Monday, April 21, 2014

Required reading...

   Part of my courses at Stillbirthday University, include the reading of two books (of your choice out of about 25), that you will need to do an essay on,  at the end of the classes. One of the two books I chose, came in the mail the other day, and because we have been so consumed in moving I set it aside on my side table for a week or more...

  Then, one quiet afternoon, I picked it up and began to read (  I know, a little early, classes don't start till July) with a good cup of tea...

It is called "The invisible pregnancy: Give birth to healing" Written by SBD's very own Hedi Faith. She is a dear soul who is committed to being a light in the darkness for women dealing with the unthinkable...I am blessed to be able to work with her through SBD.
 

I am going to be 100% honest...I am struggling like heck to read this book...The trending theme is that Grief is a pregnancy. Even the "dares" are set up as a 40 week challenge...I find the connection between the two seasons, in this book immensely hard for me, because we won't be able to experience a  tangible, healthy pregnancy again, and comparing the grief that comes with that, to another pregnancy of sorts has me in knots...Maybe it was the detailed description of her (Heidi's) actual labor (in the paragraph before this clip I posted-)  that had me yearning for the real thing, yet again...Instead of seeing the symbolism, and digging deeper emotionally, I just kept flashing back to what I had envisioned my last birth would be like...The kind with a REAL baby you get to hold after, and bring home...Each word I read off the page seemed to drip with tears, and burn with anger, and groan with sadness from deep within...It took a mere 45 minutes just to read a few pages, because I had to stop and fight back tears with each paragraph....



I mean, I get it, it makes sense. I know the "problem" is not with the book, but with "me"...In fact, I knew this long ago, which is why I have detested reading healing/self help books.  I know it grates on those tender places that I have kept hidden from even myself...But, I know I NEED to go through these feelings, and face this season of my life instead of hiding or trying to wish it away...Pretending this gaping wound does not exist won't make it go away...Which was why I decided I NEEDED to go through this course at SDBU...

But, knowing you need it, does NOT make it easier to chew through and deal with...I have tried sooo HARD to push past this anger, fear and pain that envelops me, so I can heal, but it just stings like someone is RIPPING off a scab from a DEEP wound...Each moment of self evaluation is like a ton of rocks being heaped on top of you...It is clear, this journey, this season, it is going to be much harder and more difficult to navigate than I have anticipated...But I fear, there is NO turning back now...I have traveled too far down this windy road, past the point of no return...

I plan to journal each chapter/week/dare here on this blog, mostly because I know it won't be lost in the move, but also, because I hope this messy, chaotic and insane journey can help someone else in the process...Because, I can't be the ONLY one who feels this way, and cant be the ONLY one in these shoes, even though it most certainly feels like I am the only one who has ever set foot on this rocky road of grief...

I hope, when I come to the end of this, no matter what it looks like, I have a bit more peace, understanding and JOY gleaming from inside of me...And maybe, just maybe, it can shine some light into the dark places in someone else's soul...Or the the very least, see the light at the end of the tunnel in my own....

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