I survived

Mother's day that is.

I wrote in a previous post, about how the day was really going to be emotional for me in so many ways...Especially with the should be due date of our last loss falling on the same day...And, It was. I woke up early that morning, and sat alone on the couch drinking my coffee and thinking...Thinking about the last 4 years we have endured...The HOPE, excitement, and celebration at the start of each pregnancy, and the immense loss, devastation and grief  with each loss...Remembering in such depth, ALL of the events that took place, brought it back in technicolor/surround sound...It was as if I could taste the tears that fell from my cheeks, and feel the intense ache deep in my soul all over again...The more I thought, the more I realized, I was not ready to face this day outside of the 4 walls of my home, and especially not at church, on the one day when they exhort all the Mother's/babies...There was a little peace that came just from admitting I was "not ok" enough to do the church thing this year...


I sooooo wanted to get up that morning, get dolled up in my sunday's best, and snap some cute  Mom/Kids pics before heading into church, followed by sunday brunch and family game/movie night, seamlessly getting through the day, unscathed by the meaning behind it...I wanted to conquer the day victoriously. (perhaps signaling the start of true healing?) But how on earth could I go through a day like that, created to honor Mother's and their babies, and just pretend that all was well and "happy ever after"?  How could I forget each little life that was so very wanted, yet so swiftly taken from us...How can I forget that with every card, kiss and macaroni necklace I get from my children here in this life,  there's always someone missing that should have been here...How can I just NOT honor the lives those little babies had, however brief? I am just as much a mother to those angels, as I am to the babies I have here with me to hold in this life,  and because the LOVE I have for ALL my children stretches so DEEP, it is impossible to just "forget" ..Impossible to just "get over"...unfathomable for me to even consider not thinking of them on such a day, and every day really...They are forever apart of me...And yet, they untouchable at the very same time...It makes for a very difficult emotional battle on Days like Mother's day...

So, instead of the standard celebratory events, we spent the day at home...It was a beautiful, perfectly sunny, spring day...Everything in bloom....I tried my best to escape my melancholy mood, and live in the moment, instead of in the past and let  the "should be's" over take me...But it was HARD...I wont lie...In fact, I am still dealing with the emotional after effects even today. But, I survived...And One day, maybe one day, I will be able to conquer Mother's day with a smile on my face, at the thought of my angels dancing in heaven instead of a tear in my eye, wishing I could make memories with them even for just one moment....