Skip to main content

Not ok

Image
By
I am not OK...
This is NOT ok...
Nothing about any of the last 2 years of my life has been "ok"...

Some days, I do a realllllyyyyy GOOD job at pretending everything is "ok", but the truth is...It is NOT...Not at all...

Yesterday, as I was starting to really think about how risky all this immune treatment stuff is...I was pondering what I would do if this doesn't "work"...How will I feel, what will I do? How will I move forward??...I didn't get too far into this thought process before I was spinning in circles, half crying, feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless...We really only have ONE shot at this to make it happen before we run our of money for this stuff...It sets the term "putting your eggs all in one basket" in a whole new light...ugh...

In the midst of that whirlwind of thoughts swirling in my head...I was informed my sister in law, who just got married not long ago, is pregnant... Now, I LOVE my SIL with everything I have, and I was generally happy for her...I reallllyyy, realllly am....But, Inside, I just screamed, and cried...I was not mad they got blessed..I want them to have the blessing of babies too, more than anything....BUT......My heart ached for US, for  the pain both my husband and I have walked through...... It ached for all my angel babies...It just ached sooooo bad knowing that even WITH the help of Dr. B, this wont be a easy road...I need to be ready for that, and I just hate it...I want the HARD parts to be over with...I want to reach the other side of this valley of shadow of death...I want to rejoice in the blessing of new life without fear...I just don't think I will ever get that again...I hate that this whole process has robbed me of so much....I hate that I cringe everytime I get a text or a message or hear a phrase similar to - "hey I have good news"--I instantly think "pregnant", and plan how I am going to play off my tears or pretend to be elated for them...Then, In the next moment, feel like such a asshat for even feeling upset, when I have beautiful children already...Ugh, the circles I run in...Sorry for my bipolar TTC blog....One day I am ok, one day I am not...UGH - The "joys" of this journey....Anyway...

I spent a considerable amount of time feeling sorry for myself yesterday afternoon...Then one after another...More announcements rolled later in the day...And MORE today...I keep seeing pics of babies that would be as old as some of our angles right now...I should  have a 1 year old, and a 9 month old etc etc etc...Constant reminders alllllll over the place...Then the stress of all this cycling and money....

Needless to say, I am in a funk, and feeling pretty low...I am just not OK right now...I am not sure I will ever be "ok"....The last two years have really ripped me into bits...


Please God,I need you now....

Comments

  1. Suzanne April 15, 2013 at 8:59 AM

    I'm sorry you're in a funk. I know how hard and difficult this is and continues to be. There are so many ups and downs. You get excited about a treatment, then you are hit with realities. I still believe this can work for you...so don't give up hope.

    Hang in there!! xo

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Thanks for any and all comments,

Popular posts from this blog

What you should know if you are considering a tubal reversal

By
Its been 8 years. 8 years since we took a trip to NC to see DR. Montieth in Chapel Hill. I remember being so excited. I had this picture in my head of how it was going to go during, and after it all. For those of you who don't know, I had my tubes tied in 2009, after the birth of my 3rd, directly following a traumatic still birth. It was a decision made out of fear and trauma, not an informed decision. I ended up having adverse health issues (PTLS) after, and was desperate to find a solution. I stumbled upon a private chat room with others also struggling. Several had gone for a reversal, and seemed to feel so MUCH better after. I had already seen my doctor umpteen times, and they offered no solutions, and insinuated it was "in my head".... I saw all of these ladies posting the day OF surgery saying that they felt relief! I was like, "Yes, this is it!!"... So we saved the 6 Grand, and went and did the reversal. I was PUMPED. I started a blog, YouTube video and F...
1 comment
Read more

Some statistics on Miscarriage

By
Miscarriage Statistics Overall miscarriage risk is 17-22%; risk after gestational sac is visible is 12-15% Miscarriage is one of the most frequent problems in human pregnancy. The most widely accepted definition is that proposed by the World Health Organization in 1977. The incidence among clinical pregnancies  (a pregnancy that is confirmed by both high levels of hCG and ultrasound confirmation of a gestational sac)  is about 12-15%, but including early pregnancy losses it is 17-22%. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11950476 After heartbeat is detected, risk of miscarriage is 9.4% at 6wks; 4.2% at 7wks; 1.5% at 8wks; 0.5% at 9wks To estimate the risk of miscarriage among asymptomatic women after a prenatal visit between 6 and 11 weeks of gestation where proof of fetal viability of a singleton was obtained by office ultrasonography at the same visit. METHODS: Those recruited were 697 asymptomatic women who attended their first antenatal ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Trust & New Pajamas

By
So, a blog comment I got the other day from wonderful woman, and awesome supporter of mine, caused me to pause a bit, and kind of evaluate some things about my faith and relationship with God. Which I truly appreciate, because she was kind and not judgy in her words...And I felt God gently nudge my heart each time I read the comment over... I felt my face start to burn with emotion, as tears welled up in my eyes...And I finally admitted to myself... I do NOT trust God...At least not fully, like I once did... But I desperately WANT to be at that point again....Trusting fully...And filled with peace... I walked into this journey,  to try for one more, 100% SURE , God was calling us/giving us the desire  to have another baby...I/we were, 100% certain we would walk away with a baby in our arms...As a matter of fact, I would have bet my LIFE on it. Now, 3 years later, I am broken, weary, and so utterly soul shattered, that I simply cannot "look" God in the eyes...H...
10 comments
Read more