Sunday, April 14, 2013

Not ok

I am not OK...
This is NOT ok...
Nothing about any of the last 2 years of my life has been "ok"...

Some days, I do a realllllyyyyy GOOD job at pretending everything is "ok", but the truth is...It is NOT...Not at all...

Yesterday, as I was starting to really think about how risky all this immune treatment stuff is...I was pondering what I would do if this doesn't "work"...How will I feel, what will I do? How will I move forward??...I didn't get too far into this thought process before I was spinning in circles, half crying, feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless...We really only have ONE shot at this to make it happen before we run our of money for this stuff...It sets the term "putting your eggs all in one basket" in a whole new light...ugh...

In the midst of that whirlwind of thoughts swirling in my head...I was informed my sister in law, who just got married not long ago, is pregnant... Now, I LOVE my SIL with everything I have, and I was generally happy for her...I reallllyyy, realllly am....But, Inside, I just screamed, and cried...I was not mad they got blessed..I want them to have the blessing of babies too, more than anything....BUT......My heart ached for US, for  the pain both my husband and I have walked through...... It ached for all my angel babies...It just ached sooooo bad knowing that even WITH the help of Dr. B, this wont be a easy road...I need to be ready for that, and I just hate it...I want the HARD parts to be over with...I want to reach the other side of this valley of shadow of death...I want to rejoice in the blessing of new life without fear...I just don't think I will ever get that again...I hate that this whole process has robbed me of so much....I hate that I cringe everytime I get a text or a message or hear a phrase similar to - "hey I have good news"--I instantly think "pregnant", and plan how I am going to play off my tears or pretend to be elated for them...Then, In the next moment, feel like such a asshat for even feeling upset, when I have beautiful children already...Ugh, the circles I run in...Sorry for my bipolar TTC blog....One day I am ok, one day I am not...UGH - The "joys" of this journey....Anyway...

I spent a considerable amount of time feeling sorry for myself yesterday afternoon...Then one after another...More announcements rolled later in the day...And MORE today...I keep seeing pics of babies that would be as old as some of our angles right now...I should  have a 1 year old, and a 9 month old etc etc etc...Constant reminders alllllll over the place...Then the stress of all this cycling and money....

Needless to say, I am in a funk, and feeling pretty low...I am just not OK right now...I am not sure I will ever be "ok"....The last two years have really ripped me into bits...


Please God,I need you now....

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you're in a funk. I know how hard and difficult this is and continues to be. There are so many ups and downs. You get excited about a treatment, then you are hit with realities. I still believe this can work for you...so don't give up hope.

    Hang in there!! xo

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