Thursday, April 18, 2013

Neutral

I am trying to stay as emotionally neutral, and realistic while TTC this cycle...I know that will be MUCH easier to accomplish during the first half of this cycle, VS the latter half...It always seems to work out that way. I know this cycle holds MUCH better chances for us to have a take home baby, than any of the other cycles we have ever done in the last 2 years...But, I am just soooooo scared of how I will feel and what I will do, should this NOT be "the cycle" that brings us our rainbow...It literally is the most paralyzing feeling...I almost have to force myself to take my meds and get "into it" this month, because I am just so nervous...

I remember how I felt after the 2nd intralipid cycle didn't work...I was sooooo crushed, and depressed, and felt so empty and totally broken....I went into the start of that cycle feeling like that was going to be "it", and when it didn't work, and we HAD to move on to seeing Braverman, it was such a punch in the gut...Still, I feel like this time, would be even worse, since there is no "next step"...There will be no more specialists to see or treatments to try...It will be checkmate, game over, for us, and that scares me...

I wish I could throw myself totally at this cycle with un abandoned hope and faith...If this is one of our last, I feel like I "should" give it everything I have, and really throw all caution to the wind- even at the risk of a major crash and burn at the end...But I have been there and done that, and the fallout was very hard to pick myself up out of...

Part of me thinks being so "realistic" is really just disguised cynicism and doubt...But then I am reminded, even Braverman said, "be prepared for this to not happen the first or second try- It could, but it might not..." Some might think thats a bit grim to say to someone, but I appreciate the realism and honesty.

Anyway- Here is to me staying as calm, collective, and as neutral as possible, yet, somehow, hopeful for the rest of this month!

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