Purpose Driven Motherhood

......Spotting/bleeding and side pain this morning, even despite having  a darker test...Those, combined with low betas for the DPO and super low progesterone...I already know what that means... Another damn ectopic ....I mean really!? I have to have one more beta to confirm with a P4 on sat- But with the bleeding and  my history of the two previous ectopics which presented much like this one, it looks like I am in for another round of methotrexate...Ugh...I am so tired and worn from all of this...Just when I don't think I can take much more, Life throws another pile of crap my way... Oh and I got a "nice email" from Braverman's office informing me I will no longer receive care from them unless I pay a 2000 first trimester monitoring fee....For a pregnancy that isnt even viable!!??? I shot back a semi peeved mail about it, and then Judy ( the financial lady) CALLED me to tell me they are pulling all my RX's and wont read my lab work!!?? Braverman didnt even hav...

Today's follow up beta was interesting- HCG went up to 22?...Progesterone is still low...at 2.91- was 5 the other day....They want me to repeat again sat and up my progesterone dose...I guess they are being optimistic...I know better...This is def not good...beta of only 22 on 17 dpo  with low progesterone...After having days of positive tests...I have been through this same song and dance and both times it ended with shots of methotrexate, so I am reallllyyyyy praying things just take care of themselves before the week is over....If I have to stand in Church sunday next to the lady who just had a baby the same time I should have had my May angel baby, and still be in this limbo with a semi dead baby, possibly lodged in my tube, I am gonna lose it...

I've had questions without answers  I've known sorrow, I have known pain  But there's one thing that I cling to  You are faithful, Jesus You're true  When hope is lost  I call You Saviour  When pain surrounds  I call You Healer  When silence falls  You'll be the song within my heart  In the lone hour of my sorrow  Through the darkest night of my soul  You surround me, You sustain me  My defender for ever more  When hope is lost  I call You Saviour  When pain surrounds  I call You Healer  When silence falls  You'll be the song within my heart  And I will praise You  I will Praise You  When the tears fall  Still I will sing to You  I will praise You  Jesus praise You  Through the suffering  Still I will sing to You  When hope is lost  I call You Saviour  When pain surrounds  I call You Healer  ...

My hopes are crushed... HCG was 8.... Dr. B said that it does not look viable at this point- I repeat my quant on thursday just to be sure- crushed.

...........Has officially started- Got my lab req for my Quant Beta and P4...I go in at around 1 pm for a draw- Hopefully I will get results by the time the office closes....I reallllyyyyy HATE this part...The waiting, and wondering if it will double or is high enough etc...I want to say that today, I am just enjoying being pregnant, but I will be honest...Really, I am just scared as heck, and want to fast forward past the next few weeks... =/

I can get excited!!!! I am pregnant!!!!!!!!! I have NO idea how this is going to turn out, but I am praying with all I have this is our take home baby!!!! I am taking it one day at a time, and I am going to enjoy each moment. This life is a gift, and I am so very thankful!!!!!! Here is a peek at the BFP chart! =) Beta's start tomorrow!!!!!!

tests today are a smidge darker- if things keep progressing, I will go in for a beta tuesday!!!

welp lines are still there! still really light though...I don't know if the prednisone made me retain water or what, but I have not even drank much and my urine is like wayyyyy clear- and I cant hold more than 2 hours without feeling like I might bust- so thats why I am probably not seeing much progression this morning...Hopefully later today will be better... Update****** Looks like things are still going ok...Not quite as dark as I would like to see, BUT, still there!! 

They are faint- but a smidge darker this morning! I realllllyyyy HOPE and pray this is IT!

Lines are def coming back now...I am feeling pretty good about it- staying as positive as I can considering my history...I know you are all dying for pics etc- but I am beat and am too tired to make this post any longer- I will post an update tomorrow! 

Tests today were BFN, both FRER and wondfo with FMU...Musta just been the trigger screwing with me yesterday... I know it is still early, but I just feel soooo "out" already. I don't have any of my usual pregnancy symptoms I get with my other losses...Which is so strange considering my progesterone was so high even on 7 dpo....I guess we will have to see what the next couple days brings...

