Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Everyone gets it...

You know, that NASTY little disease  that slowly infects the  mind and soul...Also know as, The green eyed monster ...Yup...I am talking about Jealousy...





Its something that every SINGLE one of us has felt at some point in time or another, be it in a relationship,  or even a lack there of ( think, "everyone else is getting married and I am not!") or something I see a LOT of...Facebook envy/jealousy...People sit around and scan through all these seemingly awesome pics and life experiences, and think "gee, I wish I could do that, or had a family like that, or a car like that and a JOB like that!".....


I think  jealousy plays a HUGE ROLE ( much bigger than anyone wants to realize) in the IF/Baby loss community especially,  and more often than not, is the driving force behind our actions both to others, and ourselves... I find that even the most self aware person is wrapped up in a crazy amount of jealousy in regards to this specific life event, myself included.....Especially  towards   those who seem generally "undeserving" of parenthood....Heck, we spend months rooting for each other when TTC, but even when it is your best friend, Who you prayed for day and night, when that pregnancy announcement goes public, you get a twinge...The jealousy twinge...Then start asking all those  questions that follow...."why her and not me?"  .... "why did the crack head get pregnant and take her baby home, but MINE DIES?"...."when is it MY turn, I just want ONE, why does she get 5?" ...or, in my case " why do I get any chances of another baby taken away, but a woman who MURDERS 8 of her newborn babies in cold blood  and hides them in a box, yea she gets to have another chance and her immune system works just dandy!"....See, I'm even jealous is peoples good working immune systems!! ( I realize how silly that sounds...lol)...

All of these are pretty normal feelings from time to time, (specifically after pregnancy/infant loss) but if left unchecked could pose some serious issues.  Generally , like cancer, the warning signs are subtle enough to be ignored, but the disease is powerful enough to destroy you before you even know it.....Proverbs has a "nice" way of putting it...




I just recently had a young woman from church,  tell me that she just could not come and hang out at the house with us as a family, because it is too hard on her. You see, she wants more than anything to have a husband and family,  but has yet to find a decent man to fulfill that desire...I totally understood, and even In the moment, was taken back to a time when I said something similar  in regards to hanging out with my VERY pregnant friend (different friend), and how that was too hard for ME...So while, I understood her place, I began to analyze it all a little more...

For ME, personally, I started the family thing early,  and with a LOT of bumps In the road due to my step daughter bio mom, and my daughter's bio dad ( my ex)  so I couldn't relate to those feelings of NEEDING to be married but having to watch everyone else move on and start families, (everyone I knew when I was newly  married was still partying like a rock star) but I know a few of you have and can remember a time probably similar in your life that goes along the lines with this...

 The more I thought about it, the more I realized her desire to be married is no different than my desire for another baby...We both have HOPES and DREAMS that are on "hold" and are unable to be fulfilled right now, and the ache that comes with having to wait while watching others get what you would give anything for HURTS...While the circumstances are different, the ache is the same...

Sure, she doesn't NEED to be married, life can be wonderful without a husband, but her DREAM is to have that...

Sure, I don't NEED to have another baby, heck  no one NEEDS to have a child period (pretty sure the world isn't in danger of being underpopulated) but it is a DREAM, woven deep in our hearts....dare I say, woven into our DNA even. (the woman's desire to reproduce is a physical thing)...

When it doesn't or cannot be fulfilled, (either in our time, or ever due to circumstances beyond your control)  it is hard to watch others gain it effortlessly, then turn and take it for granted...Then the green eye monster comes in, and isolates you, and creates In you, anger, and contempt towards others and especially God...

I have found myself allowing that to happen more and more over the last 3 years, but especially the last year or so. Since we stopped being able to really try, and got the diagnosis we have less than 1% chance of carrying to term, I find myself jealous ...If I am honest with myself, I am jealous a LOT...Pretty much anytime I see a pregnancy update, belly bump or announcement, it sets off inside of me, a chain reaction...It starts with pain (remembering the losses) then goes to sadness, then anger (why me stuff) then goes into envy/jealousy and then back to anger and sadness...Try as I might to fight it, it happens every.single.time. Even announcements and updates from buddies I rooted for and prayed for years for, sends me in a dark place, then I feel guilty  that I felt that way...

I have begun to pray and ask God how I can deal with this...Because I hate this part of me...I will never stop desiring the baby that we set out to bring home, but have not been able to. Or stop remembering the babies we have lost...But I have to find a way to get rid of the toxic hole in my heart that keeps dragging me down and asking "why her and not me!!?...I have to find a way to cope with the loss of our dreams, and not allow jealousy to infect my being...Because, babies and bellies are everywhere....Since the birth of a rainbow wont be coming (right now) to ease the ache and bring light and hope after the storm/s (many of them), I am doomed to spend the rest of my life miserable, in constant self torment and filled with jealousy  if I don't figure this out...













So how do you stop being jealous ? I am not really totally sure, I know all of the "right things" you are supposed to say or do but none of it matters when you are in the midst of starring that green eye monster in the face...I have tried to distract myself, keep busy etc. That doesn't work. I have counted every blessing and tried to stay thankful for what we have, but still, it never goes away...They say that...

I suppose that is true in a lot of ways....I never truly felt jealous of others moving on with their rainbows until I was confident that our chances of having our own rainbow were gone. It was the lack of confidence that we too would have a baby again, that bred inside of me the pain, envy and jealousy I feel with each trigger or event associated with this situation that comes.

So, how do I get past this, with no resolution, with no happy ending after ALL we have endured, and invested? I wish I knew for sure...But I am going to start by taking my thoughts captive, and not allowing myself to compare and start doing the "why her and not me's"...I will tell you, it isnt easy in light of the news coming out of utah this week....











Now on to reach some of the goals I set not long ago, and make some new ones to help keep me moving in a positive direction...




2 comments:

  1. All of this is so true. I for sure got myself into a marriage that should have NEVER happened all because "all of my friends are getting married why aren't we?" (granted I wouldn't be in the wonderful marriage I am in today if things had gone any other way) So I have to remind myself of that when everyone else is having a baby and I am not that there must be a reason for the timing. It is not easy at all! Guess we just need to remind each other of this stuff :)

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    Replies
    1. Yes, we certainly cannot go back and undo whats been done, and thank GOD he works even our bad choices out for the good...I have never found myself in a situation in life where I was envious of others. This is honestly the first time and situation that has presented itself with such intensity...I hate this part of grief...I truly hate it. Hoping to at least learn from it though...

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