, time and time again, to confirm to me, this is what I am supposed to do...I cannot give up. No matter how reasonable it may sound to sit back on the side lines and try to forget about it all.....I feel like taking a "break" is giving up...I feel Like I need to give it one more shot, and if then, it does not work out...I will re evaluate where I am at...

Then I go back and forth in my head...wondering, if maybe I am just diluted and going insane...trying again and again expecting a different result...maybe I should let go, and just forget about it....

But then my heart screams...
"NO!....NOT yet"....and then hope whispers..."Try one more time"....

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