Today is 8 days past trigger- and 6/7 dpo. Feeling suuuuuuuuper TIRED! That could be due to being awake every 2 hours with the puppy, and the combo of massive amounts of progesterone..lol... Tests today still have a faint line...I went looking through my book and all my other trigger cycles, my wondfo was like non existent on 8 days past- even when tweaked- This could be a better batch of tests though, so that could be the difference...Regardless, here is a snap shot of the regression//hopeful progression. Here is my chart- Temps really high and pretty stable-  Here is the link to my home page, in case anyone wants to stalk my stats after the fact MY CHART All in all, I am feeling pretty positive still....Having my new furbaby here to love on has distracted me a great deal! I am very grateful to have here here with us...She literally is PERFECT... Here is a little pic of her sleeping! lol =) Only two accidents in the house yesterd...

We are home with our new Furbaby!! Say hello to Miss Molly!!

This post is going to be kind of "all over the place".  I am in a strange kind of mood where I cannot focus very well. I think the prednisone is kind of giving me a attitude- Anyway, 6 days past trigger today, and 4 dpo, with O date being May 13th- per FF. I was going to manually override for O on the 12th, but honestly, I don't care...it was somewhere in the middle of the two of those days- LOL Feeling pretty good the last couple days- VERY crampy/pinchy around the ovaries etc- but all in all good- DH might disagree- He says I have been "testy" and "snippy"- ehh- maybe? ;) In other news.... We are adopting a puppy!!! After looking for the last 6 weeks- We finally found the one we want, and we go to pick her up tomorrow morning!!! We are soooo thrilled and over the moon excited!! A Furbaby to love and cuddle!  Her name is Molly- She is a beagle/feist mix- Here she is in a video- she is the lighter one of the two! Hubby and the kids ...

Nothing to report...Just waiting... Tests are as follows: 1dpt 2dpt 3dpt 4dpt 5dpt

Soooooo NICE to finally be in the TWW! I hate waiting to ovulate, and especially when it takes 27/28 freaking days to do so! =/ Feeling pretty good today- positive, and confident about our BD coverage...starting to get post O symptoms which is good, makes me believe those follies had eggs that released, so yay! Here is my trigger pics for today- Tests go like this: Top- 12 hrs post trig 2nd- 1 day past trig 3rd- 2 days past trig 4th- 3 days past trig Its starting to fade  out now- which is about normal for me...Hopefully it wont go totally away, and just swing right into a blaring BFP in about 8 days!! =) Oh yea, and I am not starting my progesterone till 5 dpo this time...Braverman said that starting it too early can swing the lining into being too luteal too soon, and cause issues with implantation...Which I thought was interesting to hear, but so totally different than the typical RE/OB protocols for progesterone supplementation in IVF/IUI an...

OK! Here we go! Ovulation should have taken place anywhere from last night around 9pm to right now...I am def feeling the residuals of O pains...Realllyyyyy glad to be in the TWW finally, even if it is the day (cycle day freaking 28!) I should be testing, instead of O'ing! UGH! Trigger pic below- Ugly chart AND................. One of my blogger friends challenged me to post a belly pic for those wondering what we go through when we do lovenox etc... OK- GRAPHIC IMAGES AHEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ugly lovenox/inject bruised belly ( forgive the stretch marks etc)- this is only after a few days....If we get a sticky, I will be on Lovenox for 36 weeks- My butt looks similar after 2 weeks of PIO injects too...lol

Today is trigger day! I am trying to be as positive as possible, since I am feeling so out of control here with this cycle and how everything is working out...::deep breath:: so much riding on this month! ugh.... Ok- so here is a pic of the injects I will do today ( PIO not included- Dr. B wants me to wait till 5 dpo to start progesterone) Fun, fun, right?! My belly is already starting to look like a battle zone from the lovenox- lol I wont even dare disgust you with pics of that! LOL Ok- so, this is it...No turning back now...Please God, let us have a miracle!

Was just looking at my silly backwards chart....NO idea why  my temps were so high at the beginning of this cycle- =/ I am soooooo looking forward to triggering and getting a move on with this cycle! I have a feeling my follicles are playing catch up today  cause I have some nasty O type pain...No + OPK, but def some ovary pain action..... Here is my fugly chart... Trigger tomorrow eve!

