Skip to main content

International Bereaved Mother's Day

May has always been a hard month for me...It comes right after the passing of my father ( April 28th 2004- also the day I found out I was pregnant with Hannah in 2008) and Holds a lot of dates that are triggers for me...One being....Mother's Day...

Ever since we lost Hannah, at 19 weeks in 2008, I have struggled with Mother's day. Now, nearly 6 years later, and I struggle even more...Especially since we have two "should have been" due dates on Mothers day, two years in a row.... I should have been due LAST Mother's day with a rainbow baby (our first  ectopic)...And THIS Mother's day marks our last "should be EDD" from our last "documented"(as in not a chemical, and in my medical records) pregnancy, our last, and 4th ectopic (the 8th documented loss in 3 years) that required the removal of my right tube....

Also to add insult to injury, AF also just happens to be due on mother's day this year for me too, and even though we are NOT TTC, getting AF every month just reminds me that we have everything we "need" to make a baby (sperm, eggs etc) but, my immune system is out of control, and kills my babies, and there is NOTHING I can do to stop it short of paying 30 grand...It makes my heart ache to know I can't protect and keep my own babies safe in my own body which was made to protect them...I feel like I fail at being a "mother"...


To say that Mother's Day leaves me raw with emotion would be a understatement...Which is why I am SOOOOOO thankful Carly marie and friends started up International Bereaved Mother's day....It was surprising to me at first, to find out the origins of the Mother's day we celebrate today, and then disgusting to see how mass marketing has turned it into more of a tacky retail holiday than anything...

What I love about International Bereaved Mother's Day, is that I have a day where I can FULLY honor (not half heartedly, as to not offend the  glitter poopers who think loss cannot be celebrated and honored with life too) my babies who thrive only in my heart and dance in the heavens...I get to Honor the fact that I am STILL their mother, even if no one else remembers them...At least they know I remember them every day, and that they can be celebrated  as my children...That brings me a little bit of comfort.

This Sunday, and even the sunday after that, I am going to TRY to focus all the energy I have into Honoring the life my little babies did have, (however brief) and hold them close in my heart. I am also going to Honor ALL of the mothers out there struggling this year, because I know I am not in the minority with this...Because 1 in 6 women will experience the loss of a child at least one in their lifetime...Hugz to all my loss mommas out there...



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

What you should know if you are considering a tubal reversal

Its been 8 years. 8 years since we took a trip to NC to see DR. Montieth in Chapel Hill. I remember being so excited. I had this picture in my head of how it was going to go during, and after it all. For those of you who don't know, I had my tubes tied in 2009, after the birth of my 3rd, directly following a traumatic still birth. It was a decision made out of fear and trauma, not an informed decision. I ended up having adverse health issues (PTLS) after, and was desperate to find a solution. I stumbled upon a private chat room with others also struggling. Several had gone for a reversal, and seemed to feel so MUCH better after. I had already seen my doctor umpteen times, and they offered no solutions, and insinuated it was "in my head".... I saw all of these ladies posting the day OF surgery saying that they felt relief! I was like, "Yes, this is it!!"... So we saved the 6 Grand, and went and did the reversal. I was PUMPED. I started a blog, YouTube video and F

Some statistics on Miscarriage

Miscarriage Statistics Overall miscarriage risk is 17-22%; risk after gestational sac is visible is 12-15% Miscarriage is one of the most frequent problems in human pregnancy. The most widely accepted definition is that proposed by the World Health Organization in 1977. The incidence among clinical pregnancies  (a pregnancy that is confirmed by both high levels of hCG and ultrasound confirmation of a gestational sac)  is about 12-15%, but including early pregnancy losses it is 17-22%. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11950476 After heartbeat is detected, risk of miscarriage is 9.4% at 6wks; 4.2% at 7wks; 1.5% at 8wks; 0.5% at 9wks To estimate the risk of miscarriage among asymptomatic women after a prenatal visit between 6 and 11 weeks of gestation where proof of fetal viability of a singleton was obtained by office ultrasonography at the same visit. METHODS: Those recruited were 697 asymptomatic women who attended their first antenatal visit between 6 (+2 days) and 11(+

Trust & New Pajamas

So, a blog comment I got the other day from wonderful woman, and awesome supporter of mine, caused me to pause a bit, and kind of evaluate some things about my faith and relationship with God. Which I truly appreciate, because she was kind and not judgy in her words...And I felt God gently nudge my heart each time I read the comment over... I felt my face start to burn with emotion, as tears welled up in my eyes...And I finally admitted to myself... I do NOT trust God...At least not fully, like I once did... But I desperately WANT to be at that point again....Trusting fully...And filled with peace... I walked into this journey,  to try for one more, 100% SURE , God was calling us/giving us the desire  to have another baby...I/we were, 100% certain we would walk away with a baby in our arms...As a matter of fact, I would have bet my LIFE on it. Now, 3 years later, I am broken, weary, and so utterly soul shattered, that I simply cannot "look" God in the eyes...H