Skip to main content

Not ok

I am not OK...
This is NOT ok...
Nothing about any of the last 2 years of my life has been "ok"...

Some days, I do a realllllyyyyy GOOD job at pretending everything is "ok", but the truth is...It is NOT...Not at all...

Yesterday, as I was starting to really think about how risky all this immune treatment stuff is...I was pondering what I would do if this doesn't "work"...How will I feel, what will I do? How will I move forward??...I didn't get too far into this thought process before I was spinning in circles, half crying, feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless...We really only have ONE shot at this to make it happen before we run our of money for this stuff...It sets the term "putting your eggs all in one basket" in a whole new light...ugh...

In the midst of that whirlwind of thoughts swirling in my head...I was informed my sister in law, who just got married not long ago, is pregnant... Now, I LOVE my SIL with everything I have, and I was generally happy for her...I reallllyyy, realllly am....But, Inside, I just screamed, and cried...I was not mad they got blessed..I want them to have the blessing of babies too, more than anything....BUT......My heart ached for US, for  the pain both my husband and I have walked through...... It ached for all my angel babies...It just ached sooooo bad knowing that even WITH the help of Dr. B, this wont be a easy road...I need to be ready for that, and I just hate it...I want the HARD parts to be over with...I want to reach the other side of this valley of shadow of death...I want to rejoice in the blessing of new life without fear...I just don't think I will ever get that again...I hate that this whole process has robbed me of so much....I hate that I cringe everytime I get a text or a message or hear a phrase similar to - "hey I have good news"--I instantly think "pregnant", and plan how I am going to play off my tears or pretend to be elated for them...Then, In the next moment, feel like such a asshat for even feeling upset, when I have beautiful children already...Ugh, the circles I run in...Sorry for my bipolar TTC blog....One day I am ok, one day I am not...UGH - The "joys" of this journey....Anyway...

I spent a considerable amount of time feeling sorry for myself yesterday afternoon...Then one after another...More announcements rolled later in the day...And MORE today...I keep seeing pics of babies that would be as old as some of our angles right now...I should  have a 1 year old, and a 9 month old etc etc etc...Constant reminders alllllll over the place...Then the stress of all this cycling and money....

Needless to say, I am in a funk, and feeling pretty low...I am just not OK right now...I am not sure I will ever be "ok"....The last two years have really ripped me into bits...


Please God,I need you now....

Comments

  1. I'm sorry you're in a funk. I know how hard and difficult this is and continues to be. There are so many ups and downs. You get excited about a treatment, then you are hit with realities. I still believe this can work for you...so don't give up hope.

    Hang in there!! xo

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Thanks for any and all comments,

Popular posts from this blog

What you should know if you are considering a tubal reversal

Its been 8 years. 8 years since we took a trip to NC to see DR. Montieth in Chapel Hill. I remember being so excited. I had this picture in my head of how it was going to go during, and after it all. For those of you who don't know, I had my tubes tied in 2009, after the birth of my 3rd, directly following a traumatic still birth. It was a decision made out of fear and trauma, not an informed decision. I ended up having adverse health issues (PTLS) after, and was desperate to find a solution. I stumbled upon a private chat room with others also struggling. Several had gone for a reversal, and seemed to feel so MUCH better after. I had already seen my doctor umpteen times, and they offered no solutions, and insinuated it was "in my head".... I saw all of these ladies posting the day OF surgery saying that they felt relief! I was like, "Yes, this is it!!"... So we saved the 6 Grand, and went and did the reversal. I was PUMPED. I started a blog, YouTube video and F...

Lost for words...

I have been a funk...Not really much to say that has not already been said before..I feel like such a broken record....But I guess I should start somewhere, and give a little update of some kind... I have posted a few picture quotes that reflects some of how I am feeling, but I cannot seem to articulate MY feelings right now, in a personal way that is comprehensible to others, and doesn't make me look like an ungrateful bitch... I guess I will start off by saying, we had another chemical this last cycle...( + test's at 6/7 dpo- 9 dpo, (I tested early cause I almost threw up while socially smoking a cigg and having a drink with my friend and I didnt temp so I didn't know really where my cycle was for sure) and by 10 dpo tests had faded some, and AF came the NEXT day, even while still taking 800 mgs of progesterone supps (which I did start late at 7dpo, the day I got my first positive but none the less), giving me a whopping 10 day LP...=/ Here is one of my FRER's f...

Ok...I may be on to something....

I am scared to even get a little excited.... I want to be elated right now...I do...But all I can think of are the "what if's"....I am going to try and stay as positive as possible, and keep saying over and over..."My body WILL carry this baby to term, I will have a take home baby!" Here is a pic ( below) of the dried test progression