OK- so the plan is to monitor OPK's and if I do not ovulate on my own before sat eve- I am to trigger with the pregnyl, 10,000 IU HCG inject. Then start the rest of my immune meds etc...I sure hope this works...I am soooo "over" this cycle- and TTC and all of this crap....My nerves are shot... =/

Ugh- I dunno what I was expecting, but certainly not a measly 16mm and a 12 mm follicle after 7 more days of stims...::sigh:: endo lining is almost 11, which is good- But man, all that follistim, and not even one effin mature follicle!!!!! ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Labs: E2- 93 Lh- 7.41 Prog- 0.2 I am waiting on labs and the word form DR. B about what to do next- I don't know what he is going to do...But I am soooooo frustrated about this month!!!!!!!!!! =(

Sitting here- Hoping and praying the needles jabs I have been giving myself are working...I reallllyyyy NEED to have some good follies to look at tomorrow!!!!!

Mother’s Day Manifesto This is my path. It was not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk mindfully with intention. It is a journey through grief that takes time. Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. I may be impatient, distracted, frustrating, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won’t smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing. But please, just sit beside me. Say nothing. Do not offer a cure. Or a pill, or a word, or a potion. Witness my suffering and don't turn away from me. Please be gentle with me. Please, self, be gentle with me, too . I will not ever "get over it" so please don’t urge me down that path. Even if it seems like I am having a good day, maybe I am even able to smile for a moment, the pain is just beneath the surface of my skin. Some days, I feel paralyzed. My chest has a nearly ...

So I can't be TOTALLY sure- BUT, we went out to TGIFriday's and had a few appetizers and drinks- I was the only one who ate the shrimp on the platter thingy- (and only one to get sick) and I have never in my life, had the kind of pain I had yesterday, with a virus...I mean, it was like balls of fire with barbed wire on them rolling in my insides, followed by violent vomiting- Back to the land of the living today, but ohhh man- I would not wish that on my worst enemy! That was rough! Thursday- 7:30 am- I go for clinic to get blood and u/s done- REALLLYYY praying we have some activity in there- I am getting so weary of this cycle! =/

  Today, I start the second round of femara for this cycle, (since I did not respond well previously this cycle) and will be adding along with it, the follistim (FSH injects) to hopefully kick my ovaries into gear here and make some viable eggies to pop out...   I have not done any stim injects before- clomid and femara are the strongest ovulation inducing meds  have ever taken, so this is a whole new level of crazy, along with the ever crazier and crazier immune protocols.... OK here we go!! I am about to look like miss blueberry in the movie willy wonka chocolate factory with all the bloating that ensues with these stims...It better be worth it!!!

So, Braverman just wants to swing right into another 5 day stim with 5 mgs femara and add in follitisim 150 IU every other day for 4 days as well while on the femara, and go back for another ultrasound in a week...Trying to work on getting the meds ASAP- =/ would have been nice to just had my body play along this month instead of having to force it to do what it needs to.... Edited to add: Insurance covered my folltism for 40 bucks!!! yay!!!!!!!! That is some good news finally!! =) I start the new round of stims tomorrow!

OK- so I go to my scan this morning....Good news, Lining is 7.8... Bad news... The two other follicles they saw are now gone, and the lead ( 14 mm they saw monday)  Is now either gone/released ( though I had NO O signs), or got smaller and is only a 12/13 mm? WTF!! I am livid!! I don't get it! My body is being soooo stupid this month!!! I think they may cancel my cycle, and I don't even know if the cycle fee I paid will be able to transfer to next month or not! I just want to cry right now!!! Why does this whole week have to suck!!??? =( Edited to add: I was informed my fee will roll over- But I wont be exempt from having to pay the monitoring fees for the last 3 visits with my local RE- =/ Waiting on blood work to see what to do with this cycle... Man this sucks...

Just looking through our "for our rainbow baby" box...Trying to amp myself up and get positive again....Grasping at some hope...I bought something new the other day, on impulse...I was in such a rush to get out of that baby section before I backed out and told myself I was dumb for even looking, I didn't even realize It was a two pack, until I got home.. ...Hoping in less than a year, I will have a little bundle to wear these....(cute little hats/mittens, shown in front of my vision board)